PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP
ARTICLES
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The flames
of criticism burn
Have you ever had the impression that others couldn't accept or love you
unless your ideas and thoughts were identical with theirs? It is
like they wanted to put their values, ideas, thoughts, beliefs into you.
As responsible individuals, how do we respond?
The igniting message
usually comes as "shoulds" or "should nots." We should work
harder, to be neater, or be more compliant. We shouldn't complain,
shouldn't have differences, shouldn't have certain needs.
There seems to be an
even deeper meaning. If we can't do it their way, they can't love
us or approve of us.
What is our typical
response? Do we believe that we are no-good, despicable, stupid,
sloppy, and without value? Or do we return our judgment fueling the
flames with fury and fight, returning message that they are as bad?
This is common.
How would the world
be different if we could tell them how we appreciate their concern and
ideas? What if we told them we will give their ideas some consideration
and thought? What if we also experssed that we will make our choice
based on what we feel is best for us and our family?
In a sense, we adopt
an attitude of honor and submission to those that judge us wrongly.
As we treat the offender with respect, the resistance declines! They
feel like we have heard them. We benefit because we feel in control
of our choices. We don't feel controlled and conditionally loved.
We protect the love relationships and can survive.
Try it. They say:
"You shouldn't stay up so late!"
You say: "You must really
be concerned about my health. I'll figure out how I can get at least
7-8 hours of sleep a night. It may not be on your schedule, but if
you feel that my sleep patterns are depriving you of something, let me
know."
Let's try another one:
"You let the kids get away with so much! No wonder they are so embarrassing
in public!"
You might say: "You
know, you're probably right. I don't always notice when they are
acting out. They embarrass me some in public too. Why don't
we find some parenting classes to attend? Would you help me by pointing
it out when you notice I'm not responding?"
If we are feeling judged
it's up to us to let the "judges" know how we feel. We also must
recognize we have some areas that might need improvement. As we respond
to criticism with honesty and an openness to change, we can reduce the
fires of escalating fights and hurts to glowing warm embers. You
might also notice a reduction in the flames of criticism being ignited.
It's human nature: resistance nurtures more resistance. Consideration
earns respect and cooperation.
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Flame throwing with judgments
Have you ever seen these flames thrown? "I
can't believe you!" "You're always doing that!" "You never
catch on!" "When will you ever grow up?" "Your room looks like
a pigpen!" "Why don't you ever come home on time?"
Flames start fires. Fires damage and
destroy. We're talking about relationships. We're all guilty
of casting our judgments and hurting others. We cause negative emotions
with our flames of rejection, hurt, disregard, silence and resentment.
They all damage and destroy relationships. Rarely do these flames
cause growth and improvement.
How can we learn to be a little more unconditional?
We can accept the following ideas as true.
Freedom to choose is a basic right of others.
Even children need the freedom to choose. However, if the choice
results in a consequence that they don't want, they will more than likely
opt not to make poor choices. If we desire freedom, fairness demands
that we extend that same freedom to others.
Differences add intrigue to our lives!
If we all were automatons, thinking alike, with no variety, complete predictability,
where would excitement, intrigue and joys come from? Others have
a right to their opinion. If you don't agree, simply tell them, "I
see it differently."
Judging another person based on what we understand
allows others to judge us based on what their incomplete understanding
is. Rumors, false accusations or misunderstandings are all results
of judging based on a tiny tip of the iceberg. Many facts and truths
are simply not available to all.
Responsibility of others' choices is their
property. Our responsibility is to love, care for and do for them
what they cannot do for themselves. Human nature resists when others
force opinions, beliefs or thoughts upon another. Even with our children,
the sooner they learn to make right choices based on the consequences we
have in place for the harmful choices they might make, the better.
Their self-control and self-discipline grow when we allow them to make
poor choices which are tied to consequences that discourage that choice
in the future.
Growth and closeness are nurtured more by acceptance
than by judgement and criticism. We all like to feel that our thoughts,
ideas and plans are valuable. We are drawn to those that give us
messages of approval. Commitment comes easy when others try to understand
us. Loyalty thrives as we sense a loyalty to our self-esteem and
uniqueness.
As this year begins, experiment in human nature.
Find out for yourself how thoughtfulness, kindness, acceptance and interest
in others can benefit many lives.
Your life included.
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Flipping switches
and pushing buttons
People are pushing buttons every day.
Kids whine, act out, or fight. Women nag. Men criticize. Teens
blame. Moms remind. Friends are late. Some even yell
and accuse.
When others push buttons, an expected or hoped-for
response is set in motion. They enjoy seeing the control they have
over others as they push our buttons. How do we react when others
push our buttons? We get angry, withdraw, cry, and give-in.
Just what they wanted!
When we analyze this problem from the electrician's
viewpoint, he would probably say: "If it is uncomfortable, why don't you
disconnect the wires?" The person flipping the switch and pushing
the button will not get the desired reaction. It makes so much
sense!
Scene #one, wires connected: your teenager
complains about the house rules. "Hot-wired," you might say: "If
you want to live here, just be home by 11:00 Saturday night!"
Revised scene #one, wires snipped: Same complaint.
Your response? "You can come home any time you want to, son. For
each minute you come home late, you will forfeit the keys to your car for
a day. It's your choice."
Scene #two, wires connected: Disrespectful
classmates call you a negative name. They get what they want when
you act hurt and walk away.
Revised scene #two, wires clipped: Same
disrespect. You respond: "Thanks for giving me such intense consideration
as to give me a special name! I must be on your mind a lot!"
Scene #three, wires connected: Your nagging
wife reminds you about the "running- over" garbage. The next week,
she has to remind you again. She must enjoy being your boss and telling
you what to do, since she's been nagging for years with the same results.
Revised scene #three: Same nagging. Next week,
the garbage is gone with the can cleaned with bleach! In addition,
you vacuum her car! She is no longer your boss.
You have become the prince of her house! The whole neighborhood will
hear about how wonderful you are!
Scene #four: Someone throws accusations of
incompetence at you. They really want you to be upset and stay incompetent
so they can feel superior to you.
Revised scene #four: After accusations, your
response would be: "You are right. Will you help me learn how to
do it better?" You have transformed them from your superior to a
potential peer. It will not be long before you are as competent as
they can teach you to be. You will be equal!
So, the next time someone tries to "push"
your button or "flip" your switch. Try responding a little differently
than you routinely respond. You are the only one that can disconnect
the "live wire" from the circuit that ends up damaging and destroying valuable
relationships.
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Save a bundle!
You could be rich! If you are less than 30, let me ask you if
you think it is worth it to make the choices that can lead to a DUI (driving
under the influence) charge. You decide.
Being arrested for drunk driving is very expensive. The
attorney fees and the increased cost of auto insurance after a drunk driving
arrest, would cost a minimum of $1150. Legal costs are around
$750 and, depending on your age, sex, and the type car you drive, insurance
can go from $3400/year to $3800.
Here is what you can buy with $1150 this year:
One semester of college tuition, 12 semester hours; twelve years
of haircuts; seventy-five CDs, 23 pairs of $50 shoes, 851 gallons
of gas at $1.35/gallon (which would take you to California and back about
five times.); twenty-eight pairs of Gap jeans (more if you hit the sales);
half of a very used car in quite good shape; enough candy bars to last
six years and four months if you eat one a day; five hundred seventy-five
McDonald's hamburgers; two thousand three-hundred arcade video games; one
hundred ninety trips to the movies (more than a thousand if you rent the
older movies); thirty-two concerts of your choice; seventy-six Braves'
baseball games; more than seven years of daily Krispy Kreme doughnuts
with chocolate glaze; and eighty ski trips to Cloudmont! To keep
you company during your leisure time not having to work to pay your insurance
bills, you could have forty-six nice boom-boxes, and almost two thousand
liters of your choice of soda! Oh, and one more thing--with what
you would save you could enjoy one hundred forty-three medium pizzas!
I would venture to say that the results of alcohol ruin more
relationships than any other single factor. Not only does it damage
marriage partners, but the children who have to watch the violent, abusive
behavior eventually grow up. They many times marry to escape the
unpredictable home. They become parents. Their children suffer from
the choices their grandparents made.
It's difficult to repair the damages to self-esteem, confidence,
trust, and security.
Recently, I saw some scans that demonstrated significant decreases
in the blood supply to the part of our brain that reasons and makes choices.
The impairment was a result of drug use. It's time to prove the people
wrong that accuse us of having half a brain if we endanger our lives and
those we love by choosing to drink or take drugs. You get to choose
whether you loose that brain function or not.
Let me ask you--is it worth it?
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Who am I?
Who are we? Are we pretending to be accepted?
Or are we someone else? How much choice or control do we have over
whom we become? I've often wondered. We may have choices.
But, the choice made is often the choice we think others want us to make.
We want others happy.
We then become whom we think others can accept.
As a result, we are no longer who we really are! We give up our needs,
feelings and wants just to satisfy the void that forms when we are not
accepted for our thoughts, feelings, attitudes or behaviors.
We may fall into one of many roles.
Some of the more common characters follow:
Caretakers cover for those that don't seem
to be able to protect themselves.
Parents who fight usually have a "loser."
Inevitably, a child becomes the "protector." They usually go through
life taking care of everyone but themselves.
Perfect people have become that way because
if they were imperfect, they sensed that they would lose the love of the
most important people in their lives.
Black Sheep or troublemakers are the ones
who have either given up on being acceptable to others or are trying to
get some attention from those most important to them. Frequently
the message to them was that they shouldn't exist.
Loners chronically withdraw from others to
avoid the pain of ridicule and disapproval for whom they are. They
learn early that they should be like the others, not a little different,
creative, or imaginative.
Clowns have learned they shouldn't feel hurt
and show their real and uncomfortable emotions.
Peacemakers believe they can help everyone
from hurting others' feelings by getting in the middle or triangling between
two other people. They were taught that conflict shouldn't happen,
or if it does, not to acknowledge the disagreements.
Parentified or mature-acting children feel
they must act like an adult, since no one else in the family takes that
role. Their parents are distracted by fighting, yelling, and hurting
each other. Parentified children grow up never able to enjoy
the freedom and fun of childhood and adolescence.
We all have received messages that told us
indirectly we should feel differently.
Some examples are: "You'll be OK" rather
than "That really hurt!" "Quit crying or I'll give you something
to cry about!" instead of "You're really disappointed, aren't you?" "You'll
get over it," when they need to hear "I'm sad too."
Many of the messages involve words like "should,"
"ought," "must," "never," etc. As adults we play these messages in
our minds without questioning the truth. Experiment. Write
down the messages you hear often in your mind and question the truth.
You can begin to feel freer and more content. Try it!
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Love is blind
Our vision seems to be so much improved a year or two after the
wedding. It's like scales fall off our eyes. It may happen
when you forgive your spouse for the hundredth time for the same misdeed.
Or, it may happen when you realize the hurt of broken trust.
Hurtful experiences lead you to
wonder if you could ever follow your heart without losing your mind.
After following your heart without consulting your mind, you may be heard
to say: "I should have known better . . . " or, "I saw it when dating,
but I just overlooked it . . . "
So, is there
an explanation for why love is blind? Do we have any hope for marrying
successfully? The answer is a resounding YES!
Much of
what a person will be like can be clearly predicted during dating.
Premarital relationships can predict marital satisfaction.
During the dating period, we seem to be attracted to certain personalities.
We are more comfortable with personalities and emotional tones similar
to our parents.
The distressing
part of this is that we are drawn, not to the positive, but to the negative
components similar to our parents. Our "love" may not be able to
approve of us just like one of our parents was unable to let us know that
we were acceptable. Or, perhaps they tend to control us, just like
our childhood experience. All of this is unconscious.
We wanted to change our parents, but couldn't. Now we see
an opportunity to change someone that might be less resistant and the challenge
compels us to be attracted. These regretful reflections reveal two
prevalent sources to an unhealthy, "blinding love."
The first is an inability to observe anything with our mind.
We don't notice the patterns so familiar from our family of origin. We
simply do not look for the stable characteristics of a solid relationship
when dating. The second factor that prevents us from seeing the dangers
in a future relationship is a complete trust in the attachment of the heart.
There is no balance between the head and the heart in a dating relationship.
How can we avoid choosing a partner that we will regret becoming
the other parent of our children? Look for the red flags. Any tendency
to control, disapprove, or be disrespectful?
Listen to people you know and trust. If your parents or
best friends have reservations, their evaluation is worth considering.
They have wisdom, foresight, and experience on which to base their evaluation.
Decisions can be postponed. If there are any doubts, give
yourself time. It may be the most valuable six months of your life.
If the changes you need to see can't be made, then the relationship will
not progress.
You will have saved yourself and your future children much distress
by using your head a little more than your heart in making this most major
decision.
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If dealing with a rejection
Unwanted? Turned away? Ignored?
Our lives are shaped less by what happens to us than by the meaning we
place on events. If a husband does not seem to notice his wife when
he comes home, the event can be interpreted to mean several things. "He
could be tired or had a difficult day." Or, we can take it personally
and think, "He doesn't care if he has a wife!"
Depending on our interpretation, our behavior
can be vastly different. When we interpret the first meaning, we
will probably get him a drink of water, run our hands through his hair
and tell him to sit in his chair for a few quiet minutes.
However, with the second interpretation, we
may act in the desperation of rejection feeling unloved. We may respond
by withdrawing. Pulling away, we entertain thoughts such as "I must
have done something wrong," "He must hate coming home."
These desperate thoughts cause desperate
acts. We may accuse him of "never caring" about how hard our day
was. Perhaps we blame him for our lifeless marriage. We may
even throw out names like "Lazy," "Uninvolved," "Unsocial," "Uncaring."
Rather than drawing us closer, desperate acts
distance us. What is the solution when we feel rejected?
If we can do the opposite of what they expect, we get much better
results.
STOP THE CHASE. When a person feels
criticized for a trait, that trait seems to become stronger and more firmly
rooted. We cannot change another. If we called them during
the day several times, it is time to stop calling and giving the impression
that we have no other interests.
FIND OTHER OUTLETS. If you have a hobby,
get more involved in it. If you have an interest, learn more about
that. When the one rejecting us feels less pressure to please, they
can begin to give of themselves more freely.
STAY BUSY. Others can benefit from our
time and energy--like children or elderly. Many around us are lonely and
in need. By focusing on others, we can get some of our emotional
needs for approval and acceptance met elsewhere.
GIVE FREEDOM. Make plans including the
one who rejects you, but offer them freedom to choose whether they want
to join, or not.
DON'T GIVE UP. If these changes don't
bring results, wait. Change takes time. You may be eager to
see a repair to your relationship. It may never happen, but if it
does, you know they returned because they wanted to and not because you
coerced them.
MAINTAIN THE CHANGES. Reverting to the
old way is easy. However, the rewards of positive changes perpetuate
new freedom and deeper commitment. You won't want to go backwards!
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Slavery of the mind
Bondage of the mind is more horrible than bondage of the body.
Damaged and distorted thoughts with the resulting emotions condemn
our life to a joyless existence.
Persons handcuffed to jealousy or anger are deprived of
experiencing peace, joy and contentment. Obsessions condemn them to a miserable
existence.
Expressed in attitudes, words, and actions, their slavery cannot
be hidden.
The "prisoner" focuses on the person who is the object of his
or her bitterness, jealousy or anger.
The one who is the object of the contempt can never "pay" enough
or suffer enough to right the perceived or actual wrong. As long as they
are resented, despised, or hated, we are imprisoned together.
Negative emotions serve as handcuffs to keep us connected.
The miserable "slave" can be freed only by freeing the object of their
jealousy or anger. What are the keys that unlock the cuffs?
REFRAMING THE SITUATION helps our inner messages change from
degrading to confirmation of our value. The old thought may have
been: "I must be undesirable because he is doing things with her what I
used to beg him to do with me!"
The newly framed message is: "I wish he had learned how to enjoy
his family when he was with us. I feel sad that he doesn't get to
enjoy his own children and experience the daily joys of parenthood with
me. Others can enjoy that which he did not have the capacity to experience."
FORGIVENESS liberates. Forgiveness is the gateway to freedom.
The past cannot rule my present when I forgive. If we have been replaced,
or traded-in for a new model, our hurt and hostility becomes jealousy and
anger. These emotions rudely intrude into every day of our life.
Forgiveness is a very personal and difficult process. Often
when we are possessed with anger and jealousy today, it is because we have
been treated unjustly in the past. There may be others to forgive
than the one who is the current focus of our thoughts. Parents may
have neglected or wronged us. Siblings may have hurt us. Peers
may have made fun of us.
BE YOURSELF. Become unique and irreplaceable to those who
love you presently. Foster the relationships that are genuinely caring
and nurturing. We can then recognize the truth that the object of
our jealousy may only seem able to give what we needed. Chances are,
that is an illusion. The problems in one relationship become the
problems of new relationships.
ACCEPT YOUR EMOTIONS. We are human. Emotions have
a purpose. Acknowledging jealousy and anger motivate us to take action
against the wrong or injustice. This takes courage and wisdom, both
of which transform us into more valuable human beings.
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Looking for the red flags
On a recent trip to
the beach, I noticed many warning signs about the man-o-war jelly fish
in the area. Forewarned swimmers could be watchful for these stinging
creatures while swimming. However, just as we the swimmers
must be protected against unforeseen dangers, so should our future children
have the same protection. They will need love, security and a sense
of belonging to survive in this world, Consequently, it just makes sense
that we search for the best partner to help us shoulder this important
parenting responsibility.
Often, obvious "red
flags" will surface in a relationship to warn us about hazards that can
damage our future family. To insure that our future children will
have the chance they deserve, we have to look for these "red flags."
These common warning signals should perhaps discourage any further progression
within a relationship. Some of these "red alert" signals include
the following:
PARENTS AND
FRIENDS may have reservations. Ask for their opinions and observations.
Since love can be very blind, we need to see the relationship through
others' eyes.
RUSHING THE RELATIONSHIP
by the other partner faster than is comfortable cultivates mistakes in
judgment. Preparing for marriage and parenthood requires much thoughtful
study, planning, and talking. Take it slowly. Entering a sexual relationship
diminishes talking and sharing and changes the friendship relationship.
THE ASSUMPTION that
just because they do not drink, but go to church and hold a job,
they will make an excellent parent can be as blinding as for a deer
facing car headlights at night. Consequently, one must use caution because
sometimes the motive behind good behavior is heavy guilt or shame.
Unfortunately, negative emotions reproduce.
HOLDING GRUDGES against
parents because of a divorce, abandonment, abuse, or neglect can make it
difficult to express love to the next generation. If the parent candidate
believes that he or she could not do anything right in his/her parents'
eyes, then chances are he or she will never be satisfied with a child's
performance in school, projects, sports, and/or even life in general.
DISCOMFORT with manners, beliefs, habits,
or actions can be warning signs that we ignore. However, major differences
are magnified when we live with them daily. If our beliefs about
God, religion, or worship cannot be resolved, our children will likely
become confused.
ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS: "If I were my
child, would I feel comfortable with this person as my parent? Are
they patient, loving, calm? Have we discussed all the typical problems
parents can have with their children? Have we agreed on the principles
about discipline? Family time? Family rules? Family budgeting?
Family values?" A wise person coined the phrase:
"If we fail to plan, we plan to fail." Parenthood is the most important
job in the world. Our children deserve major preparation. Success
at parenting determines the future of our world.
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Language of women
When a person travels to a foreign country, there are often language
barriers to overcome. With the aid of a good language dictionary, these
barriers can be overcome.
Just as communication between foreigners and natives can be confusing
so can communication between men and women. Women and men communicate
differently. Sometimes women will say one thing when they actually means
something entirely different. The following translations represent
what women mean when they actually say something else; these quotes will
help men better understand women:
I'm tired and hungry. = I don't feel like cooking. Let's
go to Taco Bell.
I don't care what you do = You better do it my way or you'll
be sorry, and I know you know what I want.
I don't mind staying home = I don't feel very important to you.
Today's trash day = I would really appreciate it if you take
out the garbage.
Are your jeans clean?= I'll wash them if you put them in the
hamper.
We need . . . = I really want . . .
I think the kids are hungry = It would be great if you would
help me fix supper.
The house is a mess = Help me straighten up.
Our car is so dirty! = Why don't you wash the car?
Was that the baby? = Why don't you go rock him until he falls
asleep?
I can't believe how expensive groceries are! = We need to increase
our grocery budget.
I don't need a new dress = I appreciate how hard you're working,
and I don't want to take advantage of your generosity.
This kitchen is so cramped! = I would like to move to a bigger
house.
I never do anything right. = Tell me what you love about
me.
I don't know what is wrong with me = I need you to spend some
time with me. I don't feel very loved right now.
What is the date today? = Don't forget our anniversary tomorrow.
Sure, go fishing = I hate being alone and really don't want you
to leave.
Can I have the remote? = I'm tired of watching sports.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful!
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive, or
I did something today that may upset you.
Let's be romantic, turn out the lights = I don't want you seeing
my flabby thighs.
Hold me tonight = I'm too tired for anything else.
Let's talk = You really upset me. I need you to agree with
me.
Nothing's wrong = Everything is wrong. I don't want to
tell you now.
I really love you = I really love you.
I'm not upset = You can't ever tell when I am upset! I'm
upset now!
Whatever = I know my way is best. You should know what
I want. I'll be hurt if you believe I don't care.
Talk to me about important things! = Agree with me. See
the world the way I do.
Are you listening !? = I know you're not, but I need you to admit
it.
I am not yelling! = OK, I am yelling but I think this is important!
Wouldn't it be easier if we said what we mean?
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Language of men
The language of men is usually easier to interpret than the language
of women. Men usually mean what they say more than women. They
don't seem to be trying to keep everybody happy and comfortable like women.
The following translations represent what men mean when they actually say
something else; these quotes will help women better understand men:
I'm tired and hungry. = I'm so starved , I'd give up my hard-earned
cash to eat as soon as possible!
What's for supper? = You fix the 21 meals a week, the shopping,
the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, the dusting, the vacuuming--I'll mow
the yard 12 times during the summer.
I don't care what you do = Do it.
I don't mind staying home = I am in the mood for being lazy.
My jeans are clean = I could wear them a week before you needed
to wash them.
The house is a mess = Why don't you clean the house before I
come home?
Was that the baby? = Why don't YOU go rock him until he falls
asleep?
I can't believe how expensive groceries are! = We need to cut
our spending.
I never do anything right. = You complain too much.
I'm going fishing = I don't have to ask you if it's OK.
Can I have the remote? = I'm tired of watching romantic movies.
What did you do all day? = I'm trying to show interest in you.
Just give me the basics.
Come out and sit on the steps while I change the oil. = I need
quality time too!
I don't want to hurt you = I am keeping something from you.
The kids are being rowdy = You need to calm the kids down.
Yes, you are beautiful = I don't want to have an unhappy wife.
Look at her! = Whoops! I shouldn't have said that!
There's nothing wrong with me = There must be something wrong
with you.
I am not yelling = Do you want yelling? I can show you
yelling.
Nothing's wrong = Nothing's wrong.
I really love you = I really love you.
I'm not upset = I'm not upset.
Let's be romantic. = Let's be romantic.
You are so beautiful.= Let's be romantic
There's no game on tonight. = Let's be romantic.
What do you want to talk about? = You choose a topic and I'll
do my best.
What do you mean, talk from my heart? = I have no idea what you
are talking about.
Don't our differences make life intriguing?
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Advice for singles
Single life can be rewarding or lonely.
Whether we are single by choice, or single from divorce, this social tradition
of dating may be frustrating, confusing, as well as fearsome. All
of us need companionship and relationships. Dating serves the purpose
of sorting and choosing that person.
Dating results in solid, permanent enriching
results when we follow a few guidelines. Society seems to assume
dating is only for fun and pleasure. Yet dating results in connections,
which often lead to marriage.
Marriage results in children. Children deserve
parents who are able to nurture, love, and provide security and the feeling
they are valued. A few guidelines for successful dating follow:
DEAL WITH PREVIOUS HURTS. If we have
never felt loved as a child, we may need some professional help to realize
we are lovable. We can learn what love really is instead of what
we have been taught about love.
We may have some hurtful experiences in our
past. Rejections, degradation, betrayal all give us a lack of self-
worth. Sometimes we believe those messages when they are not the
truth. Examination of beliefs about ourselves provides a clear concept
of what will be acceptable in a relationship.
We may need to confront those
who hurt us and tell them about the results of their actions toward us.
We can share with them how we intend to manage future attempts at hurting
us. Sometimes, this is very difficult. A letter written but not delivered
can accomplish some relief from the destructiveness that their controlling
behavior has had over our life. No one deserves control.
The goal of this technique is freedom from
the control people have had over us in the past. Otherwise, this
continues to plague all other future relationships.
KNOW YOURSELF. Know your feelings and
needs. Many are in uncomfortable relationships. They have never considered
what they need from others. Some need constant acceptance and approval.
Others need time to talk. Still, some can be satisfied just being together
doing something they consider fun.
Being waited on or served is a need some have.
Touch has the capacity to communicate specialness. Yet, those who
have had negative experiences with touching interpret hugs and holding
unfavorably. Gifts are needed by some while others look at gift- giving
as impractical. We are all unique.
BECOME AWARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS> Since humans
come in a wide range of unique packages, no one interprets the world exactly
like we do. Track all of your emotions for a week and see how colorful
your moods and reactions to others can be.
PRACTICE EXPRESSING EMOTIONS AND NEEDS> Once
we know ourselves and are aware of our emotions and needs, then can we
begin to share them with others. We can begin to set goals for our future
and plan our personal growth. Success in anything requires planning, researching,
and executing.
Can your new love interest be trusted with
one's heart; or will it be another case of misguided love and a broken
relationship? Relationships contribute to life more than any other single
factor. Why not put some diligent effort into the one thing that can bring
satisfaction and contentment in life?
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Dating has a purpose
Buying a new car and choosing a life partner have similarities.
Sometimes, we spend more time considering the options we want on a new
car than studying the options that come with a spouse.
Getting the best in both requires effort and
investment. When either "breaks down," we suffer deeply. Both can become
damaged either by neglect or disrespect. The analogy stops at this point
because a spouse is not generally sold, nor can they be "driven" at our
convenience.
Usually, we don't think in terms of trading
wives or husbands for another model; if we kick a car, it does not lower
it's value; not so, a spouse.
How can we know we have chosen wisely when
we date? Selecting our marriage partner is one of our most important
decisions. This person will parent our children. We will spend the rest
of our life with them. We will set goals and plan our futures together.
How can we know that person would be the absolute
best for us? If you are considering engagement, you might appreciate the
following guidelines:
Am I a better person when we are together?
Do I resent their annoying habits or characteristics? Am I honest
with them, or do I feel the need to hide my true self?
Do either of you desire to date others? If
so, this continues after the ceremony. This desire breeds jealousy, suspicion
and erodes trust. Trust is crucial for a harmonious marriage.
Do you really enjoy each other's company,
or is one of you always trying to change the other by criticizing, mocking,
and/or controlling? These traits lead to defensiveness and keeping secrets.
Winning, losing or keeping secrets do not belong in a healthy relationship.
Do you contribute positively to each other's
self concept? Or does one of you feel a lack of support for your uniqueness?
Respect for each other's differences contributes to the richness and balance
in marriage. Is there imbalance within the relationship, or are you both
making a concentrated effort at meeting each other's needs? Are you both
able to share your feelings and needs comfortably?
Do either of you feel you have to protect
the other one from erupting in anger or buffer the other's insecurities?
If so, being on guard places responsibility for one partner on the shoulders
of the other. The partnership is lost. Marriage becomes a care-taking arrangement.
Do you both enjoy your future in- laws? They
come as a package deal. Will they make quality grandparents for your children?
What an important role!
What about the prospects of this person becoming
the parent of your PRECIOUS child? This may be the most important consideration
of all. Since innocent children don't get to choose, they have to rely
on us to select a parent that can love them, be committed to care
for, nurture them, and provide security.
Do those that love you offer support
for your relationship? They are in your life for a purpose. Their opinion
may be a gift of wisdom, insight, and discernment about your potential
future happiness.
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Prepare to make your
marriage a success
How much time do we spend focusing
on our preparation for marriage? We spend intense years preparing for our
careers and one-third of our life sleeping. Years are invested in entertainment
from televisions, radios, and computers. Maybe it is time to consider some
important aspects of marriage. Most marriages are based on the exciting,
blinding emotion known as the in- love experience. Very little time is
spent planning and building strategies for possible problems or conflicts
that may arise after the wedding and honeymoon. Let's consider some unique
dating activities that might prepare us for this awesome, life-changing
partnership.
READ AND DISCUSS BOOKS on communication, parenting,
and philosophy of life. Differences of opinions can be uncovered and negotiated
before common problems occur that will degrade the relationship.
SPEND TIME WITH FUTURE IN- LAWS. What you
witness will be a representation of what you can expect in your own marriage
when the new wears off. Insight leads to informed choices. What you see
is what you will likely experience.
SEEK FINANCIAL ADVICE by attending seminars
or enlisting the services of a professional advisor. You can identify future
problems and develop strategies to retire in security and comfort by systematic
savings and budgeting. Financial problems can plague what could have been
a good relationship.
ATTEND PARENTING CLASSES offered in your community.
Discuss the strategies successful in nurturing secure offspring. Learn
to deal with the challenges of parenting. Learn about common behavior disorders
in childhood. Are you interested in having children that are self-disciplined,
respectful, and enjoy learning? Discover how to meet these mutual goals
for your children. All of these qualities don't happen naturally. They
are a result of planning, consistency, and togetherness.
GO TO CHURCHES of your choice until you find
the one in which you both feel comfortable. If you have children in your
marriage, they become confused when they see parents disagreeing about
small spiritual issues. Fellowship with a church family becomes a tradition
that provides a sense of belonging and a source of nurturing to a child
especially when they must deal with tragedy or loss. Children get their
concept of God by the way their parents treat them and each other. Disagreements
regarding religious practices and spiritual issues become a destructive
cancer within the family unit.
MAKE MEMORIES OF FUN outings to draw from
your memory bank in the future when life becomes routine and predictable.
You will have stories to tell your children and something on which to reflect
during your "remember when" sessions on weekends together. Go hiking, go
to museums, go to local attractions where you enjoy quality time. You might
even obtain premarital counseling. Take photographs to commemorate the
events and then create scrapbooks together.
The dating described in this column may sound
a little different from what is common. But, consider this: Do you
want a common marriage?
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The Risk of Premarital
Sex
Men and women have different ideas and needs in a romantic
relationship. Almost half the women over thirty are single, and many of
these women believe that marriage brings security and happiness. The single
men they are dating might not necessarily agree with this idea. In today's
society, the main issue in a romantic relationship is often about sex outside
marriage. Consequently, the emotional commitment shown in the sex act is
dramatic for women. Sexual involvement without emotional commitment can
permanently damage them. The commitment may NOT be certain. High
levels of disappointment, rejection, and hurt are inflicted when one
abandons the relationship. What began as pleasure soon becomes intense
pain. The risks of a sexual relationship are exorbitant.
For example, an unplanned pregnancy risks
tormenting consequences to all involved when abortion, adoption, or an
absentee parent becomes a reality. Untold pain and hurt become a
reality for the family members. The rest of the parents' lives will be
embossed as a result. Dreams of education, careers, and a loving family
unit will evaporate or become difficult to realize. Those inner messages
about self-worth and self-value become degrading and discouraging.
Premarital sex sets a couple up for more than
just emotional hurt. There is also the physical danger of sexually transmitted
diseases. Many are left with plagues of herpes or warts that haunt
them forever. Other infections like AIDS, gonorrhea, and chlamydia, have
the potential of damaging life or the ability to reproduce later.
If one is seeking intimacy by sex, he or she
will find that it is not found in sex alone. Intimacy is the ability
to talk comfortably to someone about everything including the meaning of
sex to the meaning of life. An extramarital or premarital sexual
relationship reduces the opportunity for a couple to grow in true intimacy
because sex reduces time for conversations and rarely leads to instant
commitment.
For the male, sex releases tension and brings
satisfaction. Emotional commitment is represented to females. If the male
is really committed to the relationship and acting out of unselfishness,
he can find other ways to release his tension rather than put the woman
he supposedly loves at risk.
Early sexual experiences can complicate future
married intimacy. Engaging in this type of relationship too soon,
can result in self-defeating thoughts. When this type of relationship
has ended, desperation and loneliness can confuse and devastate an individual.
Ideally, a committed relationship will share intimacy and be conscious
of the desires and the needs of both people involved.
Sex was NOT designed for a person's selfish needs
to be fulfilled at the expense of another human being. The purpose
is to express the high regard for each other that comes with the signed
and sealed commitment of marriage. This commitment will bring loyalty,
respect, and protection of the other partner from any threat or harm.
Emotional hurt damages our very being, and we are responsible for protecting
ourselves from harm. Our choice to abstain from sex until we have
an acceptable commitment should be based on preplanned principles. Principles
that will guide our life. If we want to do our best as future citizens,
parents, wives, husbands, and workers, we must protect what is most valuable
to us—our very being, spirit, soul, heart, mind—they are all the same.
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Mud slinging
at masterpiece
Last summer my husband and I were privileged to stand in front of
the great masterpiece Mona Lisa.
The almost 500-year-old artwork is supposedly the grieving daughter
of a rich family. Mona Lisa had just lost her baby daughter.
Da Vinci brought musicians and clowns into his studio to cheer her up.
They brought a smile to her lips, but that famous smile also reflects her
sadness and great gentleness that has made her portrait so famous.
Leonardo took this portrait with him everywhere he went for four
years, reworking it to achieve the perfection he desired. While gazing
at this masterpiece, her expression seemed to change.
Like the Mona Lisa, each of us is a valuable masterpiece.
Parents, teachers, family and caretakers are all privileged to contribute
to the final product --each one of us. Most of them care deeply about
each stroke that adds to the final product.
Yet if only one careless "artist" decides to sling what may be
a small amount of mud on the canvas, the entire portrait can be devalued
tremendously. How can such desecration be possible? Could we have
a world of masterpieces? Slinging mud at masterpieces is definitely
an act of violence-- in life as in art.
Unfortunately, violence is hurled in subtle and obvious acts.
Ignoring a person that needs attention, raising our voices, threatening,
abusing, neglecting, excluding, degrading another, all mar the masterpiece
that is present. Even if violence is directed at another piece of
art, those in close proximity are bound to be damaged as well.
The slinging of mud may, in fact, be a result of having had mud
slung at them in the past. It could also happen when we are under
the influence of alcohol, drugs or a disorder of some kind. Still,
should that be an excuse? Does anyone come out a winner? How
can the cycle be interrupted?
Either the mud must no longer be hurled, or a protective covering
must be placed around the masterpiece, as with Mona Lisa.
With a protection around us as human beings, we are prevented
from having close relationships with anyone. Therefore, I like the
option of refraining from violence.
If you are a person that knows you are slinging mud at masterpieces,
admitting it is just the beginning. Getting help from a professional
counselor can help scrape the mud off your own work of art.
Sometimes, medications can help dissolve the crusty, caked-on
blemishes. Being willing to trust "art appraisers" and "art renovators"
may require a new attitude.
Friends and family may claim to know more about art than the
professionals. They may discourage and criticize those who have been
trained for years to help improve the quality of your art.
Another thing. Since what we are talking about is a spiritual
problem. It seems likely that there may be a spiritual solution.
Belonging to a group that loves, affirms, and accepts you can do wonders
for the stains in your picture. Powerful connections can bring your
masterpiece back to the high quality that was originally intended.
Think about getting an appraisal. You possess a unique,
one-of-a-kind work of art!
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Worms and rotten
apples
If your soul were likened to an apple, what are the "worms" that
cause it to rot and diminish in quality and strength? Could it be
a damaging relationship?
Damage to one's soul begins with a tiny maggot of resentment
that begins to kill that part of us when we obtain messages that we are
not valuable enough to be helped with mundane duties that must be done
when raising a family.
Deterioration to the soul occurs when those we live or work alongside
ignore us, our preferences and/or opinions. Rude, loud, cruel, nagging
voices of disrespect have a destructive effect on all who hear.
Rejection when we need affection, or just withholding when we
have legitimate desires, damage our soul at the core. This is the
same feeling we get when actions or words tell us that our feelings are
not logical or important. That hurt begins to destroy a part of what
feels like our heart.
When the damage is ignored, it slowly destroys. Our
inner being withers and we withdraw emotionally or lash back.
The damage can be cut out if we speak up!
"I feel unimportant to you when we never have a conversation." If we hold
our reaction to another's behavior, they remain ignorant of our needs.
Once we have exposed our reaction to their behavior, it is our responsibility
to ask them to do something specific that would improve the negative emotion.
"I'd like to ask that we get up thirty minutes before the kids one morning
a week to talk about specific things we can do to benefit our family."
Freedom to fulfill our request is imperative. Force and
control will only bring resistance. Because of that, it is our responsibility
to let them know what action we plan if they choose not to fulfill our
request. "If you are willing to do this, I will interpret that to
mean that you are interested in our marriage. If not, I will make
an appointment for counseling and we can get some outside help."
We can only change ourselves. Others change in response
to our changes. If we following the three steps outlined below, it
can make others want to change.
1. Tell how we feel about what causes our soul damage.
2. Specifically ask for what you need in the future that
is different.
3. Explain the result of their choice to fulfill or deny
your request.
Only by sharing how we feel and what we will tolerate
can we protect ourselves from this rotting damage. We can remove
and restore health to the damage that eventually erodes the quality and
strength of our relationships.
Misery is our choice. After we have shared our negative
emotions, if the person continues to hurt us, then we have the choice to
put distance between us.
If the one being hurt is your child, that child is your responsibility
to protect and nurture. Children who are hurt by an adult hold hard
feelings toward adults that allowed the hurt to occur. All of life
is made up of choices, some of which are extremely difficult. When
faced with a choice, ask the questions "What is best for my or my child's
long-term soul-health? And which choice damages the least?" Then you can
usually determine what maintains the shine and crispness of your soul.
It is within relationships that life happens.