PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
Return to Tom and Arlene's Home Page
 
 
Look deeper into your resolutions
 People with cell phones need etiquette books We often feel helpless when health is threatened
Long proud life leaves little regret
 Sometimes you just need to cut your losses
 Lost potential is sad fact of life
Love is not always enough
 There are similarities between martyrdom and gossip-spreading
 Maintain a healthy sense of yourself
Sexual addictions don't resemble love
 Many of us have an enemy within
 The world would be better if we all lived like we were dying
Look deeper into your resolutions
 Lost potential is sad fact of life
 We can fool ourselves with anger
Most would like to run the world
 "A life well-lived is the best revenge"
 Sadly there is not vaccine for emotional infections
Saturday a special night locally



Look deeper into your resolutions
           
    What was your resolution this year? If you really want to have success, peer beneath the problem you are trying to eliminate. Many resolve to lose weight, get a higher-paying position, spend time doing something that hasn’t come easy, eat more healthfully, or nurture relationships.
    First, analyze the unhealthy behavior you are trying to eliminate. Ask yourself some difficult questions.
    What have I gained by having this troubling habit or trait that I am trying to eliminate? Do these reinforcers keep you in the rut you despise? Perhaps you don’t go out in public, or your habit is a convenient excuse to avoid something you fear admitting you dislike.
    Who does your habit keep you from being close to? For instance, does your smoking keep visitors away? Or keep them from inviting you over for a social event?
    Is it possible that you really value being alone? Would you rather be your own best friend? You may find it difficult to be totally honest and share personal information with others. Whom does your habit keep away?
    Is there something or someone that will make it difficult to be successful in your resolution? If so, you might want to avoid places or people associated with the habit. Tell those who might make it difficult to accomplish your resolution that you will have to avoid them until you feel that you have conquered your goal.
    Sometimes, the greatest defeater of achieving success  is within our inner thoughts and self-talk. “I’m a failure and loser.” “I’m worthless.” “I’ll never be good enough.” “Who cares?”
    If our thoughts are the barriers for success, a superior resolution may be to discover what is true about who we really are. Instead of focusing on eliminating the behavior, try spending time with those who love you and will be honest with you. They can help you decide what is true about you. Only then will you discover the formula for success.
    As homo sapiens, when we try NOT to do something, we seem to want to do it more. And when we desperately TRY to achieve, we get distracted by any of those lies we believe about ourselves. Those lies are the true defeaters of New Year’s resolutions. If you can’t disclaim the lies by yourself, a few counseling sessions can help a great deal. Your New Year’s resolutions can become your reality.
Top of page
Long, proud life leaves little regrets          
      The time has come. She has lived a good life. Eighty-five years of living through the Great Depression,  Oklahoma “Dust Bowl” era, one 60-year marriage, three children, six grandchildren, four great grandchildren, and a very long work career. No big regrets for her, really. I’m watching the memories vanish as she lies dying.
    Tears, phone calls from family concerned but separated by distance, hospice nurses, medications, machines, oxygen, and the realization that we may never have another conversation.
    Mothers. They’re the ones that teach daughters to be industrious, kind, and caring. The soft hearts of the world are usually nurtured by mothers. Their jobs are made easier by devoted and loyal husbands, who spoil them at times, rub their feet when they are tired, wait on them when their vision fades.
    Knowing that there is no other mother in the world for me is very difficult. Who will be interested or care when my heart hurts or feels joy and pride? Who will go shopping and give gifts that happen to be just what I needed?
    A humorous thought pervades my thoughts while tears well in my eyes. Who is going to find the chocolate she has hidden around the house? Shall we eat it in her honor now that she can only take in fluids? Diabetes  robbed her of that pleasure. Somehow, she knew how to indulge on occasion and still manage fairly well.
    For a woman who retired less than two years ago, I’m reminded of the satisfaction of achievement, and the reward of work. She always celebrated with each increase of her social security check as it kept increasing over the years.
    At the age of sixty, when she retired from working as a postmistress, she decided to take a few nursing classes so she could understand the conversations around the table at family gatherings full of nurses.
    We were all proud and amazed when we attended her graduation from nursing school at the age of 60. Little did we know that licensure in this new career would take her to the cancer unit of a big hospital, directing nurses in nursing homes, and retiring after working for years as a supervisor on the evening shift.
    She never thought she was special. Never understood what she had done right for her three children to “turn out” so well. But, she always knew she was loved and admired. So much in a life. Losing it is a major event.
    Sedation keeps her from the pain of dying, but the family around her bears that for her. As a family therapist, preserving the family for times like this is what life is all about--getting ready for death, being able to reflect on a life well-lived. There is a lot to be said for having few regrets.
Top of page
Love is not always enough       
Love is a highly-rated commodity, for sure, but in marriage, it may not be enough. How could that be? If we love each other, we will nurture and meet the needs of our partner, right?
    Oh, that it was that easy. When you hear that “baggage” has been brought into a relationship, it can be corrupted with contraband, or past hurts that infect the future. So, no, love is not enough. The following traits make great complements to love.
    Past hurts, both small and large, can prevent us from feeling that we have the right to ask for our needs to be met. Without asking, those needs will go silently begging  and continue to be unmet.
    Share your needs expressing your feelings that are building as a result of having them overlooked. Be specific about how your partner can fill your needs for love. Needs are very legitimate and no one can know what they are unless you share them.
    Of course, we must be willing to hear and meet the needs of our partner. This requires an attitude of submission. Sometimes we may have to meet their needs for them to be willing to meet ours.
    Set boundaries on others and your self. Boundaries protect our ability to love each other. Shields which prevent resentment and bitterness are erected by logical boundaries. Limits that are set and honored regarding disrespect, hurts, being taken advantage of, not being helped, or simply lack of consideration, if observed, result in warmer responses because we FEEL more loved.
    Resolve past hurts. The past infects the present by causing emotional allergies. When we feel hurts today that remind us of past hurts, we react just like we did when we were the child being hurt. Immature responses in the present invite others to treat us as a child.
    Abuse of any kind during childhood brings a sense that we don’t deserve to be loved as adults. That is the crime of abuse–causing children to lose their source of joy and hope. Adults who were abused as children don’t think they deserve to be loved. They seem to believe there is something faulty about the core of their being. But, they were not the guilty or evil ones at all.
    By simply making efforts to improve the integrity in these three relational arenas, love is free to replace the disturbing “baggage.” Relationships can become rewarding and fulfilling.
Top of page
Sexual addictions don’t resemble love       
Breaking a sexual addiction is very difficult.  Sexual addiction? What’s that? The best definition is when a person seems compelled to participate secretly in sexually stimulating behaviors that, if known, would damage those closest to us, the ones who need our love the most–spouses and children.
    Sexual addictions begin in childhood when their actions bring guilt and shame.  Constantly getting messages that they make only poor choices, and are unacceptable. Usually affection is a very limited but highly desired commodity. Coupled with that is usually early exposure to pornography or some other sexual stimulation. Sexually stimulating activities become their “drug.” 
    As the addiction grows, the addict feels compelled to participate in pornography, masturbation, sexual offenses, or sexual satisfactions even though the ones they are in lasting relationships with are not accepting of those practices. The relationships spiral downward as the addict is unable to give up the practices that damage their primary relationships.
    You might recognize some of the clues that tell you there is a sexual addiction close to you if: your spouse seems to avoid interacting with the family;  they seem to have more than average excuses for coming home late (accidents, helping people with flat tires, car problems) or leaving early; they do things out of character (wash their clothes when they come home); seem extremely tired all the time; never seem to have as much money as is earned; have unfamiliar odors on their body or in their clothes;  suggest sexual behaviors that are uncomfortable for you; have unexplained credit card or phone charges; leave cards in their car from people they never talk about; have huge phone bills; spend inordinate amounts of time on their computers; and have sites visited on their computer that are sex-related.
    At home, the sexual addict may not give any clues in the frequency of sexual encounters, because their needs are being met elsewhere. They spend much energy getting their needs met and trying to keep secrets. The only time their levels of guilt and shame are pushed to the background is when they are getting their sexual needs met.  Guilt and shame drives most of what they do.
    So, what can we do?  The only help is through individual and group support over at least three years duration. Check with mental health agencies in the area if you feel you are dealing with this most difficult of addictions. It’s not worth losing your family over.
 Top of page
Look deeper into your resolutions 
    What was your resolution this year? If you really want to have success, peer beneath the problem you are trying to eliminate. Many resolve to lose weight, get a higher-paying position, spend time doing something that hasn’t come easy, eat more healthfully, or nurture relationships.
    First, analyze the unhealthy behavior you are trying to eliminate. Ask yourself some difficult questions.
    What have I gained by having this troubling habit or trait that I am trying to eliminate? Do these reinforcers keep you in the rut you despise? Perhaps you don’t go out in public, or your habit is a convenient excuse to avoid something you fear admitting you dislike.
    Who does your habit keep you from being close to? For instance, does your smoking keep visitors away? Or keep them from inviting you over for a social event?
    Is it possible that you really value being alone? Would you rather be your own best friend? You may find it difficult to be totally honest and share personal information with others. Whom does your habit keep away?
    Is there something or someone that will make it difficult to be successful in your resolution? If so, you might want to avoid places or people associated with the habit. Tell those who might make it difficult to accomplish your resolution that you will have to avoid them until you feel that you have conquered your goal.
    Sometimes, the greatest defeater of achieving success  is within our inner thoughts and self-talk. “I’m a failure and loser.” “I’m worthless.” “I’ll never be good enough.” “Who cares?”
    If our thoughts are the barriers for success, a superior resolution may be to discover what is true about who we really are. Instead of focusing on eliminating the behavior, try spending time with those who love you and will be honest with you. They can help you decide what is true about you. Only then will you discover the formula for success.
    As homo sapiens, when we try NOT to do something, we seem to want to do it more. And when we desperately TRY to achieve, we get distracted by any of those lies we believe about ourselves. Those lies are the true defeaters of New Year’s resolutions. If you can’t disclaim the lies by yourself, a few counseling sessions can help a great deal. Your New Year’s resolutions can become your reality.
 Top of page
Nothing is as it seems
    After spending five vacation days with former spies from the CIA, FBI, MI-5, and KGB, my husband and I have come to realize that nothing is what it appears to be.
    Espionage is not unique to our spy agencies. All of us make assumptions and draw conclusions about the clues we see in each others’ behavior and conversations.
    One misinterpretation of a Russian word caused the intelligence world to be looking for a spy with an artificial leg. The interpreter didn’t realize that the word actually could also mean a leg brace. As a result, a leg-braced polio victim was able to leak atomic bomb spy secrets for more than 30 years, in part, because of that interpretation error.
    How many times are we damaged emotionally, or have destroyed characters simply because our actions or words have been misrepresented or misinterpreted?
    Is there anything we can do to minimize misunderstanding? Can character slaughter be avoided?
    1. Check out any assumptions directly with the one we assume is doing something offensive. By simply saying “I noticed you didn’t answer my question and I assume it means that you didn’t hear me.” This becomes an opportunity for them to tell you that they just can’t make up their mind and that they heard you just fine.
    2. Adopt the “don’t tell if not sure” rule. Supposition about things seen can be way off base. Imagine seeing a police car in my driveway when you go by. Your interpretation may be that there has been a disturbance at our home. In fact, it could be an officer delivering an order for me to provide information to a lawyer.
    If your spin on what you saw was to be passed on through two or three others, who knows what kind of story could be spreading like a wildfire through the town?
    3. Adopt the “don’t repeat anything” rule about all information that doesn’t directly involve you.
    Before phones, politicians sent “spies” to bars to “go sip some ale” and listen. This was the origin of the word, gossip. We all would appreciate the elimination of rumors and gossip about ourselves. We each deserve to decide whether our information is told or withheld.
    Spying has cost countries great losses of information and huge sums of money in tracing those losses. Lives have been lost, people condemned to imprisonment or death for breaking the three rules above. Why should we be exempt from following rules that can preserve lives, reputations, and integrity?
 Top of page
People with cell phones need etiquette books
People with cell phones need etiquette books        With the epidemic of cell phones, everyone seems to be writing their own rules about what is appropriate in the use and handling of their devices. I now have a new bias or set of pet peeves.  Why don’t these communication enhancers have directions for use? Babies come with all kinds of books of advice. It seems like phones take more time and attention than children.
    Advice #1: Use only in case of an emergency. The car breaks down, an accident takes place in front of you, you’re lost and a male (interpreted: you don’t ask directions), you run out of gas, you see a drunk driver, or there is a lost child in Walmart. It’s possible that you will be late, if you didn’t know that when you left home, it’s nice to let the one whom you are holding up doesn’t worry or feel as unimportant. If it’s not an impending death, or reporting a broken law, it might be reckless use of your cell phone.
    Advice #2: Protect the privacy of the one with whom you speak. Those around you have enough concerns of their own. They don’t need to hear of others’ frustrations, experiences, or intimate details. The one being called may not know you are standing in line at Burger King waiting to give your order.
    Advice #3: Turn off all cell phones when spending time with others you care about or have appointments with. That is, unless you want to give them the message that they are unimportant, worthless, and boring.
    Advice #4: Use the silent mode when in church, meetings, or classes. Presenters usually have a train of thought. Interruptions are like a caboose–they end the idea. Intruding into ideas and conversations was known as disrespect in the pre cell phone era.
    Advice #5: Control your phone, don’t let it control your life. Phones are a little like children–they are annoying if the adults aren’t containing the noise and activity levels.
    Advice #6: If you can’t pay your credit card bills, or buy groceries for your family, try hiding your phone for a month and see if you can stay alive. You could have an extra two or three bags of groceries each month, or a new outfit every month or two. Debt is burdensome.
    If you have extra advice on the use of cell phones, feel free to send it to the paper. Another edition on this topic could help this county be more friendly and inviting.
 Top of page
Sometimes we need to cut our losses
     Relationships either contribute to or eat away at who we are. We call it our soul, our spirit, our personality, or our being. We are ultimately responsible for protecting that which is ours.
    There are many ways to damage the central core of who we are. Civil human beings have been eating away at each other since time began. Abusing, blaming, controlling, criticizing, degrading, disapproving, forcing, manipulating threatening,  undermining, withdrawing, and withholding are a few common techniques which erode the human spirit.   
    When the destruction is constant and great, we are faced with a decision. Should we continue in the relationship knowing that nothing will likely change? Should we set limits with consequences that have a chance at bringing change? Or, should we give up and cut our losses, hoping to rebuild and reconstruct that which we have lost?
    Option number one, or staying in a destructive relationship, is like the metaphor of a beautiful apple being eaten away by the worms of the negative emotions which result from the hurtful behaviors of another. All that would be left is a dried up core which has nothing to offer another human. Truly nurturing others is something we can only do when we are healthy.
    Option two, or setting limits to protect ourselves has the potential of getting back what has been lost and changing the patterns that have been destructive. This choice takes courage, consistency, and determination, qualities that are difficult to practice when we have been eaten to the dried-up core. Sometimes a little therapy or counseling can return enough courage to do what is best for us at that point. Effective consequences may be needed to put some teeth into the new limits that we set.
    Leaving before we have absolutely nothing left inside is our last option. It only becomes a good choice after we have realized that boundaries are ineffective. Not because we did something wrong, but because we cannot control how others respond to our boundaries. They have freedom. We have the freedom to cut our losses before we have nothing left inside.
    Bells can’t ring with without a clapper. Alarms can’t buzz without a connection. Hearts can’t beat without blood to pump. Dry pots can’t boil. Pens can’t write without any ink. People can’t love when their spirit is dead.
 Top of page
There are similarities between martyrdom and gossip-spreading 
    Early in the history of the Christian era are haunting stories of human beings being eaten alive by lions. Audiences numbering in the thousands came to be excited and entertained by the carnage.
    Is that so different from the slaughtering of the human spirit through the popular sport of gossiping?  Even if the stories are based on facts, there are many details behind the facts that, if known, would help explain the complexity of the facts.
    How many are hurt because no one really knows the truth behind the history of the rumor? The hurts that came before the facts may be obscured in respect for the participants. However, because of inconsiderate spreading of stories of indiscretion, shame, hurt, suppositions, and ugliness, the victims are slowly slain before the audience of spectators and participators.
    The stench of the blood lost leaves innocent children marked. The cruelty of their peers further smears that blood by making fun of, ostracizing, or physically hurting those wounded children of scandals, divorces, affairs, drunkenness, and illicit and illegal choices.
    When faced with the choice to repeat information whether obtained directly or indirectly, a simple question could be contemplated. That question could be: “Would repeating the information help or hurt the victim or the one with whom I am about to share this information?” If the answer is that someone could be hurt, then don’t repeat it.
    For every action we want to do, if we know it is detrimental for us, we have to replace it with a more positive action. Like Androcles.
Top of page

Many of us have an enemy within us
     Some people call it low self-esteem or poor self-image. But, what is it really? And how can this invader which causes much of our personal defeat, itself be defeated?
    You’ve seen the effects of this intruder–perfectly capable people making poor choices or performing poorly on the job or in school. Behavior arises out of the beliefs about ourselves. We live out a script that has been written–not really by us, but by those who were around us in the early years of our lives.
    Accidental pregnancies leave a legend within the innocent child. Believing they are a mistake, their choices later in life will be based on what they believe to be true–that they are not good enough or wanted by anyone. Many times, their chosen behaviors are unconscious attempts to prove the legend true.
    When primary caretakers choose work, others, alcohol, drugs, TV or computers when they could choose to interact with their children, a malignant, destructive thought is generated. Neglect and abuse in any form invades the mind of that young person and convinces them that there is no value or worth within them. As a result, their fights in school, academic failure, and promiscuity again prove what they believe to be truth, proclaiming to the world: “I am worthless!”
    Parents deciding not to work on a marriage and giving up in divorce sometimes deprive children of one or both parents. Within time, they begin to doubt the fact that they are lovable. Believing they are unlovable, disrespect may become the mode of behaving toward others.
    Fighting between parents starts a different kind of anxiety within the heart of a child. Fear for their own safety and the safety of one or both parents begins a chemical cycle inside of their small bodies that triggers vigilant watching for the suspected dangers lurking in all unfamiliar places. Nightmares, phobias, and compulsions get their start when children feel this lack of control.
    Ideally, we can look at the origins of these false beliefs about ourselves and realize that unthinking people in our life didn’t really change our goodness, value, or lovability. But, most of us never consider the possibility that the somewhat thoughtless people around us could have been wrong.
    If we can examine what we believe to be true about ourselves, and begin to realize that we are doing our best in life, we can rid ourselves of these intrusive enemies of our self-image. In fact, we may come to realize that we are very OK and wonderful despite our shaky beginnings. Only then can we pass on to the next generation a positive view that will make this world a better place. 
    
Top of page
Lost potential is a sad fact of life
    Incredible achievements in the arena of science discoveries, philosophy, education, music, arts, and technology give life meaning. But how did these great accomplishments develop? They all came through the potential of a human being just like each one of us.
    Every day, however, much of this precious resource is lost. Discoveries could be lost, music never written, books never written because of this loss. What are the greatest robbers of human potential? Simply put: Humans. Their treatment and neglect of children or self.
    The avenues for destroying natural potential and abilities are many. We will only consider the most common.
    Fighting with each other.  Arguments destroy something creative within each participant. When children witness a fight, the fear begins to permeate their future. Attempts to achieve may never be made.  Failure will be more likely.
    Degrading another. Cruelty and unkindness rob both involved. The degrader doesn’t really feel good about whom they are and many times the degraded buys the message of inability or worthlessness. As a result, ideas and thoughts become trapped in a web of lies and confusion.
    Making something more important than our family. Connections weaken when the members of a family are given the message that they are not valued, loved, or may not belong. It is through these connections that potential is nurtured and developed. When families divide, move apart, and weaken, huge amounts of potential go down the drain.
    Choosing substances which alter our behavior or ability to maximally function. The inability to think clearly and make wise choices is limiting more and more lives. The saddest part arises as their choice impacts the lives of those who love them. All connected loose potential.
    Depriving another human of the freedom of choice. Controlling people don’t realize that those who succumb to their control are giving up parts of themselves. Those parts are the source of creativity, ingenuity, joy, and love. Manipulation and force to get what we want actually leave us with much less of what we are striving for.
    Potential will be at it’s highest when a person is surrounded by considerate, loving, free from mood-altering substances, non-controlling, respectful people. Lost potential? Sorrow and defeat can be replaced by the amazing potential of a human being when we surround them with these basic positive traits.
 Top of page

We often feel helpless when friends face terminal illnesses
  When life is threatened by a terminal illness, those of us in close connection feel helpless and unknowing about what our role is. We want to make their disease evaporate or at least have hope for a cure.
    What these friends and family members need most is not relief from the affliction. What they yearn for involves something much deeper.
    Your Presence. One of the greatest gifts is simply being available for conversations, simple activities, or just watching the rain fall with them. The unspoken message that you want to walk down that lonely road with them means more than anything to them. It tells them that they are significant and important in the present.
    Your Connection. As you learn everything you can about their particular illness and listen intently as they describe the doctor visits, treatment experiences, and feelings, they will know that you really care. As the saying goes, they don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
    If you are unable to be there physically, your notes, emails, phone calls, or audio-taped “notes” are priceless. The messages can simply be “I am glad our path has crossed. My life is richer because I have known you.”
    Your Compassion. There is nothing magical you can say. However, there are many sayings that diminish that compassionate sense in the eyes of those dying. “I know just how you feel,” “God has a purpose,” “At least you have had . . .” “You’re tough,” all cause the one who is ill to pull inside of their protective barrier causing a deep feeling of aloneness.
    Instead, be willing to touch them, hold their hand, give them hugs, and simply tell them about the impact they have made on your life. There is a great need for significance when death is threatening life.
    Your Help. With illness and treatments come weakness and depression. There may be many practical things that need to be done. Food preparation, laundry, transportation, cleaning, and making phone calls are a few of the things they may not have the time or energy to do.
    Facing death causes each of us to contemplate what is really valuable. Our priorities become richer and more real. Each person in our life changes us forever. The possibility of death reminds us of the significance of each other. Therein lies the focus of life.
    Top of page
Lost potential is a sad fact of life

     Incredible achievements in the arena of science discoveries, philosophy, education, music, arts, and technology give life meaning. But how did these great accomplishments develop? They all came through the potential of a human being just like each one of us.
    Every day, however, much of this precious resource is lost. Discoveries could be lost, music never written, books never written because of this loss. What are the greatest robbers of human potential? Simply put: Humans. Their treatment and neglect of children or self.
    The avenues for destroying natural potential and abilities are many. We will only consider the most common.
    Fighting with each other.  Arguments destroy something creative within each participant. When children witness a fight, the fear begins to permeate their future. Attempts to achieve may never be made.  Failure will be more likely.
    Degrading another. Cruelty and unkindness rob both involved. The degrader doesn’t really feel good about whom they are and many times the degraded buys the message of inability or worthlessness. As a result, ideas and thoughts become trapped in a web of lies and confusion.
    Making something more important than our family. Connections weaken when the members of a family are given the message that they are not valued, loved, or may not belong. It is through these connections that potential is nurtured and developed. When families divide, move apart, and weaken, huge amounts of potential go down the drain.
    Choosing substances which alter our behavior or ability to maximally function. The inability to think clearly and make wise choices is limiting more and more lives. The saddest part arises as their choice impacts the lives of those who love them. All connected loose potential.
    Depriving another human of the freedom of choice. Controlling people don’t realize that those who succumb to their control are giving up parts of themselves. Those parts are the source of creativity, ingenuity, joy, and love. Manipulation and force to get what we want actually leave us with much less of what we are striving for.
    Potential will be at it’s highest when a person is surrounded by considerate, loving, free from mood-altering substances, non-controlling, respectful people. Lost potential? Sorrow and defeat can be replaced by the amazing potential of a human being when we surround them with these basic positive traits.
    Top of page
Maintain a health sense of yourself  

    When we are overwhelmed or miserable from a life situation, we seem to think that “If only someone or something were different, we could be much better and happier.” Let’s think about that a minute.
    If I am miserable, it is not because someone is doing something undesirable. I will be miserable because of my interpretation of what their actions and words mean about me.
    Let’s suppose I am criticized by a loved family member. A typical interpretation may be that I must not be good enough, or I am just really undesirable or bad. It’s all about me.
    Self-differentiation is a term that means that we have learned to interpret others’ actions more accurately. Instead of accepting their evaluations, critical statements or actions, we look at the facts. We reach a point of growth that allows us to stand back and ask the question: “What is the truth about me?”
    When we become self-differentiated, we realize that we are still the same as we were before the criticism. Our value doesn’t change simply because someone says or does something hurtful. It doesn’t make us worthless or unlovable. They are simply behaving in an unacceptable way.
    Most of us do our best. It is hard to do better than that. When someone is rude, dissatisfied, or critical, our life doesn’t have to be ruined or devastated.
    To survive the attacks of another person, we must validate ourselves and reassure ourselves of the fact that we are doing what we think is will bring the desired results. Only then can we respond with confidence and kindness. That response affirms that we heard their message and we are sorry they are not satisfied. At the same time, we assure them that we are doing our best. Becoming self-differentiated allows us to maintain a healthy sense of self by acknowledging the truth that we are doing what we think is most beneficial for ourselves and those we love.
    We lose the sense that everything is our fault, or that we are losers, or never good enough. We gain the confidence to set clear limits on those who may be hurting us. Conflict, hurt, and chaos disappear. Instead, a calm, loving atmosphere surrounds us. Who wouldn’t choose those results?
Top of page
The world would be better if we all lived like we were dying
    As a nurse, I have had the honor of standing by the beds of many who were dying. Most impressive were the children at Emory’s Children’s Hospital. Something changes when we know we are dying. The world changes and our values shift.
    Tim McGraw’s country song, “Live like you were dying” describes  this shift. The world seems to come to a halt when our blood test, mammogram, CT-scan or cardiac cath tells us that we are staring death in the face. Something like birth, it consumes our conversations, research, and private thoughts.
    When we live like we’re dying, we begin to do things we didn’t seem to have the time for previously. We find time for those things we always wanted to do but didn’t.    We treat others nicely.  We become more understanding, forgiving, and considerate. As the song describes, “I was finally the husband that most the time I wasn’t and I became a friend a friend would like to have, and all the sudden going fishin’ wasn’t such an imposition.”
    Spiritual matters enter our thoughts. Each day becomes a blessing, each friend a treasure, each meal a gift. We love more deeply, speak more sweetly and begin to clean up the clutter of the past by forgiving.
    Inside each of us is the desire  to be loved and to love, to enjoy life, experience freedom, to achieve, and be known as a person of integrity.
    In order to live like we were dying, we may have to turn off the television, pull away from electronic distractions, walk outside with those we love, and begin to share some of our dreams.
    When I die, I would like to know that I have made a difference in people’s lives. I would like my husband to realize how I loved his loyalty and adoration and know that he was my best friend ever. I would like to know that my children and grandchildren really know how much I love and admire them. I would like my extended family and friends to know how much fun it was to analyze life and solve the problems of the world with them.
    It would be nice to have no regrets. That is probably impossible. But, it is possible to have as few regrets as possible. I simply want to die with the satisfaction that I have done my best and been as lovable and important to family and friends as possible. I don’t want to be forgotten. I want life to have had a purpose.
    Why don’t we live like we are dying way before we know we are?
Top of page
We can fool ourselves with anger
     Have you ever seen someone who gets angry and blows? Occasionally it feels and looks like your own private volcano erupting. We are going to look at the eruption in slow motion from all angles today.
    First, there are some questions to ask. What is the purpose of an eruption? What percentage of time does that eruption accomplish anything positive? Then, lastly, what are the typical results of a full-blown episode?
    First, the purpose is in the mind of the one who erupts. They usually describe a total lack of control. The eruption is their only possible reaction to the trigger. They blow to change the spectator’s mind or the tide of events. Basically, it is a result of not getting what they want. Sound a little like what kids do when they don’t get what they think they should have?
     The outflowing hot lava is not without results. Selves can be seared, scarred, and wounded in the heat of anger. Emotional and spiritual growth is stunted or destroyed when the anger is accompanied by life-threatening force.
    Most of the time, anger results in setting off other volcanoes in the area. The original intent of anger becomes unsuccessful or backfires into a much more drastic situation. Legal charges, jail, divorce, lost custody, and hospital visits can minimize the original problem. A more subtle but just as sad a result is the damage to those who reap fear and insult after the explosion.
    Children tell me every day about how they are afraid they may die or that they feel responsible for protecting one or both of their parents when they are fighting and showing off the firework display of parental volcanoes.
    Long-term results are seen in declining grades at school, anxious fidgeting, disorganization, lack of motivation, and having difficulty focusing on anything productive. None of these results are positive.
    My conclusion is that anger is mainly to entertain those watching. It gives those watching the feeling that they have a great deal of power because their action or word lit the fuse. Generally, power is the one thing the “blower” doesn’t want anyone else to sense. The “show” can often be exciting and amusing to the onlookers. Those with anger are fooling themselves more than anyone
  Top of page

Most would like to run the world
    When we scrutinize our misery, there is usually one factor that stands out: We wish we ran the world. We want others to think right, act right, and be right (like us). We want to determine all rules, policies, weather, world events, who dies, who lives, who has accidents, who is protected, who loves us, who stays away and how efficient lawnmowers and vehicles are. Basically, we would like to be in the role of God.
    We have the grand notion that we are all-wise. If everything were the way we designated, the world would be a better place. But, what is the reality? Would we really enjoy controlling our world?
    How much fun would it be living with other human beings that had no power to choose? No freedom? There would be no crises to help us grow, there would be no fear to prevent foolish choices, no one would ever grow in wisdom, insight, or love. We would never enjoy the satisfaction of solving problems. Relationships based on equality couldn’t exist. Concepts of love, trust, support, accountability, responsibility, resolution would be futile.
    None of us relishes the thought of being controlled, but most of us have this  secret desire to control. How can we give that up and still enjoy living?
    Give others freedom to their own opinion and choices. Our creation of boundaries with consequences may be necessary to protect the spirit within us.
    Value others’ ideas, personality, uniqueness. They may make choices that you don’t approve. But, they are THEIR choices.
    Build trust by keeping confident any information that belongs to another person.  Their feelings, opinions, behaviors, thoughts don’t need to be shared with others unless they choose to share them.
    Honestly sharing your opinion, preference, needs, and desires gives others the freedom to do what you need or want. If they choose not to do what you need, again, that’s THEIR choice. But, if they do, you have that wonderful feeling of being loved for who you are!
    Invite others to share your responsibilities, feelings, burdens, cares, joys, miracles, victories, or ideas and opinions. Each of us is so unique that as we share, our vision of the world enlarges. We get a glimpse into the mind of another wonderful, creative, human being.    
    If we all lived with an attitude of freedom toward others, conflicts and problems would vanish. Disappointment would disappear. Frustration wouldn’t exist. It is all up to us.
Top of page
“A life well-lived is the best revenge” 
    This closing line of a movie is packed with wisdom. Revenge usually demeans both parties after the initial hurt has been executed. When rejection reigns, many resort to devious methods of getting even and trying to balance the scales of justice.
    At the worst, lives can be lost. At the least, brief discomfort is created. Any reaction declares that the offender has power or control over the revenger. If there was apathy, we could walk away and have no need to attempt to manipulate the situation and get what we think we deserve.
    Revengers think they deserve respect, love, consideration, or appreciation. If they get the opposite, they believe their hurtful acts of revenge will get them what they don’t have. The trouble is that it only drives the wedge deeper and separates them farther from the one they claim to care about.
    Revenge can take on many different disguises.
    Becoming incapacitated intends to place guilt and responsibility on the offender.
    Becoming suicidal attempts to threaten the offender with a lifetime of grief coupled with the guilt of murder.
    Becoming mean tries to inflict fear and discouragement to hinder the offender.
    Becoming distant has the purpose of turning the offender into the pursuer rather than the pursued. It pretends to say “You aren’t important to me and I don’t care anything about you.”
    Becoming annoying by placing numerous phone calls or sending notes or letters invades the life and peace of the one who has offended.
    A life well-lived is simply accepting the truths that we can only make changes in ourselves and any person who feels pressured or restricted will resist that attempt to control them. Knowing that, we will go on doing our best to get our needs met through the connections we have left.  If those connections have dwindled, then it becomes our responsibility to take steps to create new relationships which are healthy and nurturing.
    Using our vital energy for positive purposes just makes more sense than trying to take over God’s role of justice.
Top of page
Sadly, there are no vaccines for emotional infections
      When dealing with major anger problems, most victims claim to have no control at the time of their episodes. “It’s like another person invades my body and takes over.” The outbursts become events of regret and sadness for the hurt spewed all over the ones loved most.
    Where does this strain of infection come from? Rarely is the anger proportional to the offense. This mysterious “virus”  invaded many years earlier.
    Go back in time, if you will, and see the little three-year-old child that each angry person used to be. The infection began when they had no place to escape what seemed like major danger and fear. As helpless children, they had no control when their out-of-control parents were fighting, yelling, crying, threatening, throwing, hitting, slamming doors, and leaving. Who was protecting them?
    They may have huddled in a corner or  closet with their siblings, waiting out the storm, hoping to live through each violent event. Every fearful experience increased the degree of the infection. It’s possible they felt responsible for the outbursts, or at least that they were supposed to make it go away and protect the underdog in the conflict.
    Each time the infection grew, convincing that innocent, precious child that they could never have any degree of control. Each time, they gave up just a little bit more. And each time, their anger was growing more and more mature with a very hard-core.
    Perhaps during their school-age years, their grades began to decline because they had difficulty concentrating in the classroom. Worried at what they may encounter each evening or weekend at home, their ability to focus and remember failed. Tests became  fearful events. Fear and worry moved in where peace and confidence should have been.
    As these unvaccinated children grow up, the infection ripens. With each event that triggers the same feelings of helplessness or having no control, their body responds to the same fear they felt as that little three-year-old. They react with the intention of saving their threatened life.  A new generation of children begins to be infected as they demonstrate their anger around their own family. The tragedy is that a vaccination hasn’t been developed to immunize the innocent and helpless.
    If you are a witness to this serious infection, know that the anger is not because of you, but because of what the exhibitor experienced in their past that FELT the same. There is help for them through therapy as they realize that they are now adults who can prevent the absurdity of anger. Reacting to their anger with more anger only heightens the damaging flames.
    Let’s start a campaign against anger, or better yet–let’s protect our children against this virulent threat by learning how to express anger in a healthy manner. A whole new generation could experience life free from helpless fear and worthlessness. There’s nothing wrong with anger–it’s all in how it is expressed.
Top of page

Saturday a special night locally
    Saturday night was really special! The Big Wills Arts Council, Dekalb Theatre, and Chattanooga Theatre Centre joined together for a wonderful fun family night. I feel badly for anyone who missed the production last weekend.
    Patsy Cline’s life, described through the eyes of her obsessive best friend, was interspersed with the great talent of a fantastic Cline sing-alike. The tragedy of a life cut short in her thirtieth year was dramatically staged, live band and all!
    Her songs attempted to describe accepted truths about life and love. “I fall to pieces” depicts the serious involvement understood by females with that first kiss of physical intimacy. Breaking up becomes ten times more difficult after the body-commitment. “How can I be just your friend? You want me to act like we've never kissed? You want me to forget? Pretend we've never met?” It’s impossible. Herein lies the argument for postponing physical intimacy. Instead of breaking, hearts could suffer the much less tragic emotion of disappointment if the physical connection took place after securing the sincerity of the pledge of a lifetime.
    Is it really “crazy” to feel lonely and blue? Knowing someone will love us and leave us, why would we go ahead and join the relationship? How is it best for us to worry and wonder and fall in love with the wrong person? What is crazy anyway? Having feelings and letting people get too close that we know can’t be loyal and faithful? Trusting and being betrayed? That sounds like pretty close to a normal “heart-controlled” vs “head-controlled” life.
    How can “you belong to me” while traversing the world, visiting the market place in Old Algiers, pyramids along the Nile, watching the sunrise on a tropic isle, flying the ocean in a silver plane, seeing the jungle when it’s wet with rain? If we belong with each other, why are we on different sides of the earth? And do any of us have the right to possess another human being without being guilty of slavery?
    “True love” is so much more than you giving to me with me giving back to you. We may have to take care of in-law parents, nurse a spouse through a terminal illness, experience bankruptcy together, or nurture each other through a major loss, sacrifice outings to accommodate a handicapped child, or tolerate great inconveniences and disappointments. Tangible reciprocation may not always be possible, when love is true.
    So, while “Your cheatin’ heart”  causes someone to get the “lovesick blues,” we can “see the world through the eyes of a child” to avoid “falling to pieces” and going “crazy” “anytime”.
    Community productions are the best!
Top of page