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It's
not what... It's who...
Today is the day after taking my son, daughter-in-law
and two-year-old grandbaby to the airport returning to Kelso, Washington.
It was not quite as much fun waking up this morning. I knew that
a little towhead wouldn't be toddling down the steps in his cuddly pajamas
bringing me his clean diaper and a case of wipes to start his morning!
Nobody will want to play duets with them on my new
piano. Nobody will move in rhythm to my ukelele accompaniment while
they play their harmonica. Nobody will need me to read about the
little brown nut hare who wanted to be bigger. My husband MIGHT want
me to take a walk with him, but every rock and piece of trash he finds
by the road will not fascinate him.
Who will mimic my "mmm!" with a meal of oranges
and Rice Krispies that have green and red pieces in them? Who will
fascinate me as they try thirty times to balance a two-ounce baby shampoo
bottle in a large black plastic cooking spoon?
Today, I have no excuse to watch Barney.
No one to come with open arms when the theme song begins for the hug and
kiss!
Nobody will want to play "Follow the leader."
No one I can read to with animation! Nobody
to clap when I hit a great wiffle ball shot with my golf-club! This
precious child wanted loved being with others all the time!
So, what is my purpose in telling all of this?
I want your grandchildren to get the love and attention that you would
give them if you only saw them every three months! They are so fascinating.
They are so full of discovery and wonder.
Children can infuse something special into our souls.
If we absorbed it all, perhaps the house wouldn't look quite so neat, or
the dishes would have to wait, or a pet project would be delayed.
But, I can guarantee you--being a part of the joyful
wonder changes you. It is a privilege to watch a child discover a
world of language, physics, biology, and most of all, relationships.
Love and enjoy the children in your life.
It's not what we have. It's who we have that
makes our lives worth living. If you don't have a child in your life--find
one to love. There are plenty to go around!
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Good things
from the web
I hear a lot of concern about the internet
and the terrible things that can be found.
But, like many things in life, we can find
what we're looking for. It's our choice. The following is something
I received recently via e-mail and decided to share it with you.
"BUTTERFLY KISSES"
We often learn the most from our children.
Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his
3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money
was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate
a box to put under the tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl
brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is
for you, Daddy."
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his
anger flared again when he found that the box was empty.
He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when
you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something
inside of it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears
in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses
into the box. All for you, Daddy."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around
his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness.
The father kept that gold box by his
bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary
kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as parents
has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses
from our children. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
We have the choice to recognize the special
gift in each of our children, or to neglect it and damage that gift.
Let your child know how precious and unique they are by spending time and
energy with them.
It will come back to you!
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What
is wrong with my teenager?
Over the Internet, our teens are describing the miserable
feelings they have to strangers.
I did a computer search using the words "teenage
depression" and obtained ten pages of letters from teens begging for help.
Thedespair is summarized below:
"I feel down, lonely, and afraid I'll be alone all
my life. It's like I don't have a heart. I'm drained,
terrified, and dark on the inside. I feel lost, like I don't belong or
fit in. I cannot speak up. I feel helpless, worthless, hopeless,
and out of control. My life is hell. I'm such a mess!
I don't deserve anything. Nobody loves me. No one cares or
wants to talk to me. I feel ugly. I must not be good enough for others.
I have almost given up on life. Death scares me, but I think I would
be better off dead. Nobody would miss me if I died. My parents
don't care, so I pretend not to care, but I am really hurting. I
feel like I have let my family down. I don't do anything anymore.
The world is crashing in around me! I know I could be more but I
just cannot put anything into action."
Parents do not hear most of this. Teens suffering
from depression will have a lack of energy, appetite and ambition.
Their memory and ability to concentrate are poor. As a result their
grades fall and they drop out of school. At home they may isolate themselves
in their room, pretending to be fine while hurting inside. Seeing
the sparkle gone from their eyes is apparent if we take time to talk to
them. Look closely--there may be tears in their eyes.
Depression kills. The suicide rates
are increasing for teens. Depression is the number one cause for
a child to feel that death is better than life. As adults, we have
a responsibility to get help for our hurting children. Depression
is one of the easiest disorders to treat and has an outstanding success
rate. Teens do not have to be miserable.
I f you or someone you care about may be suffering
from this disorder, please ask your physician to evaluate your teen for
depression. Besides medication, counseling or therapy improves the
success of the medication. In therapy they can learn new ways
to look at problems they face, and new ways to deal with those who are
troubling to them.
Next week's column will discuss what the teens
blame for their depression and what we as their parents can do to make
their lives a little more rewarding and joyful.
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The
gift of a future
As promised, this column
will discuss what teens blame as some causes of their depression and what
we as their parents can do to bring a little more contentment and peace
into their lives.
While some factors were beyond their control, like "breaking up,"
many teens that wrote in for help placed some blame for their depression
onto things that could be changed.
Many teens said their parents didn't really care about them.
The way parents would yell around the house and abuse each other and the
children sent the message that they were not good or wanted. Frequently
they yearned for someone to talk to; someone who would listen to them.
With the high divorce rate, many depressed teens were dealing
with new relationships and conflicts between families and previous marriage
partners. Conflict drains our children.
Losses through death, moving, divorce, breakups, betrayal by
friends was mentioned frequently. With each physical loss we also suffer
the loss of a dream.
Many teens described how parents and peers called them names
and made fun of them. They felt isolated and misunderstood and very
unloved.
As adults who touch teenagers' lives, we have the opportunity
to shape an environment that helps make life worth living.
How we talk to them and the others in our family communicates their value
in life.
It is highly important that we emotionally connect with our teens.
We must show an interest in what they are interested. Protect them
from sibling, peer, or parental abuse, verbal or physical.
Teens need to be able to trust in order to become successful
adults. In a divorce, please don't let your child feel abandoned!
Stay in touch, send cards, make calls, let them know how wonderful they
are to you. Build up their other parent. Learn new ways to
express when you disagree.
Refuse to raise the level of your voice or speak hurtful
words. It's OK to be angry, but anger can be managed in peaceful
ways.
With love and understanding, let them suffer consequences for
their poor choices. Harsh words and tough punishments put resentment
and bitterness in their hearts.
While some depression is simply a genetic disorder, easily corrected
with medications, the severity and prevalence of depression can be reduced.
As we talk to our teens with peace and understanding, listening,
and spending time with our teens, they can deal with their depression with
a greater strength. If you can't make the needed changes, get help.
You hold the gift of their future.
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Discipline
is great!
Question: Why is it a good idea to discipline a child?
Discipline is good for a child because it teaches or gives the following
advantages:
Security. Discipline communicates the limits others have.
As children recognize and respect those limits, they begin to feel safe
and protected from the hurt that could come from others as well as the
damage that results from holding negative emotions such as resentment and
bitterness.
Responsibility. Logical consequences, when we step over
those limits, teach us of the responsibility we carry for our choice of
behaviors. As we interact with larger groups in the world, we will
have learned to respect the boundaries of other people and realize that
the way we treat others can contribute to a smoother life for ourselves.
Self-control. Without this valuable character trait, we
are more likely to encounter problems in many areas of life because we
can't limit ourselves.
We develop problems like addictive behaviors, unwanted
pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, automobile accidents, credit-card
debt, violence, financial difficulties, instability in our jobs and schoolwork.
Love. Without discipline, children grow up to be obnoxious
and annoying to the majority of people. They begin to feel like they
don't have many friends. Their marriage partner will likely get frustrated
with them and begin to resent them. Others will have a hard time
being loyal to someone who is unreliable.
That is, unless they have some big problems, too.
Respectful Attitude. Respect is a necessary ingredient in any
relationship.
Life is worth living only because we have satisfying relationships.
Our happiness or dissatisfaction with life is determined by the
people who we live with, work with, are friends with, or are related to.
On the whole, discipline makes life less complicated and imparts
satisfaction and reward. Respectful discipline allows children to
learn from their good choices as well as their mistakes.
Discipline is not the same as punishment. Discipline is teaching
children through logical consequences.
If you have specific questions regarding discipline, feel free
to send them to the address below.
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Growing
up late
Do we as a society have anything to do with our children remaining
home past the age of 25? What makes them glad to come back home several
years after forming their own family? They may be "growing
up," but it seems later and later.
Could it be we have such a happy home they just can't stay away?
Do they know they face less responsibility and ease when they come home?
Growing up late happens many times because we don't want them
to "have it as hard" as we did when we stepped into the real world.
We carry their responsibilities for them. We pay the rent, the insurance,
the car payment, the groceries, and entertainment for them after they are
holding a job and earning a good income.
Indulgence allows our children not to suffer the consequences.
We take on added stress while they have a responsibility-free life.
If they drop out of high-school, they feel they should be able to come
and go as they please since they have a job, but they aren't willing to
help with the rent and groceries.
When we make it easy for them to take the easiest path, they'll
walk down it. Their future may be much more difficult because we
want to "make it easier" on them today. A few examples of growing
up late follow:
Credit card debt: Buying more than the budget allows always catches
up with us eventually. When it has to be reconciled, the pain and
regret can be devastating. Learning as a child to stay within a designated
budget could have prevented many credit problems in adulthood.
Job Difficulties: Job-hopping and dissatisfaction with work responsibilities
reflects a generalized tendency toward seeing the world negatively.
Bosses of adults aren't likely to let us "off the hook" for behaviors that
don't contribute to the health of their company. During childhood
we learn to respect the time and property of others. That respect
translates into honorable work habits that don't rob from our employees
by calling in sick when we're well, taking drinks without paying, etc.
Relationship Problems: Estrangement, divorce, abuse, and domestic
violence are reflections of patterns learned during childhood. They
were watching our arguing, fighting, and disrespect. So much of the
misery of today could have been prevented if we could see ahead to the
consequences of our choices yesterday.
Look ahead! We all have a responsibility to the future of the
next generation! Let us help save our children from the pain of growing
up late.
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Cycle
of Violence
The Littleton, Colorado school
killings underline a major problem our society is facing. The remedy
for violence in schools is not police or gun control. The solution
is for us to treat each other with respect and dignity.
If those boys had felt accepted at home and
school, they likely would not have joined the trench-coat mafia. They are
not the only ones to blame. Peers who may have criticized, threatened,
intimidated, controlled and blamed them, withholding love are also at fault.
Inhumanity to man breeds violence.
As a community, how can we pull together to
prevent such an occurrence here?
LOVE given to our children keeps them in the
middle of the road. They need the message of their value to
us. That means we stay in touch with them. We do things with
them; praise them for their unique traits; and expose them to the
bigger families (relatives, church, school, and community).
LIMITS AND CONSEQUENCESclearly stated
and consistently carried out provide security and comfort.
RESPECT AND VALIDATIONallow our children to
express their emotions and opinions knowing we will listen and understand.
They will feel valued.
TRUST AND SUPPORT communicate that we believe
in our children. We give them freedom of choice to step over limits,
knowing they have a consequence on the other side of the line.
HONESTY, with kindness, telling how
we are affected and influenced by each others behavior, gives clear choices.
We can either choose to please or irritate each other when we get honest,
kind reactions from those around us.
ACCOUNTABILITY allows our children to realize
their responsibility for their actions. They come to know that for
every action there is a predictable reaction.
RESPONSIBILITY adds to feeling valuable.
We all can help in chores around the house that keep it operating.
We need to share work and responsibility for making decisions. Then we
can share the joys, too. Simply BEING responsible ourselves transmits responsibility
to the next generation.
FAIRNESS and being willing to listen and negotiate
with our children in areas of conflict is vital. This can defuse
the anger and rage that grow into the volcanic eruption of such behaviors
as witnessed recently.
We all play a part in the horrible scenes
that seem so senseless to us. If we witness that which cultivates
violence, do something about it! Let's all participate in preventing
such atrocities in our community.
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Violent
Children
Violence in our children and
adolescents is a troubling issue. Parents, teachers, and other
adults need to understand this problem.
Children as young as preschoolers can show
violent behavior. Parents often hope they will "grow out of it." Violent
behavior in a child at any age always needs to be taken seriously.
Violent Behavior can include explosive
temper tantrums, physical attacks, fighting, threatening, or attempts
to hurt others. They may use weapons, be cruel to animals, set fires,
or destroy property and vandalize.
Research about violence has shown many
factors that increase the risk of children becoming violent. Some
factors are: witnessing or being a victim of physical or sexual abuse;
exposure to violence on TV or in movies; use of drugs or alcohol; having
guns in the home; stress in the family, such as not having enough money
to pay the bills and buy groceries, divorce of parents, having only a single
parent, parents being unemployed, or losing a significant, supportive relative
or friend.
"Warning signs" for violent behavior
in children include acting out intense anger, being extremely irritable,
impulsive, or frustrated. If you notice these, having your child
evaluated by a professional is advisable. Parents and teachers should
not overlook these behaviors in children.
Children can control their
anger by learning to express it in acceptable ways. They learn to
be responsible for their actions when adults use reasonable, simple, valuable,
practical consequences. The conflicts at school and at home must
be dealt with. Violence leads to violence.
If you are concerned about future
violence, these ideas can help you. Sign up for parenting classes or family
support programs by calling the Dekalb Children's Advocacy Center.
Make an appointment for evaluation at any
of the mental health agencies. Counseling and strategies to combat
problems such as conflict and faulty communication which leads to violence
are very helpful.
As parents, you have the responsibility and
choice to monitor the viewing of violence by your children.
Teachers have the responsibility to notice,
control, and report name-calling, threats, and leaving children out at
school. Teachers and parents can both teach children to be more sensitive
to the feelings of others. They can instill consequences; express
their disappointment and intolerance for hurtful behaviors; and direct
children to deal with anger in positive ways.
We must each recognize our responsibility
in contributing to the hurt others experience. Instead of tolerating this
destructive problem, we can each become active in resolving the violence
in our world.
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Defeating
the Bully
Children dread seeing them. Teachers would like
to ignore them. Much of the damage they inflict quietly simmers over
years of time. Bullies partly shape our personalities!
How can we defeat the menacing bully?
How can we help our children deal with them in the most constructive, respectful
way?
First, we have to understand that the bully
is insecure and hurting. People, who are willing to hurt others,
have themselves been hurt.
Perhaps they live in an abusive home.
Maybe others have often made fun of them.
Typically, as humans, when we are hurt, we
hurt back. When bullies call us a name, we try to come up with one
that is equally offensive.
Sometimes, we just brood and begin to believe
the message the bully is trying to deliver.
Often we withdraw and keep the hurt inside
to damage us for years to come.
Wouldn't life be much more comfortable if
we could eliminate the bullies of the world? What are some strategies
that might make a difference?
Transformation of the bully might result when
we have our children try something different in response to the mean efforts
of the bully.
What would happen if our kids learned to say
things like?:
"I'm flattered that you have spent so much time
thinking about me to come up with that creative name you just called me!"
"You know, you have a right to your opinion
of me, but I see it differently!"
"My mom told me that when someone like you
gives so much attention to people like me that you must really like me!"
What might result if we encouraged our children
to begin doing kind things for the bully?
They might offer to sharpen the bully's pencil
at school. They could take some bite- sized granola bars and
offer to share them with the bully. What about including them in
an activity with others? Lending a favorite CD or tape?
Over time, doing something different from
what has been done in the past WILL bring new results. It is a law
of human nature.
However, when we continue reacting the same
way, we will continue getting the same results.
Let's help our children defeat the bullies!
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Give
respect in order to get respect
Maybe I'm not adjusting well to being old
enough to play in senior golf tournaments. Maybe I'm old-fashioned.
But, I'm somewhat bothered by the disappearance of something I've come
to expect out of others over the years. Respect and integrity are
still evident but in reduced levels.
Respect is the quality that gives value to
other human beings. Since this is something we all need, why are
we letting it vanish?
Respect comes from fairness, a lack of prejudice,
and consideration for others. Respect gives us a sense of safety
and security.
Integrity is what makes it possible to trust
others. We would like to know that when we get work done on our house,
it will be high quality. When we purchase a car, we would like to
know we are being dealt with honestly.
When we confide in a friend, we need to know
it won't be shared with anyone else. Education of our children
is expected to be done in an attitude that sparks their desire to learn
and contributes to the value they need to survive in the real world.
So, what can we do to perpetuate these values?
To revive these qualities for the next generation?
We can accomplish this task one child at a
time. It is only as we treat our children with respect and dignity
that they will be able to treat others with respect.
As they see us interact with others with utmost
integrity in our dealings, they will tend to deal with others in the same
way. That means our taxes reflect our cash earnings.
It means we don't talk about trying to cheat others out of what is theirs.
It means we take a stand for our values and
stick with them.
When we have a hurtful reaction to someone,
our children will see us confront the situation with kindness and honesty.
They witness taking care of our health by eating healthfully and getting
enough rest. Our children will sense the boundaries we have set to
protect them and the love we have for them. Most of all, our
children will learn to act with dignity and integrity when they sense that
we really love them because we are asking often: "What one thing can I
do today that will let you know that I really love you?"
After their response, our children will see
us make an effort to spend a little more time with them talking, playing
games, doing projects with them. They'll see us back off of our nagging
and criticism.
Perhaps they'll experience a team effort for
the big projects they are responsible for--like cleaning those bedrooms!
It just could be that their soul is soothed by the fact that we begin to
hug them more, or cuddle with them when they need it the most.
There are many ways to convey these most positive
attributes to the next generation. We have the privilege to shape
our future!
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Teen
eating disorders
Overeating related to stress, unhealthy
habits and food fads are common problems for youngsters. However, two psychiatric
eating disorders, anorexia nervosa and bulimia, disrupt the lives of
teens and young women.
In the United States, as many as one
in 10 young women suffers from an eating disorder. These
disorders are identified by a preoccupation with food and a distorted image
of their body.
Unfortunately, many teenagers can hide these
serious and sometimes fatal disorders from their families for months or
years. Parents can be on the lookout for symptoms and warning
signs of anorexia nervosa and bulimia.
ANOREXIA NERVOSA
A young person with anorexia nervosa is typically
a perfectionist and a high achiever in school. At the same time, she suffers
from low self-esteem, hanging on the belief that she is fat no matter
how thin she becomes. She has a desperate need to feel control over her
life. That comes when she says "no" to the normal food demands
of her body. In a relentless pursuit to be thin, she starves herself. This
often reaches the point of serious damage to the chemical balance of her
body, and in a few cases may lead to death.
BULIMIA
The bulimic binges on huge quantities of high-caloric
food. Then, she empties her body of dreaded calories by causing herself
to vomit and/or have diarrhea by using laxatives. Severe restrictions
may replace the heavy eating binges of eating. A dramatic weight
fluctuation may be the tipoff to parents.
These young people may try to disguise the
sounds of throwing up by turning on the water. They will likely spend
long periods in the bathroom. The vomiting and diarrhea cause a serious
threat to her health. She may become dehydrated, develop an imbalance in
hormones, and deprive herself of important minerals. All of this
can cause damage to vital organs.
With intense treatment, most teenagers can
be relieved of the symptoms or at least can be helped to control eating
disorders.
Treatment for eating disorders usually requires
a team approach; including individual therapy, family therapy, working
with a family physician, nutritionist, and by taking medication.
Teens with these disorders often suffer from depression, anxiety, and substance
abuse as well. It is important to recognize and treat these
problems as well.
Research shows that early identification
and treatment lead to more favorable outcomes. Parents who notice symptoms
of anorexia or bulimia in their teenagers should ask their family physician
or pediatrician for a referral to a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
One who works comprehensively in the treatment of eating disorders
and is part of a team will improve the chances of your teen having
a healthy, happy future.
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Lying
should be addressed
When our children lie, we become concerned.
Sometimes, lying is normal behavior. Youngsters of 4 or 5 often tells
some tall tales. They have a hard time knowing that something imagined
is not real.
An older child or adolescent may tell a lie
to avoid something unpleasant such as chores or discipline.
If parents overlook these incidents, the child begins to believe that avoiding
taking responsibility for their behavior is OK. The child needs to
be confronted lovingly. The act is bad, not the child. It is a great
opportunity to talk about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.
Some will lie to prevent others from having
hurt feelings. Being honest when others have offended or hurt us
is usually the best policy. Honesty does not have to be hurtful.
Adolescents may lie to protect their privacy
or to help them feel that much-desired independence. For example,
they may deny they slipped out late at night with their friends, or deny
they care when they miss something they really wanted. Establishing
the fact that they can handle the world is an important accomplishment
for this age group.
However, lying may suggest emotional problems.
The following examples are troublesome. Parents would do best to
take an action if they notice these examples.
Elaborate stories. Some children, who
know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell stories that seem
believable. Much enthusiasm that gains much attention is typical for children
and adolescents who choose this method.
Lying for simplifying. Other children
or adolescents, who seem responsible in most parts of their life, fall
into a pattern of lying repeatedly.
They feel that lying is easier
than dealing with life's demands. These young people are usually not trying
to be bad or malicious but the pattern of lying becomes a bad habit.
Lying without guilt. There are also
some who feel no guilt or remorse at misrepresenting the truth.
Lying to cover up a serious problem becomes common and leads to more problems.
For example, an adolescent with a drug or
alcohol problem will lie repeatedly to hide the truth about where they
have been, who they were with, what they were doing, and where the money
went that they borrowed from you.
What to do?
Model honesty. Parents are the most
important role models for honesty to their children. When a child or adolescent
lies, parents should take sometime to have a serious talk and discuss some
possible consequences to dishonesty. Use illustrations to make your
points. The "Wolf, Wolf" story is a classic.
Love and attention. If children know
they can get attention when honest and are loved despite the dislike
of lies, the "need" to lie may be reduced.
"Defeat the monster." Talk with your
child about the lying monster that is getting them into trouble.
Plot together to see what plans you can come up with to defeat this big
enemy of harmony and happiness!
Get help. If a child or adolescent has
a pattern of lying which is causing serious problems and is repetitive,
professional help may be needed. It may be a symptom of a bigger
problem.
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Baby's brains depend on us
Recent brain development research reveals
that a baby's brain develops best when the baby has the same, nurturing
caregiver during the first three or four years. If the opportunity
is missed, some learning connections can never be formed.
Growth of about 100 billion brain cells to
form 500 trillion connections in a baby's brain are made most healthfully
when the baby enjoys a calm, soothing setting and experiences secure holding,
caressing and audio and visual stimulation.
When we talk directly and gently, brain
connections form. Insulation begins developing that allows future
concentration and learning to be the best possible. As important,
emotional and physical health will also become more stable.
Think how much a brain has to learn from birth
to the age of three! At first, all they can do is cry, kick their
arms and legs, coo, and eat. Only thirty-six months later, they are
walking, running, climbing, jumping, talking, thinking and even possess
a little self- discipline.
When a child is raised in an unpredictable,
chaotic, violent environment, the brain responds by forming poor connections
and insulations around the nerve connections.
So, what can we do to create the absolute
best possible brains in our babies?
Stay home with our babies for the first three
or four years if possible. During that time, sing to, read to them,
talk to them and give them all the gentle care we can. Touch them
gently. Correct them kindly. Play what they are interested in playing.
Say what you see your child doing. Their speech and reading levels
will be strengthened.
Reduce confusion by turning off the television,
keeping a stable routine, forming some rituals around mealtime and family
time. Be predictable in your reactions to them. Their concentration
ability will be higher.
Stimulate their natural curiosity by hiding
and seeking, asking questions as they grow older, giving safe experiences
and choices, and allowing them to explore their world safely. If
we do things that cause them to fear, they will not want to explore with
that curiosity built into them. Their desire to learn will be unquenchable.
Include others in the life of your child.
Family, friends, and church or community families all contribute to feelings
of belonging, a necessary possession of a child who will grow to feel self-confident
and assured. They will get along better with others as they mature.
So, as you parent, grandparent, or give childcare,
keep in mind that every child's future is made secure in those first few
years. As you put bright, colorful images in front of your baby,
as you talk, touch, sing and interact in consistent, calm manners, perhaps
you are laying the foundation for the next Einstein!
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Parenting: the gift of
promises
Three young ladies and their mother were at
a restaurant I visited in another city. They were friendly
and talkative with each other. Knowing that most parents teach their
children not to talk to strangers, I thought I would test them. They
were discussing their uncle's upcoming wedding that was the reason for
their travel.
The young ladies responded as if they had
known me some time. With their mom close they were secure.
We carried on the discussion about readiness for marriage and opinions
they held. Their answers suggested that adults had given
them the gift of listening to them in the past. They were sure that
their answers to my questions were going to be considered and accepted
as valid.
During my meal, I watched as this family,
minus the father, interacted together. As I was finishing, I had
to go over to their table and ask one of the girls some questions.
I thought they might have wisdom to share. Only one question did
I have. Though her daddy could not be on the trip, I knew he was an involved
dad. So, I asked her: "What one thing does your dad do that convinces
you that he loves you?"
Her answer gave me a great piece of wisdom.
She said "He always does what he says he will do. When he says he
will take us for a boat ride, he does. When he says he will ride
bikes with us, he does."
Parenting is the best gift we can give our
children. The activities may not seem all that important, but we
are giving valuable messages to these precious, evolving individuals.
Those messages are what give them the confidence and esteem to take on
the realities and challenges of the world.
Our consistency in parenting is one of the
most important characteristics toward which we can work. If we say
there will be a consequence of a choice, we can make that consequence become
a learning tool. If we promise a reward, we must attempt to fulfill
that reward.
Every time we fail to meet a commitment we
have made to a child, we have created a tiny hole in their love tanks.
Then, as we try to fill them with love, that love begins to leak through
the holes we have created.
Preventing the leaks is easier than to try
to patch them up with therapy and medications later in life. I guess
the word is integrity. Say what we mean, and mean what we say.
Do what we say. This is perhaps among the best gifts we can give
to our children. As I witnessed in the hearts of children, who were
strangers to me--it really pays large dividends.
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How to deal with school
phobias
When a child does not want to go to school, school professionals
often assume the reason lies at home. Perhaps the child is afraid to leave
home out of an unrealistic belief he or she must stay behind to mind the
store, or to guard against some danger. The belief is that the child feels
unbearably anxious unless he or she stays home, where the parents' well-being
may be confirmed.
On the other hand, the child's parents may search for something
in school that has intimidated their child. A school psychologist understands
that school avoidance is probably the result of many factors, and the child
may be reacting to both home and school stressors.
Current thinking about school phobia suggests some children refuse
to attend school because they fear being separated from a parent.
This occurs more with children who have suffered from loss through divorce,
death, moves, or feeling abandoned in some way. Mostly school phobia
effects younger children who are less accustomed to being away from home.
Most of the children who refuse school are between 8 and 13 years
old. About one or two out of every 100 children suffer from this phobia.
Most are depressed, and many do have separation anxiety. Some are
dependent, while others are great at manipulating their parents. Phobias
occur after an absence from school because of vacation or illness. Some
develop a school phobia when they transfer to a new school.
These children are trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Children
with a school phobia tend to be sensitive and overactive. They are
uncomfortable talking about and dealing with their emotions. They may be
afraid of being criticized, tested, or graded. A school activity truly
frightens a few, such as riding the school bus or attending an assembly.
Many of these children do attend school but with great discomfort.
They tend to be highly anxious and lack the skills needed to handle social
interactions. Perhaps they have had negative experiences in the past and
are afraid something more will happen.
Children may find school events so stressful that they begin
to withdraw, become aggressive, moody or anxious. Any child who does
not want to go to school is stressed. A stressed child grows up to
be an anxious, stressed adult.
Next week we will discuss some strategies that have the best
possibility to resolve a school phobia.
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Helping a child afraid
of school
In helping the school phobic child, some strategies can bring the least
amount of fear and stress to children.
Bring the child to school. It is important that parents
not allow the child to stay at home. Fears are overcome by facing them
as soon as possible. By working with the school team to develop strategies,
some discomfort will be resolved. School attendance is not negotiable.
Being hesitant only heightens the problem.
Be optimistic. Reassure your child that he will feel better
after he gets to school.
Be extra firm. At first, school mornings may be a difficult
time. Never ask your child how she feels. Only complaining follows.
If they are well enough to be up and around the house, they are well enough
to go to school. If your child complains of physical symptoms, send
them to school with little discussion. If illness develops, the school
will evaluate your child.
If your child is late and misses the
school bus, have another plan for transportation.
Show understanding. Sometimes a child may cry and scream and
absolutely refuse to go to school. One parent or relative may be
better at enforcing this. Ask for their help. Let the most
firm but loving take charge of this for a few days.
Ask for help! Because of the frequency, school professionals
are usually very understanding about school phobias. Your child can lie
down for a few minutes at school to regroup before returning to the classroom.
Anything is better than going home.
Talk to the teacher. If your child has special fears
like being called on or reciting in class, the teacher will usually make
special allowances for these fears.
Talk with your child about their fears. Discover what they believe
about the situation. Discover strategies to reduce the fear.
Listen carefully, and understand feelings. But school attendance
is mandatory. Invite other children. Planning playtime
with others can help the children to look forward to being with their friends
at school. Children with this phobia often prefer time with
parents than time with peers.
Focus on the positive. Rather than focusing on the problem
of the phobia, begin to notice the good things your child does. The
help they give others, their cheerfulness, their cooperativeness.
Solving this problem is best done by including everyone involved
with the child. Handling this problem in a prompt, consistent, positive
manner can help future learning become an adventure.
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Should you stress when everyone else is doing
it?
"But, Mom! Everybody has one!"
"Why can't I go? Everybody is going to be there!"
Have you ever heard anything like that?
What is your first reaction?
Do you feel guilty that you can't give your
offspring everything they want? Do you resent the parents of
"everybody else" for making life difficult for you? How can parents
deal with this common behavior in ways that feel good for all involved?
As parents, we must remind ourselves that
our children are learning to control the world around them. If whining
and begging and giving guilt can manipulate you into giving them what they
want, they begin to believe these methods are successful.
Adults have the same need for control that
children do. Therein lies the problem. Two people are struggling
for control. How can we both become winners?
Parents and children both win when youngsters
learn self-discipline and self- control. So, how can we nurture the
development of self-control?
We give them the freedom to choose.
However, we also share the consequences of all choices with them BEFORE
they make the choice. As they make healthy choices, they are filled
with self-esteem and self- confidence. As esteem and confidence rise,
they begin to make better choices on their own.
For instance, they may want name- brand clothes.
Give them a reasonable clothing allowance. Let them experience a little
deprivation when they spend their money all on one item and are unable
to purchase other necessities.
If they want a car, get excited with them
about which car they want. Begin helping them make plans to get jobs
that can finance a portion of the car. Share with them some of the
costs of operating automobiles. Privileges of mobility come with
responsibility. They need to clearly understand the consequences
that will await them if ever there is a ticket or an accident that is their
fault.
If they desire going to movies, or on outings,
tell them you are glad for them to get to go, but communicate that their
allowance will go toward the expenses.
Simply wanting to go to a "party" or to someone's
house all the time is another privilege which can be earned by sharing
the responsibilities of the house. As they learn responsibility,
they learn that privileges are valuable.
We as human beings are our own worst critics.
As our children earn respect from others, they will begin to respect themselves
and become wonderfully, mature, productive citizens of our great nation.
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How teens can 'coach' their
parents
QUESTION: I'm a teen. How can I get my parent's
to cooperate when I want privileges and friends that they don't support?
Conflict between parents and teens is common.
The sincere desire for acceptance by friends while also feeling loved
by parents provides the opportunity for teens to "coach" their parents.
As human nature goes, several principles
govern the harmony of parent-teen relationships.
* Force and manipulation has never been
the most successful way to get others to do what they don't want to do.
* Negotiation and compromise are
great goals for you and your parents. That is most likely if
you relate with respect and consideration.
* At this time in your life, friends are very
important. If your friends are the issue, friends that are making the wrong
choices usually have more power over us than we have over them.
Think of your future.
*As teens, life is much happier for us when
we honor our parents. So, I would suggest that you ask them
what it would take for them to be willing to allow what you are requesting.
* Parents usually act out of concern for you.
You are their most important responsibility in life. Their advice
and opinion are usually in your best interest. Listen to what they
say.
*Wanting complete independence is normal at
this point in your life. Responsibility ideally accompanies independence.
Offer to take extra responsibilities for the privileges you feel you deserve.
* Realizing that your parents have gained
so much wisdom in their extra years of life is hard to accept. Nevertheless,
sit and ask them if they ever felt like you are feeling when they were
your age. Ask them what they would have done in your situation.
Listen to what they say. They were a lot like you were 20 years ago.
* When you feel overprotected, tell
your parents you need to be able to make some bigger decisions in
life. That's how we learn about life's difficult consequences.
Ask them what they fear most and offer to accept a painful consequence
if that fear ever becomes real.
* If you can learn the following sentence,
the excellent cooperation you can get from your parents will really surprise
you! "I understand that you don't want me to do this. I also
know how much you love me. So, I will not beg or whine to get what
you don't feel is best for me. Would you let me know what it would
take to gain this privilege?"
Negotiating some things with your parents
will be good practice for your future marriage and employment!
They will ALWAYS be your family. You will need them throughout your
life. It's always easier if we don't shut them out of our life.
Parents can be on our team. It takes
some effort on our side to "coach" them and teach them what we need from
them. They really do love you and want what is best for you.
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Ownership is a key to
solving many problems
The most universal complaint of parents
revolves around the appearance of their child's room. They aren't
organized or neat? Looking at this problem closely reveals the main
responses are: "What if somebody outside our family saw it?" "I'm uncomfortable
knowing how messy that room is!" and "they can't ever find
anything!"
Is there a remedy? Yes. We can
give our children the problem rather than carrying it for them. Or,
we can change the way we see the condition of their room.
GIVING OWNERSHIP. Who owns the problem
when they can't find their shoes, socks, underwear or a certain outfit?
Often, we as parents feel it is our responsibility to solve our children's
problems. They grow in their ability to solve problems if faced with
discovering a solution for themselves. "Going barefooted to school
would be embarrassing! What WILL you be able to do about it?"
This approach lets your child know that you trust them to discover a logical
solution to the problem they have created.
CHANGING OUR ATTITUDE. The other choice
may be so uncomfortable for some that it isn't possible. However,
when we put the bedroom in perspective, the state of that one room in our
house becomes less disturbing.
What is MOST important in your parenting?
Is it to have a clean room to show others? Or is it to show love
to those precious children for whom we are responsible?
If our only solution is to nag and communicate we can't really
love our children unless they have a clean room, I would choose the messy
room.
That would lead us back to figuring out ways
we can give them ownership of the problem of a neat room. If it's
not a problem to them, they have nothing to solve, right? So, perhaps
we must attach a reasonable, simple, valuable, logical consequence if a
room doesn't pass daily inspection. Afternoon snacks if the
room passes inspection? No snacks if it doesn't? A back-rub
if it passes, only a story if it doesn't pass. For teens, it may
be the privilege of driving the car to visit a friend if the room is representative.
No driving if it's not. See how many choices you can create?
When their room isn't the way you want it,
we don't say "Ha! Guess you don't get what you wanted!" Instead,
we say "I know you're disappointed, but it was your choice. That's
OK. Your room is evidently comfortable for you. Life consists of
choices."
Oh, lest we forget--our example in the rest
of the house is another way to inspire them to feel uncomfortable in chaos.
See what you can do to make this country a little neater.
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There is no such thing
as a single parent
One out of two children spends some time growing
up in single parent homes. Yet, after a divorce, children still have
two parents. If they abandon their child, they were probably so damaged
from their past, that they had difficulty choosing what was most important,
their children, or their comfort. Depriving our children of a healthy
relationship with one or both parents brings certain psychological damage
to the child.
Children from dissolved marriages benefit
most if both biological parents try to treat each other with kindness and
respect. Fighting between parents, married and divorced, causes much
distress to the children as the parents throw insults. Stress in
children becomes visible as they become annoying, offensive, or withdraw
from social contacts.
What can we gain by running down our children's
other parent? Only a feeling that we have balanced the scales.
Only a feeling. We may have inflicted some pain and caused others
to want to "get even" with us and retaliate with additional damaging actions.
By choosing to repair our own feelings by
fighting and running each other down, we inflict pain in our precious next
generation. They pay a price. Our children begin to feel insecure,
unloved, and afraid of being alone. This pattern of damaging others will
transmit pain to the next generations.
So, how can we keep from being our irritating,
annoying, hurtful self?
Commit to doing what will be best for your
children that deserve a chance in this world. Vow to withhold hurtful
comments about their other parent. Asking questions about your ex-spouse
places the child in a very uncomfortable position. Your child needs
to be able to respect you both. Promise to try to build each other
up and confront your differences with maturity.
Devote time to your children doing what they
are interested in doing. They are with us such a short time.
Maximizing our time together will reward us often in the future.
Disagree agreeably to show your children how
respectful adults can manage their conflicts. They are watching and
learning more from parents than anyone else. We tear their hearts
when we force them to choose between the two of us and our disagreements.
"Punishing" our spouse punishes our child even more severely.
Support your child to provide consistency,
security, and the sense that they are welcomed and enjoyed in many settings.
Talk positively to them. Enjoy larger family gatherings. Experience
the small joys of imagination, surprise, and creativity. Take
walks together. Talk on the porch. Find out what is important
to them. They have an unbelievable fountain of wisdom!
Through your efforts, you can help make your
child's life a little more joyful and hopeful.
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Can compassion be taught?
Is it selfishness? Or do people
who place themselves first simply neglect to consider others' feelings?
Children and adults alike can show symptoms
of this "plague." "Me first! I want the most! If
there is not enough for me, I'll take some of yours. I deserve the
best!" Consideration of others might be absent.
Compassion for others is a character trait
that we learn. But, how? It seems that some have a natural
sensitivity to others' feelings. How can we help the rest gain this
valuable quality?
Firstborn and only children have a little
more difficult time with this than others. They never experience being
left out unless another child is born. Typically firstborns are overindulged
and overprotected. This gives them the message that they deserve
to be waited on and to get the best and most of everything. They
also get the message that they are incapable of taking care of themselves.
Insecurity follows. They desperately cling to that which makes them
believe they are valued.
Is it our responsibility to protect those
who may be hurt from a lack of compassion? Yes. As parents,
we are responsible for helping each of our children feel valuable.
As human beings, we are responsible for preventing damage to the human
spirit.
MODELING caring and compassion teaches
our children volumes.
Not only in the home, the community, but also in comments we
make about others who never hear us. (ie. while watching TV or driving
in traffic).
They don't care what we know until they know
how much we care.
COMMUNICATION of hurt feelings when we are
overlooked, taken from, or dishonored may be the only way another person
will begin to understand how their behavior affects those around them.
"I feel devalued when you borrow and don't repay." "I feel left out
when you go places and don't invite me."
Limits with consequences. At the time
someone "flips our switch" or "pushes our buttons," they have overstepped
our limits. If we deliver an effective consequence immediately, we
will discourage that behavior for the future. For instance, if we
require the offending child to serve the victim child for 10 minutes for
each offense, we will extinguish the behavior before long. The victim
is no longer a victim, and the offender has "balanced the books."
Try it and see if your home doesn't feel like
a warmer and more considerate place to live.
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Making the most of our family
time
With the major holiday time on our heels,
can we take a few minutes to contemplate what we can do with those families
of ours? Family breakdowns have been a concerning topic of the latter part
of our millennium. What can we do to strengthen the family from which
we have our roots?
A checklist will follow. Clip this column
and use the items you check to guide your free time with those who have
made you who you are, OK? Check only those that you feel will solidify
those bonds that hold your family unit.
Watching football games, yelling wildly
at athletes that can't hear your frantic urges to run, go for it, etc.
Playing games that bring good will
Sharing fun time with other families
Sleeping on the sofa
Including everyone in the kitchen while
they are creating projects
Karaoke times or "name that tune"
Playing Nintendo or computer games that
require only one player.
A snipe hunt for your neighborhood
Progressive party for friends and neighbors
Group caroling down your street
Offering to help one person you know
that is caring for a family member 24 hours a day, or babysit for a young
couple that hasn't had a "date" in a year
Taking the children through the local
nursing home or retirement center to bring some joy to the lonely
Shopping and getting more in debt
Make some ornaments for your Christmas
tree with your children
Tell stories to children about the big
events in your life making their history come to life
Read special collected Christmas stories
that add a sparkle to the hearer's eyes
Huddle together under a quilt while
each family member gets to answer the same question about life:
"What was your favorite vacation?"
"Whom do you want to be like?"
"What are you most proud of about yourself?"
"Which song title describes you best?"
"What can we each do to help you feel more
loved next year?"
"If everything was perfect tomorrow, how would
life be different for you?"
Holiday time can be improved one family at
a time. It's our own responsibility if to make this time of
the year rich with love and joy. Both love and joys multiply as we
share with each other in love and caring.
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