Parenting Articles  2004

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Teens can bring joy to families
 Divorce changes children Some women can't be mothers
Most mothers are amazing
 Preventing children from drug abuse needs parenting
Parents continue to hold greatest influence over children
 Children can often be good role models for adults
 Adult children long for parents they never had
Kids are often in charge of families
 Learning is succeeding after failing



Teens can bring joy to families   
      Prospects of parenting teens often bring fear and doubt. To avoid problems, there are a few helpful facts to consider:
    Children treated with respect from the start almost always become respectful adults. Loud arguments and physical demonstrations of power leave kids feeling very disrespected. They somehow think the fight was their fault and that they are supposed to bring relief to the family.
    Routines and schedules create a sense of predictability and consistency to life. Children thrive when they feel secure. The confidence they gain soaks into their “respect genes.” With security, they enter their teen years knowing who they are. Setting goals for their future is easier because of that sense of safety and self-respect.
    Responsibility and productivity gift a child with a feeling that they are valuable, important, needed, and appreciated. Chores around the house with guidance and instruction from a respectful parent produce a feeling of industry years later when they have a job and want to do their very best.
    Rules with consequences for disrespecting those guidelines for behavior create an environment of safety. Knowing they are responsible for their choices comes in handy when deciding the big issues in life.
    Research shows that parents who attach emotionally to their children are the major factor in predicting success later in life. Especially, positive early parent-child experiences seem to contribute to future job and personal relationship successes. Stress is reduced. Decision-making becomes more effective.
    Before there are relationships, a self has to form. Those selves are basically shaped by the relationships that surround them. Early experiences, though not remembered, are never erased.
    Biologic parents who are absent can’t impact their child. The six minutes a day the average parent spends with their child in meaningful conversation won’t yield great dividends. Being emotionally absent shoots holes in the “love-tanks” of our young people. Holes make it difficult to feel loved, secure, and special. Love, given by others, leaks out.
    Simply spending time with, being interested in, attempting to understand the thinking of your child is a clever formula for success. Feeling valued and important, teens bring joy and amusement!
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If children could choose parents
       Parents have the greatest influence in the life of a child. Whether they are present or absent determines a child’s sense of value. Whether they are kind or mean tells them whether they are “good enough” or not. How parents demonstrate anger begins the future mountains of anger in their child. When parents treat each other with disdain, attitudes are shaped for life.
    If we could do it, we would want to pick our parents. It is the most important role in the world. However, children don't have that privilege. They have to take what they get.Often they don’t even get what they have because of the animosity of divorce or addiction to work, church, or self.
    If they could, here are some important items children would search for in the catalog of potential parents. These contribute most to the happiness of children.
    Partnership and presence of both parents are at the top of the list for a child’s needs. Future right choices is a fruit of this feature. An added bonus comes if that partnership is sweetened with affection for each other.
    Unity between parents is second in importance. Discussing differences, deciding consequences for anticipated problems fulfills parental responsibility. This is especially true if parents divorce. In a chaos, children feel they have to shoulder the burden of operating the world.
    Loving words and actions with compassion for how it feels to be a little, human being would be high on their list. Their world is dependent on “giants” for food, cuddling, warmth, comfort, and joy. Positive encouragement fuels the exploration of a wondrous world.
    Kindness in every act communicates respect. Children need to know that parents somehow can see through their eyes and know what it feels like to be disappointed, hurt, and needy.
    Honesty creates a sense of security. Kids need to know that when they are promised a desire, that desire will be met. Hope is generated when adults follow through with commitments.
    Dependability for doing what is best when children are small makes it easier for advice to be accepted when major decisions are faced by adolescents. If kids could choose, wouldn’t it be logical to want what is best?
    Setting goals for and with children helps give them the dreams that fly their kites the rest of their lives especially if they are flown with the sweet currents of unconditional love. Quality time together creates the bricks that build those dreams. The future of our communities and nation depends on the quality of parenting.
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Some women can’t be mothers

    I use to ponder the words to an old spiritual “Sometimes, I feel like a motherless child.” But now I understand that although we have a biological parent that made it possible for us to be in this world, they are unable to fulfill their role as nurturer, confidence-builder, self-esteem grower, or security-giver.
    Daughters who have a sense that they are motherless while their mothers live spend much time trying to figure out what they can do any better. Their explanations are varied. The conclusions evolve over time to include that either they aren’t very good, they must not be lovable, or they are simply worthless.
    The relationship of a daughter to her mother is among the most vital of connections in a woman’s life. When this link is not formed, a young woman’s life is irreparably altered.  What becomes of these women?  What do they feel, what are their struggles, what distinguishes and what unites them? Their mother lives, but they don’t feel mothered.
    “Motherless” women feel like they don’t belong anywhere. Their own marriage feels alien, as if they are never understood and have no where to really call “home.” They struggle to love others in every relationship. With barriers to protect them from more hurt, distance becomes the modus operandi in each new relationship.
    How do we learn to love? We learn to love as we are loved. As our needs are met and as we are responded to with kindness, patience, and consistency, we begin to trust the world and those in our world.
    No one can love us like a mother can.
When a mother dies, so does the possibility of ever being treated with that acceptance, enthusiasm, approval, and curiosity of a mother’s heart. That chance is buried with her.
    Fathers do the best they can, but they are in a child’s life to teach them courage, strength, and integrity.
    Sisters see themselves as competitors or caretakers. Sisters don’t feel responsible for shaping the characters of their siblings. Sisters are for sharing wisdom and having fun with us.
    Brothers are usually struggling to meet his own goals. Some huge responsibilities will rest on his shoulders when he is launched to start his own family. Brothers are for pals. Some have to become protectors.    
    For those of you that feel you have missed something special if your mother hasn’t been able to nurture you, you really have. For mothers give us that sense that we are very special, very valuable, very desirable, extremely smart, and that we can do anything. They teach us how to nurture our own children.
    If you happen to be one of the many daughters that didn’t get what you needed from your mother, it may be time to accept that she did the best she could based on the wounds she carried. Look around for other mother-figures and ask from them what you couldn’t get from your biological mother.
    This is a huge problem, if it is yours. But it is a problem with a solution.

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Most mothers are amazing 
  Mother’s Day is just around the corner.
Mothers are so important. A few words will be devoted to honor the women who have taken on the daunting task of nurturing, guiding, shaping, and strongly influencing the children who will lead in the future.
    Most mothers experience true joy when they look into the eyes of their newborn child. They rarely resent being awakened in the middle of the night whether it is colic, a scary dream, or an announcement that the woman their son is dating will be their daughter-in-law. Mothers are resilient and tough.
    Mothers become the social worker as she creates an environment of fun and learning. They teach their children to entertain themselves and be eager for the excitement of learning. She doesn’t overbook, she simply makes it fun to grow up. She is a joint CEO of the activity calendar, managing the resources wisely.
    Mothers are faced with the challenge of co-creating the rules that create a safety net around her family. Consistently administered consequences erect the fence which insures the rules are respected. She is a great manager.
    Mothers unite with the father of their children to develop and transmit the patterns that form the personality of their child. Past experiences blend with current events to form a river of attitudes and behaviors in the developing being. She becomes a psychologist and family therapist.
    Mother’s minds are faster than the greatest computer. She perceives the attempts children make to manipulate their worlds. She creates countermoves to stay in control and provide a safe environment which contributes to the overall sense of security so important to her growing children. She understands the mathematical risks and factors that bring success.
    Mothers are the greatest financiers when it comes to making the dollars allotted cover the expenses necessary to provide another kind of security. It is a challenge to help their children feel confident that their needs will be met until they can be responsible for meeting their own needs. She is an astute money manager.
    When that time comes, the heart of a competent mother will cut the cords that keep her children dependent. The years of preparing for their productive industry will warm her heart as she sees them planning for their future, saving, spending wisely, buying their first car and moving into their first house, confident that they can honor their commitments to their own family. She understands the importance of setting free that which is competent. She is a great philosopher, knowing that helping her children when they want to be responsible only sets them back.
    The heart of a mother is what makes the world worth living in.  

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Preventing kids from drug abuse requires parenting     

    The average age of first alcohol use is  12, and the average age of first drug use is 13. Almost two-thirds of all American young people try illicit drugs before they finish high school. One out of sixteen seniors smokes marijuana daily.
    Thinking about your children, even adult children, getting lost in the drug or alcohol trap, brings fear to your parent’s heart. We can have plenty of education, bundles of knowledge, and still have a child succumb to the lure of mood-altering substances.
    The process of protecting our progeny doesn’t begin during adolescence and requires much more than education and knowledge. It begins before birth. The following steps can offer the best prevention for future drug use.
    Select the best future parent for your children. Don’t settle because everyone else is getting married. Formulate the qualities that will be most likely to make your dreams come true. Discard any “applicants” that don’t meet your standards.
    Learn to truly love that future parent in ways that encompass effective communication, consideration, caring, and fun. As you learn to partner and see each other as teammates in the journey through parenthood, you will be strong through the vicissitudes of parenting.
    Establish clear boundaries to guide your children using principles that both of you share and consider important in shaping the self-esteem and self-discipline of your children.
    Develop clear consequences including rewards along with discouragers for the behaviors that don’t fit in your combined image of that future adult you are both raising.
    Stay in your child’s life keeping the high priority of your marriage partner above that of other human or material relationships. Study to know what helps them feel so loved they want to honor their commitment to you and your family.
    Spend time together as a family having fun. Most children aren’t particular. Just having someone value them enough to interact with them is the key. These fond memories become deposits in a  future bank from which they can withdraw when they are struggling.
    Do what you say you will do every time. Consistency creates a sense of security that can defeat their making a choice which will not be in their best interest.   
    Model what you desire for your child’s future. It’s amazing how many times, as adults, we realize that, at times, whether we like it or not, we are just like our parents. Are you who you want your child to be?
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Adult children long for parents they never had 
   A comic line by Dick Cavet isn’t all that funny. “If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.” We often hear that we have to pay taxes and will all die eventually. Another fact of life is that we can’t be here without parents. Sadly, there are children growing up feeling they never had one or both parents.
    Some of the culprits which leave children feeling parentless are divorce, addictions, abuse, psychiatric illnesses, and past wounds that have damaged  proverbial love tanks, leaking out that valuable liquid gold called love. Essentially, empty love-tanks are unable to nurture the children of the next generation.
    As adults, we need our parents in many ways. Who else can celebrate the victories with as much pride as a parent? Who else can empathize with us through the struggles of finishing major milestones, winning awards, earning respect? Who is more excited over the birth and development of our child than a grandparent?
    Having a weak connection with a parent is likely to be duplicated in the next generation with our own children. We will have difficulty connecting and communicating care and love to them.
    Adult children who feel that a parent is absent, though alive, can begin to search for others that will be delighted to share the special moments as well as the difficulties we all face. Substitute parents aren’t quite the same, but they do meet the unmet needs created by the vacuum of someone choosing to avoid us.
    The pain arises from the thought that somehow we are worthless and unlovable. But the truth is that all of us have value and all of us have worth. As human beings, we simply need another human, preferably the ones responsible for our existence, to notice our efforts at integrity, achievement, and uniqueness.
    In high-school our choir sang a song that lives on in my memory. “No man is an island, no man stands alone. Each man's joy is joy to me. Each man's grief is my own. We need one another, so I will depend–each man as my brother, each man as my friend.”
    So it is that if our parents can’t give us what we need, because of their wounds, it becomes our responsibility to look elsewhere for the special connection that gives life meaning and makes life worth living.
    Although we don’t get to choose our original parents, we do have the opportunity to replace them with someone who can help meet our needs.
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Kids are often in charge of family
     For want of a nail, the shoe was lost; For want of the shoe, the horse was lost; For want of the horse, the rider was lost; For want of the rider, the battle was lost; For want of the battle, the kingdom was lost, and all for the want of a nail. This principle works in families, too.
    When respect is lacking toward adults in family dynamics, power resides with the children. They aren’t really competent as leaders or an organization like a family. Children who are operating the family create the atmosphere in that home. Children are not developmentally prepared to be the CEO of such a delicate administration.
    To be CEO of family dynamics requires some intricate qualities to perform effectively and admirably. In fact, it is the MOST important position in our society.
    A great family leader has an innate ability to be faithful and supportive to his co-leader or spouse. They work together to form the rules and consequences that govern their family. A child in charge may be loyal to only one parent. This turns a child into a competitor with his other parent. Unhealthy.
    A great family leader has authority that is earned by respect and consistency. When disrespect is detected, the leaders devise a plan which makes that disrespect have no rewards.
    This principle is illustrated by the story about girls at the school leaving lipstick prints on the mirror in the bathroom every day. One day, the principal called all the girls into the bathroom and told them that they needed to see how much trouble it was for the janitor to  remove the lipstick every evening. He proceeded to dip the squeegie in the commode and cleaned the mirror. Never again did anyone kiss that mirror again.
    When the consequences are undesirable, the behavior is extinguished. Children, while smart, are not mature enough to have the logic and discipline to limit themselves with consequences. That burden rests on both parents, whether married or divorced..
    Family leaders motivate by love and kindness without controlling. Choices can be given, but the best choices will be made when the child respects and admires the parent. Parents who yell and demonstrate short-fused tempers automatically give their power to the children.
    A family leader works to provide what the family needs and helps them to be satisfied with what they have. Egocentric children are simply unequipped to think of a bigger picture than what they want and need.
    For want of a quality leader, a family is lost; For want of a family, a city decays; For want of a city, a country is lost; For want of a country, the world falls apart–all for want of a family leader!   
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Children can be role models for adults       
     When we say an adult is “acting like a child” what do we mean? Throwing tantrums, sulking, being stubborn and wanting what we want when we want it, being jealous, trying to be the center of attention sounds like two-year old behaviors. Sadly, adults are frequently stuck in this stage of development.
    Enthusiasm for learning, joy, excitement, anticipation, spontaneity, curiosity,  innocence, trusting, comfort in being who they are, affectionate and honesty are the characteristics that come to my mind when I think of a delightful child. Why is “childish” so different from child-like?
    A few questions surface. What keeps us acting childishly when we are old? What helps us grow up? How can we become childlike as adults?
    The factors that keep us childish long after adolescence are having to listen to verbal violence, accusations, criticisms, or silence when we had time on our hands. Abuse in any form can limit the normal exploration of an exciting world. Having no responsibilities or no effective consequences for our poor choices quietly delay growing up.
    We grow up best if we have our needs met as a child and have both parents active and in partnership and harmony deciding the boundaries and rules of our lives. This process is best accomplished if there is back-up family to step in during a crisis. We grow up well when we feel a sense of pride that we are needed and valued in the operation of the family. Chores aren’t just for parents.
        How can we overcome the forces that prevented us from really growing up?
    For starters, we can recognize what we need in our relationships and begin asking for those needs to be met. This is not demanding, but requesting in a kind, caring and loving manner. Setting some goals and disciplining ourselves would be the next logical step. If our parents failed to establish logical boundaries, we have to decide if we want to do what is best for us or continue down the path of least resistance to certain destruction of our self.
    To avoid childishness, we can surround ourselves with others that have similar goals and operate under the guiding principles that we choose which are best for us and our future. We can set limits for our own life and eliminate the chaos, worry, fighting, arguing, and destructive stress that forces us to act in childish ways.
    Normally adults worry “When will our children grow up” My concern is “When will adults who are parents become childlike?"
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Divorce changes children       

    “What’s done to children, they will do to society.”– Karl Menninger
    Divorce has undercurrents of results that have been difficult to identify. In short descriptors, let’s consider some of the following:
    Suffering. Isolation. Ended childhood. Overburdened parents with no time to enjoy the pleasures of parenting. Hidden emotions. Disarray. Disruption of routines and schedules. Moves. New friends. Lost family contact. Lost holiday rituals. Fewer nurturing models. Economic burdens. Guilt. Misery. Fear. Children caring for fragile parents. Voiceless. Unheard. Cumulative. Long-term.
    As childhood progresses, the worlds of children of divorce change. Live-in lovers. Stepparents. Rejection. Unfairness. In-house baby-sitting. Step siblings. New relatives. Confusion. Forfeited childhoods. Roles reversed–ending up caring for devastated moms. Overworked parents. Early adolescence. Early sexual experiences. Higher alcohol and drug use.
    In adulthood the impact rises to a crescendo affecting every fiber of the personality. Unprepared. Challenged. Distrust. Poor coping. Anxiety about relationships. Fear of disaster and loss. Fear of betrayal, and rejection. Anger. Terrified of abandonment. Disappointments. Worry. Loneliness.
    After years of conflict, turmoil, and chaos, a courageous and persistent struggle can produce victory. Some learn from the difficulties. Sheer determination helps in the rejection of conflict patterns taught in their early years. Grandparents and extended family have provided a golden thread of hope.
    Some will repeat the same mistakes their own parents made, sending another generation through the experiences they had. Failing to turn their difficulties into heirlooms, their own children stack up the debris of instability.
    Many will fight to get the love they deserve, requesting the needs they were designed to have, and nurture those in their own lives. Their future is gloriously different from their past. They give their children what they failed to experience–the gift of family. Our society changes. 
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Learning is succeeding after failing 
    Remember how much fun it was to learn how to ride a bike? Tie your shoe? Blow a bubble with your gum? Whistle? The excitement was exhilarating!
    Learning is not getting good grades. Learning is not cheating. Learning is not copying or memorizing.
    Learning is the ability to answer the question: “How do I discover the meaning for me?”
    Anytime we can connect or match information with something we already knew, it will make more sense. In order to learn, find a way to connect the old to the new information.
    Good students must be honest. We have to admit our deficiencies or weaknesses. A great learner is courageous enough to do something about the admitted weakness.
    How can parents inspire their children to love to learn? How can students do their best in school?
    To win at sports, training is required. Those who train will outperform those who refrain from training. Just like successful musicians, golfers, writers, dancers, actors, engineers, artists must do, learners who want to succeed must practice.
    All learning experiences involve fear. Pain is inevitable, just like when that first ride on a bicycle ended with a crash. All effective learning requires hard work.
    Learning has to have purpose. The strongest purpose I have witnessed comes from those who love fiercely. Helping your child develop a purpose in life comes from learning how to love.
    Learning how to love is best taught in loving interactions. Visit museums, historical sites, or state or national parks. Rent videos about events studied in school. Books come alive when connected to a fun memory of learning.
    Encouraging students, when they doubt their capabilities, will revitalize their naturally curious desires to learn first-hand about the world around them.
    Their efforts need to be noticed, recognized, and validated.
    Children need plenty of quiet time to think. Electronic media and hectic schedules give no time for the creativity and imagination that is so enticing in a child.
    Participate in the joy children experience in valuing whatever they are learning. Read and talk together. Plan trips or theme parties after studying about areas or events. First-hand experiences are those that make the most lasting impressions.
    Minimize the stress which only interferes with their learning. Surround them with order, predictability, limits, responsibility, kindness, relaxation, joy, fun, and love.
    Remember, if they learn to love, they will love to learn!
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