PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP
ARTICLES
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A
destroyer
of relationships
More powerful than alcohol and drugs. As
extremely
damaging as extramarital affairs, this silently destructive intruder
ruins
lives. What am I talking about? Pornography.
Pornography not only demeans people.
It also destroys their beings. Viewers as well as those viewed become
the
victims. Bodies and souls are vandalized.
Recent research claims that one in four
children
on the internet has unwanted exposure to pornography. The percentage of
time adults spent on pornographic web sites during December 2000
ranged from 21% - 33% with the highest to the lowest levels being
Canada,
Australia, US, Germany, France, Britain and Japan.
Almost all sexual addiction begins with
exposure
to some form of pornography or sexual stimulation of some type. When
combined
with some form of sexual molestation, the combination becomes even more
likely to produce the compulsion to participate in sexual behaviors
that
damage and destroy the relationships of those we love.
Pornography
results in loss of employment, loss of marriage, increased sexual
partners,
less use of contraception, a stronger desire to conceive, and higher
rates
of sexually transmitted infections. The devastation renders high levels
of hopelessness and despair.
If a person has an addiction with internet
pornography and then goes to work and has to use a computer, it is
almost
like asking an alcoholic to work in a liquor store, or a chocoholic to
work behind a Godiva chocolate counter. The torture of trying to avoid
something that has such a strong pull distracts and causes severe
discomfort.
Guilt and shame, when giving in overpowers the senses of the person
under
the control of this addiction.
What might you notice if someone you love
is using pornography on the internet? They may isolate themselves from
you and spend an excessive amount of time on the computer behind closed
doors. They may stay up into the morning hours “working” on the
computer
giving less and less time and attention to family needs. Credit card
charges
may reveal new companies. Irritability and complaints of physical aches
and pains along with fatigue will rule. Commitments will be missed or
arrived
at late. Most noticeable will be the ruined level of intimacy between
marriage
partners because enthusiasm, attention, and energy are gone.
If your spouse seems to have this problem,
let them know that you notice the symptoms and know they have a
problem.
Offer to go with them to get professional help. This compulsion is so
powerful
that personal efforts alone are rarely successful in combating this
particular
compulsion. Triple component assistance is needed: Medication for the
underlying
depression and impulse control problem; therapy for the woundedness;
and
accountability to an emotionally supportive family or group. Prevention
is far easier.
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It's OK to be who we are
Another wonderful song sung by Teddy Gentry at the benefit for our
Children’s Advocacy Center was about a common dilemma with which each
of
us can identify to some degree.
Although we may never express the words, we have all felt that
perhaps “We don’t fit,” we’re “square” or different. We think others
see
us as odd, yet we want to be something special to someone.
The truth that we all know about ourselves is that we are who
we are! At an awkward social event when I was younger, I shared with an
almost eighty-year-old grand southern lady the truth of my discomfort.
With her great wisdom, she placed her gloved hand on mine, and with a
sparkle
in her eye said, “I am who I am. Popeye.”
In that brief moment, the foolishness of thinking I needed to
try to be “less like me, and more like others” swept over me. It was OK
to be myself! A warm, peaceful, satisfaction flowed in and around me.
Peer pressure is that terrible force that convinces us of the
superiority of others and the inferiority of us. But, it is nothing but
a lie!
Some of the common results of the power of peer pressure is
deadly,
physically and emotionally. Consider the toll of alcohol, and nicotine
addictions on the health of our bodies, finances, and families.
Now, at almost epidemic levels, the illegal use of crystal
methamphetamine,
marijuana, and other hazardous substances strangle and complicate
relationships
in families. Many times the result is a complete cutoff from children
who
never asked to be left parentless, insecure, and feeling unloved.
Trying to imitate others, sticky, tangled, webs are woven as
sexual promiscuity swings emotions from ecstacy to despair. Jealousy
and
distrust enter what previously was dominated by devotion and trust.
Assumptions that we are worth more when we are wearing designer
clothes or driving specially ordered vehicles are empty beliefs. Value
comes from something much deeper.
We are who we are. Our respect and kindness toward others are
great sources of value. Acts of service to lighten another’s load
without
expectations of adoration makes a deposit in individual value accounts.
Listening to and spending time with a child adds to both. Connecting
with
others like us and affirming them for their uniqueness and
wonderfulness
gives the sense of increasing their value as well as our own. Giving
financially
when others are struggling seems to double the amount given.
Wonderful friends give the thumbs up to us when they drop by
with a cake, or some fresh homemade bread. They may send a plant,
email,
or card. Perhaps they write a poem, paint a picture, or send a Spy book
before your Spy cruise!
Family members help us know we’re not really squares trying to
fit into round openings when they drop by, call, or throw a party.
Especially
important is the approval and acceptance our close family members can
give.
Assurance that we are OK as we are requires connection with
others.
Connections require time. All of us have exactly the same amount of
time.
It’s what we choose to do with that time that makes the
difference.
We can either isolate and wish our faults away, or connect and get the
reassurance that we don’t have to become someone that we aren’t, in
order
to be loved and accepted.
Relationships are powerful.
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Don’t give up
yourself
for others
“You have a heart of gold!” “You are TOO nice to everyone!”
“Can you NEVER tell anyone ‘no’?” “You take care of everyone but
yourself.”
“Why not let her wipe her muddy feet off on you, too?”
If these comments have ever been said to you, you may be giving
up who you are so that those around you can have what they say they
want.
As you give up yourself, something else comes in to take up the empty
space.
What is that?
I believe a negative emotion is often what begins to permeate
the emptiness left behind. Negative emotions such as resentment, hurt,
rejection, hatred, disappointment and discouragement eventually destroy
us. The important concept here is that WE are the ones who make the
decision
to become someone else’s doormat or person with the “heart of
gold.”
A person’s motive behind being very cooperative and
non-complaining
is usually to keep the others around them happy and content. Sometimes
it is done to avoid confrontation, discomfort, or hurt.
An unspoken thought precedes the decision to give up our needs
for another. That thought may sound like: “It’s not worth getting them
upset,” “I don’t really deserve what I need,” “I’m just being selfish,”
or “I’m supposed to be submissive.”
Our underlying motives blossom out of self-beliefs that have
their origins in the first few years of our life. Experiences during
early
years confirm that we are valuable and worthwhile or worthless; we are
capable or incompetent; lovable or unlovable; free or trapped;
acceptable
or
at fault; we belong or we don’t fit in; we are safe, or we’re insecure.
As long as we believe the negative descriptions of ourselves,
we will make the choices that confirm those beliefs.
Committing to make new and different choices is almost impossible
to continue doing if the underlying beliefs remain negative. We must
realize
what is the truth about us. Almost always that truth is far different
from
what we have concluded from the unthoughtful actions in our informative
years.
So, how can we turn our golden heart into a normal, beating,
human heart? And how can we turn our doormat into a beautiful wall
hanging?
Try this:
Think of what you believe about yourself. Then, go back in time
to the origin of that belief. Alone and in silence, focus on the
negative belief, the event of the origin, and the feeling that results.
Within minutes, the truth about the REAL you will begin to take shape.
Your new belief will permanently change the way you interact with
others.
Your attitude toward life will lighten and become much more positive.
You have a choice today. Try this simple exercise, or ignore
it. By ignoring it, you are choosing to remain limited and unaware of
how
wonderful you really are. You have nothing to lose, and everything to
gain.
It’s not the events of today that are uncomfortable and hurtful.
The interpretations we place on these events are what cause our stress
and anxiety.
There actually is a wonderful world out there. It’s just
difficult
to access when we are full of negative beliefs.
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What
we give up to grow up
How do we know when we have really grown up? We have all
heard
someone say “I never want to grow up!” What is it that they are
unwilling
to give up? Do we discover one day that we all have to grow up?
Those we consider grown ups usually are the ones who have all
the responsibility for working, cooking, shouldering burdens, taking
care
of others, and financing everyday operations. Grown ups tell me their
time
goes really fast and that they seem to never have time for fun.
Important grown ups have to make important decisions.
Independence
saddles them with “to-do” lists, goals to set and achieve. Performance
evaluations seem to determine their concept of success or failure.
Is the ingredient they seem to be short on something called
freedom?
Are grown ups free to sit by a stream and hear the gurgle of the water
running over the rocks? Can they sit on a hood of a car and watch the
stars
at night? Do they have time to talk to ungrown ups about the imaginary
shapes formed by billowing clouds? Is playing hide and seek a game that
might ruin their shoes?
If so, I think I can understand those who claim they never want
to grow up. It sounds like they might have to give up the language of
children.
To give up a connection with the enthusiasm, creativity, and
delight of child-likeness would be as devastating to the human spirit
as
losing sight AND hearing.
True, we may have to give up some qualities that seem desirable
at the time. Here are several that may seem difficult to release.
It is natural to hang on as long as possible to our unrealistic
expectations. Giving up dreams seems to rob us of that high level of
energy
and hope.
As grownups, we may enjoy a degree of freedom about choosing
the people we want to share our life with. But, if we lose touch with
the
childlike traits of simplicity, wonder, energy and enthusiasm, we have
given up a vital part of ourselves and consequently have less to share
with those we choose.
We may pretend to grow up and give up our need for parental
approval,
affirmation, or loving attitude. As grownups, we do have the choice to
surround ourselves with other humans that can meet those needs. But, we
will always possess a need for our parents to notice and share in the
happiness
we experience in our small successes. As humans, we struggle before we
can ever give up that need.
We give up the strong authority and power our parents had over
our life. As healthy grownups, we realize the choices we are making to
“behave” or “succeed” or to “stay out of trouble” are choices we are
making
because we know they are best for us. Before, we acted in positive ways
because our parents insisted that we do these admirable things for
their
benefit. As we give this up, we gain friends and equals in our
relationships
with our parents.
Another benefit of growing up is that we can give up the immature
worry about what others think. We know that we are doing our best.
Other’s
opinions of us are not the motivations for our positive choices.
So, while we may have some qualities that we must give up in
order to grow up, we also gain a richness in wisdom, freedom,
relationship,
and depth in our development into an adult. As childlike grownups, we
can
enjoy healthy choices and maintain rewarding relationships with all
those
around us.
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Explanation
for the unexplainable
Are you puzzled about someone close to you who is lying,
stealing,
having angry outbursts or aggression, refusing to follow well-defined
rules?
Do they also seem depressed and withdrawn?
If there is no obvious explanation for this puzzling behavior,
it may be that you are witnessing the result of a deep emotional wound
that occurred in the first few years of their life. It has nothing to
do
with you.
Commonly, this cluster of symptoms results from an insecurity
born out of a distant or non-existent parent. The attachment
relationships
formed during the first two years of life determine all future
relationships.
Attachment develops securely when parents respond sensitively
to their children's cues and responses. As their needs for warmth,
comfort,
food, and safety are met during this critical period, their behavior
for
the future will predictably be comfortably harmonious with parents,
friends
and future marital partners.
It is estimated that almost one in three children are not given
this gift of security. Sometimes the situations are unavoidable, such
as
parental illness, or job demands that prevent daily interactions with
one
or both parents. If a child has a serious illness and spends much time
in the hospital, this insecurity may develop.
A ripping from the roots of family begins when children move
often between divorced parent's homes. Or, if they are placed in a
foster
care or relative's home when parents are unable to supply the needed
love,
security and sense of belonging their child deserves, more roots rip
from
the strong family tree.
When children cannot escape a home where yelling, violent
behavior
erupts, insecurity rules. Irresponsible behaviors resulting from the
use
of alcohol, drugs, or control through abuse impair the ability to
securely
attach to others.
Even when a parent deserts the child before the child ever knew
them, a sense of despair blossoms inside the child as they grow.
"Something
must be wrong with me," they begin to believe. "The person who should
have
loved me most didn't even care to get to know me."
Attachments problems in the young child demonstrate when a child
clings to a caretaker or seems more affectionate with strangers than
with
family.
As they grow, the signs become more serious. Defiance, lying,
anger outbursts and stealing regardless of the consequences in place
may
indicate an attachment problem.
The controlling, manipulative adult who seems to defy society's
rules is most likely a wounded human who never perceived love from the
one/s most needed--biological parents.
Healing those deep wounds can only happen by exposure to healing
relationships. The wounded one must allow significant others to
re-parent
them by accepting and affirming them, guiding them, teaching them,
while
at the same time, giving honest open feedback regarding the impact of
their
behavior on the relationship.
Especially important is for the attachment disordered to be
encouraged
and allowed to express their emotional responses to past and present
situations
that made their relationships miserable. Effective communication
including
eye contact, kind tone of voice, pleasant facial expressions and gentle
touch all play a major role to heal the gaping wounds.
We HAVE to feel loved in order to give love.
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Sometimes good can
be
a little bad
Most children are taught to be polite and to avoid hurting the feelings
of others. That’s good! We also convince growing children that “If they
can’t say something nice, they should say nothing!” That brings a
temporary
peace which is good. Further, complaining, whining, and sulks are
strongly
discouraged. That may be OK.
However, children grow up and continue to avoid telling others
what they do that is bothersome. They continue being silent in the
presence
of disapproval or discomfort. Since complaining, whining and sulks are
not acceptable, they simply never learned how to substitute healthy
expressions
of dislike.
Good becomes bad when the holding in of feelings and discomfort
prevents us from letting our close family and friends know what our
legitimate
needs are. Instead we pretend to accept their hurtful comments. Their
actions
may sting us but we hesitate to put the soothing ointment of honest on
the hurt. Because they aren’t aware of our deepest thoughts, they
continue
aggravating, annoying or even hurting us.
Left without resolution of the hurt, we turn to unsuccessful
methods of bringing soothing. We may work harder, stay gone longer,
spend
time with a hobby, gain weight, get sick, or get even, by making a
choice
we think may hurt the offender as badly as we are hurting.
Fear that we may be left alone, or doubt that we are really loved
contributes to much of our silent worry and grief. We wallow in our
self-made
misery. Sometimes we obsess about all of the negative thoughts. Being
productive
and effective in our jobs and family responsibilities becomes
impossible.
The solution is found in an honest, open, fearless response that
shares our thoughts, emotions, desires, or hurts with the ones who have
acted hurtfully toward us. Try finishing some of the following
sentences
with the main person in your life that you have hidden responses from
the
most:
“The time I enjoy being with you the most is when we . . .”
“My heart groans every time I hear . . .”
“One wish I have is that . . .”
“The action you do that hurts me most often is . . . ”
“The habit you have that annoys me the most is . . .”
“What I need more from you is . . . ”
“What I need less of from you is . . .”
“Something I fear is that . . .”
“One of my dreams for us is . . .”
“The thing that puzzles me most about you is . . .”
“I assume you . . .”
“I usually expect you to . . . when I . . .”
“I feel condemned when you . . .”
So, when you need something to talk about, avoid topics of little
interest and go to the source of your being, the core of whom you are.
Only then can we avoid the cognitive dissonance that results when we
feel
we have to hide the truth about the inner insecurities that make us
unique.
Somehow, what has been unsaid becomes less “bad” when it is
exposed
to the ones in our lives that are there to love, support, and
sometimes,
endure us. Only then can we truly experience true love– being accepted,
and even appreciated in the presence of our “imperfections.”
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Learning
from
our history
The purpose of this week’s column is not to inflict guilt but
to give insight to the younger generation. By learning from our
history,
our future can have a higher level of confidence, security, and hope.
A recent educational vacation my husband and I took with some
retired spies provided an inside look at high-profile spy cases. One of
the most recent spies who betrayed our country caused irreparable
damage
to our national security. Two men presenting this case had worked with
Bob. They were fooled by his quiet demeanor and high abilities.
As an FBI agent, he had sworn allegiance to our great country.
He promised to honor that oath and serve with pride, loyalty, and
integrity. What were the forces that made up the character of
this
promising young man?
On close examination, there was a much deeper explanation than
simply greed. Betrayal at that high of a level doesn’t just begin with
that major choice to give up beliefs. The presenters described the
early
history of this boy as his character was forming.
Hanssen was an only child of a middle class family. His divorced
grandparents lived with his family. His grandfather lived in his
basement while his grandmother lived upstairs. Could this have given
him
reason to feel confused? How can adults who loved each other enough to
make a family decide to divorce while they are still able to coexist
under
the same roof?
In his senior high-school annual Bob was not pictured once in
any extracurricular activities. Is it possible that isolation from
extracurricular
activities prevents the human connection that cultivates integrity and
the importance of following rules?
Hanssen idolized his police-officer father. However, later, Bob
went to work for the same force and assigned to investigate corrupt
cops.
Sadly, he discovered his own father was involved in illegal police
protection
of the horse-racing industry in Chicago.
When Bob became engaged to a beautiful Natalie Wood look alike,
his dad said to her: “Why do you want to marry a loser?” Bob had
been exposed to a lifetime of criticism. He had begun to believe the
lie
that he could never be good enough. One week after their storybook
wedding,
Bob chose to be unfaithful to his beautiful young wife.
The Hanssen family was minimally loyal to their religion.
Inconsistency
in attendance and little involvement in service to his community robbed
him of the feeling that he belonged to a larger body. As an only child,
he was denied the joy that comes when church members can nurture and be
proud of a child’s accomplishments and being.
Trying to live beyond his means, his billowing debt convinced
him that his only way to survive was through betrayal of his country
for
money. The real reason for his disloyalty wasn’t greed. The real reason
was that this child had never been exposed to love, acceptance, or a
sense
that he belonged anywhere in this world. He couldn’t feel that he
belonged
to his country because he had never felt that he had belonged to
anything
in his life. Not his mother–she never took up for him when his dad
criticized
and degraded him. Not his father–who failed to live up to the idolized
admiration of a son. Not his grandparents who avoided resolving their
conflicts.
Not his wife– who failed to outline clear boundaries on his control
over
her life. Not until he had sold out our country did a system put an end
to his destructive behavior.
This is not to excuse a man from doing what is inexcusable. It
is solely to help us learn from others’ errors. My greatest fear is
that
we don’t learn from our history.
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Traitor to self
How might we be as guilty as Robert Hanssen, the FBI who betrayed
our country for a few Rolex watches, ample cash and diamonds? Our
domain
may not be international in scope and, in comparison, our payoffs much
less impressive. But yet, OUR complete world is involved when we become
traitors to our self.
Hanssen admitted to “calumny” against his family. I had to look
it up to know what he meant. He was saying that he plotted to
misrepresent
and as a result had very much damaged the reputation and future of his
wife and six children, not to mention the organization that trained and
trusted him.
The same high risk is at stake when we misrepresent what we feel
and think to each other. For want of honest expression of
emotional
needs, marriages are lost. Children’s security depends on daily
exposure
to loving parents. This vital asset can be sacrificed if we pretend to
be happy when we are actually slowly dying inside.
The incident may be small. A failure to mute the television when
a spouse needs to talk to you may send the message that you aren’t of
high
value to that spouse. Believing that interpretation without checking it
out begins to decay the relationship.
When we feel made fun of or left out, if we don’t let others
know how we feel, the chance for an improvement in the situation is
reduced.
We will have been traitors to ourselves. We traded our needs for the
comfort
of keeping others satisfied.
Reasons for committing treason against ourselves are common.
“It’s not a big deal.” “I don’t want to cause trouble.” “I don’t
deserve
anything more than I am getting.” “One day, maybe they’ll change!”
The truths are: small offenses add up; truth doesn’t have to
cause trouble; we do deserve respect; and none of us change a great
deal
without a motivation to encourage or consequences to discourage the
problem
behaviors.
Life is made of small actions, talking during dinner, holding
hands on the sofa, driving in the country, helping with chores around
the
house, thoughtful surprises, sharing experiences, working on projects
together.
If the little things in life are made of predominantly negative
components,
damage and destruction of a relationship is predictable.
Telling each other how we feel in response to the small
experiences
in life, if done in a kind, respectful, thoughtful manner, serves to
connect
the hearts that are sharing this information. When we let our partner
know
that we feel unimportant when they are on the phone much of the time we
are together, their new awareness usually results in an effort to
reduce
the offense. Remember, marriage vows involve a commitment to love and
honor
each other.
Respect, as we share our feelings of discomfort, hurt, or joy
places deposits for the future. Becoming a traitor to ourselves as the
FBI spy discovered, causes great loss. Positive deposits can’t be
confiscated.
Our relationships benefit from small shared intimacies. The final years
of our life can be spent either imprisoned or sharing memories made
together.
We have only to let each other know the truth about our reactions and
feelings
in response to the little moments of life.
In the end, we can feel either shame and hurt for selling out
with our silence, or we can enjoy a rich relationship that has been
able
to grow through our honesty and respect for each other.
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Shadow of perfection
When an acquaintance asked why I thought
people didn’t seem to like her, I was brutally honest. “You come
across as thinking you are perfect just because you are a size two.”
Why do we feel reduced in the presence of someone who seems to
be perfect? What is perfection, anyway? Dictionaries suggest synonyms
such
as “complete," "without defect," and "flawless." In other words, you
just
can't improve on perfection. It's the best that there can be.
Living in the shadow of perfection can be intimidating. As human
beings, we seem to resist affirming the good in these wonderful people.
It’s hard to admit that they may have some qualities we don’t have. Is
it jealousy? Resentment? Fear that we will be overlooked in their
shadow?
If we could learn to live with them and maximize our time
together,
perhaps we could all benefit.
Someone who seems perfect really needs to be right. (Here is
the beginning of their imperfection!) They like routine, predictability
and consistency. They gain power with information and enjoy the feeling
of being in control.
Because of these characteristics, when we are overly assertive,
careless, arrogant, or deceptive, perfect people rebel. In order to be
appreciated by perfect people, we can ask them for their ideas and
opinions.
We don’t have to agree, but asking them says that we respect their
ability
to think. If we can’t agree, we don’t have to be critical of their way
of thinking. Degrading only leads to a defensive response from them. In
our battles, we can be willing to lose an insignificant battle in order
to remain on their team.
Asking the question to ourselves, “What is
the worst that might come from not participating in this dispute?” may
help us avoid useless battles with the perfect one.
Looking through their eyes is another technique that can enhance
the relationship. By considering their motive and intention, they will
be more willing to listen to what we want to say.
When we need to challenge their view, it can be done best by
saying, “I don’t quite get it. Can you help me understand how you see
it?”
Disturbing behaviors and disagreements won’t disappear unless we
confront
them. It’s how we confront that makes all the difference.
We have a choice to neutralize or inflame their resistance.
Offering compliments for their observation meets their need.
We are all in each other’s lives for that purpose, meeting each other’s
needs.
We each get the choice to make our world a little better. We
can either create or solve problems.
Consider your role in this world. If we were all perfect,
there would be no challenge or room for further improvement. There
would
be nothing to learn, no growth to obtain. We wouldn’t have much of a
reason
for getting out of bed every day.
As someone once said, "To travel hopefully is better than to
arrive." To be honest, no one is perfect. But, we’ll be close when we
don’t
have to be right all the time and treat others with consistent respect
and consideration! Life can be close enough to perfect for most of us.
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True
love
described by a lover
True love sometimes looks like a complete personality change.
When one human being communicates total love and acceptance to another,
the power transforms thoughts, actions, and behaviors!
When I recently encountered this wonderful phenomenon, I asked
this third decade woman to describe how it felt to have found real,
true
love. Here is her very descriptive and heart-exposing account:
“I’ve waited many years to really understand that wonderful
concept.
It is not simply a light-hearted feeling or getting the giggles every
time
I see him or he talks to me. It’s as if I have finally found someone
who
is able to make my life complete. All my life I have prayed for someone
who would make me feel this way and now that I have, my heart is
overwhelmed
with it all. Sometimes when I think of it, I get teary-eyed. I have
felt
so lonely in my lifetime and now it seems like it was all worth the
wait.
I don’ t want to even imagine my life with anyone else. The thought of
it makes my heart ache.
“We spend a lot of time together. We like to go a lot of places
like the movies or out to eat, but sometimes we just like to hang out
together.
We don’ t have to talk. We don’ t have to DO anything& just being
together
is enough. We also enjoy spending time with each other’ s parents. As a
matter of fact, that’s one of our favorite things to do. I love his
parents
and he seems to love mine, too. His mom is just about my best lady
friend
these days. We are buddies. He is a lot like my dad..
“Since we have started getting to know each other, I have learned
that there is a great part of me that wants to do everything I can to
please
him in every way. He has made me aware of myself. He has proven to me
that
I can do new things. He makes me want to do better & even change my
way of thinking about some things. He makes me want to laugh more and
enjoy
life more. He shows me things I have never noticed. He pays attention
to
everything and I learn all kinds of things from him.
“As for not seeing his faults, well, I do see them and I have
been hurt by them at times, but I choose to understand and try my best
to help him overcome them like he does for me. We have had some
disagreements,
but I cannot stand the thought of staying mad at him.
“When I wake up in the morning, he is the first thing I think
of. When I go to bed at night, he is my last thought before going to
sleep.
Sometimes I even start to laugh when he is nowhere around just thinking
of something funny he has said or done.
“There is a special knowing in my heart that I have found the
man of my dreams. I can’ t really describe it in words. I’ve always
been
told that a person just “knows” when they are in love. Well, I
know
it and a lot of my friends say they can see it on my face. They say I
am
“glowing.” My mom says I have a “ new lease” on life. All I truly know
is that maybe someday I will be able to look back on these days with a
lot of happy memories and still find myself swooning at the thought of
when I first fell in love.”
Can this level of feeling be maintained? Is it coupled with a
little infatuation? Wouldn’t life be more wonderful if we could
continue
this height of devotion and amazement? Who says we can’t?
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Modern-day
slavery--it's our choice
Slavery was demolished long
ago
by individuals who recognized that equality and slavery are incapable
of
compatibility. Yet, many choose slavery in this new millennium.
How,
you ask? When we “walk on eggshells” to prevent someone from
erupting
in anger, we are slaves to something outside of ourselves. When we
think
we HAVE to keep another person happy, as we remain miserably entrapped,
we have chosen slavery to another person’s feelings. Some people call
it
love.
Enslaving love ends up slaying the original
imagined love. Dreams of living happily ever after begin to fade as we
give up being who we are in order to prevent unpleasant reactions from
those around us. This kind of slavery is completely unjust and unfair.
No person has the right to control or dominate another.
Results of the choice to give up ourselves
for the comfort of those around us aren’t usually referred to as
slavery.
Perhaps you will recognize some of the following emotional outcomes.
DEPRESSION is one of the most common complex
of symptoms that doctors treat. Many tests may be run trying to rule
out
heart, gastrointestinal, and neurological problems. This brain
disorder
arises from the anger of feeling enslaved and powerless to change that
which we have no choice in changing--another person.
PANIC disorders develop when a person
unconsciously
concludes that they possess almost no control in their life.
Circumstances
and worries feel more powerful than the ability to choose safety, or to
honestly be who we really are.
ANXIETY or a vague sense that something
disastrous
is about to occur develops as a result of memories. Our mind remembers
bad things happening when we have not been able to keep others happy by
our attitudes, feelings or choices. Anticipation of conflict or hazards
maintains this heightened sense of awareness known as anxiety.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE behaviors evolve in an
attempt to regain control over life. At some point, our mind has a
memory
of almost complete loss of control over life. This reclaiming of
control
is a response to experiences of enslavement. The resulting anger has
turned
inward.
CODEPENDENT attitudes and feelings dominate
choices to give up educational goals, career paths, jobs, savings,
friends,
and belongings. The belief seems to be that someone else has the right
to get what they desire at the cost of our own rights.
VICTIMIZATION in adulthood frequently is a
consequence of feeling over responsible for another’s happiness.
The other person thought they had the right to hurt or abuse when their
wishes were not satisfied. It’s nothing but slavery when we HAVE TO
make
another person happy.
SOCIAL ISOLATION may be our choice after
giving
up or realizing we have been entrapped for life. Being alone, invasion
and control by others is made difficult. However, our choice to remain
isolated, is a decision made, not because we want what is best for us,
but because of others’ choices attempting to control us.
If we choose to give up being ourselves for
the comfort and imagined happiness of another, we hold the key that can
set us free. Without using that key, intimacy with others is difficult.
As we honestly and kindly share our attitudes and opinions, intimacy
deepens.
Both the past “slave-owner” and the “slave” can then understand
that
serving and truly loving is voluntarily and freely given.
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Metaphors can show
life's
truths
Some people see life as a battle. Every event
is is a struggle. If they don't win, they feel like losers. Others view
life as an adventure. Each new day brings opportunities to explore,
puzzles
to solve. Even if something goes badly today, the sun will come up
again
tomorrow.
How do these metaphors for
the way we
see the world develop? During childhood, we try to make sense of and
discover the predictabilities in our world. If we think of the brain as
a filing cabinet, then childhood is when we organize and label the
memories
of life events. The rest of our life, we often put all new material in
these old files. Our interpretations of each new experience is seen
through
the eyes of the child we once were.
A healthy childhood leads
to a good filing system. But, if life is not predictable and doesn’t
meet
our needs for love, security and belonging, then we will often see the
rest of our life as being unpredictable and unsatisfying. Here are some
typical metaphors of those who didn’t get what they deserved as a
child.
“Life, is a/an:
Battle - Everything is competition or
struggle.
In each crisis, we either win or lose.
Roller Coaster consisting of ups and downs, and we can only hold
on for life believing we are thrilled with the excitement. The ride
always
comes to an end.
Mountain Climb consisting of challenges and
fatigue. There is always another bigger challenge to occupy our future
goals.
Race to find the fastest way to get
what we think we need, "keeping up with the Joneses."
Courtroom in which we are responsible but
chronically disappointed as we try to make everything fair in life.
Prison, entrapped, without having choices,
or power in our life. We eventually give up the thought of freedom and
satisfaction in life.
Mission in which we believe we have the truth
and need to convince others that our point-of-view is right.
Having consistency in love, boundaries, and
consequences combined with responsibilities for chores, appreciation by
our parents, and hearing differences settled with respect leads to
healthy
metaphors which guide our life, such as a/an:
Garden of relationships cultivated like
flowers
or vegetables. We see things as growing, flowering, producing as we
invest
valuable time and energy, or naturally dying with neglect.
Adventure-filled life finding satisfaction
and interest in meeting new, intriguing people and exploring the
excitement
of living in the present moment.
Building starting with a solid foundation,
then carefully planning and adding on with goal-directed strategy.
If, as adults we aren’t happy with our
metaphor,
it is our responsibility to discover what it will take to convert our
conflict-laden
metaphor into one that can bring harmony and unity in our
relationships.
Therapy, medications, and changes may be needed. We are the masters of
our lives. If not, we are choosing to allow others to control our lives
and our satisfaction.
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Lying always leads
to
distrust
Ninety-five percent of college students say
they
would lie to get a job. Forty-one percent have already done so,
up
from 18% in 1979.
Misrepresenting the truth damages
relationships.
We all know that. So, why do we do something we know will harm the
relationships
we love?
When confronted, most adults who lie say they
do it for the good of the other person. They don’t want to hurt
feelings,
or be criticized or condemned for the truth. Sometimes we lie because
we
will get something we wouldn’t get if we told the truth.
In every instance, lying is a form of
manipulation
of another. Over time, distrust has diminished the fountains of a
loving
relationship. The fire has turned on the liar. The relationship is no
longer
between two equals, but between one who robs the other of the truth and
one who is robbed. There are natural consequences after a robbery.
A lie disguises reality. It is a form of
keeping
secret that which is true. Even polite lies designed to spare hurt
prevents
others from getting a clear view of how they are seen through the eyes
of those they love.
There are all kinds of reasons given for
telling
a lie. Fear of being caught, or disapproved, to protect someone, and to
have control over situations are among the common reasons adults give
for
deceit. The liar has an advantage over the receiver of the lie.
Think about it–if you don’t get caught, does
that mean you won’t feel guilty for doing the wrong thing? Probably
not.
The liar now has the additional problem of feeling bad not only for
that
which is being lied about but also the act of lying. Choosing to do the
right thing in a difficult situation is the number one reason for a
healthy
self-esteem.
To give the truth is to give respect. Truth
says “I care enough to give you the gift of reality so you can make
informed
judgments about our relationship. I can feel more secure when I
know
you care about me because I know that you know the truth about me!”
Deceit begins a process of subtle
breakdown
of trust between two people.
in the "reject" bin if discovered. And, she warned, more
Impulsive lying is a problem that needs to
be addressed through therapy and possibly medications which deal with
the
part of the brain that governs emotional responses. Ignoring chronic
lying
only results in more lives being destroyed because none of us stands
alone.
We greatly influence the lives of those we love.
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We are our
brain
Human behavior is fascinating! We do what we don’t
want
to do. We don’t do what we want to. As more is learned about the human
brain, behavior becomes even more interesting. How much choice do we
actually
have when events have disturbed us? How much control over our
thoughts
and actions is truly controllable?
Current discovery has found that who we are is shaped, in part,
by how efficiently our brains function. Having a healthy brain allows
us
to learn from our mistakes, and make choices that maintain healthy
relationships.
Anything that interferes with brain functioning, therefore, can
interfere with the control we have over our choices, actions, and
thoughts.
Damage to the brain can come from infection, trauma, poor nutrition, or
exposure to substances such as allergens, drugs and alcohol that reduce
the effectiveness of the brain activity.
Recent studies of the brains of criminals demonstrate serious
problems in the activity of the part of the brain right behind the
forehead,
the prefrontal cortex (PFC). This part of the brain allows us to
anticipate
the future so we can imagine how our actions will impact others. The
PFC
allows us to express our emotions and translates feelings, sent from
the
emotional part of our brain, into words and actions. Because of our
PFC,
we can know what consequences to expect when we yell at someone, lie,
or
steal. This part of the brain supervises our actions and is responsible
for conscience-driven decision-making and impulse control.
Typically, problems seen in the PFC are related to trouble
following
rules, fighting, and using anger and emotional turmoil to manage the
level
of stress felt from this brain dysfunction. People who hurt others, who
make choices regardless of how it may damage their primary
relationships,
or who seem isolated, disorganized, and thoughtless, may have a
deficiency
in this important part of their brain.
Imaging studies reveal a significantly diminished level of
activity
in the PFC of criminals. Interestingly, individuals who are known to
have
depression or ADHD also have a similar imaging pattern. After being
treated
with medications and therapy, the function of the brain can be restored
to healthy functioning, providing permanent damage from alcohol and
drugs
hasn’t occurred. The problems as well as the positive changes are
visible
in these images which show levels of oxygen used by the
brain.
So, if you keep sabotaging your relationships by continuing to
do that which you wish you didn’t do, or not doing what you intended to
do, you might want to check with your physician to see if you have a
condition
that is very correctable. Relationships are the core of our lives. If
our
relationships are sick, we don’t enjoy life like we could. Neither do
those
around us. Life is made to be enjoyed.
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True
control comes from giving freedom
Controlling individuals manage their
friendships
and marriages by manipulation and force. Strong messages are sent that
communicate disapproval unless things are done the way they want them
done.
Promises of anger, threats of physical or
emotional pain, or withdrawal of love or resources ice the cake of
these
sick relationships.
Those who allow self-stifling control aren’t
complying because of love, but because of fear. They feel trapped or
caged,
and find it difficult to see much hope for the future.
If the controllers of the world could realize
true control comes only when freedom of choice is available, joy could
replace fear.
Knowing someone is staying in a relationship
simply because they have to isn’t satisfying. Intimacy can’t be forced,
and intimacy is what most humans desire.
How different would life be if, instead of
trying to be in charge of and controlling others, controllers could
give
others the same freedom they possess?
Stress and frustration would evaporate.
Human nature is such that, when we feel forced, we resist. Also, when
we
feel restricted, we usually try to break free.
All the energy of trying to control and resist
that control could be redirected to enthusiasm, involvement and loving
our spouses, children, parents and friends.
In addition to physical intimidation,
withdrawal
and silence controls, angry looks and mean tones of voices attempt to
control.
Sarcastic comments, critical observations, derogatory statements and
threats
control in another way. Withholding financial support or
information
forces dependence in yet another way.
How different would our world be if
we simply expressed how we feel and declared our opinions in calm, kind
and loving tones? What if we could all have the privilege of
being
ourselves?
Any way you look at control, it’s not a pretty
picture–that of one person using force to rule over another
person.
Freedom is being robbed. Resentment clones and multiplies in
quantity.
Hurtful responses and reactions are born. The cycle is
completed.
The controlled person begins to formulate devious methods of
controlling
the controller.
Keeping secrets and telling lies become
the defenses for the controlled individual. Sneaking around and
gathering
support from willing listeners consumes valuable time and energy.
Control only begets control. Only when
a human is given the freedom of choice to give love and respect, can
love
and respectful behaviors really be reciprocated.
What a paradox–to have control, we must be
willing to give freedom.
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