| We Can be Happy! 12-16-97 | A new way to see the world 12-9-97 | Thanksgiving a time for in-laws! 11-25-97 | Setting boundaries protects our most valuable asset 11-11-97 |
| It is possible to get rid of resentment, bitterness & guilt! 11-04-97 | Are You Part of a Triangle? 09-30-97 | Recognizing a damaging relationship 9-9-97 | Talking it out is the way to better relations 2-3-98 |
| Take out the trash 12-23-97 | Forgiving isn't easy 12-30-97 | Solve the mysteries by talking to others 4-14-98 | This one is just for the women only 4-21-98 |
| Pennies for your inner thoughts 4-28-98 | Seventeen and a mom 5-12-98 | I was a dad at eighteen 5-5-98 | Talking in intimate relationships 7-28-98 |
| Is making a living taking your life? 9-8-98 | Make a difference 9-1-98 | Honesty is still life's best policy 11-10-98 | Happy and loving the holidays 11-17-98 |
| Am I my mother's mom? 12-21-98 | Share your memories 12-14-98 | Am I my mom's mom? 12-22-98 |
|
Have you ever had the thought that "If only I had . . . , then I could be happy?" The blank may read like: help in the kitchen, help with the baby, spending money, some control in my life, permission to work, someone to talk to, some appreciation, respect from my kids and spouse. So what in the world can we do about it? The answers are not easy. First, we have to recognize that our needs are valid. It is natural to feel unloved when we are treated badly. We deserve to be loved in a marriage relationship. If we don't, it is our responsibility to make some changes. We can only change ourselves. Communicate. Let others know how we feel when they say or do something that hurts us or makes us feel uncomfortable. Unless we share with them how we react to them, they will never know. How can they change their behavior if they assume it is acceptable to us? We need to communicate to them in a way that is effective. To do that, we must avoid name-calling and blaming. Begin by stating your belief that you know they care about you. Then simply state: "I am lonely when you are gone all weekend." Or "I feel used when I am the only one bathing the baby and changing his diapers." Or, "When you talk to me with disrespect, I feel worthless." Ask for what you want. We must figure out what we really need. Sometimes we haven't given it much thought. We just know we feel uncomfortable or dissatisfied. Your request needs to be very specific: "I'd like us to plan one weekend a month to |
do something special with just our family." "While I'm
fixing supper, I'd like you to
give the baby a bath and entertain him." "I don't care that you disagree with me, but I do care that you speak to me respectfully." "Instead of calling me every day on the phone, could you only call on Tuesdays and Thursdays before the kids get home from school?" It's OK to ask for what you need. In fact, it's the only sure way your needs can be met. Set a consequence. If you don't have your needs met, how long can you continue? Others deserve to know what your limits are. You might say: "If you aren't able to give our family one weekend a month, I'll interpret that to mean that you love your hunting buddies more than your family." Or, "If you can't help me with the baby, I'll just have to ask you to fix supper while I watch him." Maybe you would say: "If you continue to call when I'm fixing supper, I'll just tell you I can't talk." Freedom of Choice. Make sure they understand that they have the freedom to carry out your request. We cannot force love or caring. We can only make it easier for them to choose to do the things that show they love us. "I recognize your right to choose whether or not you will do what I have requested." So, if you aren't happy as a husband, wife, parent, or friend, it's your responsibility to take some action. Relationships were created to enjoy and provide a mechanism for fun and satisfaction. We can have satisfaction and rewards when we begin to communicate with respect, love and honesty. FAMILY MATTERS December 16, 1997 |
| We don't hesitate to visit
our doctor when we have an infection or feel bad. But to go for counseling
is rarely practiced.
Counseling, like medical care, is best when it is obtained early on rather than after severe damage has been done. Some think: "I'm not going to hang my dirty linen out for anybody else to see!" When we keep our problems to ourselves they only loom larger. Resistance to counseling is common. I find that resistance is a result of just not having a clear concept of what goes on in counseling. So, I thought I'd describe what goes on in a typical counseling session: TALKING -The biggest part for those going to counseling is for them to talk about themselves. Best results come when they are honest about the way they see their world and the problems they have. OBJECTIVITY - Somehow, when someone is not emotionally connected to the problems we experience, they can see more clearly what the problem really is. REALITY - Most of us have withheld our hurts and frustrations from the people who are hurting and frustrating us. The job of the counselor is to listen, analyze, and then let you see the world through their eyes. They have a responsibility to give you a dose of reality. SUGGESTIONS - Also, the counselor will point out patterns of thinking and acting that are damaging us. They will suggest techniques that minimize the damage and begin to change the patterns. |
SUPPORT - Counselors aren't out to change anybody,
but they are out to help and support you as you choose
to make difficult changes. That's what counseling
is all about: change. Change is uncomfortable.
Change is something we can dictate only for ourrselves.
It is not anything we can force someone else to do.
As we change, the people around us miraculously begin to
change--slowly.
TEACHING - Counselors have been trained to teach ways of relating and solving relationship problems. They will encourage you to talk to the people that are annoying you in respectful ways. They will teach you ways to approach problems in the future that are less likely to cause violent reactions. They can help you set boundaries in your life. They help you learn to communicate love effectively. They will help you develop principles by which to guide your decision-making. They provide information about disorders that you have. FREEDOM OF CHOICE - Counseling is an activity that can make a big difference in your life. You can begin to feel like life is worth living again. You can choose grow in your present relationships. You can choose to begin to be in control of your own life and decisions. You can begin to feel your emotional burdens lift. You will be able to give more to the people you need to give to, like your children. INVESTMENT IN THE FUTURE - Counseling is really worth it. If you see the expense as an investment in your future, I think you will have made a wise investment. Life is meant to be filled with satisfaction and joy balanced with some sorrow and disappointment. If you haven't had the satisfaction and joy--counseling may be just right for you. FAMILY MATTERS December 9, 1997 |
|
Last week's article was the first in a series of three about the things that cause trouble in marriages: Sex, in laws, and finances. For some reason, all the jokes are about mothers-in-law. Since becoming a mother-in-law several times now, in-law problems are more obvious to me. And, as much as I hate to admit it, mothers are the ones implicated most of the time. Around holiday times we are faced with the challenges of dealing with our in-laws. It's up to us, not our in-laws, how pleasant the holidays can be. The keys to dealing with in-laws fall in four areas: 1) expectations, 2) rights, 3)responsibilities and 4) priorities. Expectations. We expect our in-laws to see things similarly to the way we see them. But, they are different people with separate backgrounds and individualized world views. As we begin to recognize them for their uniqueness and talk with them about how their opinions evolved, we uncover a jigsaw puzzle of an explanation and a colorful kaleidoscope appears. Rights. Individuals have their right to their opinion (no matter how stupid it may seem to us). Sometimes we try to cut off that right. The result is an even more determined effort to express that opinion, no matter what. If we give them permission to have an opinion, but protect our own right to make the final decision when it comes to our family— peace can reign. Instead of arguing with their opinion, we'd gain a lot by saying something like: "I appreciate your concern. I'll certainly consider what you are saying." Responsibility. Our primary responsibility is for our family. Their needs MUST take priority over our parent/in-law needs. When choices are seen with consideration for our family unit first, then we will be making the right choice all of the time. If a spouse wants to begin their own holiday custom with their primary family (husband, wife, children), it's OK to tell the grandparents that they will come over in the evening in order to begin a family tradition with their primary family. Immediate family comes first. |
If there are problems with an in-law, the problem
doesn't go away by ignoring it. It is
the responsibility of the second generation to clearly state the boundaries they create together. For example: "Mom, we'd like to feel like responsible adults. When you think we need bailing out, please don't offer us money. Wait until we ask for help, OK?" Interference in discipline is often a great annoyance from in-laws. It is our responsibility to say: "I know you care about your grandchildren, but I would like you not to use the switch on my children. When they disobey, here is a list of consequences I'd like you to use." When in-laws encourage only their son or daughter to spend time at their place, leaving the in-law spouse alone at home, it is the responsibility of the son or daughter to say, "I want to spend today with my family. We'll stop by to visit this evening if that's all right with you." Now the spouse left at home also has the responsibility to say, "I really feel lonesome and left out when you spend so much time at your folks house." Priorities. Our primary family should be our number one priority as we make decisions and choices each day. If outside forces demand so much from us that our family is damaged in any way, we would benefit from making adjustments. Now here's the most difficult situation I can think of: Your family has a parent who needs constant care because of Alzheimer's. If we must neglect our primary family to care for a parent, the priority of family has been violated. The options explored and the decisions made must include and consider the needs of each family member. In-laws are really important in our lives and the lives of our children. It is important not to cut them off. But at the same time, it is important that we are not allowing them to control our lives, or damage the primary relationships of our family. Family is MOST important. Life can really be simplified as we make our primary family our top priority, form realistic expectations, recognize our rights, and the rights of others, and take responsibility for our primary family. FAMILY MATTERS November 25, 1997 |
| Who is responsible for your
happiness? What is our primary responsibility in life? What is your
greatest asset in life? Would you believe me if I said the answer to all
of those questions is your self?
You are fully responsible for the gift of your self, or your soul. It is up to you to protect that gift so you can give to others around you. The one's we need to be there for more than anyone is our family. If we are a withered soul, we are less able to minister to our spouse or children. Just as flowers wither in the presence of weed killers, our soul withers when we allow others to spray "weed-killer" on us, or we do it to ourselves. Let's take, for an example, if as my Dad was dying, he said "Take care of Mom for me," I felt I had to leave my teenagers and husband to take care of my sick mother every day. I had to do this every day even though I have brothers and sisters in the area. I would feel guilty that my family is floundering. My family would feel my mother is more important to me than they are. My mother doesn't really appreciate me. My brothers and sisters are just glad that I'm taking care of things. This scene is like a piece of modern art! There are no clear boundaries. It is OK for us to have limits and let people around us know what they are! I can say, "I'll be glad to stay with mother two days a week. I can't manage any more than that. If I don't get any help, we'll have to consider some other alternatives." It's OK to say, "Sweetie, can you give the baby a bath while I fix some supper?" Or "I really don't want any more ice cream, thank you." Or "I can't go out with you anymore, I feel you are using me." Or "Please don't speak to me using that tone of |
voice." Or "I will have to report this because I am responsible for taking care of myself." Or "Please don't call me at work anymore. I won't be able to talk to you." Or "Please let me know if you are going to be late." Or "I need you to talk to me for five minutes when you come home." Or "I need to be alone right now." Or "I'm sorry, we can't afford to pay for your insurance." Communicating what nurtures our soul/spirit or what hurts us is the primary way we can protect our self. We can then begin to have what it takes inside of us to nurture others. That is where our happiness usually comes from— knowing we are contributing to others, helping them grow in life, being an example to them in setting limits so they can grow in self-discipline too. The same format for making requests works for setting limits on others. First comes letting them know how it affects you when they step over your limit. Second comes the request for the change. Lastly, let them know what the consequence will be if they step over your limit again. This simple process works well for children, as well. Sometimes their behavior can "wear us thin" which is the same as saying that our soul is beginning to "wither." Setting limits protects them and us! Children are much more secure in life if they have comfort in knowing what their limits are. In fact, they feel very much more secure in life than their friends who have no limits at all. True freedom comes from setting boundaries or limits in our life. Everything becomes much more predictable and safe. We begin to cultivate some healthy "flowers" in our life. When we know what to expect because we have clear boundaries, we no longer have to live in anxiety and worry. We are free to enjoy the happiness that is ours for the taking. FAMILY MATTERS November 11, 1997 |
|
Wonderful human beings that we are, we sometimes fall into a pattern of behavior that is called enmeshment, or being "stuck" to another person. It reminds me a little bit of what it must feel like to be a Siamese twin. As we approach our many choices in life, unhealthy allegiances to others restrict us. Just as the Siamese twins cannot be completely independent in their thinking, when we are "stuck" to another, we never really think for ourselves. In a sense we remain somewhat bridled by that other person. Let's take, for an example, that I am enmeshed with my mother and feel guilty if I don't call her every day. Guilt is a clue that you are glued to another person in a somewhat unhealthy manner. Let's also say that because I'm on the phone to her, supper is never ready, I can't listen to my husband or children, or I ignore my responsibilities. Then my enmeshment to her begins to effect the very important relationships I have. My family begins to feel that my mother is more valued than they are. A husband can be enmeshed with his work and spend so much time and energy at work that his wife begins to take second place. A teenager is easily enmeshed with a special friend making it very plain that mom and dad don't matter at all anymore! Women become such good friends with each other that their husbands begin to feel they are more at ease talking with their friends than with their spouses. If someone is jealous, it very well could be that there is an alliance out of balance. Football games, hobbies, or soap operas can even appear to be more important than our primary relationships! Enmeshment, or being "stuck" to another person isn't always seen as a loving connection. Sometimes hate can allow us to be controlled. |
If my dad left my mom when I was just a baby and
never contacted me or even
worse, rejected me, I may hold much hurt in my heart. If my husband had an affair, I may be controlled by a need for revenge. Being overlooked for a desired shift change or promotion can develop into feelings of resentment. Rejection in its' many forms can generate an enmeshed relationship. Choosing to have unprotected sex before we are ready for the commitment and responsibility of parenthood is a good example of enmeshment. Everyone I've ever talked to agrees that it is a stupid choice, but how prevalent is it? This is a choice that may be made out of enmeshment to a parent that has hurt us or a partner that has convinced us that they won't love us if we deny them their desires. Staying depressed and angry with someone who has harmed you is allowing that other person a high level of control in your life. You are giving them permission to throw a gray cloud over your day, rob you of seeing the delights around you, and prevent you from enjoying the richness of healthy relationships. Blind devotion to someone can have the same effect. When we push ourselves to the limits for the one to whom we're devoted doing things for them they can do for themselves, we allow ourselves to become enslaved to the idea that they won't love us if we don't give them everything we think they want. Could we be so devoted to our children? Our church? People at work? Our parents? Our friends? The answer is yes, it's possible. Anytime we make choices that are not best for ourselves or for our husband or children, we may be enmeshed. The only solution to enmeshment is for us to make each small choice based on a principle. The principle is: "In the long run, is this best for me and my primary relationships?" Life is made up of a series of choices. As we begin to make even our little choices based on a set of priorities, we will notice that resentment, bitterness, guilt and depression begin to disappear from our lives. Life is meant to be enjoyed! Choose life! FAMILY MATTERS November 4, 1997 |
You know you're part of a triangle
if:
The problem is that talking with another person doesn't make the problem get better. In fact, it usually gets more complicated. Many times three people become upset rather than just one or two. What's the remedy? If you find yourself pulling someone into your triangle, it's important to say to yourself: "This isn't dealing directly with my problem. I want things to get better, not worse. I choose not to pull another person into a triangle. Triangles only complicate my life, and God knows it doesn't need to be more complex than it is!" Your next step would be to confront the person you are having the problem with and tell them about it (in a nice way.) |
Here's an example: After supper, Carrie wishes her husband would help with the children. He doesn't. If she calls her mom on the phone and says: "Mike is the laziest man I know," she has just pulled her mother into her triangle. Has it helped Mike want to be helpful? I doubt it! How much happier the evening could have been, if she had said: "Mike, I know you love me. It would really mean a lot to me if you would help me fold these clothes. When we're through, maybe we could take some time and relax on the porch." Carrie's mom can play a part in this triangle drama too. She can refuse to join in by simply saying: "Carrie, that's between you and Mike. I don't want to hear it. You need to work it out with him." Some may think they are being rude to talk like this. But, I've discovered that people like to know why we brood and act defensively. Since they can't read our minds, it is up to us to let them know the reasons behind our reactions. Kids are great at trying to bring a parent into a triangle when they are having problems with a sibling. This is a great opportunity for them to learn how to solve problems. When they come whining about what the other child has done, acknowledge that they have a problem, then ask them, "What are you going to do about it?" Help them come up with a solution that is healthy and helps them grow in self-esteem rather than feel hurt and controlled. If there is friction between two people, there's a good chance that another person will soon be pulled in to relieve the tension. It only doubles the tension. Then the person who is pulled in may begin to relate with some hard feelings to the other person in the "triangle" causing even more complications for all those involved. FAMILY MATTERS September 30, 1997 |
|
Could it be that you are in a damaging relationship? Relationships can erode away like the side of a riverbank--grain by grain. But, what kinds of things can cause the erosion of a relationship? It's usually the little things really. Things like the following: 1. You come home and fall on the sofa
to rest while your spouse, who just came home from a day at work,
fixes supper and deals with the children alone.
5. Someone is treated with rudeness or disrespect. 6. Saying one thing--doing another or saying you'll do something and never doing it. 7. Lying about little things 8. Going fishing when your wife wants you to spend the day with her. 9. Pushing someone away when they hug you. 10. Giving no spending money to your family members. 11. Ignoring someone's hurt 12. Telling someone they shouldn't feel "that way." 13. Making a face at something someone has done
for you.
|
There are many other ways--but do
you get the idea? The damage can be
minimized if the damaged person will speak up! If we could say: "I feel
insignificant when you spend all your time with
your hobbies." At least we have communicated how their actions have
affected us. They will no longer be acting in ignorance of how we
react to their choice of behaviors.
Then what? After we've told them our feeling about their behavior, it is our responsibility to request a specific behavior that would please us. Of course, we have to realize and let them know that they have the freedom of choice to fulfill our request. It might go like this: "I'd like to ask that we spend one evening a week together talking for 30 minutes about specific things we can do to help our relationship." (Note how specific your request should be) Now, since they have the freedom of choice--it is your responsibility to let them know what action you will take if they choose not to fulfill your request. "If you choose not to spend time with me each week, I will interpret that as your message to me that you are not interested in our marriage. I will make an appointment for counseling at the Family Life Center. It will be difficult dealing with the realization that you place no value on the 15 years we have spent together." A basic principle to understand is that we can only change ourselves. However, when we can: A. Express
how we feel about what someone says or does to us
|
| Sometimes people "blow up" out of proportion to what
just happened. The event usually leaves all involved somewhat confused.
Those who explode feel bad that they couldn't
contain their anger. The person who was "blown up" at wonders what he or she did that was so awful! Both usually go away with a lot of things unsaid and some hurt tucked away inside. If this sounds familiar, you may be carrying some unknown pain around. Each time we suffer a small hurt, if we didn't talk about
it, we still have it inside us. It still is having an effect on how we
interact with our friends, spouses, children, and bosses or employees.
Let's say that someone raises his or her voice at you. If you don't let
them know how that affects you, he or she may do it again. It is up to
us to let people know how their actions, attitudes and behaviors cause
us to react to them. When that person speaks with a raised voice, irritated-sounding,
we might say something like "It scares me when youtalk in that tone of
voice. I would like to ask you to take a break before talking to me when
you are upset."
|
Many times we just sulk, giving ourselves negative messages.
Those negative messages cause us to perhaps be curt with the next person
we see causing the downward spiral to continue. We can make a difference
in how we feel by being honest with the people that hurt us. Actually,
we are sharing a part of our hearts with them. They can know us better.
The bond between us becomes stronger each time we share how we react to
the things they do and say.
We won't permanently hurt them. In a sense we are being
unselfish with what we hold in our hearts. It works for men, women and
children. Love is enriched when we share in a
|
| Last week forgiveness was mentioned
as one of the remedies for our anger. But, there's so much more to
forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness looks at the past. Reconciliation looks at the future. With time, we can have the gift of forgiveness for the past, but it is based on an agreement that the future will be different from the past. If the behaviors that damaged us were long ago, there are several ways that we can begin to experience a sense of forgiveness. Express your feelings. One of the most effective ways that I've found is to get a notebook or blank book and begin to write about the thoughts and feelings we experienced as a result of the hurt. With the understanding that comes from expressing our thoughts and feelings, we begin to realize that we have a choice. We can choose to distance our self from the hurtful behaviors of another. As long as we continue to allow them to hurt us, they are not suffering the logical results of their actions. Professional Help. Another aid for dealing with the hurts of the past would be to seek professional help. In the counselor's office, we can honestly look at the beliefs that we have developed. Beliefs such as "I will never be able to be happy; I don't deserve to be loved; Nobody loves me; My worth comes from putting up with pain," etc. Those beliefs will be challenged, confronted and changed. Support Groups. The third successful way to get help with the wounds from our pasts is to become involved in some kind of group. Something that brings people together with similar ideas, experiences and dilemmas with the purpose of growing and finding solutions. Below is a list of local groups available. Share this list with your friends. Spiritual Involvement. Forgiveness is a gift from God, or our higher power. When we no longer have the desire for revenge, and are released from the feelings that control us, forgiveness has been completed. Sometimes, this takes years. May you have courage as you begin to deal with your emotional pain. |
997-9356
*Emotions Annonymous *Victims Awareness *Intensive Outpatient Program (those recovering from drug & alcohol abuse) *Divorce Recovery 845-9095 or 845-5924
1-800-662-1002 (24 hrs/day)
423-495-8200 (Memorial Hospital)
845-4250 or 845-0168
845-5924
|
|
Have you ever dumped some garbage in a closet and left it for a month? Just as refuse begins to ferment and become obnoxious to us, our anger, when kept deep inside, becomes putrid and obnoxious to us and those around us. So many little things can cause us just small deposits of anger. But, when our "vessel" gets full, it permeates our being. If someone whom you thought loved you and treated you as unimportant, ignored you, left you out, hurt you, hurt someone else you love, used you, took you for granted, forgot your birthday or anniversary, or disagreed with you, and you keep quiet, each layer erodes into resentment and then flares into anger and eventually deteriorates into hate. As we learn to deal with anger in the important relationships of our lives, we must have two major goals: 1) to preserve the relationship; and 2) grow within ourselves. How? Admit it. When someone even slightly offends us, we will feel less resentful if we confront the problem. I'm not talking about verbally attacking the person. Confronting the problem, not the person, would sound like this: "When there are wet towels on the bathroom floor, I get frustrated. I'd like for you to hang up your towel after your shower, please." See how much better that sounds than, "Get in here and pick up this towel! You'll never find anybody to marry you when you throw your things all over the house!" |
Be Specific. Instead of saying "You make
me so mad!" Let the other person know exactly what it was that bothers
you. "I feel put down when you yell at me in front of others."
"I feel uncared for when you turn the air on in the car when you know I'm
cold." "I'd really appreciate you talking to me when we ride in the
car alone together."
Many times we try to correct the whole world in one breath. It's better to take it one little piece at a time. Negotiate. If what you request is difficult for the other person to do, talk it through. Figure out how both of you can feel like you come out feeling as winners. You both may have to compromise a little. Conflict doesn't work out miraculously by itself. We have to begin talking about the little irritants. Forgive. Some huge deposits of anger can be a result of treatment we received before we had the ability to know how to tell someone how we really felt. Our hurt could be so severe that it takes years to sort out the causes of our anger. Major losses, chronic abuse, neglect, rejections are sources of major anger and hurt that can't be dealt with overnight. Sometimes we need professional help. Anger of any degree can only be "thrown out" of our heart (soul, spirit) with a technique that is not humanly possible. Forgiveness is a process by which we no longer have the desire for revenge, but have turned justice over to a higher power. Forgiveness is a gift from God, or our higher power, however you might see it. Give it a try. Attack the small causes of resentment in your life with this technique and discover the fresh, new feeling of a "trash"-free life. FAMILY MATTERS December 23, 1997 |
| Women are mysterious! This secret about to be exposed
has the potential to really
improve your marriage! Women love to be talked with, really heard, and responded to on an emotional level. It's that simple! I have asked various women around the county, "What one change would you like to make in your husband?" The answer most frequently given is "I wish he'd talk to me more about real life." Here's what she really wants. Look them in the eye and tell them one fact about your day. Then tell them how you FEEL about what happened: "My boss told me I can surely get a lot done in a day's work! That really made me feel rewarded that my working so hard is paying off! Maybe I'll ask for a raise!" When you are riding in the car, talk to her. She is quietly sitting there thinking you don't love her because you are silent! The above question is also a great motivator of conversation around your dinner table with your children as well as your wife. "Tell me something that happened today and how you felt about it." |
Or, another question that wives and kids enjoy is this
one: "On a scale of one to 10 how full is your love tank today? Ten
is full and one is nearly empty."
If it's a very low number, you may discover what has brought it down, or how you can contribute to filling it back up just a little. As parents, one of our responsibilities to our family is to help each member feel loved, secure and have a sense of belonging. Women want to know that you experience hurt, frustration, fear, and anxiety in life, as well as joy, excitement, and hope. If you read something and have a reaction to it.
Talk about it with her. Share that little part of your heart.
Expressing simple emotions to your wife has the potential to magically
change her into a warm, gentle, tender, responsive partner. And I've
never known a man that wouldn't appreciate those qualities!
|
|
Women of the world! You are wonderful, but our husbands can't read
thoughts. We assume it's our fault when we don't feel comfortable.
We think we are supposed to make everybody feel OK and happy.
We don't say what we think because we're trying to protect
everybody from discomfort. But, when we are tired and feel taken
advantage of, it is our responsibility to let others know. When we
begin to have a slight sense of resentment that we are denying our needs
in order for our husband to have everything they need, that is the time
to share what's in your heart. Otherwise, men get mixed messages.
They think women are enigmas because of this trait we have of not saying
what we are thinking, or saying the opposite of what we really feel.
|
If our husband asks if there's something we'd like to
do on a Sunday afternoon and we say, "No, there's nothing special I can
think of," rather than, "I'd really enjoy a walk together instead of just
reading this afternoon." We think men should come to the conclusion
that we intended rather than the one we stated.
Women seem to feel that they should deprive themselves. Maybe they have a burden to be unselfish? But, we are silently communicating to our children that women don't deserve to have an opinion, or respect. As we learn to express our true responses, clearly and precisely, we won't seem quite so mysterious to men. We will all be more satisfied as we become more honest, in a polite, respectful way. Give it a try and let me know how it works. FAMILY MATTERS April 21, 1998 |
| Our behavior is so complex. As we interpret
the many events that occur each day, our feelings develop. Our feelings
determine how we react and respond to other people and situations.
Since we can't change others, and it's difficult to force our feelings,
let's look at the one part of this sequence that we have the power to change.
We can change the "automatic thoughts" we have as we interpret the meaning
of another person's behavior.
. The human brain is far more complex than modern-day computers. We all broadcast messages that no one can intercept or decode. The problem is that the majority of the messages we broadcast are to ourselves, not to others. In order to be understood by others as well as by ourselves, we must understand the inaccuracy of our "automatic thoughts." The triggers can be as simple as silence on the part of someone we need to hear from. It may be the failure to do something we thought they should have done. Or, it may be a very obvious attack on us with words or actions. The majority of the time, in response to the triggers, our "automatic thoughts" are somewhat negative, like: "I'm inadequate," I'm ugly," "Nobody will like me," "I'm stupid," "I'm a failure," "I'm unlovable, "I'm helpless," "I'm out of control," "They'll let me down," "They'll |
leave me." Sometimes these messages are erroneous.
We learned these responses as children. Change of the taped
"automatic thoughts" takes an effort on our part. It's not easy,
but it is possible.
We can either check out with the other person if they really meant what we thought they meant by the way they treated us. Or, similar to putting a picture in a higher quality frame, we look at reality through a higher quality of reasoning. We ask ourselves, "Does the fact that they were ugly to me really mean that I'm not a good person?" "Because nobody asked me to the prom, does that really mean I'm worthless?" "If they break up with me, does that really mean I'm not interesting?" "If we don't argue, does that mean we are really happy?" By looking at the logic and reality of the situation, we can begin to make new "automatic thoughts" that make it easier for us to feel and act happier and nicer to each other. Happiness can be a choice. I'd like to make a collection of some of the "automatic
thoughts" you discover. Could you send them to mcfarlnd@mail.tds.net
|
| Here is what a young mother told me about how she
was able to survive being a mom at 17, finishing high-school, staying married
to the father of the baby, and pursuing a college education. Here
is what she said:
"On learning I was pregnant, I was really sad. My world was coming to an end. Many changes took place. My boyfriend and I both wanted to finish high-school. So we were married and moved in with my in-laws. "After the baby was born, we graduated and soon moved into a trailer. I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. I lost so much sleep I thought I would never feel rested again! "We made the choice to stay married and I chose to go on to college against all odds. Now that college graduation is only a little over a year away, and I've grown up a lot, my future has hope! It has |
taken us more than three years, but I can truthfully
say the last four months have been happy for us as a family.
"Two major factors that have helped me keep from giving up on education and my marriage were the support of my mother and the teen-mom support group leader who became a real friend to me. They gave me something to hang on to and hope for when the winds of strife seemed capable of blowing me over. "After almost four years, we are beginning to see ourselves
as a family mostly because of two concepts learned in the support group.
The first was that I realized decisions in life were mine to make.
I was responsible for my life. The second concept was learning how
to effectively communicate love to my husband and son. He and I are
the two people in the world that will love our son more than anyone else.
We are partners in our responsibility for his nurturance, guidance, and
support. How different my life might have been if I had not involved
myself with this community service."
|
|
Forced into an adult role at 18 and a high- school junior, here are some impressions shared by a young father. On learning I was going to be a father, I was excited and glad! I would have a family and home of my own. My parents had divorced when I was 13. We lived with my mother until after the baby was born so we could both finish school. We were members of the Beta Club and graduated in the top 25% of our class. I ranked as #11. My wife was #12. I was already working and continued working 40-50 hours
a week during my last year in high-school. I'd get home by 10:30
p.m. to midnight and be up by 6:00 o'clock the next morning. I kept
the same friends and stayed active. We spent a lot of money that
first year we were married. Some of our money was spent getting ready
for the baby. I'm not sure where the rest went.
|
One of the hardest things I had to get used to was that
we both had completely different schedules and had very little time to
spend together. We still do our own thing, pretty much. We
don't have a clue what the other is doing when we leave the house separately.
We don't really have much time at all together. I think I expected marriage
to be a little different from what it is, but we are both committed to
marriage and to our son who will be three this summer.
I've learned that it is impossible to change another person. I'd like to have my wife think like I do, see things the way I do. But, she doesn't. However, we both take seriously our commitment to love each other and our son. I know things could be better, but I'm not sure what it would take. Even though I don't think it was a mistake for me to have
become a father at 18 and married, I don't want my son to get hurt
by having to have those kinds of responsibilities too early.
It's not easy.
|
| You may not fully recognize how much power you have to
determine the outcomes of your interactions with family and friends and
the satisfaction you can have from those relationships. Your choice of
attitudes and words can make the difference. Your relationships
sculpt your personality -- determining the kind of person you are.
Only you can decide whether to be the master of your attitudes and words. It is worth the effort. You can understand and love each other better by choosing to practice the technique described below. How we communicate is the problem more often than what we communicate. If the ways we communicate do not work with our partner, then our messages of concern, and hope, and love may not get through. Without clear communication, we can't make our needs known and we cannot negotiate to get them met. If our messages are not given with tact and sensitivity, then others' reactions may block the message we intend to send. It is useful to be honest, respectful, clear and precise, spelling out exactly what we mean. We may not have learned these skills as children. If we could use the beginnings of the following sentences
to tell others when we are uncomfortable, hurt, or beginning to feel resentment,
the miracle of intimacy can be achieved. These work best if you ask
the person you talk with to repeat only what they hear you say after each
sentence (no defenses or disagreements). Then let them have a turn
at using the guide below. Sample endings are included to give you
an idea on how to best use this technique.
|
I notice that you
withdraw when you are upset.
I assume this means you are disgusted with me. I wonder if you really are. I suspect you probably don't want to tell me. On the other hand, I would like to know how I affect you. I resent not knowing what you are feeling and thinking. I am confused because sometimes I don't know what I do that makes you upset. I am hurt by the way you don't talk to me when you are upset. I regret that we have been together so long but still can't tell each other how we really feel. I'm afraid of having a meaningless marriage, and afraid of losing your love. I am frustrated by not knowing what I do that hurts you. I am happier when you tell me in a respectful way what I have done that irritates you. I would like to ask that you use these sentence beginnings to tell me the next time I irritate you. I expect this won't be easy for you. I appreciate so much about you--like how hard you work, and what a good father you are. I realize that this way of talking may be awkward in the beginning. I hope we can work together to move our marriage to a higher level. This technique eliminates the need for mind reading which
is the enemy of clear communication. You can express what you really
feel in a way that doesn't make your partner your enemy. Your relationships
can be built on trust and closeness. Give it a try!
|
| If your job is taking away from the things you really
value in life, like family, you may be climbing the ladder of success,
but hurting what you really love. You may make money and have status,
but is it worth losing the pleasure you get from feeling loved by
your kids and spouse? Live by your priorities.
Slow down and do less. Try keeping a diary of where your time is spent in a week so you can cut out the activities that aren't necessary, enjoyable or satisfying. Relax by practicing deep breathing. Inhale slowly to a count of four, then exhale slowly to a count of four. Do this whenever you're feeling rushed. Practice deep breathing when you're on hold, waiting in line or working on a deadline. Say no. You may find it hard to say "no" when someone asks for your time because you're afraid of causing ill feelings. But you are the only one that has the responsibility to protect your time. Simply, express how you feel, and set the limits for what you can or can't do. Do one thing at a time —
You get the reward of finishing one project instead of having several going
at the same time that never seem to be completed.
|
Trim your budget — You won't
have so much pressure. Pay special attention to what you're
paying for snack food, such as that midmorning 400-calorie muffin and the
250-calorie pick-me-up candy bar at 3:00 p.m. Ask yourself, "Is this making
my life any better?"
Dump the clutter — Deal with
mail and newspapers the minute they arrive. If it's something you
want to keep, put it in your file, not on the kitchen counter.
If you're tempted to hang onto it, ask yourself, "Can I live without this?"
Recharge with a "time out" —
If you're running on empty, you're not productive. Give yourself
a treat and say "I deserve this! It's an investment in my future."
|
| I just finished reading an excellent book entitled "The
shelter of each other" by Mary Pipher. She challenges the thinking
and actions of a community with respect to the responsibility we each have.
We are all accountable for the quality of our community. The children
growing up here become what we cause them to become. What does our
town need in order to best fulfill our responsibility to our young people?
Would it be possible to organize community- wide efforts including our young people to help those who need our help? It's hard to organize the gifts of people we don't know. How can we get better acquainted? Here are my adaptations of some of the suggestions Dr. Pipher gave in her book: Walk outside and visit. Talk to the children in our neighborhood. Ask your waitress about her family. Go to a school board or a Parent- Teacher Organization meeting. Offer to help with athletic events. Volunteer for or organize a group which sponsors regular youth activities. Start community gatherings to walk, talk, play horseshoes, volleyball, chess, etc. Start a ! |
consolidated location to pool toys, books, videos and
information available to the public. Become a mentor!
Our paper can feature teens who volunteer or contribute to our town. We could have a wildlife group that meets for learning or exploring. Telling stories about our local history could be featured. In the beginning of our mid-life, we all have a desire to know we have made a difference in the world. There are three basic components to knowing we have: love, which has been passed on to others; work which has made someone's life a little better; and service to our community. These are the ways we pass our values on from one generation to the next. The highest level of pleasure comes from realizing that we played a part in passing along those values. It gives meaning to our life and work. Don't be afraid to venture out and try something you've
always wanted to get involved in. Start asking questions, making
phone calls, stimulating an interest, and making a difference in the world
around you!
|
| Each of our lives is a work of art. Sometimes
our life resembles a Picasso and is hard to decipher, other times it looks
like an impressionistic work, blurry and unclear.
I have always been drawn to the realistic pieces of art that tell a moving story! I have just about decided the paintbrush for this kind of life is made from honesty! Yet we learn in small ways to be dishonest about our feelings and our opinions. Imagine, the following scene: Your wife is on the phone to a friend often while you are home. It bothers you that she is unavailable to you during the limited time you have together. Nevertheless, you say nothing. What is happening inside your mind and heart? You are beginning to resent having tried to come home on time. You are starting to dislike her friend. This is information your wife deserves to have. Little things like this are what make up life. These little things and how we respond to them compose the "big picture" of our lives. It is our choice how we create that picture. |
The typical responses are to make a remark
that may hurt feelings or to withdraw and act like you don't need her attention
and time. Telling the truth paints
a clearer picture than what we usually do. If we hurt each other
with our words, or if we withdraw, we give the message that we don't care.
When, in fact, we care very much.
What would be so bad about saying?: "You know, I realize you need some friends and I'm glad you are so wonderful that people love you. But, I'm feeling unloved and neglected when you are on the phone very much when I'm home." You have told the truth. Is there anything that can sharpen the picture anymore? What about adding? : "I wonder if you could ask your friend to call before I get home? If you would, I'd feel more important to you and more loved." "If you choose to talk to her after I'm home, that's your choice, but I wanted to let you know that I enjoy your company." FAMILY MATTERS 11-10-98 |
| Around the holidays we all fall into one of three
categories: either we get stressed from being around people we have to
pretend with, or we are lonesome because we've lost or can't be with
special family members, or our holiday is like in the fables--happy
and loving.
Today's column is for the first category. Contact with the bigger family can turn into a learning experience. We can appreciate each other if we can set aside some time to turn off the ball games and talk! What do you talk about? I am going to give you some questions today that can help you appreciate the older generation. It's easy! You have the choice of turning your holiday into a time where you begin to feel closer to each other rather than more distant. Parents can be friends! If you are visiting parents, take these with you. If your children are coming, give them these questions to ask you! Here they are: 1. Ask your parents to finish the following:
|
8. Tell us about the people you loved
before you got married.
9. Tell us about the first time you and mom/dad met, and about your first date. 10. What was it that made you fall in love? 11. How did your parents feel about your marriage? 12. What have been the most difficult times in life? 13. What kept you together, or caused you to split? 14. Are there ways you see your parents in yourself? 15. (If their parents are dead) Did you say all you wanted to your parents before they died? 16. Do you feel you and your parents understand each other very well now? How would you like it to be? 17. What have been the "greatest" times in your life? 18. Have you felt in charge of your life? 19. Who has helped you make your big decisions? 20. What has caused you the most shame in life? 21. Is there one thing you would change about life? 22. Who have been the hardest people to lose? Then, to help your parents understand you 23. Tell each parent separately about the things you appreciate and admire about them. 24. Tell them how you are different from them. 25. Ask them what they like most about you? May your holidays be warm and rewarding as you draw closer to those who made you who you are. FAMILY MATTERS November 17, 1998 |
|
Holidays can be really difficult when we have lost someone special--like a parent, a child, a pregnancy, or a dear friend. However, much of the time we hold our sadness inside. By sharing what we would like for the world to remember about the ones we have loved and lost, our pain can find meaning and relief. Two precious sisters who were twelve and nineteen when their mother died four years ago have agreed to share with us what they want you to know about their mother. Listen to them: "Everybody liked our mom. She smiled all the time--at work, anyway. If she got mad, we would all be laughing an hour later. She loved to "baby" us. I was twelve when she died and she still rocked me whenever I asked! "At church she was a friend to many. She was involved in Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. I believe she would have been chosen as ‘favorite teacher' because of her energy and complete involvement with the kids. "Our mom gave really good advice. She seemed to understand how we felt, our problems at school and our problems with friends. She never jumped to conclusions or judged us without hearing us first. |
Our mother never passed judgement
on our friends. Their color, religion, or sexuality didn't matter
to her. Some of our friends wanted to come by or call our house just
to see or talk to her!
"Friends and family were very important to mom, but she really made family know they were most important. Nothing ever came before us--not work, not household duties, not her friends, not her parents, or siblings. We always felt loved, cared for and that we really belonged to a wonderful family. We hope to pass that gift on to our families when we get married." It's OK to talk about the things we miss and the people we have lost. Keeping our thoughts and feelings only in our hearts and minds makes it harder to get through days and more difficult to confront the hurdles we encounter. By sharing our special memories, we somehow preserve the contribution made in this world by those we have lost. Their memory lives on in our hearts. These special people have helped make us who we are. So, let me encourage you tell someone today about the people you miss this holiday season. Give the gift of sharing and memories and have a merrier Christmas. FAMILY MATTERS December 14, 1998 |
|
The big word is parentification. What it means is that as children,
we begin to have to take on roles traditionally designed for parents.
Have you ever felt like your mother's mom, or husband? Your sister's
parent?
Children who begin to feel responsible for the care and nurturing of siblings or parents cannot meet those needs adequately. It is draining to them because they need much nurturing themselves to mature with self confidence, sound decision-making and positive feelings toward their family. We start acting like parents when our mom or dad fails to hold everything together. Often it happens in homes where alcohol is a problem. Witnessing abuse awakens a major need to bring peace into a chaotic home. The most responsible child will begin trying to protect their weaker parent, or their younger, defenseless siblings. As children are forced into parental roles, they are deprived of a childhood of joyful play, few worries, and freedom to explore and learn about their world. Years later, they begin to realize what they have lost: childhood. Resentment builds. Since the patterns have been well-established, these children grow into adults that are still distracted from their own families as their parent requires protection and care. |
How do we stop this? Abandon them? Partially
neglect our present family and children? No, it is possible to begin
setting limits that allow us to honor our priorities. The longer we wait,
the harder it gets to become untangled from responsibilities that belong
to someone else.
|