PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP
ARTICLES
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Happiness:
what is it?
Is happiness a goal of your life? What are you doing every
day that you feel will lead to ultimate happiness? What interferes
most with your happiness? What makes it hard for you to achieve
and hang on to happiness?
In a very short time, I will be talking to
community college students about the pursuit of happiness. I need
a little help from you, the readers. You have the opportunity to
share your wisdom with youth! Could you answer the questions above for
me to share with this group?
Eloquent writers have written flowery poems
and serious books claiming to know how to achieve happiness. Yet
what is the truth? Are there some key elements? Are there some
things that definitely don't give us happiness?
From my experience, the greatest moments of
happiness involve other people, and our relationships with them.
We think we're happy when we discover
true love, at the first moment we look in the eyes of our newborn child,
the sharing of our pride in the accomplishment of a long-awaited goal,
the anticipation of a reward, the sharing of joy when we discover
a gift, read something beautiful or hear heavenly music.
Glimpsing at unhappiness that surrounds us,
I believe there are some common characteristics. It seems that when
we feel we don't have anyone to share our view of the world, or if we have
no one to give love to, we don't feel happy.
This comes as loss through divorce, death,
and rebellion. Also, it may result from our depression and hidden,
harbored hurts from our childhood which make it difficult to realize that
anyone can love us.
I have come to realize that we all see the
world in a rainbow of different ways. So, since these are just the wonderings
of one mind, I would really appreciate hearing from you about what
your experiences have been.
You may send a letter or e-mail to me at the
addresses below. I really need your help and your opinions.
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Sexual addictions
Breaking a sexual addiction is more difficult than breaking cocaine
addiction.
Sexual addiction? What's that?
The best definition can be illustrated by
our President. It is when a person seems compelled to participate
in behaviors that, if known, would be damaging to the people closest to
us, the ones we pretend to love.
Sexual addiction grows out of being filled
as a child with feelings of guilt and shame. Constantly getting the
message that they can't make the right choice, and unaccepted if they make
the wrong choice. Usually affection from their parents has been a
limited commodity. Coupled with the rigid rules and lack of affection
is some early exposure to sexual stimulation of some kind. Sexually
stimulating activities become the "drug."
As the addiction grows, the addict feels compelled
to participate in sexually stimularting satisfactions.
Their partner in marriage is not usually
very accepting of those practices if they are aware. Relationships
spiral downward as the addict is unable to give up the practices that damage
their primary relationships.
You might recognize some of the clues that
tell you there is a sexual addiction close to you if: your spouse seems
to avoid interacting with the family; they seem to have more than
average excuses for coming home late (accidents, or car problems, helping
others) or leaving early; they do things out of character (wash their clothes
when they come home); seem extremely tired all the time; never seem to
have as much money as is earned; have unfamiliar odors on their body or
in their clothes; suggest sexual behaviors that are uncomfortable
for you; have unexplained credit card or phone charges; leave cards in
their car from people they never talk about; spend inordinate
amounts of time on their computers; and have sites visited on their computer.
At home, the sexual addict may not give any
clues in the frequency of sexual encounters, because their needs are being
met elsewhere. They spend much energy getting their needs met and
trying to keep the problem a secret.
Guilt and shame vanish momentarily when they
are getting their sexual needs met. The emotions of guilt and shame
motivate this addiction.
So, what's the remedy?
The only help is through individual and group
therapy over at least three years duration.
Check with the mental health agencies in the
area if you feel you are dealing with this most difficult of addictions.
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Those who have lost through
abortion
So many articles have been published over the last
30 years about abortions. I haven't seen many written which take
into consideration those who make that difficult decision to give up their
parenthood through abortion.
That decision has a lifelong impact, but it isn't talked about.
There aren't many support groups for women who have to deal with
that decision years later. Our media and our churches aren't interested
in the fact that most of them make that decision with much heart wrenching,
sorrow, and grief.
At the time the decision must be made, there is only a short
time that it can be made. The pressure is great. I would venture
to say that most make that decision feeling that it is the best option
they have at the time.
Forty percent of the teenagers that get pregnant choose to get
an abortion. Let's look at what they have as possible choices.
1. Give the baby up for adoption.
2. Having it.
3. Getting an abortion.
Giving up the baby for adoption leaves the parents with major
grief and sorrow. The child will likely suffer from problems having
to do with fear of abandonment. They have a difficult time thinking
that their birth parent could have given them up.
Having the baby and keeping it may compel the parents to get
married without really being in love. A few of these marriages survive,
but most fail eventually. Again, the child suffers from feeling the
pain of divorce or abandonment.
Perhaps the young parents consider their future education.
Maybe they don't want to burden their parents.
Obtaining an abortion may leave the conceivers of the pregnancy
feeling guilt and sorrow for a lifetime. The baby won't experience
hurts that are predictable when they are born into a single-parent home
that has difficulty providing the basic physical, emotional and spiritual
needs.
The decision is heart-wrenching. No normal human being
makes this last decision without feeling it is the choice that has the
fewest negative consequences. None of the options are hurt-free.
The choice is made to hurt the fewest. What they need from us is understanding
and forgiveness for making a choice we think should have been different.
They are hurting in silence because of our attitudes.
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Something wonderful
I've discovered something wonderful!
As people begin to ask their parents about the wisdom
they have gained from living, risking, and making mistakes, the next generation
becomes more emotionally healthy. Something takes place that begins
to heal the wounds we have acquired in our own life.
Hearing about the feelings they had in their past
and listening to the messages they received from their parents long ago
gives us insight and understanding. We begin to see them not as authority
figures, but more as friends and peers.
The stories are exciting! We hear of sand
blowing through cracks in their house in the desert and papering walls
with newspapers. When we learn about the only source of heat in the
winter being their stove or fireplace we can understand their attitudes
about leaving the thermostat up all night!
When they describe a diet of mostly rice and beans,
we don't feel like complaining when the ice cream has some frost around
the edges. Telling of babies they lost, or the illnesses that
killed their parents helps us appreciate health care as we know it today.
Hearing them talk about working in fields when they were young helps us
appreciate having air-conditioned workplaces.
We realize the origin of attitudes and behaviors
of our elders when we discover how they may have been mistreated or abandoned
as a child. The major losses they suffered helped them gain insight
into what was really valuable in life. They can transmit that to
us.
We only have to take a little time to tap into the
wisdom of older people. Ask questions about lessons they've
learned in life, from the tough times they have had, and the "good-ole
days."
I've often wondered why we seem to have to learn
the hard way. Why can't we gain some of the wisdom others have earned
through the difficult times in their lives? Maybe it is because we
don't take the time. Maybe we think we know more.
My challenge to you this week is to find one person
old enough to be your parent and tap into the wisdom they gained through
their life experiences. It has the potential to empower you with
a wonderful, joyful, gift of richness found only in relationships.
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The birth of
anger
When we think of the word birth,
we usually have a feeling of wonder and joy. But, the birth of anger
lies in destruction. Anger is a leading killer of love, joy, health,
happiness, loving relationships, family harmony, success and prosperity,
the things we all desire.
Anger isn't something that can be blamed on
genetics. Angry reactions today are a result of injury and disappointment
in the past. The result is a damaged self, or a damaged soul.
If we are plagued with anger, we may have
tried unsuccessfully to contain that anger by "stuffing" the rage.
We try to disguise it and hide it. Most of the time we don't understand
why we get so angry and violent at times.
The birth of anger occurs when we are young and
expect, need, or want something we don't get. If this happens over
and over, the level of anger grows to monster sizes. Perhaps we were
humiliated or shamed for a certain trait. We may have been hurt by
the words or actions of someone who should have loved us.
As children, we need attention and approval.
If we are made fun of, or if we hear harsh, critical words, the seed of
anger is planted. The fragile self begins to show signs of weakness.
The outer shell of our "self- tank" develops "holes" that allow a leaking
out of the love that we so desperately need.
A "self-tank" full of love allows us to be
caring and loving with others. The "rocks" of hurt and humiliation
eventually replace the love. As the rocks age, they will either erupt
in the form of major anger outbursts or slow leaks of critical, snide remarks,
depression, eating disorders or control of others.
It really takes more emotional energy to keep
anger inside rather than dealing with it and getting rid of it.
If you are plagued with anger, your best defense is to let the
people around you know when they are acting or saying things in ways that
"fertilize" your anger.
We can let them know in kind, polite, considerate
ways by saying something like: "I feel really hurt when you ignore me."
Or "I feel unloved when you talk in that tone of voice."
Or even, "I am crushed and degraded when you
hit me. I want to protect the love I have for you, so I am telling
you now that I will press charges if this happens again."
By addressing the anger we feel in the present,
we can make more room in our lives for love in the future. Self-tanks
full of love are like gardens with flowers as opposed to an ugly
tank full of rocks.
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The poison of anger
Repressed anger is a leading killer of love, joy,
health, happiness, loving relationships, family harmony, and success.
It kills what we desire more than anything! Anger is associated with many
illnesses and depression. It is even the hidden cause of many deaths
(including suicides), many accidents, and ALL violence. Anger damages
not only our soul, but the souls of those around us.
People and things outside ourselves
do not make us angry. Our thoughts about what happens
germinate anger. Thoreau said: "It is what a man thinks of himself
that really determines his fate."
The next time you feel irritated, aggravated,
bothered, annoyed, irked, fed up, resentful, frustrated, jealous, disgusted,
disgruntled, perturbed, upset, and impatient, know that it is really anger.
Do you hold any of the following beliefs?
"I'm a failure." "I'm ugly." "I'm not lovable." "I'm stupid!"
"I must be terrible."
"I can't do anything right!" "I'm not very important."
If so, some of these events may trigger your anger: someone in front of
you drives too slowly; a person pushes ahead of you in the check out lane
at the supermarket; your spouse raises their voice; someone says
something critical and hurtful to you. These can trigger repressed anger
from past experiences. Then we explode!
Suppressed anger is associated with chronic
depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, cardiac disease, and some cancers.
Anger is devastating and destructive. It is associated with crime, violence,
child abuse, spousal abuse, problems in relationships, and many divorces.
Being angry robs a person of peace of mind, happiness, and contentment.
Indirectly, suppressed anger is a leading cause of death.
Our perception causes our reaction.
Perceptions that result in anger are usually beliefs about ourselves.
In fact, our belief may be completely false! The damaging feelings of being
irritated and impatient can be the tips of the iceberg of a lifetime of
repressed anger.
Expressing our anger may give us a superficial
sense of release. However, it does not free us from it.
Discovering the truth about our beliefs
frees us of anger. Life consists of choices. Choosing to hold
on to beliefs that fuel our anger is what keeps us irritable and unhappy.
This poison makes it hard for others to love us.
Take a look at your beliefs. Ask others for
their opinion. You can discover the truth about what you believe
about yourself and situations and be released from your anger!
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Make choices to deal
with loneliness
Loneliness sometimes creeps upon us. Sometimes
it overtakes us with the suddenness of a summer storm. It convinces us
that our heart is lost.
Negative thoughts become like giant billboards
in our mind until we have a hard time realizing that life is worth living.
We do not have to be alone to be lonely.
Yet, some who live alone report no problem with loneliness.
If we are painfully shy, we can be surrounded
by others and still experience loneliness. Others are such workaholics
they have no time for social contact.
For others, loneliness will take over if we
have no emotional connections with others.
We allow past hurts, rejections or embarrassments,
voluntarily to imprison us. To protect ourselves, we build emotional
barriers.
Making connections requires a high level of
energy and placing ourselves at a risk. What if we are hurt, rejected,
or embarrassed again.? Self-disclosure is necessary to overcome our loneliness.
Loneliness is more common today due to the
changes in family, mobility and shifts in values.
Starting a new job, class, moving, or being
isolated from what is familiar brings an overwhelming dark cloud over our
life.
The emotional pain of loneliness occurs when
we feel we have no one to talk to about our deep concerns. No one
understands us or our needs.
Life consists of choices. Some choices
we can make if we are lonely are:
Find a hobby or an activity by that we enjoy
which enriches our lives. Some examples might be listening to music, reading,
studying, exercising, or taking a class. When we are alone and being ourselves,
we can feel fulfilled.
Call or visit a friend or relative. It is
an action that breaks the isolation and involves us with others.
We might write a note, make and take a special gift that helps someone
else feel special.
Distraction, such as going for a drive or
shopping. It works temporarily.
Counseling can help break through loneliness
by helping to change the thoughts that defeat us. We can become more
aware of the choices we make that contribute to our isolation and loneliness.
If you are choosing to deal with your loneliness
by overeating, oversleeping, self- medicating with drugs or alcohol, you
will likely only experience a downward spiral of depression. Doing
nothing and allowing loneliness to overtake us can be defeated!
We each have the freedom to choose a new way to take control of our lives.
It is not only our choice. It is our responsibility.
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Sticks, stones, and broken
bones
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but
words can never hurt me." Not true! Rumors bruise us emotionally.
Rumors are simply words. Rumors can damage a reputation, a future,
or a relationship.
Those we want to love us can hurt us. Hurtful rumors can
confine us to a prison of our own making.
How do we make our prison? By believing
that if someone says it, it must be true. If they tell us we are
less than smart, not very neat, ugly, bad, or inefficient, we begin to
doubt ourselves. We fail to look at the truth. We are probably
smart enough, good-looking enough, and nice enough to make it in this world
and even have some good friends!
When rumors spread like cancer cells,
they suffocate the spirit of the rumor subject to a degree. Freedom
is lost. Fear moves in like unseen noxious fumes. We are no
longer comfortable around certain others. The fear that others might
think of less of us locks our prison door. All this, even when the
rumor is false.
The purpose of rumors in fact is to show others
you have superior understanding of a certain situation or someone.
Rumor- spreaders design the reports to make them look better, smarter,
more informed, more acquainted with the person being talked about. Sometimes
the purpose is nothing more than an attempt to make life miserable for
someone else by reducing the number of people that respect them highly.
How can we deal with a person who habitually
spreads malicious rumors?
Choose not to listen. Tell the person
spreading the rumors that you prefer not to participate in the rumor mill.
Simply say, "I really do not want to discuss this subject." Let them know
you do not care to hear about others. Rumors cannot spread if they
never start.
Switch the subject. Ask the person something
about their work, books they have read, movies they have watched, difficult
times they have had, or some hobby they may enjoy. See how easy swaying
the conversation is?
Say you are busy. We usually have something
that has to be done. If we make lists, an item is usually begging
to be crossed off.
Become a detective. Go to the source
and discover the truth. Tell them who said what and that you just
wanted to know if it was accurate. Victims of secret rumors deserve
to be able to defend themselves. When it gets back to the rumor starter,
they will think twice before they tell the next story.
Choose not to repeat. If you cannot
escape, are unsure of the accuracy of a rumor, or find it difficult
to stop the rumor spreader, keep the information to yourself. A rumor,
kept secret, cannot spread!
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Caring for our Elderly
Parents
"I am overwhelmed,
being pulled in every direction. Some days I just want to scream!"
Juggling family and work schedules while caring for aging parents
who require close observation is a great challenge. Some days, you
are not sure you can go on.
Often, our parents are depressed or suffering
from Alzheimer's and we find ourselves adjusting to a new personality.
Our hearts are torn. We try to balance the care for our immediate
family plus that of our extended family.
The average care giver of an aging relative is 45 years old,
female and married. The whole family feels the effect.
The great myth is that we can do it all --our career, our parents
and our children. Caring for children, we get to witness growth and enthusiasm.
With aging parents, we often have to watch them decline. Instead of gain,
it becomes a life of loss.
Anger and guilt from the losses are common
emotions. They suggest a need to talk with somebody soon.
Several who have cared for ill parents shared some thoughts that
can help during times we are caring for parents: "Our parents may
not be with us much longer." "My children can learn some new values
by participating. As an added benefit, they may become more independent."
"Our families still need us!"
Keep priorities clear. Our immediate
family's needs are our highest priority. There may come a time when
your family has to get outside help from a nursing home or respite care.
Set limits that will give some balance to
your life. Times for yourself and your family give breaks from the illness
and care giving. They are imperative.
Be good to yourself. You're doing a very hard
job and you deserve some time off, just for you.
Get treatment for depression. Depression
is common when loss looms in the future and you are stressed.
Share the load when people offer to help,
suggest specific things they can do.
Learn about your loved one's condition. Information
is power.
Be open to technologies and ideas. Let
your loved one do as much as possible for themselves.
Talk about your losses, and take time to plan
for life after losing your parent. Ask for help from other family
members. Knowing you are not alone gives strength and courage. This
may be a great opportunity to reconnect with your previous generation.
It can be a very rewarding time if you can achieve balance. Our parents
have much to offer us.
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Changing irrational
beliefs
"All must love me!" "Others should treat me with
respect!" "The world should be the way I want it!"
Are these thoughts familiar?
These are examples of irrational beliefs.
When we think these are true, we have feelings as a result. Those
feelings determine our reactions to those around us.
How can we discover the truth? How can
we react with dignity in the face of rejection, disrespect or disappointment?
First we have to realize it is our view,
and it may be inaccurate. Ask yourself some hard questions:
Does what happened really mean I am unlovable?
Just because one person doesn't treat you as lovable, does that mean you
are no good? Could they be incapable of loving? Who determines
your value? What other evidence can you find to back up the
conclusion you are drawing? Does nobody love you? Does everyone
shun you?
If so, it is your choice to be unlovable.
Can I really control the way others behave? Not really. However,
we can choose to remove our self from their presence or let them know what
we would prefer from them. The only person I can control is me.
We each have the freedom to behave the way
we choose. We each have to face the consequences of our choices.
Do I possess powers to control the world?
No, I guess not. Again, I have the power to control my choices, my
reactions, and the things that I believe. When things do not go the
way I wish they would, I may be disappointed and sad. Since I am
not in control of the world, I will just have to live with it. What
is the worst thing that might happen? Will it cause my death?
Is it ALL bad? Could it be worse? Don't I still have the right
to exist?
Bad things happen, but we can survive, we
can be happy, we are not failures, we are valuable human beings!
By replacing the self-defeating thoughts with
positive statements, we can change the way the world around us looks.
"All can't love me, but I'm glad for those
that do love me."
"It would be pleasant if others could be respectful
to me, but I know I am valuable to many others."
"When others are unkind, I feel sad for them."
"I can stand what I do not like. It
will not kill me."
"I can't stop the way they behave, but I can
stop feeling ashamed."
Since feelings create our behaviors, the best
way to change our feelings is to rethink what we are really believing.
It all goes on in our minds. Try it! You might discover
some real truths!
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Children and their
cruelty
On the playground, in the classroom, in school
halls, at ball games, while riding the bus, damage to human spirits is
rampant. The damage may not be evident for years, but it is real.
This damage comes in all forms. Words:
"He got a ‘D'!" "You're gay!" "Fatty!" "Stupid!" "How could
you?" Actions such as a turning away, curling a lip, shaking a head
sadly, or hitting annoyingly, or knocking books off another's desk can
also damage egos.
Sensitive, "left out" children grow up to
be sensitive, left out adults. The trauma delivered from child to
child can be as disastrous as abuse. How can we as adults, teachers,
and parents help reduce this problem around us?
What would happen if we adopt a philosophy
and a standard by which to decide? Which battles are worth
fighting to preserve respect and dignity for human life?
A philosophy: Children are our future.
They are valuable and precious. They depend on adults to protect
them from the bad. An investment now WILL pay off in the future.
A standard for deciding which battles to fight:
If it is morally wrong, it is worth fighting. If it is physically
dangerous, it is worth fighting. If it will make a difference a year
from now, it is worth fighting.
OK. How do we "fight?" We need
to combat negative behavior with respect and dignity. When we see
a child doing damage to another, it is our responsibility to pull the offender
to the side to set a limit. Children don't usually respond to limits
unless a consequence attached. An effective consequence is one that
REALLY discourages repetition of that behavior.
Let's say we just heard a hurtful comment.
We judge the comment to be disrespectful (which is morally wrong).
We could pull the child aside and say: "Joey, what you just said was hurtful
and disrespectful. While you are here, I don't want any child being
treated with disrespect, including you. I am going to have you sit
on the steps for three minutes while the rest of the children play to discourage
you from wanting to talk like that in the future."
That is a simple, logical consequence.
It puts that child out of the "loop" temporarily. It says that what
he did was not acceptable. It takes away the "glory" of his cruelty.
He may think about not repeating that action again. But, then again,
he may very well.
As concerned citizens, adults, teachers, school-bus
drivers and parents, let us begin to ACT for children whom other children
are abusing.
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Stressed? Want to
give it up?
The last week has held what might be considered
stress by some. First, the air- conditioner in the car quit working.
The heat index was 114 degrees. After being without a car for
two weeks, and paying $600 for the new compressor, I drove off to speak
to foster parents in Chattanooga. Ten miles out of Chattanooga, the
cruise control began to fail, the car slowed, jerked into second gear,
then quit. Distress lights blinking, in first gear, I made it to
the next exit and had the car towed to a transmission shop. After
the diagnosis, they said, "It will cost around $1900!
Two days later, my dad had a cardiac catheterization
and was whisked away from in front of our eyes to have five bypasses created
in his heart! Two days after that, we had an unexpected death in
the other side of our family. During this week, we had two house
guests; a dear friend cut a tendon in his thumb; I ran out of hormones,
and the hard- drive on the computer failed!
Stress occurs when we believe things should
be one way and they aren't. To hold together through the last week,
I had to do much of what we call of "reframing."
Sadness and disappointment help me appreciate
joy and satisfaction. My dad had postponed his first heart
attack for 20 years by exercising and watching his diet. The family
genes weren't excellent. His mother and brother both died in their
middle 50's from their first heart attack.
Our family is really going to miss Frieda.
However, now she won't have to experience the anguish of being on dialysis.
Her kidneys were failing.
House guests are an opportunity to learn about
the variety of personalities and new ways others see the world, not something
to worry about, take care of and entertain. Our friend's
thumb will still work and allow him to create and design more beautiful
furniture and finish building his log cabin.
And, a day without hormones is a day to realize
how marvelous it is that modern medicine has the ability to prevent heart
disease and bone deterioration through a tiny pill. Plus, my moods
can be stable and I can have positive thoughts!
As for the hard drive on my computer and the
thought that so much work could possibly be lost forever? Well, I'm
still working on that! But, say, reframing worked on most of my recent
stressors! A hard drive is a small problem in the big scheme of life.
Life. It has a purpose. It is
a gift that allows us to discover the laws that govern our minds and the
relationships we form. We can survive and still remain sane! What a lifetime
of intrigue!
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Is this life worth
living?
Is life worth living?
If I asked you to tell me what makes life worth
living, in a single word, what would your answer be?
During a conversation recently with some friends,
this topic came up. The more I thought about it, the more convinced
I became that what makes life worth living can be summed up in a single
word. That word is "others." Most of our satisfaction in life
comes from knowing others are glad we exist.
Harry Emerson Fosdick wrote about a summer day during
his childhood when his mother sent him out to pick up a quart of raspberries.
"I dragged my feet in rebellion," he said, "and
the can was filling very slowly. Then a new idea came to me.
Wouldn't it be fun to pick two quarts of raspberries and surprise her!"
Those two quarts totally amazed the household.
They never forgot it. Yet I have often forgotten the philosophy of
it. We can change any situation by changing our attitude toward it.
Nobody ever finds life worth lifing. One always has to make it worth
living."
The kind of life we have is a choice we make every
day. We can choose a rich, meaningful, joyous life with ever-higher
goals. Or we can choose to drag our feet in resistance and rebellion.
Which makes more sense? What is your choice
going to be? Here are just a few thoughts about how you can make
your life a little more worth living:
Dream of your future. Some things will never
happen if we don't set goals and begin planning them. No matter how
unreachable they are, that first step gets us a little closer!
Open the creative part of your mind. New and
exciting posibilities come into focus when we explore all the avenues of
potential, life-enriching experiences. Perhaps you would like to
learn something new. Think of all the possible ways that can become
real.
Figure out what makes you feel useful and find a
way to do it. Perhaps you are interested in Cherokee history or genealogy.
Take that first step. Join a club. Check out library books.
If you enjoy people, ask your pastor with what kind of visitation he or
she needs help. Investigate volunteer positions at local agencies.
Volunteer to help young mothers with their children. Offer to help
people learn English, or learn to read. There are many more needs
than people to fill those needs.
Grow. Learn, ask questions, find answers,
teach others. The rewards in learning and teaching are rich and long-lasting.
Practice "reframing." When "bad" things happen,
see how many different ways you could look at the situation and pick the
one that helps you feel the best about everyone, including yourself.
Make a difference. Others that have needs
have a changed life when we can help meet those needs. Share what
you learn with others and the value of your life will escalate a notch
or two!
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Decision making
is about choices, to act or not act
If you are going to lose, which way of losing
do you prefer?
Choices in difficult circumstances always
involve much thoughtful contemplation. How can we feel confident
that we are making the best choices?
Most decisions have two paths.
We either do or don't act. Sometimes both of the paths have some
disastrous results. When that is the case, it makes sense to
choose the path of least damage. Making the choice that hurts the
fewest people the least requires analysis and creative thinking.
Often we need to solicit the help of close friends, family or professionals.
For example, someone may tell us something
in confidence. That information may result in danger to them or another
person. We face guilt if we don't tell, and possibly a damaged
friendship if we do tell. Which choice will damage the fewest and
the least?
Choosing between going in debt and doing without
is a little easier if we consider our responsibility to provide security,
love and belonging to our children. What is most important?
Is it meeting our responsibility? Or could it be the sacrifice will
be most important in the end?
When we are forced to choose between
staying with an abusive spouse or separating, the decision can become clearer.
It depends on how clearly we can see into the future. The damages
are usually more severe when we stay than when we leave.
A common dilemma occurs if we have an opportunity
for a move. Our family may be deeply rooted in the area's schools
and social system. Wills uprooting them bring more damage than not
getting a promotion? What is most important?
We have an opportunity to take a job or continue
our education. Which one will meet our long-term goals the best?
Which one will bring the most rewards in 20 years?
When someone has committed an assault or a
felony and we love them, should we turn them in? Over time which
choice can help them grow the most? Which one shows we really care
the most?
Teens face the choice of premarital sex or
abstinence. Both choices have some emotional and physical consequences.
When we ask "Which choice will provide the least risk to my future mental
and physical health?" the answer flashes like a neon sign in our minds.
We may know the right answer. Making
the right choice depends on knowing our priorities, goals, and purpose
in life. Maybe that's where our focus needs to be. Discovering
our unique reason for being on this planet can help decision-making become
much easier.
Take some time this week to discover your unique
gifts and purpose in life!
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The source of our joy
A recent trip to the grocery store
resulted in a wonderful prize! I went home not only with food for
the week, but with a heart full of joy!
Waiting to check out as I was reading
the headlines on the gossipy tabloids, a clear, delightful song of joy
filled the air. No accompaniment, simply a made-up song of a happy
child.
Curiosity compelled me to search for the source.
Two aisles down, no taller than the counter was Josh, unaware of how much
joy he was sharing with everyone waiting in the lines. His mom was
paying for the groceries while his big sister was ignoring him, perhaps
hoping no one knew he was her brother.
The few weeks since, I have contemplated joy.
It's a quality we all seem to need and desire, but few possess joy
in the degree Josh exhibited. Why?
TRUTH. Josh evidently knew his value
was high. There was no pretending. He was being WHO he was!
When we realize our innate value in life to God and those around us, whether
they realize it or not, we know the truth. The truth produces a delight
and joy that can't be repressed.
LOVE. Our value usually is realized
when those around us are successful at communicating love. A simple
word, but a difficult concept. Often we know we are loved but don't
feel loved. It's up to us, like children, to let those around us
know what we need from them to feel loved.
SHARING. If Josh had held in those feelings
of delight, the reproduction of joy in others would have never happened!
By sharing our joy, the reproduction brings more joy. When I told
him how special he had made my day, perhaps he experienced his power in
life to influence strangers in a positive way. He might repeat that
behavior!
Let's try something this week. Each
day, do an activity that produces joy in your heart. Go for a walk;
do a random act of kindness; sit outside under the stars, read a book;
listen to music; make music; write a poem; visit a friend; or call an acquaintance.
I predict you will feel that satisfying feeling that the world is a better
place because you are in it. Then, instead of holding that feeling
inside until it evaporates, share your joy. You can make a
difference!
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Truth adds color to life
"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth! Nothing
but the truth" Yet, do we? Who deserves the truth? Those we
love or spend most of our time with can benefit the most. We hide
from them the important truths about our REAL response to their actions.
Telling your wife that you feel neglected
when you come home after work and fix your own meals IS tough. It
IS awkward to tell your husband you feel neglected when he spends more
energy cheering for the football game than sharing with you. It IS
testy to ask your teen to carry a share of the chores around the house.
We are so afraid they might run away or succumb to drugs if we put too
much pressure on them. It SEEMS irrational to tell your preschooler
it's OK to want new parents when they announce their desire for a new set!
The truth about our REAL thoughts and feelings
gives others the chance to make changes in the way they relate to us.
Reading minds is not a distinct science.
Holding hurtful truth inside creates the foundations
for walls of resentment or bitterness if the hurt continues. We have
the choice of breaking the walls down by being honest and open in kindness
with those around us.
Truth-telling works best if we don't accuse
or label what the other person has done that hurts us. "You NEVER
do anything with me anymore!" Our best approach is to express our
emotional reaction to their action. "I feel single and lonely when
we don't get to sit and talk." See how much more ready you would
feel to discuss the issue with the last comment?
In requesting what we really need from each
other, the more specific we can be, the better. Instead of complaining,
"I want you to spend more time with me," we would say, "I would love it
if we could take 10 minutes of discussing the issues of each day in the
evening after the children are in bed, without the TV on, sitting, looking
at each other on the sofa. Would you be willing?" See how much
more clear the need is to the one your request is directed?
Lastly, human behavior is predictable. When
we feel forced, we resist. So, offering the freedom to grant your
request, or not, is important.
"If you can do this with me, I'll feel a lot
more like we're a team. However, I realize you are a private person
and may not feel comfortable with this. So, if you can't, I'll understand.
I'll just still feel lonely."
Success in relationships hinges on this principle
of truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Try it and
see if your world doesn't feel a little brighter and more colorful.
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Can't know self till we
know our family
Intimacy and love relationships only exist in
the presence of freedom and spontaneous expression of self.
We want to feel in control of our life's direction. When we
share our values, hopes, fears, earnings, and homes with others, we value
acceptance for our uniqueness.
The key to this becoming real lies in how
we relate to those who have parented us. If we felt unloved,
treated unfairly, rejected, or hurt by our main caretakers, we will have
problems in all of our personal relationships.
We may remember events much with some inaccuracy.
But, that is our reality. What we believe shapes our thoughts, feelings
and reactions to all others. It becomes our responsibility to go
"back home" and rebuild the circumstances that we feel have shaped our
attitudes and actions.
This can be done only by telling our parents
what we remember and how we felt. As we ask them for how they remember
that story and others, we begin to see them as different people.
Over time we no longer look to them to "parent" us. Somehow they
begin to turn into our friends.
We begin to understand them for whom they
are. We recognize what shaped their lives and realize that they did
the best they could under their circumstances. We can grieve unrealized
dreams. We accept that we may never feel as loved by them as we always
wanted.
They may never have the capacity to hug us
and tell us what they appreciate about us. Criticism may continue
to be their mode of communication. In fact, a void may always reside
in our hearts as we give up expectations.
As we begin to heal the hurts we have held
for years, we miraculously begin to be more enjoyable by other family and
friends.
Our work becomes more satisfying. Our
thoughts become less critical. Triggers of emotional upsets will
reduce. We can begin to experience true intimacy in our close relationships.
It may seem like the rewards are great.
The price is not high. They say "a man will see every woman as his mother
until he sees his mother as a woman" (rather than his mother).
All I'm suggesting is that you begin to talk
about the emotional moments in your history with your parents who often
repeated those events.
Ask them what it was like for them.
How would they do things differently if they had a second chance?
Let them know you won't allow the hard feelings control the rest of your
life.
Life is way too precious.
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Arguing is like dancing!
Humans are interesting.
We usually think we are right, and if someone doesn't agree with us, they
must be wrong! Our belief is that everyone should see the world just
the way we do.
Most arguments develop from differing views
and a firm belief that we are right. Let's scrutinize an argument.
After the disagreement comes to our awareness, we choose an action.
Most of the time, we choose to defend our view. This can come across
to the other person that we think they are less rational or intelligent
than we are. The next "dance-step" compliments that choice and offers
a defense of the opposing view. More insinuations are cast.
Just as in ballroom dancing, as you move away, the partner moves toward
you. As you move toward them, they move away.
The moves are predictable. Defense invites
defense. Disrespect invites disrespect. Hurt seems to result
in a responsive hurt.
So, to interrupt this crazy cycle, one of
us has to do something just a little different. What if one of us
said something like, "That's interesting, but I see it differently?"
Or "I appreciate your ideas. I'll give it some thought."
The dance would be over! Damage can
be aborted. Hurt could be withheld. Children around us could
be more comfortable.
When we "win" an argument, we may be losing
something more valuable. We lose peace, sometimes we lose respect,
other times we lose relationships or pieces of our hearts and souls.
When you feel the need to defend yourself
against an accusation or demand, try giving the gift of peace over this
"peace- centered" holiday month. Holding hurt feelings isn't a good
alternative. Simply choose not to defend your viewpoint. Accept
the fact that having a different viewpoint is OK for someone and give them
straight talk.
Straight talk involves several components:
Facts. What you observe, what the details
of the topic involve.
Thoughts. Your assumptions, beliefs,
interpretations, expectations, and opinions.
Feelings. The truth of your happiness,
frustrations, disappointment, sadness, annoyance, and excitement.
Wants. Desires for yourself, for others, and
for your relationship. This includes wishes, goals, and dreams.
Actions. What you will do now and in the future.
Any plans? Any behaviors?
If we each do our part, we can at least have
peace on earth in Dekalb County!
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Absurdities!
Human behavior can be absurd. It is
intriguing to watch. We aren't usually aware of how interesting we
are. This week's column is not for any growth. Imagine just
sitting on your porch and watching these scenes in your mind's eye.
See if you agree.
We can't wait to grow up, only to dread growing
old.
As young children we fight to get parental
attention and then as teens want to pretend we don't have parents.
During our teen years, we want to be like
everyone else, and will sacrifice who we are to get that approval.
Then, as a married couple, we would give anything for acceptance of
whom we really are.
Work efforts take up most of our productive
years. After we finally gain wisdom and experience, we are forced
into early retirement.
By the time we're 21, we can hardly wait to
get married. By the time we're 41--we believe the single life would
be easier. We spend all our spare time trying to convince someone
they want to marry us. Ten years later, we wish we had sometime to
ourselves.
Some gamblers freely give at the casinos,
knowing there may be no financial return. Yet when the offering plate
at church passes by, since the church spends unwisely, they refuse to give.
We wish to be great like the heroes we choose.
Yet we can't make the time for hard practice and refining our skills.
Resentment and anger we hold in our hearts, choosing to stay
hurt protecting others from unhappiness.
When we live with a difficult, irregular person,
we spend much of our energy trying to keep them from blowing. It
never crosses our mind to let them blow and suffer some consequences.
We talk with impatience and irritation to
our children but gently pet the dog or cat. Pets never even try to
help around the house or bring pictures of happy faces. In
fact, they never do carry their dish to the sink for washing.
We'll spend hours watching TV and then complain
that nobody cares about us or does anything with us. We'll also claim
we don't have time to do anything others want us to do.
Our marriage is stressed, so our children
start to have problems to redirect the stress.
Stress and tension are relieved with drugs
and alcohol. Stress and tension then escalate because we lose a job
and become financially distressed.
We eat, only to get hungry.
We sleep only to get tired.
We live, and we die. So, why don't we
make the most of the living? What is living? It's simply relationships.
A good life comes from appreciating those around us, enjoying their absurdities,
and feeling good about the way we choose to live our life.
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Stuck emotions glue
us to past
Emotional health is being able to express
all emotions appropriately. Being emotionally stuck glues us to what
has happened in the past and does not help grow toward emotional health.
We might be stuck in depression or stress,
stuck in anger at those closest to us, stuck in obsessive fears, or stuck
in perpetual guilt or shame. Many of us lack emotional health
much of the time.
We see twisted emotional expression
in others and think we are the problem. Hurt feelings that surface
repeatedly are off-base.
Guilt, shame or jealousy that shows up all the time
are evidence that we are "stuck" and unwilling to face the truth.
Nearly all adult anger directed at spouses,
children, public figures, or neighbors
is misdirected and shows a person is glued to the past. Crying
every day suggests "stuckness."
Why so much skewed emotional expression? Most
of us learned in our growing-up years to stuff our emotions. Yet,
we remember those emotions in our unconscious minds. They act like
internal irritants. They keep bothering us, keep causing us anxiety and
stress.
Our addictive behaviors allow us to numb ourselves
to the irritating emotions temporarily.
These sticky emotions stay forever, unless
we have realized the truths beneath them. Guilt, jealousy, depression,
humiliation, shame and degradation take over because we believe something
that may not be true. Childhood hurt, love, fear, rage or grief resulted
when parents or caretakers gave us false messages. The truth is that
all children deserve love, caring, and security. Yet, we were
given the message that we are not valuable, worth anything, or lovable
when we witnessed abuse, violence, and were neglected by adults.
Guilt and depression usually mean we have held in
high levels of anger as young children. Jealousy results from a fear
of losing our parents early in life because of divorce, or being adopted.
Feelings of chronic shame come from constant messages that we were "bad"
or doing wrong things in the first three years of our life--before we have
memory. Self-esteem is shaped very early in life.
The only way to neutralize or to get "unstuck"
from these negative emotions is to let those around us know what we are
feeling. Tell them about when we felt the same way in our past.
Then, we must tell them what we needed from the person in our past and
what we need now to help the negative emotion evaporate.
Negative emotions slowly kill that part of
us that makes us who we are--our self, our soul.
We have a big responsibility to protect that
part of ourselves for the emotional health of ourselves and
of the children in our lives.
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Proper choices can be simple
When we make a choice, we generally make a change.
Making changes and choices without principles to guide us would be like
choosing a spouse out of a lineup.
Usually, we do best if we don't make a change
from what our parents taught us unless we have a really good reason.
What resources do we have to help us decide
in life? What principles can guide us? What information can
we gather that might help us make the right choice?
First, we have to decide what our main purpose
is in life? Be famous? Get rich? Become educated?
Glorify God? Honor our family name? Contribute to our society?
When we look at each decision as how it may
contribute to our main purpose in life, we can eliminate activities
that might clutter our lives. We can choose alternate paths
that are more likely to end where our goal is set.
If I wanted to get a scholarship in college,
I may not choose to skip assignments or classes in high-school. If
I want to marry a man that will treat me with respect, I may break up with
someone that I know watches his dad abuse his mom. If I want a challenging
career, I may have to choose to move to a city that can offer me specific
advantages.
Secondly, others in our lives can help
us achieve the balance we need to do our best. We can consult with
friends, advisors, parents, trusted family members. An attitude of
submission to their reflections is vital. Others are in our
lives to give us a dose of reality when we wander in dangerous territory.
We trust them to be honest with us. They trust us to hear and respect
their advice.
Often we are faced with two choices.
To be honest, or not. To make the call, or not. To be safe,
or not. To be healthy, or not. To obey the rules/laws, or not.
To leave, or stay. Sometimes, neither choice looks good. However,
when we ask ourselves and those we trust: "Which choice will help meet
my purpose for living and protect me the most?" the answer is instantly
revealed.
We create our own "hell on Earth" by simply
making wrong choices. We don't make right choices for anyone but
ourselves and those for whom we are responsible. Personal misery
is a result of built-up negative, destructive emotions in our hearts.
Anger, hurt, over-responsibility, rejection, failure, shame, guilt. The
self deteriorates. Many of our choices involve the relationships
we have with others. A third principle can really smooth life out.
That is the principle of submission to another. We live our lives
trying to make life a little better for those around us. If what
they are asking isn't immoral or physically dangerous, we may be making
the right choice when we submit. This goes for spouses, parents,
children, friends, and co-workers.
Life consists of small things involving choices.
The next time you are faced with a choice, pretend you are your mother.
What would you tell your self would be best for your future? Then,
get some back up responses from two or three people that you trust.
Your choices can really improve! You can salvage that which is really
important - YOU!
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