PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP
ARTICLES
2001
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Love is the truth
Love songs often cause a misunderstanding
of love. For example, love doesn't mean we don't have to say we're sorry.
Love doesn't mean we will always feel "shook-up," satisfied, wanting to
be together all the time,
However, the words to one song that
describes love uses the theme of truth and honesty. The words ring
so true. "If you can't tell the truth, it's not love." Feeling we
have to be someone that we aren't is not love. The other person loves
whom they WANT us to be, not who we really ARE. Consequently, we may say
what they want, rather than what we really feel.
When we are offended, feel hurt, or
rejected, this information is needed by the people who love us. It
is information that belongs to our love relationship. When both of
us are aware of a problematic area, we both can make informed choices.
When we really love, we naturally want to limit any hurt or damage to our
relationship.
Knowledge withheld is information
that can help us make choices that can preserve, enrich and strengthen
that love bond. If we are protected from the truth of how we hurt each
other, we can't know what it would take to have a strong, powerful emotional
connection.
Life is made of small things. Seemingly
insignificant acts are meaningful. Having no opinion frustrates.
Silence after disagreeing may trigger fear in others. Being told
what to do rather than being asked brings resentment to some. Name-calling
and blaming degrade. Being ignored enrages and results in feelings
of rejection. Making excuses for avoiding intimacy confuses.
Purposely doing what irritates heightens
the level of irritation.
Frustration, fear, resentment, degradation,
rage, rejection, confusion, and irritation are all negative emotions.
Negative emotions damage relationships.
We humans tend to erect walls to protect
ourselves from future negative emotions. These walls are built one
brick at a time and become quite effective in blocking the truth.
With thick, well-constructed walls, truth doesn't go out, and it can't
penetrate inward. Truth in kindness is the only thing that can begin
to tear down that wall.
Truth in kindness does not mean accusing
and blaming the other person. It simply means sharing your reactions
that will, at times, consist of negative emotions. "I feel
frustrated . . . , afraid of losing you . . . , I resent . . . , I feel
degraded . . . , full of rage ..., rejected . . . , confused . . . , irritated
. . . when you have no opinion, are silent, don't consider my feelings,
ignore me, make excuses to avoid me, do what you know irritates me.
The socks left lying on the floor
are not the culprit of contention.
Irritants such as dental floss spots
on the mirror become signs of other more bothersome issues within the relationship.
Occasionally being late for dinner
will not matter. Resting in the recliner is really OK. Clutter left
around the house can be acceptable. Forgetting special days can be forgiven.
All these potential irritants fade into unimportance if only the truth
is shared in loving kindness throughout each day of the year. If
you can't tell the truth, it's not true love.
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Things I’d do differently
What
a great lineup! Grand Ole Opry last Saturday night featured Martina McBride,
Ricky Skaggs, Kenny Chesney, Lee Greenwood, Alan Jackson, Bill Anderson,
BJ Thomas and Vince Gill and many others!
Since a friend of mine had written several articles
about and done some research on the lyrics of country music, I was listening
especially for the words to the songs Saturday night. She had told
me that the lyrics to country music are an accurate reflection of our culture
in America and that women are never degraded. I had also heard that
you can learn everything you need to learn from country music or your teenagers.
The selection that became my favorite of the evening
was entitled “Things I’d do different” by Whispering Bill Anderson.
What would YOU do differently in your life?
The number one thing I would have done differently
is to have been more honest about how people hurt me. I tended to try to
prevent others from feeling bad or from knowing that they had the power
to damage me. So, I would hold in my response to their comments, actions,
opinions, or disregard that I sensed. This allowed them to continue, not
knowing what effect they had on me.
In discussing this idea of what could have been
different that would have made life richer, someone commented that
they would have waited till they were more mature to get married. Making
that most important decision is done better when our personality stabilizes.
That usually takes about 25 years. It is then we can make wiser choices
about the person we will spend the rest of our lives with and share the
valuable responsibility of parenting. Our future children deserve
the best!
How many children would say that if they could
do anything differently, they would have a set of parents that didn’t yell
and degrade each other, or them? Or that they had grown up knowing where
they would wake up each morning? And know that their water, electricity
and phone service would always be functioning? Or that they had parents
who never got drunk? The human devastation from one person’s drunken behavior
can be overwhelming.
Something else I would do differently would be
to spend more time talking with and playing with my children, relaxing
with my husband, visiting with extended family. We can all enjoy more family
time to fill our memory banks with pleasant thoughts to withdraw in the
future. Maybe I would have listened to more music, written music, explored
creative avenues. We are the ones that make it happen.
I also think I would have had to limit my commitments
to others in order to have time for the fun family activities. That means
I would have had to believe that setting limits was not a reason for guilt.
Guilt is never useful unless we chose to make a positive change. In this
setting, the change resulting from limit-setting would benefit not only
me, but those that I love. When I have emotional reserve, I have more to
give to those around me.
Your list may be different from mine. There are
many things I wouldn’t change. Routinely looking back at things we would
have changed, may give us a chance to make a difference for the future.
Ask people in your life what they would have done
differently in their life. Valuable wisdom is ours to be gained. All we
have to do is listen to others’ experiences. It might be able to save us
and the people we love some heartache if we listen and take heed.
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Go ahead and worry
Worry
distracts us from important issues in life. Worry drains us of vital energy
which often perpetuates our problems. Worry confuses us enough
to make any solutions to the problems evade us. Worry deprives us from
being accessible to those we love. Sometimes worry is even highly contagious.
So, go ahead and worry. It helps the people that
don’t worry look better. They will be solving the problems and getting
the promotions at work. They will accomplish more in life. They will be
more involved with the people that might need our love.
To tell the truth, when we give ourselves permission
to worry, the desire to worry becomes less appealing. Because we are humans,
when there isn’t resistance or a forbidding, we lose the desire to do the
forbidden act. Just like Eve in the garden, the one thing she wasn’t supposed
to go near, she was drawn to.
Other illustrations can be seen in the teenager
that you worry about. When told they can’t get a license to drive, that
becomes their one burning desire in life. A four-year-old warned not to
open the wrapped package can’t seem to think of anything but the package!
Worry can be a benefit if it lasts only five minutes
and results in a plan to solve any problem that has a solution. Worries
that simmer for days or hours and never produce a benefit, are useless.
In fact, much worry is concerned with facts of life or characteristics
and choices of others that we have no power over and cannot force to be
changed.
One of the best solutions for worry is to set some
consequences for the person causing all the worry. Let’s face it, worry
wouldn’t exist if important people in our life were doing things the way
we think they should do them. With consequences outlined and communicated,
we have something we can do. Worry can reach a conclusion.
Then, when the worry materializes, we can execute
the planned action. The teen that gets caught using drugs suffers the consequence
outlined by the law. You won’t interfere with the natural results. The
spouse that begins a violent, abusive argument will have legal charges
pressed. When the budget is disregarded, perhaps the checkbook will have
some major restrictions. If your marriage becomes lifeless, you will
seek professional help. If a child is becoming disrespectful, they
might lose some privileges.
Worry doesn’t really benefit us or the relationships
we are in, unless we take an action. It serves only to increase our heart
rate, put wrinkles on our foreheads, cause our stomachs to produce more
acid, making us feel hungry and gain weight. Worry gives us diarrhea,
muscle aches, headaches, and sleepless nights.
Ask yourself a few questions the next time you
feel a worry coming on: “Do I have any control over it?” “Will it really
matter 10 years from now?” “Is it morally wrong or physically dangerous?”
If you answer “no” to all three of these questions, kick up your feet and
know you don’t have any responsibility to force any changes.
So, worry away as long as you limit the worry time
and come up with a workable solution. You may find you have more
time to sit back, relax, and enjoy a few minutes of peace!
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Ecstasy, what drug dealers won’t
tell you
Money, power, and control. So many problems
in life result from the struggle for these factors. We may use illegal
drugs to gain control and feel powerful, but it is really the sellers who
gain our money, take our control and have power over us. There is much
they won’t tell you.
Drugs change our delicate chemical balance. Some
erode brain tissue, making it difficult to think and make solid decisions.
Some may make us feel jazzed and alert, only to eventually give us permanent
impairment to our nervous system and heart.
The use of “ecstasy,” the “hug drug” is one illegal
drug that is on the increase. “Ecstasy” (X-TC, or 3-4 methylenedioxymethamphetamine)
is also known as MDMA and has been associated with sudden heart failure.
Because this is a drug which contains amphetamine,
or speed, as well as a hallucinating chemical, the drug raises the heart
rate and blood pressure which uses extra oxygen. MDMA offers a wonderfully
warm, sensuous and loving peak experience for the first-time user.
Distrust, suspicion and jealousy evaporate. They are replaced by a serene
sense of universal love. But, this temporary high will only last
about 90 minutes. Disappointingly, after the first few times to use MDMA
these highs will never again reach the same intensity.
Commonly, “ecstasy” is found in nightclub settings
where young adults are looking for excitement and stimulation. Many who
use MDMA take it in binges, and combine it with extended, high-powered
dancing, which also puts a challenge on their heart because of the intense
exercise.
Ecstasy is “poisonous” to the brain chemicals which
contribute to our feeling positive and happy. In fact, 48 hours after
taking this drug, a depressive stage hovers like a dark cloud.
The people who sell ecstasy don’t tell you about
the confusion, hallucinations, depression, severe anxiety, blurred vision,
and
paranoia that follow a dose of this drug.
According to a new study at
Johns Hopkins, this common street drug "ecstasy" causes brain damage by
destroying the specific nerves in the brain that release serotonin and
dopamine. These nerve transmitters are needed by our brain
to have positive thoughts, think through the consequences of certain actions,
and remember.
This recent study found that with use of MDMA or
ecstasy, it can be predicted that the users will have depression, memory
difficulties, sleep disturbance, appetite irregularities, and a loss of
desire for sex. Users will be easily confused and develop a craving
for or addiction to the drug. Sometimes, even weeks after taking
MDMA they can experience severe anxiety and have thoughts that others are
talking about them or are out to “get” them.
Symptoms that are also reported are a muscle tension,
clenching of teeth without realizing it, nausea, and blurred vision. Years
later it is thought that the damage caused by use of this particular drug
may result in tremors that look much like Parkinson’s disease.
Control? Power? Perhaps, temporarily. But, in the
big picture, the loss of control over our moods, muscles, sleep, memory
and relationships doesn’t seem like it is worth the few minutes of use.
What do you think? It’s your choice.
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Marijuana, what drug dealers
won't tell you
Random drug screens benefit businesses
that need alert employees. Often the tests are positive for marijuana.
What the user may not realize is that this chemical may be apparent in
their urine from a few days to weeks after partaking of this drug.
One reason people use marijuana is to gain relaxation
or a high feeling. Often, they only get thirsty and hungry. The “munchies”
take over and extra calories are taken in. Some may get the opposite effect
from what they desired. Instead of relaxation, they may feel anxious, have
heart palpitations, and have paranoid thoughts that others are against
them. This is most likely when a more potent variety of marijuana is used.
The dealers won’t tell you the strength of your drug or the possibility
of contamination with other harmful substances.
They will not mention possible problems with memory
and learning either. School performance will suffer, grades decline. After
smoking this drug, perception (sights, sounds, time, touch) will be distorted.
Driving may not be safe for up to 24 hours after smoking marijuana. One
in three reckless drivers test positive for marijuana because reflexes
are slow and coordination is impaired. Sports is another area that will
result in poorer performance.
Decision-making seem to be distorted while under
the effects of marijuana. Therefore, poor choices that can effect the rest
of life easily occur while under the influence of this drug. Poor choices,
such as having unprotected sex can result in AIDS and other sexually transmitted
diseases. Consequently, users may create a new life to take responsibility
for--all because of an impairment in judgment. Do dealers ever mention
that?
More concerning is that recent studies are showing
that regular use of marijuana may play a role in certain cancers and lung
problems. Also, the ability of the body to fight off infection seems
to be damaged with use. Coughs and colds are more frequent and more severe.
Someone who smokes five joints per week may be taking in as many cancer-causing
chemicals as someone who smokes a full pack of cigarettes every day.
Marijuana has a powerful connection with other
illegal drugs. Few use other illegal drugs without first trying marijuana.
The risk of using cocaine is 104 times greater for those who have tried
marijuana than for those who have never tried it.
When someone is high on marijuana, he or she might
seem dizzy and have trouble walking. Or, they may be silly and giggly for
no reason at all. Their eyes can be very red and bloodshot, and they are
likely to have a hard time remembering things that just happened. After
a few hours, they can become very sleepy.
When people have smoked
large amounts of marijuana for years, the drug takes its toll on mental
functions. Memory, attention, and learning all become difficult. Learning
new tasks becomes a major chore.
New scans of the brain now show several parts of
the brain that disintegrate over time depending on the frequency and amount
of marijuana used. The areas that disintegrate are vital to thinking, decision-making
and judgement. The changes in the brain are like those caused by
cocaine, heroin, and alcohol.
IT’S YOUR BRAIN. Do you want to keep all THE INTELLIGENCE
you have? Would good JUDGEMENT be in your best interest? If you aren’t
a parent yet, do your future children deserve a parent that has lost part
of their mind? IT’S YOUR CHOICE!
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Wisdom of youth
Seniors at a local high-school shared some wisdom gained during their teen
years. They would like influence others who will walk behind them. Perhaps
their wisdom can help another reach new heights.
The questions they answered were: “What wisdom do you
wish your parents had shared with you?” “What would you have changed to
make high school more fulfilling?” And, “What wisdom can you give to help
benefit younger teens?” Here are some of their responses.
DO YOUR BEST. But, don’t expect perfection. Failure
is something we can learn from. Knowing you’ve done your best brings true
satisfaction and fulfillment. You are the only one that needs to be happy
with yourself. If you’re always at the top, you may have problems with
humility. Friends like humility.
EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT. But, you have the choice
of limiting the tough disappointments. You do that by choosing your friends
wisely, avoiding mind-altering substances, and refusing to participate
in multiplying damaging rumors.
MAKE WISE CHOICES. Good friends make it easier
to make good choices. We are sometimes judged by the company we keep. Your
most valuable asset is your reputation. In a matter of seconds, it can
be lost. It is rewarding to enjoy your friends and school without worrying
about losing your reputation!
AVOID PROCRASTINATION. It’s not worth it! Staying
up long hours at the last minute to write papers or to do homework can
be upsetting and disappointing. It somehow mars as well as replaces the
possible fun of high school.
BE YOURSELF. Get involved and stay true to yourself
and your beliefs. When we try to be what we think others want us to be,
they end up liking someone other than whom we really are!
ACHIEVE BALANCE. Get a job that doesn’t take ALL
of your time. Learn to save money for the future so you can move out on
your own one day. Don’t expect your parents to pay for all of the “fluff”
you think you need. Study enough to be successful so you can get a higher
level of education. Struggling to pay bills doesn’t seem like a lot of
fun.
EAT AT HOME! Save what you would have spent. Auto
insurance and cars are expensive! Start a fad of packing your lunch with
food better than the cafeteria.
HAVE RESPONSIBLE FUN. One moment of irresponsibility
can cost you years of debt and struggling to survive. Sometimes it can
cost your life.
STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR PARENTS. Ask their advice.
Inquire about some of the experiences they had when they were in high school
and how they handled their difficulties. They were teenagers once and they
do understand.
YOU GET TO CHOOSE! Wisdom passed on is only as
good as the receiver of wisdom makes it. Bottom line: get the most out
of the best years of your life.
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Death rather
than living torment
Suicide was the 8th leading cause of death in the United States. Among
young people 15 to 24, it is the 3rd leading cause of death. More than
30,000 lives no longer exist this year because of suicide. More men than
women die by suicide. In fact, the highest suicide rates are for white
men over 85.
It is estimated that up to 25 desperate individuals
attempt suicide for every completed suicide. In this group, women outnumber
men. Suicide rarely occurs outside of depression. Anxiety, recent illness
or divorce, loss, drugs and alcohol seem to play a major role in their
perceived lack of meaning to life.
If the person has attempted suicide before or if
a plan is in place, they are at a higher risk for suicide. Cuts, burns,
or hurtful behaviors inflicted by the despairing individual are red flag
signals of warning. Making out a will, giving away favorite possessions,
saying goodbye in an unusual way may indicate danger.
If someone tells you that death seems preferable
to life:
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. More than 75% of all persons
who completed suicides acted in ways that reflected deep despair in the
few weeks or months prior to their deaths. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings
needs immediate attention. It is not how bad the problem is, but
how badly it's hurting the person who has it.
SUICIDE IS A CRY FOR HELP. If a suicidal person
turns to you, they believe you are caring, informed about coping with misfortune,
and willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the
manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and
has a positive view of you. You CAN make a difference.
GET HELP sooner rather than later. Talking about
the emotional pain brings relief. A therapist or counselor will NOT tell
them they are stupid, foolish, or bad. Let the person know you care and
want to stay in contact while they are receiving professional help.
LISTEN. Give the person every opportunity to unburden
his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much.
There are no magic words. Your voice and manner will show your concern.
Your presence gives relief from being alone with the pain and communicates
patience, sympathy and acceptance. Let them know you are glad they turned
to you. Avoid rebutting and advice giving. They won’t hear or believe you.
QUESTION: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”
If you ask a despairing person this question, you are doing a good thing
for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him
seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you.
You are giving him opportunity to discharge painful feelings. If the person
is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his plans have progressed.
STAY WITH THEM. If the person is acutely suicidal,
do not leave him alone. Your presence is a gift.
KEEP NO SECRETS. Do not try to go it alone. Get
help for the person and for yourself. Distributing the anxieties and
responsibilities of suicide prevention makes the crisis much more tolerable.
Let them know you must tell someone else of their misery.
Taking these few simple steps can save lives and
reduce a great deal of human suffering.
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Lives of quiet
desperation
I have just visited a place in Massachusetts that inspired the need to
share another man’s philosophy with you. However, you can choose or reject
what you read today.
A man in his late 20's who had already tried thirteen
careers gave up. He had decided that life was “frittered away by detail.”
He borrowed an ax from the father of Louisa May Alcott and built a very
small cabin. His next few years were an attempt to “simplify, simplify,
simplify.” This man was Henry David Thoreau.
It took a number of years for him to publish what
he discovered living by this lovely, peaceful, lake. He claimed he never
found a “companion that was so companionable as solitude.” He wanted to
see if he could learn what solitude in nature had to teach. His attempt
to figure out the purpose of life led to the following phrases (with a
few comments of my own).
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
(There weren’t even computers, IRA’s, taxes, cars, planes, little leagues,
Walmart, cheerleading, radios or TVs!)
He believed “It is characteristic of wisdom not to do
desperate things.” So, you can count yourself as wise if you take time
to enjoy the fruit of your labor, sit on your porch, play with your children,
talk to your spouse over a cool non-alcoholic beverage.
Thoreau would love the yard sales and flea-markets
of the area because he advised us to sell our “clothes and keep [our] thoughts.”
Evidently, a break from the desperation is needed
to develop dreams. Many of us go through life believing we are a failure
because we never set long-term goals. In Thoreau’s words, “If one advances
confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life
which he imaged, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.”
As he observed the people of Concord on his two
mile trips to town, his thoughts of work lead me to believe he was able
to travel forward in time. He wrote “The way by which you may get money
almost without exception leads downward.” I wonder if he was talking about
backstabbing, cheating, and lying?
In addition, Thoreau realized the relationship
of health to frenetic activity. “Health requires this relaxation, this
aimless life.” We all can’t go and live alone in a 10 x 8 cabin for a few
years, but we can make islands of peaceful reprieves in our schedules for
ourselves and our families.
A comfortable character gives us a sense of satisfaction.
When we are honest with our spouse, have integrity at our jobs, and find
meaning in giving, we create an inner peace. “Aim above morality. Be not
simply good, be good for something.”
Through life’s perils, we often question “Why?”
Each trial gives us wisdom and a new sense of what is really valuable in
life. “It is never too late to give up your prejudices. Not till we have
lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves.”
If “a man is rich in proportion to the number of
things he can afford to let alone,” we have a wealth of opportunity to
gain richness of life! So, live! Simplify! Create your own inner peace
so when you come to death’s doorstep, you will not discover that you “had
not lived.”
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Nick, a true friend?
July 3, 2001
After several failed relationships, an acquaintance increased
her smoking to very high frequency. “You know that Nick is my best friend,”
referring to her nicotine. “He’s faithful, dependable, and always available.”
In response, I suggested that being predictable, calming, relaxing, and
non demanding are additional descriptions of the effects of “Nick.”
You know? We could learn from something as destructive, lowly,
aversive as nicotine, or “Nick.”
Consistency and predictability are as valuable in a relationship
as are love and commitment. Sadly, dependability doesn’t always accompany
the emotions of love and the resulting commitment. Some are “faithful”
at degrading and disrespecting in friendships or marriages.
We become predictable when we operate out of principle that grows
out of our purpose in life. However, we may not have discovered exactly
what that purpose is. Without a well-defined goal, mission, or purpose,
we will have little direction. With little direction, we will respond to
others based on how we FEEL at the time rather than what we know will be
best for us and for those we love and care about.
For me, my mission is to restore or preserve the sparkle in people’s
eyes. You often see this quality in the eyes of children. As a result,
everything I do, every decision I make, every response to another, can
be decided by asking one question. “Will this choice preserve the sparkle
in my eyes and the eyes of those I love?”
So, when someone irritates me and hurts my feelings, before I
respond, I may have to take some time to contemplate all of my possible
reactions. Which choice best preserves the dignity and respect for the
other person?
Returning to what seemed to be such a reliable friend, “Nick,”
let’s look at the long term. Even while giving consistently and dependably,
Nick is doing damage to the smoker’s lungs, circulation, and nerve transmission.
After many years, the life of a smoker is still betrayed and sometimes
destroyed.
Does the parallel carry over? Maybe. But there can be two consistencies:
positive or negative. While what SEEMS a positive consistency when smoking,
the end results are damage and destruction. Sometimes what seems positive
is really negative. Positive consistency in human relationships only gives
security and calm.
Since the little cigarette is giving us a lesson today, let me
ask question. Knowing the harmful potential of a small amount of
consistent negativity, what choice would be logical for a person who is
tolerating negative, consistent put-downs, belittling, criticizing?
Would they just ignore it? Would they pretend it wasn’t happening?
Would they “turn the other cheek?” Or would they ban it from their life
by putting limits on those expressing negative comments and performing
negative actions?
Which answer would keep the spark in their eye the best? Nick
may LOOK innocent enough right now, but down the road, there is often a
huge price to pay.
As with nicotine, so it is with hurtful words and actions that
we allow in our lives.One day, there may be a huge price to pay. It may
come in the form of broken relationships, damaged children or grandchildren.
Our choices DO make a huge difference for everyone in our family system.
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Falling
in love without losing self
Falling usually
results in injury of some kind. Broken bones, lacerations, or maybe only
injured pride becomes the product of a fall. Many times, when we “fall”
in love, we also suffer an injury to our self.
Since falling in love is usually a product of an illogical,
irrational heart, we make choices that are also illogical and irrational.
Those choices may cause us to give up a part of our self in order to maintain
the illusion of being “in love.”
Beliefs, values and principles held for a lifetime
are what compose our self. Yet they may be sacrificed because of the fear
of losing this once-in-a-lifetime love. Losing our self releases the worms
of resentment, regret, disappointment, fear that begin to rot the apple
of our soul or self.
The personality we have always had may become altered
with the attempt to please the loved one. There may have been nothing wrong
with the person that we really are. We become a stranger to ourselves.
Our doubt begins to realize that they are in love with someone else, not
the real “me.”
Is this love worth giving up our self? Do we benefit
by giving in to the control of another person whom we think MIGHT not love
us if we choose to be the wonderful person that we have always been?
Life would become somewhat like walking on eggshells.
Each action, word, or choice must be closely scrutinized to determine if
it meets the approval of the one who claims to love us. That is not love.
That is imprisonment, or control.
The choice really becomes “Do I give up this love?
Or do I give up myself?” “Would I rather lose respect for myself, or give
up what I thought was supposed to be love?” Those are tough questions when,
as humans, we have such intense needs.
Would the one who claims to love me ask me
to lose myself? Yes, if they were thinking about themselves more than you.
You would have a big clue about what the rest of your life would be like
if the truth of this kind of disrespect was realized.
True love is an equal attempt by both in the love
relationship to communicate love by their understanding, consideration,
respect, and honor to each other’s beliefs, values, and principles. Anything
else is not love. It becomes self-serving and controlling.
True love requires effort and work on the part
of both involved to discover the unique needs of the other. Communicating
openly and honestly and kindly is the ONLY way we can begin to understand
and meet those needs. Expressing our hurts and feelings when our needs
go begging is the ONLY way another needy human will begin to know what
we need to really feel loved.
The children of this world learn how to love from
the adults in their life. Are the children in your life learning how to
love without disguising or losing their self?
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We all try
to deal with problems
Problems, problems, problems, we are all plagued with
them. We don’t have to wait for chemical warfare, this plague is cultivated
within the family systems from which we originate.
What are the real opponents of satisfying relationships?
What is infecting, intruding, and invading that which is designed to be
harmonious and unified?
I believe the major destroyers of relationships
are the wounds from our past that create filters or beliefs about ourselves.
These filters form our interpretation of every other event in our life.
“I’m unlovable, unimportant, not good enough, ugly, unwanted, and bad”
are a few of those filters. Until those filters are replaced with the truth
about ourselves, we will continue to nurture damaging behaviors and make
poor choices in our relationships.
The workaholism, nagging, disrespect, devotion
to electronic wonders, hobbies, and church, that deform marriages all serve
a purpose. That purpose is often designed to defy the distorted filters
which formed when we were constantly criticized as a child. Or, it may
have formed when our parents preferred to drink alcohol rather than spend
time playing games with us. When we were made fun of by classmates, we
likely began to feel unacceptable. Our view of the world is seen through
these lie-filled filters.
Events serve to confirm those lies and we don’t
even doubt our interpretations. We come to believe these as the truths
about ourselves.
If we can begin to realize the truth — that we
are special, basically good, valuable, and are doing our best, the oppression
dissolves. We no longer need those distractions from the terrible beliefs
about ourselves. We are set free from the chains of self-doubt and defeat.
But, how do we learn the truth? It must be experienced.
Intellectualizing and looking at the facts don’t seem to release us from
the harmful beliefs.
The truth is realized as we are accepted over and
over. As we experience love through numerous positive relationships,
we can begin to see our goodness and realize that we have been doing
our best.
Genuine spiritual connections can serve to reveal
the truth as we seek it through prayer and meditation. Peace and calm come
instead of stormy doubts and chaos of confusion, wondering why we exist.
We can only discover the truth as we express honest,
kind reactions to the hurts hurled at us by those we live with, work with,
and from whom we originated. It may be necessary to separate ourselves
from barrages of negative messages if they continue.
The choices in our life are best made when we ask
ourselves the questions, “What will bring the least damage to the fewest
people?” “What will be best for me and those I love?” When those questions
are answered honestly and sincerely, most hurtful message-forming can be
arrested.
Ask yourself what messages you are giving to the
impressionable young in your life. Is there a way to shape those messages
into anything more positive by spending quality time, appreciating and
affirming, helping, or simply approving by hugging and touching those you
see every day? If love is what keeps the world going, our whole world could
use a lot more.
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Planning
ahead for a marriage partner
A gentleman from India recently told me about his parents’
efforts to arrange his marriage. I mused that with much thought and consideration,
the success of marriages in the United States could be greatly improved.
In our society, most marriages are entered into
as a result of infatuation and a legendary imagination about the wonder
of marriage. The reality is that most American marriages are not all that
satisfying.
What would happen if we entered into marriage with
planning, organization, and understanding? Periodicals enlighten us about
the tendency we all have to marry someone that possesses the annoying characteristics
one or both of our own parents had. We will feel “at home” with a critical,
alcoholic if we had one or both parents with those traits.
Entering marriage informed rather than blind may
bring much better results. Now I’m not saying that love isn’t important.
But, again, most marriages aren’t entered into after true love has been
experienced. What is thought to be love is an emotional high of having
all of our needs met. Real love is a little more logical and considerate
of others’ needs. Real love realizes that there are other people in our
world with needs, like bosses, extended family and friends. Real love is
willing to be kindly honest with the annoying habits or behaviors of the
one we love.
So, I asked several people what they thought was
really important to them in a marriage partner. Some of the factors were
an even temperament, a consistent kind, considerate character, and the
ability to demonstrate emotional intimacy through quality conversation.
Consideration of family factors shouldn’t be overlooked.
If a person is emotionally cut off from one or both parents, they will
definitely have problems in their other relationships. That is a guarantee.
How do they handle their frustrations? Marriage has plenty of those. How
do they manage their financial responsibilities and spending? Would they
make a good parent for your children?
After making a list of what you want, would it
be terrible to score the potential candidates on each item using a scale
of 1 - 10. Discover if they measure up to your standards?
What is their percentage of the possible score if they
were rated 10 on each of your criteria?
Recognizing problems while dating is far superior
to finding out about major disunity after several years of marriage and
a precious child or two. Would you want a partner that would earn the grade
of “B-” or “C” when you could have an “A” spouse?
This technique may sound a bit cold and calculating,
but it can help prevent the painful frostbite that comes with major marital
conflict broken commitments, and miserable divorces. We diligently search
Consumer’s Digest when in need of a car, refrigerator, or stove. Why not
increase the chances that our marriage is as close as possible to what
our particular needs would match?
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Mirror reflections
After sharing a story of heavy loss and grief, a gifted local
woman shared the following piece of literary beauty with me. She has agreed
to allow me to share it with you.
Perhaps you can identify with the emotional pain
of losing a child, a dream, or health. Or maybe your life was shattered
by being the witness to abuse or even experienced the horror and awfulness
of having been physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused.
Her poetic verse is entitled “The Mirror’s Image.”
Here it is, exactly as she gave it to me.
“One day not so long ago, when I was whole, when
I was me. I looked into a looking glass to see who I would see.
It was an innocent, merely a child, full of trust and hope, a spirit poised
to fly. It was then that the earth began to quake and my hands to
tremble and shake.
“Suddenly their were shards of me here and there,
a mosaic upon the ground. As far as the eye could see I was broken,
and scattered all around.
“It was apparent that I would never be whole again,
because there were too many pieces now gone. Slivers of me were swept
away as I tried to snatch them back. They are now gone forever each
leaving their own crack. The Image now presented will never appear
the same. Never quite good enough to hang back in the frame.”
Doesn’t this prose reflect the sharp pain that
each of us experiences when we have lost through death, or a life-changing
illness? As children, we all have our beginnings as completely dependent
on those who brought us into this world. Usually, distrust is completely
foreign to a new life. Intentional hurt is unknown. Our blank slates are
begging to be written on with gentleness, kindness, respect, and consideration.
Each new life deserves to be loved, feel secure, and to fit comfortably
within their family.
We are never the same after a life-shattering emotional
event. Even if we haven’t learned to speak, fear and insecurity begin to
rob us of that feeling of peaceful acceptance.
At the first realization of being denied what we
seem to know we deserve, our world begins to change. Everything takes on
a different hue. Things that were important before have lost their value.
Mundane experiences now explode with importance! We no longer take for
granted the beauty of a sunset, the serenity of a lake, or the peace of
a gurgling brook. Expensive mansions, sleek automobiles, and extravagant
toys no longer possess their mysterious power.
Many of the experiences in a lifetime are the result
of generations of hurts and wounds. Those damaging experiences tell us
things about ourselves that are not true. We begin to think we are not
lovable, not wanted, not good enough. As we look deep into our broken mirrors,
it may seem that we can never mend.
Distorted messages can be changed. The truth can
be discovered. Look deeply into your personal mirror and ponder what is
really true about who you are. There may always be some missing pieces
that can never be replaced, but the reflection can always be improved.
As your human spirit reflects more that is true
about your self, you will be able to pass on to your children and grandchildren
a reflection that is not as distorted or damaged as yours is.
What would our world be like if we had no shattered
images? It happens one life at a time.
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Our interpretation
causes our pain
When I was about ten, my older brother had jobs in
the neighborhood mowing lawns and earning quarters, the things that made
it possible to buy chewing gum. Of course, I had a NEED for gum sometimes,
and when I asked for a piece, he would tear off a sliver no longer than
a quarter of an inch and hand it to me with a straight face.
At that age, I concluded that I must not be very
special to my big brother. Today, when I have a need that goes unmet, I
am still making the same conclusions--”If someone can’t or chooses not
to meet my need, I am not loved.”
My present situation is not the real source of
my pain. Yet, I can hold feelings of hurt and rejection toward others today,
simply because of the disappointments of many years ago. The next time
I am ignored, I will still have those same feelings.
So, what do we need to do to bring healing for
our past wounds, however small or large they may be? If I can heal my past,
I can salvage my present, because the negative emotions I feel are just
echoes of the past. My hurt and rejection allows me to see into my own
history.
What I have to do when I have negative, hurtful
emotions is to take a few minutes and look back at the origin of that echo.
Our present experiences are not the primary source of our pain. Ask yourself:
“When else did I have these same feelings?”
If we have the courage to look at the original
wound and feel the pain all over again, our present can be much smoother.
As I look back, there are three things for which to search.
THE ACTUAL MEMORY comes in a visual form. Emotional
events are locked in a certain part of our brain and are retrieved any
time we have a similar event that even slightly triggers the same response.
THE EMOTIONAL REACTION may be painful. Name it,
feel it all over again, and just notice it for a few minutes. The pain
felt will not be caused from the memory but rather from the interpretation
or conclusion about ourselves, usually a lie.
THE CONCLUSION about our self is usually far from
the truth. We thought we were bad, unlovable, that “it” was our fault,
we werent good enough, or we had no choice, or absolutely no control. Since
we believed that interpretation, it became the truth for us. Herein lies
he emotional pain. It is a logical feeling for that “lie” we began to believe.
Present relationships are plagued by the lies created
by our past. In order to be free, it becomes our goal to discover the truth.
We must embrace the original pain, feel it again, and contemplate the validity
or truth about the lie.
At first, we very well may feel helpless or hopeless.
But, only then can we realize the true meaning of those hurtful events
from our past. When, in our private meditation of these three components
of our darker memories, we realize the truth about how wonderful and lovable
we really are, and that “it” wasn’t our fault, or that we ARE good enough,
or we DO have choices, we can have control and we have done our best---then
we will be free at last.
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