PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
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Anger origin rarely addressed in anger-management classes
 Emotional trauma delays development
 Forgiving self enlarges life
Worry is useless for tomorrow
 Only with others do we find confidence in ourselves
 We lose power when we place the blame on other people
Be careful not to stomp on other people's boundaries
 Half of America is hit by mental illness Some addictions can be beneficial
Learn to avoid having many regrets
 When it comes to brains--function matters
 Hurricanes of life can make individuals stronger
Having ADHD is like having a drained battery
 Talking to those with age brings wisdom
 Know yourself
Positive outlooks can help
 Parents are best source of wisdom
 		The art of giving your opinion
Self-control is becoming a lost art
 Inner voices determine our emotions
 Treating depression effects whole family
Abusers get "under our skin"
 Anatomy of terrorism globally and at home


Abusers get “under our skin”
 Cole Porter must have had a psychiatric background when he wrote the words:
    “I’ve got you under my skin.  I’ve got you deep in the heart of me. So deep in my heart, that you’re really a part of me. I’ve got you under my skin.”
    What his words describe is not only the control of infatuation, but the results of having experienced a traumatic event. Abusers become a part of the survivor. Something remains in the heart of the abused person that controls their future, thoughts, emotions, choices, and actions. The location of what remains is not understood, but anyone ever abused has experienced the pain and the frustration for years afterwards.
    The changes that take place after this splinter has penetrated the soul of an innocent child are subtle and life-changing. When a splinter punctures your skin, typically white blood cells come into action to try to expel the foreign body from the skin. The skin gets red, swollen, painful. Often the pus of infection will surround the splinter. Many times, the infection does more damage than the splinter.
    After the trauma the person who is  infected with the bacteria of the abuser lives with something foreign inside that is difficult to extract. Their soul mutates.
    The infection changes their brains, altering internal thoughts, attitudes, responses to others, and choices. Muscles respond by becoming tense, tight, sore, and painful. The nervous system becomes irritable and anxious. Fear and worry become predominant emotions. Depression hovers. Hearts beat faster, breathing becomes slightly more labored. The body remembers long after the intrusion of the trauma. The offender controls long after the original wound has been inflicted.
    Survivors may try to destroy the memories by forgetting or dissociating, having no recollection of the event. Yet, the poison remains in the body system until the memories are eradicated by a systematic processing of each interpretation left in the path of the abuse. The interpretations have become lies that guide life until the truth is discovered.
    Looking back may not be pleasant, but the resulting peace, calm, freedom, and confidence are well worth the discomfort. Processing hurts takes courage that perpetuates more courage and strength of character. These “splinters” can be removed and control of life can return to the rightful person.
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Treating depression benefits the whole family
     Visiting recently with a family member, the conversation migrated to her decision to finally treat her depression. Many factors had resulted in postponing her decision for years. Criticisms, condemnations, judgmental attitudes from well-meaning people had sent her the message that she should be able to “beat” depression.
    Sometimes these discouraging attitudes arise from religious interpretations, from misunderstandings of news blitzes, from misinformation, and from others simply wanting to control choices they have no right controlling.
    With a satisfied and beautiful smile on her face she said “I had no idea that something so simple could make such a huge difference in my life! I wish I had done this years ago.”
    Irritations are miraculously avoiding her now. When naturally occurring mini-disasters enter her world, she can face them with peace.
    She sleeps all night now. Worries and concerns over which she had no control would keep her tossing and turning half of the night. Normally productive, fatigue would compel her to recline all day on the sofa. Unable to face her responsibilities, her despair heightened.
    People are enjoying her company much more. Her children are glad to get her positivity and encouragement back after a long wait. Because of her high worry and anxiety, they felt as if they no longer had a mother. Her loving husband can relax and feel reassured that it isn’t his fault that she was so miserable.
    Her headaches have disappeared. No longer incapacitated by the pain, she is now able to return to her regular business of the day and be helpful to many others now.
    Chronic pain that attacks many improves greatly when the accompanying depression is treated. Arthritic joints seem to have more bounce and resilience. Aching backs and muscle spasms no longer demand primary attention.
    Depression has roots in events from years ago that gave a sense of having no control in life. Witnessing parents in domestic violence, arguing, yelling, pushing, shoving, abusing, being addicted to anything can all give children that feeling of desperation that there is nothing in life they control. Occasionally, experiencing near-death events contribute to the feeling of having no control in life as well. Sometimes, the loss of significant family members triggers the giving up which begins depression.
    Genetic factors also play a role. Regardless of the origin, depression deserves relief. Ripple effects benefit everyone closely connected. When one is treated, the whole family reaps the rewards.
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Anger origin rarely addressed in anger-management classes       
    Our society demands those charged with violence must attend anger management classes. Individuals in those sessions are taught to think differently about the events in their daily lives. As a result, new behavior is fashioned.
    Gardeners understand that if the root to a weed isn’t destroyed, that pesky weed ALWAYS comes back, and often multiplies.
    The true root or origin of violent behavior can’t be addressed in a class. Each person’s “weed” began growing in a unique manner.
    Violence and addictions (a slow-motion violence), rise out of a need to calm a deep wound. That hurt is cultivated into anger when a child is forced underground. Believing they can never be loved if they continue being who they are, they become someone else.
    That new person becomes less like their originally designed personality with each offense toward them or someone they love.
    Common offenses are sometimes only minor. Parental distance, yelling, disappointing, insinuations of disapproval, moving from secure belongings, chaos, secrets, addictions, and later  ridicule by peers,  are some of the major seeds of anger.
    As even minor traumas affect our self-concept, our thoughts and behaviors respond to fit the developing image shaped by our closest relationships.
    In order to kill the roots of the weeds that develop into anger-driven violence and addictions, the events that seeded those weeds must be examined.
    Some don’t want to “air dirty laundry” or “blame the past.” But issues must be dealt with before they can be neutralized. Dealing with issues means simply that we ask ourselves, “What did that event tell me about whom I think I am?”
    After clarification, the next step is to question, “What was the truth about whom I was at that time?”
    We can then discover the truth. We were simply innocent children, trying to please the adults in our lives. We were brave, courageous, good children doing our best to survive in a dysfunctional world.
    Melted anger warms our hearts toward others. Revenge and rebellion at having been forced to become someone we weren’t can disintegrate.
    Anger dissolved allows us to become thoughtful, respectful, loving, and caring. Free from the tentacles of our past, we can become WHO we really are.
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      Emotional trauma delays development 
     Major trauma and chronic stress is known to interrupt or delay normal emotional development. Physical growth and maturity may take place, but the emotional behavior of one who has experienced an insecure environment can remain stuck.
    You may have noticed the behavior of some adults resembles that of a school-aged child more than a wise grown-up. Whatever their age at the time of the hurt brought by abuse, divorce, violence between parents or a major illness or accident, their behavior stays at that level until the events are dealt with or “processed.”
    Processing involves emotionally remembering the trauma and deciding how it was interpreted. Did it mean they were bad? Not good enough? Worthless? Helpless? Unlovable? If so, their choices and actions have reflected the flawed self-images they were given when they were being damaged by important adults in their lives.
    As a result, these adults can be seen all around us. They slough off at work or call in sick when they want to take a day off. They use drugs in spite of the fact that their own children rely on them for protection and love.
    Local police and court officials know many of these adult children because they are called on to manage disruptive behavior that is not socially acceptable. The media lists their names in the paper for failing to pay child support, shoplifting, and robbing from others.
    Doctors know them because they frequent their offices trying to get illegitimate medications or work excuses.
    Adult children tend to marry other adult children which doubles the hazards and burdens their innocent children carry. Someone else who is responsible tends to be on the sidelines making it possible for an adult to continue behaving like a child.
    Real adult behavior is successfully demonstrating self-discipline, integrity, dignity, honor, and responsibility. Adult children can have these characteristics by re-processing the memories that halted their development. Their early interpretations are usually not the truth.
    When the truth is uncovered about who they really are, the power of the trauma can be defused. Instead of lives being stressful and chaotic, satisfaction and peace take over. Choices will be based on what is best for them and those they are responsible for.
    Imagine a world where all children do grow up!
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Forgiving self enlarges life   
   With the many offenses that come from living with other flawed human beings, forgiving others for their hurts toward us becomes a major hurdle after offenses. But, for many, forgiving ourselves is much more difficult.
    We are the only one that can forgive our self. Why would we want to? When our error has changed our world, how can we give the gift of forgiveness to our self?
    Forgiveness is its own reward. Only when we have given this gift can we move on in life. Then can we have the freedom to focus outside of ourselves and our hurts. Until then, we can only see our own misery and unmet needs. Life isn’t worth living when we can’t focus on others. No one benefits.
    Forgiveness has a lot to do with not holding on to our mistakes, and learning what we can from the unforgiven event and using that new knowledge for our future.
    Forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean that we deny our feelings and pretend everything is OK. This solution only brings more hurt as we feel misunderstood and undeserving of love and respect, allowing others to hurt us.
    After abortion, unfaithfulness, actions taken during moments influenced by substances or disorders, out of control anger, betrayal, poor choices, and innocent neglect are among the many actions that we find difficult to forgive ourselves.
    It is like carrying a backpack full of empty cans and containers after eating the contents on a hike. The guilt has served the purpose of helping you grow. The time has come to let something go. Dealing with or ridding ourselves of the debris frees us to continue on through the hike of life, a little wiser, further on the journey, able to nurture others you encounter on your path.
    Forgiveness is a spiritual gift from God. If He can give us the gift, who are we to think we know better than He? Do we have a secret wish to be God? Do we think we are wiser than He?
    You are free to claim this gift which can open your life to infinite possibilities.
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Worry is useless for tomorrow  
    Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy, observes Leo Buscaglia. Worry is useless unless it lasts a very short time and provides a solution to the problem.
    The cost of chronic worrying is a loss of peace of mind and physical health. It just isn’t worth it. The joy lost through worry only leaves us with the discomfort of regret and anxiety.
    Our anxious thoughts may begin as a small stream trickling through our mind. If we choose to entertain that thought, it grows and forms a rushing current of worry thoughts.
    What would happen if at the first indication of a worry thought, we chose to spend a few minutes contemplating the small joys, blessings. or pleasant events that have happened or are soon to come.
    What would happen if we had a quiver full of positive thoughts to replace the  dreaded fearful thoughts? For example, if I worry “How am I going to have time to get groceries today?” I can immediately pull out a more positive thought such as “This may be a great time to begin my diet!”
    Positive, cheerful thoughts actually alter the chemicals in your brain. You can begin to feel a little lighter and relax immediately.
    Sleep has something to do with those brain chemicals. The more we get, the easier it is not to worry.
    Being productive at work or in an exercise program creates positive thought chemicals.
    When we worry about money, criticism, health, a possible lost love, our age, potential terror or death, our worry doesn’t make it disappear. Action does.
    Worry robs us of our greatest asset, peace of mind. It is exhausting to think of all of the possible hazards of living.
    Bernard Baruch says “The art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them.” Keyes feels “to be upset over what you don’t have is to waste what you do have.”
    A few metaphors for worry are: it is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe, and it’s like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.
    You cannot change the past, but you can ruin a perfectly good day by worrying about the future.
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Only with others do we find confidence in ourselves
    Often people will use the reason that they must exit a relationship in order to “find themselves,” or discover who they are. What they are saying is that they feel their existence and happiness depends on something they haven’t discovered, that they’ll be lonely till they find themselves.
    Most people know who they are but are uncomfortable with what they know.  Perhaps they have been pretending to be someone they thought someone else wanted them to be. They likely have difficulty asking for the needs that shape their personality. Frequently, the need for another person will feel out of balance. Both being with others or being alone is uncomfortable. Sometimes we simply confuse ourselves and doubt what seems to be our needs.
    Finding ourselves occurs when we do what we enjoy and do well. We find ourselves when we spend time with the luxuries that give us value. Rarely are those luxuries material.
    That feeling of wealth comes when we experience and share the beauties and extravagances of nature. Elegance is the fruit of a rich personal relationship where ideas and values are refined and exchanged. Satisfaction is ours when a problem is solved, with the promise of never having to face it again. Sumptuousness of life always includes relationships, dreaming, achieving those dreams, and sharing.
    Finding ourselves is not being dependent on another human, but discovering intimacy with another. Dependence conveys control. No human is happy when they feel they can only be loved if they do the “right” thing, or act the “right” way.    
    Think back of the moments when you felt the most wonder, the most satisfaction, the most peace. Chances are that you were in nature with someone else. Or perhaps you were doing something for someone else, fulfilling a dream, making the world a better place.
    The three things adults remember from their childhoods with the greatest pleasure are family meals, time outdoors, and family vacations. From emotional experiences they  conclude who they are. There will be no need to find themselves later in life. An investment in giving children pleasant memories may be the highest-yielding investment we can make.
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We lose power when we place the blame on other people   
    Wise people seek solutions. The ignorant only cast blame.  When we claim that someone else is responsible for the problems in our life, we cast ourselves as the victim. Circumstances and situations are credited to be under the control of another.
    If we have no control over our problems, then we have no power to remedy the plagues in our life. Have you ever said “It wasn’t my fault that I . . .?” Or, “It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t. . .?”
    When we give up responsibility for our problems, we give up responsibility for our life. The blame-game hurts our personal sense of power. With this stance of hopelessness and weakness, we do nothing to prevent the problem from happening again in the future.
    How much better would life be if when we are confronted with a conflict, a problem, or a frustration, we simply ask “What can I do next time that will prevent this same outcome?” Much energy is wasted wishing someone else would do things differently.
    What can I do to get what I need in order to feel really loved?  What can I do to get a promotion? What can I do to improve my productivity? What can I do to help my children love to learn? What can I do to bring peace around the house? What can I do to feel more healthy? What can I do to make our relationship better? What can I do to deal with my addiction? What can I do to get control of my temper?
    Someone who is a blamer is often jealous, secretive, and controlling. In fact, blame is an attempt to gain control of a situation by manipulating another’s mind. No one really enjoys being controlled. Plainly stated, blaming  kills relationships.
    Simply taking responsibility for our own choices, admitting we made a mistake, apologizing for a poor choice, and vowing to learn from errors, are much better options. We will appear much more adult-like in our behavior than a childlike blamer.
    Most crave respect, loyalty, stability and honesty in our relationships. That intimacy can be ours if we learn to eliminate blame. We can be full of power
   
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Stomping on other’s boundaries is a great offense
    Do you ever feel overwhelmed and stressed? If so, chances are, your invisible fence of protection has been stomped on and destroyed. Our personal boundaries protect us from negative emotions and destructive invasions.
    Boundaries are self-built. We decide who we will let in and who will not be good for us to let in. We communicate what others can do and say to us and what we cannot tolerate. We determine how much we can give and where our stopping point is.
    The clearer our boundaries, the more predictable and tolerable life becomes. Just like the husband in Fiddler on the Roof, “it’s nice to know” what to expect, when events will happen, how far others can go with us.
    Children thrive when boundaries are clear. Their world feels safer. They feel power when they know what to expect every time they break a rule.
    Teens need them in their highly fluctuating world. With clearly stated and pre-determined limits, they have a more certain future without the complications of consequences of poorly thought out choices.
    Adults need boundaries to keep life simple and tolerable. With all of the bombardments of the electronic age, simplicity has vanished. Overtime, invasions by phones, sports, appointments, schedules, responsibilities fill all extra hours.
    If we don’t set aside down time, we won’t get it. Sitting on porches will be a forgotten activity. Sipping beverages around a table of conversation is becoming a lost art. Listening to soul inspiring music has very little opportunity. Playing games with others has been forgotten. Cooking creative, healthy casseroles to share around the dinner table has been forgotten for fast-food and snacking at all hours.
    People aren’t having as much fun, aren’t as healthy, aren’t as relaxed, aren’t as productive, aren’t as social, and aren’t as happy as they could be. Establishing clear boundaries that secure for them what they need is up to each person.
    Setting boundaries is something only we can do. Others have no right to determine what our limits and boundaries will be. That would be control, and control is a boundary offense.
    True freedom arises from clear boundaries. Clear boundaries are effective only when predictable consequences build that fence. Start today to build your boundaries to prevent the great of-FENCES.
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Mental illness hits half of Americans!
   A recent survey has found that disabling mental illness is as common as such chronic diseases as heart disease and cancer in Americans, striking at a much younger age, with more lasting impact on life.
    Many cases begin with mild symptoms, such as low-level anxiety or persistent shyness. Left untreated, however, they can escalate into more serious depression, disabling phobias or clinical anxiety, with debilitating consequences later in life.
    Most take years, to seek treatment if they seek treatment at all, the survey found. Moreover, when they do, only about one in three receives treatment in any given year that meets minimum standards of care.
    Overall, one out of four people meets the criteria for some type of mental disorder in a given year, but the vast majority of those cases are mild and not all of them need treatment.
    The survey examined four categories of disorders: anxiety, such as panic and post-traumatic stress disorders; mood, such as depression and bipolar disorders; impulse-control, such as conduct and attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder; and substance abuse -- alcohol and drug abuse.
    The average age of onset for anxiety disorders and impulse-control disorders is just 11 years old, the survey found, while substance abuse and mood disorders start later -- at average ages of 20 and 30 years old, respectively.
    Occurrence of these problems early in life interferes with achieving important milestones, such as graduating from high school or college, staying in a close relationship, or holding down a job, the researchers said. Those problems, in turn, can cause lifelong difficulties. There are ripple effects through life. These disorders basically determine how people's lives turn out.
    The study authors did find reason for optimism. Treatment rates are higher today than they were 10 years ago, up to 41% from 25% in 1994. Nearly half fail to get treatment. The problem is that the doctors were not hearing how the mental disorder was interfering with relationships, and job and school performance. As a result, they were either under treated, or not treated at all when they finally went for help.
    Life can be 100% better when the symptoms of these disorders are treated effectively. Taking medications and getting therapy is far superior to taking illicit drugs and drinking high amounts of alcohol trying to calm the storm within.
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Some addictions can be beneficial 
    Addiction: A compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit which causes good feelings that make a person want to repeat the action that gave them that “high.”
    When we hear the word “addiction,” fear usually dominates. But, what if the power of good things could be addictive? Would it be possible to develop an addiction to things like peace? Joy? Generosity? Integrity? Productivity? Kindness? Respectfulness?
    What would our world be like if these addictions were more common than alcohol, nicotine, methamphetamine, and marijuana? How would our family life be different? How much more pleasant would our work environments be? How would our community change? Would the divorce rates go down? Would crime levels decrease?
    Peace is desirable by all. Why do we do that which robs our lives of peace? We need more time by streams rather than working so much overtime. We could benefit by watching sunrises and sunsets, rather than TV and computers. Being alone to think and journal would bring more peace than having to be at so many games, activities, and gatherings.
    Joy is simple when there are children around. Just watching the creativity of children left to be free is pure entertainment. Being surrounded by those who love us brings a warmth and sense of connection that doubles as joy.
    Generosity gives a sense of satisfaction, especially when the receiver is ignorant of whom the giver is. The world around us changes as we become givers simply by taking a small gift to someone who is sick, or dropping a pizza by to someone who can’t get out very often. Sometimes the gift of ourselves is the most generous gift we can give.
    Integrity addictions would end all crime, fraud, deceit, and violence. What if all decisions made were made simply because the right thing is superior to the wrong thing? Wouldn’t we all feel more secure if everyone were addicted to this wonderful quality?
    Kindness habits would certainly make school days more positive. No one would have to feel that they weren’t good enough, or that they were too overweight or too ignorant to be accepted. Children would know that they did their best, and that was OK, in fact it would be considered wonderful.
    Respect is the universal quality that everyone appreciates. What a great world we would have if we all had that addiction. Being aware of the sensitivity of others and seeing through their eyes can help us treat them how we would want to be treated.
    Addictions like these could make a better world. Families wouldn’t be broken up. Animosity wouldn’t even be a word! We could have a utopia.
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If only . . . 

    As a therapist, I hear the words “If only . . . ” on a regular basis. We all have regrets. We all learn some things the hard way. But if you happen to be willing to learn from others, here is a collection of wisdom from those who have gone before.   
    If only I had made a rule for myself that I would not be alone with my boyfriend in high school.
    If only I had listened to the wisdom and advice of my parents and friends, I might have made fewer mistakes.
    If only I had waited long enough after starting to date that I really knew who I was marrying, I may have had better memories and thoughts of marriage now.
    If only I had never chosen to be under the influence, I may not have had my accident.
    If only I had chosen a better other parent for my children, they could have grown up with both parents in their lives every day!
    If only I had asked for my needs to be met before my resentment grew to an unbearable level, my marriage could have been more fun.
    If only I had played with my children when they were young, they might never have resorted to destructive behaviors.
    If only we had eaten meals around the table instead of the TV, my children would have been launched with more positive memories of home.
    If only I had gone for therapy long ago, my marriage could have been saved.
    If only we had learned how to solve our conflicts in a healthy way, our children wouldn’t have had to carry so much fear and anxiety.
    If only I had learned to set boundaries on others, I would have more to give today.
    If only I had gone ahead and hugged my teenagers, even if I was uncomfortable, they might not have left home so early.
    If only I had been diagnosed with my psychiatric disorder years ago and took my medication, I may not have hurt those I loved.
    If only I had gone with my children to church when they were young, they might have found better activities than drugs and alcohol.
    If only I had let my children be responsible for the consequences of their behaviors, they might be more productive today.
    If only I hadn’t taken that first drink, I might have never hurt my family by making them think they weren’t important.
    If only I had told them how important they were before they died, I could have more peace now.   
    If only I had dealt with my anger long ago, my children would be in my life today.
    There is more–but the wisdom from these can add to your life before it is too late. Life’s value comes from our relationships. Each piece of wisdom contributes to improved connections with those we love and who love us.

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When it comes to brains, function matters   
    They often say that a picture is worth a thousand words
    This is a picture of a healthy scan of a brain, looking down at the top surface.  The smoothness reflects a brain working smoothly to solve the problems of life.
normal top

This is the brain of an alcoholic.  The holes are not brain that is missing, just brain areas that are underactive. Depending on where the underactive area is, the person with this brain may find they have difficulty making decisions impulsively, having their emotions and moods to be unstable, concentrating, and remembering.

alcohol


This beauty is another healthy view of the underside of a health brain. All areas seem to be functioning quite efficiently and effectively.

normal

 
This brain belongs to an 18 year old that has used marijuana for a few years thinking it was completely safe and that it was the best thing for him at the time. What do you think?

marijuana

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Hurricanes of life can make us stronger
      It’s hurricane season! Hurricanes are somewhat like life’s irritations–the winds of strife, the rains of disappointments and unmet expectations.
    As the hurricanes change the communities they frequent, we changed by our own life-hurricanes. A quote often credited to Nietzsche states “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” But, for many, those trials bring bitterness, withdrawal, complaining, grudges, and revenge.
    What are the hurricanes of life? That which brings damage and destruction to the landscape of our worlds. Mood-altering substances wreak havoc with many families, ripping off the roofs of their security, leaving them with no protection from the wind and rain.
    Divorce tears down the very structure of  our communities leaving confusion, loneliness, disjointedness, and despair. Transiency and isolation removes the threads that hold our society together.
    Abuse erodes the unseen structure of families as the esteem is critically damaged. Connections with others becomes flawed because of the inner weakness and instability.    Violence, attempting to control others creates a structural weakness causing families to disintegrate. Believing freedom is theirs, those who are violent become more hopelessly enslaved by believing they are correcting the damage of the storms.
    The difference between wind and rain hurricanes and life hurricanes is that we can prevent some of life’s storms.
    By making every choice based on whether or not it is best for us and our family we can avoid numerous poor choices which bring strife and send messages invalidating those we love. We don’t have to have everything we want. Setting limits on ourselves shuts down the power of suction that pulls self-esteem from others and leaves them feeling unimportant and worthless.
    Choosing to work on our relationships to improve the way we communicate and interact blows away the dark clouds of doubt and revenge. Knowing that someone is willing to nurture their relationship with you somehow makes the sun shine, even on a rainy day.
    Simply having fun, doing the things that bring satisfaction and reward to an otherwise dreary existence sets off the fireworks which keeps the brightness of excitement and anticipation in the eyes of those around us.
    Life does have it’s difficulties, but we have the choice to turn them in to strengths and benefits.
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Having ADHD is like having a drained battery      
    Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) occurs in about one out of ten children and one out of twenty adults. New brain studies demonstrate the inefficiency of a brain with ADHD while attempting to devise solutions to problems. More oxygen is used but the part of the brain that could solve the problems easily seems to be sleeping.
    The chemicals that transmit vital messages and thoughts are reduced. In addition, other transmitters may be overactive producing a high level of “noise” in the brain. That noise is very distracting and usually quite negative making it difficult to feel happy and relaxed.
    Having ADHD produces some of the same results that occur when problems develop in the electrical system of a car. The lights may be on, but there is a drain on the battery when the engine is not engaged. When the battery is dead, you can’t play the radio or put the car in gear and make it move. If the alternator is faulty, the lights may dim and the radios will not work right.
    There are three types of ADHD–Inattentive, Hyperactive/Impulsive, or Combined type. The inattentive type is what brings adults their problems in life. Those problems arise either from having trouble focusing and concentrating, or from being impulsive and restless. Anger outbursts and restlessness are common.
    Common complications in life develop patterns when an adult has ADHD. Underachievement in spite of a high IQ, dangerous risk-taking, damaged relationships, unpredictability, over time, contribute to feeling  hopeless and frustrated. Giving up seems the only option.
    Treatment in the form of medication combined with therapy is a benefit. Imbalances in the brain can be corrected quite well. In fact, stimulants, which are the first line of treatment, have a 90% success rate. The non-stimulants do quite well with 60% of the symptoms being controlled. Both treatments are safe and effective.
    The individual with ADHD can improve their life by incorporating a high level of structure and developing a life with routines. Since stress is common in the history of their lives, this consistency reduces further pressure.
    Many criticize those who must resort to treatment for this disorder. If those who found fault had to live the life of a person with ADHD, they would welcome the relief that can be given by effective treatment coupled with therapy to deal with the negative thoughts. ADHD is a valid disorder.
    Serious consequences of untreated ADHD are imprisonment, danger from high risk behaviors, like drug-use and wreckless driving, failed relationships, and poor performance at work. Successful treatment can have a dramatic effect on the quality of a person’s life who has this condition.
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Talking to those with age brings wisdom by proxy
    What do you see when you see someone with many years in their past? Do you think they aren’t wise or aware of their surroundings? Do you talk loudly assuming that white-haired person is unable to hear? They may have a limp, a stoop in their back, or gnarled fingers.
    But what’s on the inside? Inside is the compilation of all of those years from early childhood, through school years, a wealth of work years, and retirement. Their wisdom gained is available to any who will sit for a few minutes and focus on them.
    Look at the elderly as possessing a wealth of accumulated learning from experience. They have lived. They have learned. They hurt.  They feel joy. They remember what it was like to look through younger years. Ask them if they would go back, if they could?
    Every year brought new experiences. Good accompanied the bad. Dreams were achieved. Sometimes dreams built had to be given up. They fell in love just like any young adult. Ask them to tell you about some choices they made when they were blind with what they called love. Then ask them if it was really love.
    As they ventured into the world to make it on their own, their work hours were much longer than 40 a week. Putting food on the table didn’t mean what it does today. Preparing food took a lot longer in the “olden days.” Ask what they had to give up in order to get what they needed for their families.
    There comes a time in everyone’s life when the realization hits that we can’t remain children all of our lives. It begins to dawn when we create a new life that is totally dependent on us for food, safety, security, and a sense of family. Talk with them about their successes and failures as they reflect on the awesome job of parenting.
    With healthcare unable to save pregnancies, devastate infections, and keep heart vessels opened, loss and the chance of loss permeated every day. Let them share some of the scares they faced when it came to health. Talk about security. What terrorized their past?
    Inside each person of age, lies a heart that remembers and learned from each major crisis they walked through. Look through their eyes in order to gain a measure of wisdom from their years of growing as they have lived life. Why learn everything the hard way? Learn something this week from someone who knows.
   
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Know yourself        
    Being unaware of who you are leaves your life unplanned, unpredictable, uncomfortable, and unsuccessful. Since we spend so much time with ourselves, why not find out who we are?
    What makes you who you are? Is it your family? Your innate personality? Your job? Your choices? It can be satisfying to spend some time alone becoming more aware of who you are. Life can be less confusing, decisions will become easier, guiding principles will clarify your choices, and you will simply feel that you have more to offer others.
    What type of people do you enjoy spending your time with? What activities do you enjoy the most? What is your purpose in getting up each day? What emotions dominate your life? What messages do you get from others about who you are? What do you need from the significant people in your life? What do you enjoy giving to those special people? What brings joy and excitement? What keeps you from doing what you enjoy? How can you change the negatives in your life?
    Being honest with ourselves gives freedom to be who we really are. Only then can we begin to ask others for the things we need from them. Only then can we share our hidden fears and unspoken dreams. Only then can we experience relational intimacy.
    Decisions are difficult to make if our goals haven’t been defined and refined. Life is aimless if principles we choose to guide our lives haven’t been thought out and put into words.
    In order to become a great communicator, we have to know the answers to the questions above. With a high level of self-awareness, we can enjoy close, meaningful relationships.
    Knowing with certainty who you are and what you want (and why you want it), enables you to consciously and actively make those wants a reality. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself continuing to feel frustrated and disappointed with “if-only ” at the end of life.
    Try answering the questions in the second paragraph while you are alone in a quiet place. When you are certain of who you really are, share that with your closest relationships. Ask for your needs to be met. Find out what your significant others need from you.
    If we don’t know ourselves, life becomes very difficult, unsettling, and chaotic because we never know what the stranger we are will do next. Matthew Arnold said “He who finds himself, loses his misery.”
   
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Positive outlooks can help
Great relationships don’t just happen automatically. Here are three factors that can turn a dull, boring relationship into a great one.
    Keep your relationship a priority.  Couples spend every spare moment together talking and having lots of fun when they begin their relationship. Then, when children enter the picture or careers become demanding, their intention to spend time together gets buried and lost in the busyness of everyday activities. 
    Spending time together requires planning. Simply sitting talking alone for a few moments every day can make that necessary connection. As your relationship becomes a priority, every moment possible will be focused on each other.
    Enjoy your differences. They are valuable, not something you need to change in someone else. It’s futile to try to change another person.
    To truly have a great relationship, there has to be mutual appreciation and acceptance of what each person brings to the relationship. That even includes the differences that drive us crazy!
    To do that, first, become aware of your differences. Don't assume that your partner thinks just like you think. Your priorities are different.
    Next, talk about these differences and share what is important to you. Remember to listen with an open heart and not judge. Just because someone likes to do something in a little different way than you doesn't mean it is wrong.
    If there are conflicts about the ways in which things are done or where the priorities are placed, you may want to devise a completely new way of doing things. Together, you may devise an even better way of looking at or doing something.
    Appreciate each other's gifts instead of holding onto what you think is the "right way" to do it.  Keep the focus on what you like, love, appreciate about your partner.
    In many relationships, there is the temptation to take each other for granted after a number of years or even months of being together. When that happens, one or both people in the relationship begin to "pick" at each other and their "faults" seem to magnify.
    This is not to ignore what needs to be said. Focus on what you want more of in your relationship instead of what you want less of.  Sounds like common sense but very few people actually do it.
    If you are not feeling loved and appreciated yourself, start looking for and feeling the ways your spouse or friends are showing their love and appreciation that you may not be aware of in your daily life. 
    Start seeing and appreciating what they do "right." Take the time, in your thoughts, words and actions, to be appreciative of the other person and watch how your relationships blossom!
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The art of giving your opinion
     Opinions are something everyone seems to have. In the wake of the worst disaster in our history, we have all become experts in relief efforts and cleanup. Many great ideas are lost because the delivery fails to inspire new direction.
    The art of giving opinions and creating a difference in another’s choice requires thought, planning and tact. Humans resist anything that feels like force or restraint. Many good opinions are rejected because of the way they are delivered.
    What are the components of successfully being heard when you have an opinion that differs from that of the one you want to influence?
    Use the indirect approach. Instead of saying “You should just drop her,” or “You better look around,” try “I’ve noticed you all disagree on some major issues,” or “I wonder whether you will enjoy these outbursts five years from now?”
    Challenge them to look at the situation from different vantage points. Direct recommendations opposing their apparent choice only creates determination to stay on their course. Use cautious language that includes terms like “often others say...” or “it seems to suggest...” These give a sense of freedom to the receiver of your great opinion. Freedom of choice reduces resistance.
    Stick to the facts. Emotions and feelings aren’t always the best indicators of the best direction to take. Since we are all full of emotional needs, the first choice to fill those needs may not be the best.
    In giving your opinion, tell the other person what you have noticed about their behavior. Have they been responsible? Have they made choices that have benefitted them? Are they neglecting important parts of their life?
    Has there been an increase in negative events? Pull in backup. Encourage those who seem to be on the verge of making a mistake to consult with others. It is likely your opinion will be shared by others who see the situation from an outside viewpoint.
    As well as other friends and family members, celebrity opinions and books may provide helpful input. The object is to provide a broader base with which to make important decisions in life for those important to you.
    Avoid saying “I told you so.” The future holds more opportunities to be a consultant to someone who stubbornly chooses their way in spite of red flags and evidence contrary to that choice.
    Simply saying “It was your choice” is the best way to stay in relationship with someone who rejects your opinion.
    We all have freedom to make our opinions, no matter how wise or stupid they may be. The key is that we have to live with the consequences.
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Parents are best resource for wisdom
     Let’s face it. Life isn’t easy. Life is basically made of thousands and thousands of choices. Some choices are easier than others. The big choices are the ones that impact the majority of our life and happiness.
    Why should we try to make major decisions based only on our own experience? And why shouldn’t we consult with those who have the longest, most consistent records of demonstrating love to us? We have a lot to gain and nothing to lose by consulting with parents.
    With visiting grandchildren from south Mississippi, aged two and three, “doing it by myself” is obviously a developmental technique designed by toddlers. As we become adults and our decisions become more and more vital to our happiness and society’s stability, it just makes sense to get a committee to help us decide on future careers, partners, moves, and commitments.
    The many aspects of a dilemma or major pathway decision become clearer with multiple minds providing input. Imagine choosing a career without considering the future security of that job, or opportunities for growth. Selecting a life partner and future co-parent for our children actually makes more sense if reason is used instead of emotions. Purchases, these days are major investments of the results of long and hard work. Impulses are rarely wise techniques for making decisions.
    Consulting with parents and wise others, we don’t always get confirmation of the choices we favor. Parents’ concepts are shaped by many years of learning from the choices they have made, and from exposure to many more types of personalities and obstacles than we have had time to encounter.
    Of course, after consulting, we may be discouraged from certain choices. We can either stubbornly choose to hang on to our direction, or make the difficult choice based on what most likely is best for us. Choosing that which is most positive for our future seems most logical.
    Since we are the ones that have to live with our choices, we can’t blame anyone else if the consequences to our choice are negative and painful. Society is shaped and supported by the decisions we each make. The larger society surrounding us deserves a voice. We don’t have to be stuck in the “terrible twos” through adulthood. Adult behavior is much more becoming.
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Self-control is becoming a lost art
Domestic violence, stealing or destruction of another’s property, instant access of other people’s information, or impulsive  expressions of emotions are at an all-time high. What do these all have in common? They represent a lack of self-control. They are done in desperation, usually because there has been a  feeling that control has been lost. These actions to regain control always rob the other person of their personal control or freedom.
    Is it possible to learn self-control after childhood? Probably. But, the older we get, the more difficult it becomes.
    For adults that didn’t learn this valuable trait of self-control, there are some needed plans and efforts that must be taken.
    Trying to get our needs met impulsively and immediately motivates humans to use methods that drain or take away something from another. So, self-control requires integrity or operating out of a framework that refuses to hurt, drain, or take anything from someone else.
    Developing integrity and self-control requires the following:
    Establish what principles are involved in what needs to be accomplished. Write them down. Commit to allow these principles to guide all of your interactions with others. A spiritual connection makes this step much easier.
    Now make a list of all the ways you can get what you need or want. This is an opportunity to be creative. You may want to outline all of the advantages and disadvantages of the options that fit in with your principles. If the principle you developed is violated, you can eliminate a solution making the final decision much easier.
    Knowing our weaknesses and tendencies, an important step is to create boundaries for ourselves. Get a glimpse of what you can specifically do to get what you need.
    Having created a rule for yourself is not the same as making the rules effective. That is done by building in consequences and rewards. If you offend your own rule, create an immediate consequence either monetary, behavioral, or material. Let’s say you raise your voice to your teen. For every time you do that, you put two dollars in a jar to use to take them on a special outing.
    Before long, integrity can rule your interactions. Life can be rewarding. If we fail to plan, then we might as well plan to fail. 
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Inner voices determine our emotions
    We all hear them–the voices from our past that judge, condemn, congratulate, and advise us in our daily life. It’s not a psychiatric disorder.  It is normal.
    Problems develop when we accept those voices at being valid and accurate. Much of what we think is never heard by those around us. They are left confused by our attitudes, actions, and responses to them.
    For example, a husband may come home to find everyone sitting around a computer playing games. If his inner voices are telling him he is not lovable, he may kick his shoes off and slump in his chair after turning on the TV. No greeting, no smile, no hugs.
    Believing no one could love him, he behaves in a way that makes it difficult for his children to want to include or acknowledge him
    Where do these voices originate? Usually in the first six years of life, the brain has recorded predominant interpretations and messages which will replay indefinitely. A major purpose of living is to discover what is true rather than accepting what damaged humans have given us.
    How do we actually discover what is true? Several steps are necessary.
    First, we must acknowledge what we actually believe. Am I weak? Do I feel no one wants me around?
    Second, ask what you are doing to contribute to the voices. What can you do to combat that negative voice? If the opposite were true, what would you be doing differently?
    Third, begin doing something new that you would be doing if the opposite were true. Come in the house, hug everyone, express an interest in the exciting parts of their day, ask if they would like you to help them with what they are doing.
    Fourth, after six weeks, look for the changes that have taken place just from your doing the opposite of what you did when you believed the inner messages had authority over you.
    A delightful surprise should be in store for you. You see, when one person changes, everyone connected to them will have to respond to those changes. No one remains the same in a family after one begins to behave differently.
    This process is a part of something bigger called “differentiation.” As adults, we examine the person that was shaped by the events of the past. We don’t have to accept the messages as true. We can begin to see ourselves as the Master Designer created us to be originally. When we get that glimpse, we realize there is no better place to be.
    The lies of the past do not have to determine the truths of the future. The hope lies inside each one of us as we search for the truth.     

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  Anatomy of terrorism globally and at home
    Recently I took a “Spy-trip” which was a fascinating glimpse into the world of intelligence and counter-intelligence.
    Terrorism has center stage in our world today. In our own homes, many individuals feel the sense of being terrorized by those using substances, force, threats, lies, and the control of money to victimize others. Fear, insecurity and despair permeate the environment as a result of terrorism.
    The theories that describe families also describe the methods of how a terrorist gains power. Terrorism is based on some basic facts.
     A terrorist’s perverted arrogance evolves from the sense of no freedom. This belief that they are trapped or controlled leads the terrorist to have a strong desire to control others.
    This desire for control leads the terrorist to grow intolerant of the opinions and beliefs of others. Strategies develop designed to “get their way.” No consideration is given to the freedoms due other individuals. Others are not given the right to see things differently.
    Terrorists place themselves above all others in value and importance. When a complex problem surfaces, their views are simple–“Whatever I say and decide is what will be. I have the right ideas, I have the power, and I deserve to get what I want.”
    Terrorists may admit guilt for damage, but not because they are sorry. Attempts at shifting blame to the one being terrorized deny the significance of the act. “It’s not my fault, but I did what I did because of you!”
    Those wielding this type of control over another want others to know they are proud of their dominance. Feeling justified for what they did, they may even celebrate the act of violence against another.
    The tools we have, to neutralize terrorists at home and abroad, evolve from understanding terrorists.
    What gives our family terrorists the origin or first thought that control is necessary or desirable? What is that nidus and what can combat the root of this sick arrogance?
    Arrogance arises out of the disrespect of being put down, ignored, and belittled. It follows that our best defense is to raise our children with affirmation, validation, and attention.
    Children growing up in atmospheres of  emotional support, inclusion, and value never think of terrorizing others. Being raised in families that play together, talk together, eat together, listen to each other, treat each other with respect, attend church or community groups together, never even feel the need to control everyone else.
    Being treated with respect usually creates respect. I wonder if the world powers have ever given this principle consideration?
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