PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP
ARTICLES
Return to Tom and Arlene's Home Page
Our past determines our
future
The dating game is fascinating! Why are we attracted to each
other? What is it that makes us comfortable with one person and
repelled
by another?
Research shows that we choose mates with whom we can continue
the struggles from our families of origin. The partners we choose
usually
have the negative characteristics of one or both of our parents. The
complaints
of our teen years become the nagging in our relationships of marriage.
Because we have never resolved the conflicts with our parents,
we place these same struggles on our mates, our friends, our
churches
or our work place.
If we needed approval or attention from our parents, and
never received it, we continue to feel dissatisfied because we can’t
seem
to get it from anyone else in the world.
Not until we can see ourselves as peers to the rest of the world,
rather than children waiting for what we never had from our parents,
can
we have freedom in our relationships. This is the origin of control,
manipulation,
and dissatisfaction in relationships. We are trying to force those
around
us to give us what our parents never could.
Relationships become locked in unhealthy patterns which prevent
growth, unity, and harmony. Instead two people become like yoked oxen
pulling
in opposite directions. Purpose and goals remain different and
conflictual.
Healthy relationships involve a giving to one another out of
a freedom to choose rather than simply reacting emotionally. Giving can
only take place if there is something inside to give. When old issues
continue
to drain our souls, we become empty and have little to give.
Plugging the holes that drain our soul involves going back to
the origin of our conflicts. It means telling our parents what we
needed
from them. It means telling them how we felt when those needs went
unmet.
But, it also means telling them that we realize they did the best they
could, based on their wounds and damage from their past. We can let
them
know what we appreciated about them. We can ask them to tell us what
they
admired about us.
When we go back to the source of the holes in our soul, then
we can patch up the drains to our physical and emotional energy. Then
can
we interact in the best interest of ourselves and others. Then can we
be
attracted to those who will help us grow rather than those who will
wound
us. Unity feels much better than conflict.
Top of page
We can write our
own
fairy tale
As children, most of us dream of a fairy tale future. We
imagine
being adored by and having deep love for our one devoted marriage
partner.
We picture our children as well-behaved, respectful, and highly
intelligent
bringing honor to the family name. Our work will be something that
really
makes a difference in the world. We will invent an electric can-opener
that really works! Or we hope to save many lives because of our
exquisite
skills. We could bring peace to a tense world and comfort to the
hurting
and hungry.
But, what happens to the dreams we had as children? Where do
they get twisted and deranged? Are there villains that change the
ending
to our fairy tales? Were our dreams unreachable, or simply not
encouraged?
In the eyes of every child, visions of wondrousness and
enthusiasm
are apparent. But, as reality wounds and kills the dreams, the deaths
of
our fairy tales become replaced with disappointment, discouragement,
and
a sense of failure.
We can nurture the excitement of a fairy tale by entering the
life of a child. By simplifying life, we could have more time to spend
with our children. The caption to a picture I have tells this truth:
“One
hundred years from now, it will not matter what kind of house I lived
in,
how much money I had or what kind of clothes I wear, but the world may
be a better place because I was important in the life of a child.”
What demands your time? Books? Television? Computers? Electronic
games? Hobbies? The work of life’s demands? Your own compulsions?
Usually
our children tell us what is taking time away from them–for awhile. As
they give up hope of winning our attention from the quest of something
besides nurturing their dreams, they give up. By adolescence, our
children
often isolate themselves from those they need the most and adhere to
those
they really need the least.
The formula for success of making dreams come true is fairly
simple. Really love a child by giving your time. Share their zeal for
the
little things in life. Explore the possibilities as you discover new
aspects
of nature around you. Notice together the absurdities of human
behavior.
Validate the original ideas and thoughts of a child, letting them know
their ideas are creative and that their originality is amazing. Put
into
words the emotions you see on their face before they decide to hide
their
feelings from you. Play “house” and “work” with them. Help them learn
as
you allow them to experience the natural consequences of life.
Children are amazing. We can learn so much from them. And while
we are having such a great time, we can also help their fairy tales
come
true.
Top of page
Dealing with
disappointment
Most disappointment is a result of other people! It happens when
they choose to say or do something we wish they hadn’t said or done.
Our
heart sinks, our dreams are dashed, our crests are fallen, our
shoulders
slump.
When we allow others to determine our moods and feelings, we
sense a powerlessness over our world. We begin to believe the lie
that things are hopeless and we have no control.
What are our options in the aftermath of disappointment? Our
child may be made fun of at school. Their grades aren’t ideal. Our teen
tells us they are responsible for a new life. The police call and say
they
have our teen at the station. Our spouse may announce they don’t want
to
be married anymore. Our adult children reveal their heavy debt and want
to be bailed out. The doctor shares the negative results of a test for
cancer. The car gets wrecked. The fourth telemarketer of the night
calls.
Disappointment happens every day.
If others have the freedom to do what disappoints us, don’t we
also have the freedom to react in a way that preserves respect for all
of us. Does it reduce disappointment to react in anger? Revenge?
Withdrawal?
Not really.
How could that disappointment be reduced? It’s all in our
response
to those who disappoint us. We can choose to try to disappoint them as
much as they have disappointed us. OR we can respond with
boundary-filled
kindness.
Boundary-filled kindness says–“You are responsible for your
choices,
and I am responsible for mine. I choose not to do anything which might
encourage you to repeat what you did that disappointed me. I realize
you
may be somewhat disappointed when I do what I choose to do, but I am
NOT
responsible for your response. I do care about you but I can only do
what
I feel is in the best interest of you and myself.”
Another way to deal with a disappointment is to change the
negative
view to a positive view. For example, if I don’t get a job I really
want,
instead of complaining that “I can’t get what is important to me,” I
could,
like Pollyanna, envision “A better opportunity must be out there for
me!”
See how much brighter the situation feels?
We get to choose the view from where we stand. We are the only
ones who can turn our disappointments into exciting new adventures.
Top of page
Great Brain
Robberies
I grew up only a few miles from the finish of “The Great
Train
Robbery.” Civil War Union POWs released from Huntsville, made a
desperate
effort to steal a train and break up vital communications between the
leaders
and the troops of the Confederate army by cutting telegraph lines and
destroying
railroad tracks between Marrietta and Ringgold, Georgia.
The damage they did was similar to the damage done in the brains
of humans which disrupts vital messages between our brains and
our
social functioning. Satisfaction in life depends upon the smooth
operation
of our brains. How can we protect those we love from suffering certain
damage and destruction, you ask?
* Use kind tones of voice. Fear causes chemicals to be released that
interfere with our brain’s ability to focus and concentrate in school
or
at work. Even hearing others yell and berate each other at home, can
result
in brain chemical patterns that may develop into panic attacks when the
original fear is triggered years later by a similar event.
*Touch in loving ways. Every time we have a loving touch, a brain
chemical needed for positive thoughts and actions is released. Abusive
touches drain the brain of available serotonin causing a feeling
similar
to a heavy surrounding fog or cloud. Despair and hopelessness prevail.
Sleep becomes difficult. Wonderful human beings begin to believe they
are
failures. Worse, death appeals over life.
* Spend fun time with each other. Connecting with others making happy
memories preserves brain integrity. Creativity, memory, and
productivity
are higher when our memory bank has predominantly happy events to
recall
during unavoidable down times.
* Maintain loving boundaries on each other. Without boundaries,
insecurity
begins a cycle of anxiety and negative feelings of unimportance. When
we
do for others that which they can do for themselves, they assume they
are
inadequate and incapable of taking care of themselves. Also, allowing
others
to offend us without placing limits on their hurt increases negative
thoughts
about ourselves.
*Sleep about eight hours in a day. Brains require some regeneration
time since they use more oxygen than any other part of our body. Recent
research shows that adequate (not too much nor too little) sleep even
protects
our heart. Without a heart, a brain becomes moot.
*Take in healthy brain-food. Needed brain chemicals are derived from
the food we put in our mouths. Scientists are discovering a protein
named
Leptin which may help in the impulse control of eating. Could it
be possible that our self-control, which is brain-controlled, can be
improved
when our diet is well-balanced? In one study, simply eating breakfast
was
shown to improve memory, grades, school attendance and punctuality in
children,
all functions of the brain.
*Stay clear of illegal drugs. Brain cells are lost with each use of
marijuana, crystal meth, alcohol, ecstasy, etc. We need all we can get
when it comes to brain cells. Who we are and how we feel (and
consequently
behave), and the choices we make, depend entirely upon the
efficient
functioning of our brain.
Avoiding great brain robberies can help us avoid the demise of
many of the Andrew’s Raiders–death, if not physical, of the integrity
of
our being.
Top of page
Turning
Trials into Treasures
Life has a purpose. We aren’t here just to work, sleep, and eat.
If we were, it would be difficult to respond to an alarm clock and
begin
a new day 365 times a year.
So, what is it? Growth, change, improvement, satisfaction,
challenge,
and all of these take place within the common and most important
category:
relationships. Of course, most of our discouragements, disappointments,
challenges, and despair arise out of relationships. That’s the irony
and
the paradox. That which brings our greatest sadness, holds our greatest
joy.
When bad and sad arrive, life is not over, it is just beginning.
The beginning of gaining wisdom, the beginning of growing stronger, the
beginning of change, and often, the forming of new relationships. With
our new-found knowledge of grief, sadness, disappointment, the whole
world
seems to operate in a different mode. We notice things we never saw
before.
We have new goals, new understandings, and new purposes. We are
different
beings.
Our experience gained may enrich another relationship in the
future. Goals may take a 90 degree turn. Unthought of treasures may be
uncovered!
Failure becomes the stepping stone to success, nothing to fear,
everything to anticipate! If we spend some boring days at work, we more
appreciate the freedom and relaxation of days off. When a raise doesn’t
come through, we are more elated when it does. Dropping out of school
revives
the zeal to do whatever it takes to earn enough to make it in life.
When
a relationship fails, we have a much greater capacity to value rare
qualities
important to us. More care in forming new relationships will give us a
greater sense of control and purpose.
Sometimes the trials we face feel like hopelessly being in a
pit of writhing snakes with no lifeline. At these times, those friends
and family loved during the better times of life reach down into that
pit
and share what they learned when they fell in that same pit. So, at
least,
pit entrapped, our purpose becomes to satisfy the needs of those
helping
us. They are finding their own purposes in life. We are helping
by
needing them. Receiving can be a growth experience in itself. If
everyone
were givers, there would be no one to accept. If there were none to
accept,
life really would be purposeless.
Your challenge for today is to find a quiet corner and consider
how you have moved toward some of your great purposes in life. Find
your
purpose–you are needed desperately.
Top of page
Anger
addictions kill intimacy
Anger is a legitimate emotion. It’s our response to anger that
complicates life. A sense of rejection is often the fuse that lights
the
firecracker of an angry response. Another common spark for lighting the
fuse is not getting something we want.
Because a show of anger has worked in the past, we display this
firework show again and again. It works! In a sense, we become addicted
to a pattern that serves us well.
Let's look at the developmental level in which we are operating
when anger erupts. Do the "terrible twos" come to mind? This is a
period
when children definitely want to be in control of their little world.
But, acting like a two-year-old isn't really very becoming in
the adult worlds of business and marriage. Jobs are lost, people die,
and
marriages are murdered all because of a brief demonstration of an
addiction
to anger.
Parenting is the ideal mechanism for teaching positive techniques
for handling anger. But, when parents let children down, those kids
grow
up and disappoint themselves and others over and over.
What can we do if we resort to angry responses that wound those
from whom we yearn for appreciation? The longer the patterns have been
in place, the more difficult the chore.
First, we can commit to choosing to tell others what we are
concerned
about by saying, "I feel . . . ," rather than "You are . .
. !" Taking time to exchange calm, kind words allows you to gather all
the information needed to make a clear decision about how best to
handle
the situation. It also improves your success and ability to negotiate
and
come to an understanding about the needs you feel need to be met.
It's OK to get your needs met. We wouldn't have needs if they
didn't deserve to get met. This is assuming our needs aren't really
"wants"
or habits that can damage the main relationships we treasure.
Next, begin looking back to your original wounds that gave the
idea that you can't often have what you need. It may have been that you
never felt very appreciated, loved, important or accepted. Those are
"issues"
that, when dissolved, through counseling or serious self-examination,
no
longer trigger anger eruptions.
Finally, develop your own technique of responding when the fury
of anger comes into your being. You might memorize a line that sounds
like
this: "I'm feeling angry right now, but don't worry. I'm not going to
hurt
you. I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?"
If you need some time to figure out the real cause of your anger
and how you can best respond to the insult, you may want to ask for a
specific
amount of time to meet back. Give yourself time to analyze the options
and plan a constructive response.
Addictions come in all kinds of packages. All of them are deadly
to the one thing we all desire--intimacy. Improve your world. Don't
eliminate
anger, just eliminate destructive anger responses.
Top of page
Healing is very
possible
after unfaithfulness
Most women (80%) and men (65%) have never experienced the
earthquake-crumbling
destruction brought into a relationship by unfaithfulness to the
marriage
vows. For those who do, the event is similar in nature to murder.
There is no easy way to go through the betrayal and devastation.
The first reaction to the insult is complete disorientation. The world
can never be the same again. Fear, self-doubt, and confusion take
the controls of the offended partner. Damage and destruction begin to
have
a ripple effect as reactions to the insults and hurts reach a large
circle
of family, friends and acquaintances.
How can this broken vow be repaired? The greatest key to getting
past an affair is talking about it at length, over time, according to
more
than 1,000 spouses whose partners have been unfaithful. Accomplishing
this,
86% can survive and heal affairs of the heart.
There is no point talking until the involvement with the other
person, internet, media, or acting out activity, has ended. It would be
like going to AA while still drinking a 6-pack every day. All talk and
no show.
If the process of talking about disturbing thoughts, emotions,
and questions can continue over a period of about two years, a couple
rarely
goes back to the state of drifting aimlessly through the marriage. The
union can be stronger, more satisfying, and very rich.
The betrayed partner may ask for details repeatedly.
Uncomfortable
as that may be, the betrayer must be willing to offer the truth.
Sharing
each other’s discomfort is part of the process. Reacting defensively
stretches
the rubber band of healing, increasing the chances of it snapping back
and stinging or destroying the marriage. There is always a price to pay
for unfaithfulness.
During the readjustment period, commitment and reassurance are
vital qualities required on the parts of both involved. Admitting
needs,
fears, discomforts, as well as celebrating progress, growth, and
victories
make up the net that forms a protection around the new relationship.
Looking
at situations and relating as though it is possible to see through the
eyes of the other person helps us in understanding the wounds that have
brought about the existing situation.
It is true that those who are forgiven the most love the most
when these broken vows are truly mended. A deeper appreciation for
honesty,
openness, trust, loyalty and devotion have replaced pretending, simply
existing, and hoping that things get better.
You know, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to begin the honesty,
openness,
trust, loyalty and devotion BEFORE relationships fall prey to outsiders
or addictions. These qualities create a solid protective shield around
your connections. It takes time and effort. But the reward is that
quality
for which we all search –intimacy.
Top of page
Those
who give the love really make a difference
The arms that rock the baby are the ones that really make the
world go around. It’s not really love–but those who dispense love. The
sense of being loved begins even before the delivery. As the mother
takes
care of herself, gets enough sleep, limits her stress, eats as well as
she can, the calm consistency gives the fetus comfort and security,
components
of love..
During the early weeks and months, the ones who give the newborn
emotional nurturing are the ones who shape the future. The care and
nurturing
adults give, will resemble the nurturing received in the early years.
Since infants can’t choose their parents, what can they do if
they were short-changed? Is it possible to neutralize the effects of a
cold, unaffectionate mother? Is it possible to believe that we are
valued
and worth being loved work, others, alcohol, drugs, or church
seemed
more important to our parents than we were? If you’ve ever thought
“They
shouldn’t have even had me,” what can YOU do to eliminate this sense of
emptiness and disconnection with the world?
Chances are, you have a difficult time telling others what you
need and spend much of your life feeling disappointed because your
needs
go unmet. In order to cover up the disappointment, you may begin to
pretend
to be OK with what you aren’t getting in your friendships or marriage.
If you sense this kind of distance in your life, here are a few
things you can begin doing to make a difference for yourself:
? Acknowledge the lack of nurturing you had as a child. Recognize that
you deserved something better than you were given. Know that you
were simply an innocent, normal child. Those who let you down probably
did so because of their own emptiness and wounds. That doesn’t make it
right or excuse it, it only explains it so you can begin to forgive
them
for the hurt you are experiencing.
? Begin to identify what you need emotionally in your close
relationships.
Put it into words that can be interpreted into actions or behaviors.
? Avoid staying in relationships with those who duplicate the
deprivation
you had as a child. They only perpetuate the emptiness which brings
discouragement
and further disappointment.
? Ask for what you need from others. Share with them how important
they are to you.
? In the event that you are blaming or demanding toward others, accept
your responsibility to get your needs met. By forming relationships
that
contribute to your value and esteem are nurtured. We each have the
capacity
to be unique, special, valuable, and lovable. But it doesn’t always
come
naturally. We have some of the work–we may have to ask for what we
need!
Top of page
Trying to
please can be
harmful
The phrases
used most often by those trying to keep the rest of the world
comfortable and happy are “walking on eggshells” and “trapped.” Most of
their energy is exhausted trying to prevent anger or dissatisfaction in
others. Instead of truly being in control, they end up the one being
controlled by others behaviors and emotions.
The cycle begins with fear that others will
retaliate or reject them. Gaining approval from others seems to rank
higher than choosing what is best for ourselves. Confronting conflicts
ends up on the cold back burner while the smoldering of hurts,
resentments, and unmet needs eventually comes to a boil on the front
burner. Everyone has a boiling point. Things are said and done that can
really damage relationships when that point in time arrives.
Most that allow others to always have things their
way, think they are good, unselfish people. But consider this:
They are really allowing damage to occur that will eventually ruin
their chances to love the other person. Resentment and hurt kill good
relationships. Self-sacrificing and submission become the theme of a
life that just happens while vital needs are going unmet. Needs are
legitimate.
This tendency begins when, as a child, our parents
may have cut off emotionally when we disagreed with them. Or perhaps
they told us what to wear, when to move, or when to be quiet. On the
other hand, they may have simply not been around enough and we assumed
it was our fault. If we were more agreeable, perhaps they would stay at
home more. It could be that one of our parents gave up their personhood
and became the martyr or saint in your family.
Feeling
trapped and controlled can come to an end. It’s difficult, but possible
to change the patterns we have been developing all of our life.
• Examine the everyday
situations in which you give up your needs for others to have their
way. Start writing down your own opinions or preferences discovering
some of your own needs.
• Begin a list of what you do or
give to others on one side of the page, and what others do or
give to you. Consider time a valuable commodity.
• Try asking for a few simple
things that you need from others. Practice with those who love you the
most.
• Express your real feeling in an
appropriate manner as soon as you feel it. It’s OK for someone to feel
upset or angry if you don’t agree all the time.
• Remind yourself that you are
valuable in the relationship and it really does matter that your
opinion or attitude is considered.
• Experiment and delegate some of
what you have been doing to keep everyone happy to someone else.
• Keep a card on your mirror or
refrigerator that reads: “What I need is important. I deserve to be
treated with respect. I can calmly request respect. If I don’t get it,
my relationships will die. It will be MY choice.”
Top of page
You don't
really have to be perfect
Do you feel that you are never
good enough? This belief can give us the feeling of being weighed down
with lead in our hiking boots while climbing the mountain of life.
Trying to be superman or superwoman may bring some rewards, but they
won't be good enough after a time.
Stress and discouragement from trying to remain
perfect will detract from the accolades of perfection gained. Stress
only leaves us with headaches, irritable bowels, burning stomachs,
nervousness, and difficulty concentrating and focusing. Discouragement
only degrades the results of our attempts to remain perfect.
Having such high standards to meet creates a
pressure within. Competiveness combined with being hard on ourselves
eventually produces a condition in which something has to give. Our
physical and mental health will suffer as we try to control our life,
achieve great rewards, and reach the top.
Having experienced the sense of conditional love as
a child may have played a part in this pressured life. Criticism or
shame may have been construed to convince you that you couldn't be
loved when you failed to meet your parent's high expectations. Maybe
nothing was said. If one or both of your parents placed themselves
under high expectations and extreme standards, the message given was:
"In order to be loved, only the best is acceptable. Anything less is
considered failure."
Look at the disadvantages of pushing for perfection.
You're always tired and fatigued. As a result, you don't have time to
have much fun. Usually your marriage will suffer and if children are a
part of your life, they probably seem intimidated by you. You really
don't know what to do with them because they don't contribute to your
idea of perfection. Most of those who could have been friends have
evaporated from lack of cultivation. You don't even have time for
yourself, much less those who want to love you.
Additionally, your health may be suffering and that
elusive butterfly of happiness will seem to always escape your grasp.
For those who feel compelled toward perfection,
there are two choices. They are mutually exclusive, or impossible to
have at the same time. The choices are either perfect order,
achievement or status in the eyes of strangers, or a fulfilling quality
of life connected to rewarding emotional relationships with those
we love.
Top of page
There's more to anger than meets the eye
Anger explosions.
Many call it anger. But, the mountain that explodes has many rocks of
emotions that don't look at all like anger. If we can look beneath the
explosion, these are a few components of the madness that erupts
bringing damage and destruction to those around.
Distrust? Others may have let us down over and over.
Perhaps commitments have been disregarded. Lies have been told.
Betrayal robs the ability to trust not only the immediate relationship,
but all future relationships.
Hurt? Words that cut, looks that despise, and
actions that disrespect have all contributed to some major rocks in
that anger mountain.
Powerlessness? Feeling that no control over our life
is possible, some simply give up. But, this sense brews the heat
underneath the violent explosions.
Insignificant? No one seems to notice. Our feelings
don't matter to anyone. At least, that is what we believe. When
eruptions occur, this component this insignificance propels the
contents of destruction.
Unimportant, not valuable? The important people in
our life can't seem to approve or encourage us. Other things like jobs,
friends, sports, computers, and telephones are chosen above us. There
is only this one logical conclusion.
Lonely? Does it seem that no one wants to spend time
with you? Most who spend time only stay for a brief period. After being
left over and over, we eventually discover that we have been looking
for friends in all the wrong places with all the wrong characteristics
for us.
Doubt and hopelessness? These irregular rocks give
our mountain of anger an insecurity. The future looks bleak and without
the promise of confidence and certainty. Without a strong foundation,
life becomes unstable. Goals are difficult to form. Aimlessly wandering
through life, unpredictability reigns.
Fear? These pervasive small rocks that surround the
large boulders of the mountain of anger permeate all of life. Something
bad is always around the corner. Nothing will ever work out. We will
probably fail. The results of terror-filled moments of fighting,
arguing, accidental injuries, or threats of danger leave us an
ominous sense of constant danger. Our anger mountain constantly shakes
and rumbles.
You may have noticed that most anger is a result of
relationships. Solving the anger problem requires relating to those who
have helped us build our mountains.
Look inside if you suffer from anger. It's
impossible to manage something this unpredictable and huge. What works
a lot better is to take the mountain apart, with those who helped
construct it, and pulverize the rocks. Professional help may be
necessary, but only then is successful landscaping possible. A
beautiful, well-rounded, productive life can belong to you.
I took a
recent exhilarating shopping trip that gave the satisfaction of GREAT
savings. However, when contrasting those emotions with some of life’s
other gratifications, the shopping spree dimmed in value. Some of the
greatest moments in life are free!
Fond memories of bygone years which are triggered
when family and friends visit are extravagances we can enjoy without
worry of expenses. Mealtimes around the pine table etched with marks of
the past seem to echo former conversations to join the warmth of the
present. These valuable connections are the returns for years invested
in significant relationships.
Cozying up on the porch on a crisp fall afternoon
with a good book allows an escape into other worlds and dimensions. No
tiring trip time, no fuel expense. Just simple pleasure.
A basket of apples transformed into cinnamony
desserts overwhelm the senses with irresistible desire. Anticipation is
half of the pleasure–and it’s free!
Walking in the fallen leaves and witnessing the
brilliant colors of the season fill our hearts with disbelief every
year. The amazing beauty of a clear blue sky contrasted with the autumn
trees takes our breath more reliably than a ride at an expensive
amusement park.
The joy expressed on the delightful face of a
secure, loved child is the masterpiece that far surpasses the
exquisiteness of the most elite art gallery. While their unfettered
creative play outshines the most well-written production on Broadway.
The heart-warming joy that results from a random act
of kindness given or received is more stimulating than an evening at
the movies. Acts such as these will be remembered for a long time.
And, one of the most amazing bargains of the
universe is a clear night sky when seen in the darkness of the country.
The brilliance of the stars and the wonder of the changing moon are
free! Deep and intriguing thoughts have been stimulated and documented
throughout the ages when this particular entertainment was chosen.
Spending money is not a prerequisite for enjoying
life. The greatest memories are those we make when we leave our
checkbooks, wallets, and credit cards alone and simply enjoy each other
and the awesome gifts of nature–for FREE!
A spider’s web is intriguing to watch. The design is so intricate and
the patience of the spider waiting for its prey to become entrapped in
their lacy snare is longsuffering.
Human webs of deceit are woven without design or
thought for the consequences. They end up trapping us and making life
sticky.
How do our webs get woven? They begin when we fear
someone’s response to the truth. As a result, we withhold or reshape
the truth.
Perhaps we adopted our cousin’s baby at birth and
decided it might make the child feel like they didn’t belong. The web
has begun. The whole family guards the secret, whispering, walking on
eggshells, and insulating the child from a freely-given sense of love
and belonging. Lies told or truth shaded and withheld compound like
interest on an overdue credit card.
Eventually, the webs form barriers between us and
those we need. Our greatest need is to be able to give and receive love.
What do we hope to gain as we spin the first strand?
Comfort? Security? Approval?
In the beginning, our web may be simple, but as it
grows, it becomes as complicated as a calculus equation.
After an affair that results in pregnancy, if we
choose not to tell the spouse or child, what will happen if DNA or
blood type is needed in the future?
Even if it never comes to that, when only one other
person knows, the secret is likely to be revealed at some point in the
future. Genetics alone creates such differences that eventually the
questions “Why am I so different? Why don’t I look like my brothers or
sisters?” are raised.
What can we do when we decide to destroy our webs?
The decision to reveal long-term secrets
should not be taken lightly. The choice to maintain or reveal such a
web both have negative results.
The choice is made for that which brings the least
destruction.
Valuable relationships are at risk when webs are
first woven. Anticipating all of the possible consequences may
discourage the original action that begins a web. This kind of
information is much easier to digest if known from very young
childhood. To change our self-concept at a later date sends a shockwave
that has lifelong aftershocks.
Harmony of reason and logic provides effective
pest-control. We are all capable of thinking before we act, but, it
takes practice! Tear down the webs, or better yet, don’t let them get
started.