Parenting Articles
2002
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Breaking up is hard to do
As goes the song, “Breaking up is hard to do!” Breaking up is always devastating.
The pain of breaking-up comes from our varied interpretations. We may conclude
that we are a failure, we are unlovable, we are worthless, or we are at
fault. Any way we look at it, we may feel like complete losers.
Because of this defeat, our behavior can appear to be out of
control. We may harass, annoy, withdraw, yell, spread lies, and triangle
with family or the law. These dysfunctional reactions have great potential
to do major damage to any children involved.
At the time of our absurd acting out, children are not the focus.
But, they watch in fear and terror as the adults they depended on fall
apart. Their sense of security is dashed along with the feeling that they
belong anywhere in this world. With all the distraction and drain from
the conflict between their parents over the break-up, they have little
hope that they are cared for or loved.
How can we help children survive this societal solution to human
conflict? As adults, we are responsible for the safety, security, love
and sense that our children belong. Following are a few things the parents
can do to reduce the stress for their children in divorce.
MEET TOGETHER to determine reasonable visitation arrangements
for children under 12. Then, present your agreement to the children. They
don’t need to be saddled with the responsibility to make a decision that
could hurt one of their parents.
REFRAIN FROM discussing visitation changes with the children.
Reserve that for their other parent only. Children don’t deserve to be
caught in the middle.
EXCHANGE CHILDREN when they are clean, well-rested, and well-fed.
Take responsibility for the clothes that are soiled while you have the
children.
PLACE NO LIMITATIONS on allowing the children to talk with their
other parent. Using caller ID or answering machines to reduce connections
between your child and a source of love, security, and belonging is depriving
your child of highly needed resources.
USE A CALM, polite, tone of voice when talking with your ex-spouse.
If that seems impossible, set a time when you can talk together as two
sane adults.
DEAL DIRECTLY with each other. Children are placed in an awkward
position when they are the go-between for messages or money.
MAINTAIN the principle of speaking only good about the other
parent and their family. If there isn’t anything positive to say, it is
better left unsaid.
AVOID QUIZZING children for what happened when they were with
the other parent. A cycle of necessary “cover-up” begins. They attempt
to protect you from feeling bad. They need to remain as neutral as possible.
You are not their responsibility.
ARRANGE with their other parent regarding schedules for sleep,
meals, homework, limits and consequences. Expecting consistency gives children
a great sense of security, even if they don’t like the rules. Knowing you
partnered on the rules helps them see you as reasonable adults with logical
authority.
ENCOURAGE your children to talk honestly to each of you rather
than asking you to be their go-between. Respect for direct communication
is important for all of you.
POLITE, courteous behaviors help your children feel they come
from good genes. Go to the door to pick them up, or have them ready at
the appointed time
We are adults for our kids!
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Gentry takes
stage to help children
What a treat and surprise it was when Teddy Gentry walked onto the
stage of the recent play “Decoration” to benefit our local Children’s Advocacy
Center! His choice of music was so fitting, the words and message must
be shared with the community at large.
Using my high-school shorthand, I tried to capture as many words
as possible. The theme was the importance of each moment in the life of
a child.
We only have one chance to “paint the picture” of a precious
child. Love is the canvas. Each stroke demands that we do our best while
the brush is in our hand. It’s very difficult to change it when the paint
dries.
Metaphors are fun to extract meanings of common experiences.
Pondering the great message of his music, came even more truths.
Each of us is unique and a masterpiece. We are made up as a composite
of all of our many varied past experiences. Each day adds a little more
to our canvas. Every moment in the life of a child is a building block
for the rest of their life. Not something left up to chance or high-risk
activities and environments.
The brushes used may be coarse and leave clumps of roughness
on our canvas. Or the soft brushes of kindness and respect can blend the
colors to a pleasing reflection. Both results are valuable! Both contribute
to the world of art.
Coloring makes a difference on the appearance of a canvas. Dark
colors hide the details and may draw us at first only to leave us later
with an empty foreboding. Extravagantly bright combinations may lighten
our moods for a time, but we eventually need a break from the high stimulation.
When we withhold who we are from those who are in our life to
love us, intimacy is impossible. On the other hand, when we maintain a
chronically frenetic pace of life, the excitement creates a stress that
also interferes with our important human connections.
As a canvas is drying, there is the possibility of smudging and
marring the work of a Master. Protection from that which can harm is vitally
important to the final production.
Developing children are protected by the boundaries we set and
the consequences which reinforce our limits. Love places a sealant that
protects from future damage or destructive efforts on another’s part. Belonging
to a larger family, church, or community group protects by placing them
in a safe well-visited, respectable “art museum.”
Sometimes, the perspective in a painting makes all the difference
in the world. Perhaps part of the picture is left to our imagination
and creative minds as we view the work. That which is not revealed to us
serves as a curious puzzle which can keep our interest for a long time.
One of life’s purposes must be to discover the uniqueness and
private beauty of each other’s character and being. We share more and more
with each other as our trust strengthens. Our trust strengthens with consistent,
respectful, interactions over time.
Once trust is lost, a piece of the portrait may forever be hidden.
What a wonder we all are. Take some time to appreciate the people
in your life. Don’t try to change them–just let them fascinate you. Thank
you, Teddy.
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Alcohol has big impact on
children
Looking through the eyes of a child at their interpretation of the
personification of alcohol, the monster is terrorizing. This huge force
is more important to their parent than they are.
Alcohol can change a child's parent into someone hurtful, withdrawn,
or just different. It creates within the child the an angst. They are compelled
to grow up prematurely in order to protect a hurting parent or younger
siblings. Insecurity robs these precious children of alcoholics of a carefree,
joyous, hopeful existence.
A grandmother today still struggles with the conflicts she experienced
as a child of an alcoholic. Years later as she realizes the major losses
in her childhood. Insecurity surrounded each day. She didn't know to which
father she belonged, the loving father, or the absent, frightening father.
Alcohol deprived her family from the important other connections in her
life that could have nurtured her with love and acceptance. She shares
what she would have said to her father if she had known then what she knows
now:
"I love you Daddy, an' I need you to see
How much your drinkin' is hurtin' me,
an' brother, Mamma an' Grandma, too.
We all love you, Daddy, an' wish that we knew
Why you choose to live in your own little worl'
Away from Brother, Mamma, an' your little girl.
We can't even go there-- an' wouldn't want to--
It's scary to think of-- Much less, to do!
When you're gone there, Daddy, I miss you so much!
I want you to hold me-- I just need your touch!
I need you to hug me real, real, tight--
An' tell me that everything's gonna be alright.
An' Daddy, there's somethin' you don't even know
If you'll stay at home-- Then Mamma won't go.
See, she cries an' gets all messed up in the head!
When company comes, we crawl under the bed--
Or hide in the cornfield-- until all is clear--
‘Cause we're too embarrassed to entertain, here.
Oh, Daddy, it's lonely and real scary, too!
I need you to help me figure out what to do!
I've tried to explain-- the bes' that I can--
When you drink--You're not Daddy--
You're some other man!
Please, Daddy, LISTEN! HEAR MY PLEA!
Won't YOU come an' live at home here with me?
Somehow, I've got to find a way to make you come back--
An' to make Mamma stay." Your little girl
This innocent little girl expresses well the responsibility children
feel when parents give up and silence the mourning of their emotional wounds
with the numbing effects of their addiction. Someone has to bear the responsibility.
If not the parents, then that burden is felt and carried by the children.
If you know of a child that could have written this letter, hear
this plea as if it were that child's. Seek help for healing the wounds,
through therapy, medication, treatment, support groups, etc. There are
remedies and there is hope.
Those who were designed to nurture the needs of children can
be encouraged to do this most important job in the universe. It is what
shapes the world.
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Kids in divorce have rights
Children enduring parental separation and divorce have rights
that they have a difficult time expressing. Many feel that they will upset
a parent if they complain or ask for a need to be met. Others simply don’t
have the skills to put into words what they need. They just know they are
uncomfortable and miserable.
What can those responsible for these precious future adults do
to make the transition from whole family to unpredictable divorcing family?
Work with their other parent in a civil way to negotiate all
of the new arrangements. Arguing, yelling, blaming, accusing, and demanding
serve only to degrade and harass the emotional makeup of a child. They
very much need to know that the parents that gave them birth were good.
Living up to their expectations is worth it all!
Sacrifice YOUR feelings and ego in order to get the time with
each parent as equal as possible. Residing in the same area makes this
suggestion much easier.
If a parent is depressed, they are not very available emotionally
to their child. Seeking treatment is more for the children than for you.
Relief can prevent your turning to alcohol or drugs which exert a devastating
effect on children. They believe that your source of relief is more important
to them than they are.
Children have the right to be treated as important human beings,
with unique feelings, ideas, desires and not as a source of argument
between parents.
No matter how much dislike you may have for the other parent
of your children, they have the right to continue a peaceful relationship
with both parents.
They deserve freedom for reciprocal expression of love and affection
for both parents. We have violated their needs if our children feel compelled
to stifle that love because they fear disapproval by one of their parents.
Because of the egocentricity of children, they have the need
to know that the decision to divorce is not their responsibility and that
they will live with one parent and visit the other parent.
Rich rewards will come to those, who in the wake of a divorce
promote continued care and guidance from both parents. Grandparents
can help immensely as they cooperate with those they find it difficult
to support.
As children are trying to make sense of this world and the security
that is shaken with major change, they need to feel free to ask questions
about the changing family relationships and get honest answers. Blaming
and accusing backfire causing heightened damage with no problems
solved.
Especially important is the child’s need to be cared for and
nurtured. Forcing them to be a go-between or to make choices that undermine
visitation schedules gives them a sense of unwanted power and fear. The
birth of manipulation skills occurs when parents use their children to
play these adult games of “winning” or “losing.”
If you know of someone struggling through a divorce, share these
ten principles that can improve the chances for hope and peace for a whole
new generation.
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Cheap talk
that really pays
If you are a parent of school-aged children and are thinking
ahead, among your major fears is that you may become a grandparent before
you are ready or your offspring may get involved with drugs. Despite the
efforts of our country directed at these problems, there has been little
or no improvement. There is a method that won’t hurt and WILL make a big
difference!
Until our children are comfortable with their parents, they will
always have problems in other relationships and make choices that may be
harmful to them. If we have wronged them, rejected them, or neglected them
in a major way, they will react to others with unresolved hurt or
anger governing their responses. Many times choices are a direct
result of feeling we have been wronged.
Most teen mothers get good grades, and seem to get along well
with their parents. They believe their choices are based on what
is best. But, years later they say they would have made different choices.
One teen mother said “I just wish I had picked a better daddy
for my precious children!”
This novel solution for helping our children make better choices
has nothing to do with education or free handouts. The benefits
extend into many areas of life. The solution is: WE AS PARENTS
NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME TALKING WITH OUR KIDS!
Many stay so busy, there isn’t much time to just sit and visit and
get acquainted.
Our children need to hear the stories about our “growing?up”
years. They learn from hearing about the problems we had as teens,
and how we handled those problems. If we had conflicts with our parents,
or made mistakes, they need to know. If we had major losses, they gain
from hearing how we felt and
responded when we lost. If we were hurt by our first love, they
need to hear.
When our children begin to see us as normal, imperfect human
beings, as having experienced some tough times and pulled through, as having
learned something from our mistakes, then they seem to no longer have anything
they have to prove. There is no longer a need to reject us as their
parents. They begin to see us as the friends they need rather than
only the “parents who don’t understand” and “won’t let me do anything!”
As our children feel no need to rebel, they generally will make wise choices.
Their parents are among their good friends they respect and don’t want
to hurt.
If sitting down for a chat at your
table is something you haven’t done for awhile, I challenge you to
try it and discover what wonderful kids you have! If you’re uncomfortable
and don’t get cooperation at first, it’s OK to be uncomfortable.
Keep trying, it’s not only worth it, it’s fun. Don’t expect a miracle
over night. Give it at least six months before you expect to see
a slight change in the way things are going around your house. If
your kids have already left home, call them and tell them some stories
of years ago.
You could set up your video camera and film yourself telling
the stories as you remember them. Know that you can make it possible
for the next generation to have a healthier future.
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Repairing marriages
prevents alcoholism
New research has uncovered a very important
link between early life stress and alcohol abuse. This valuable finding
came to light when the researchers watched 97 rhesus monkeys from birth
to young adulthood. This type of monkey is genetically as close to human
beings as any other mammal.
Forty baby monkeys were separated from their
mothers at birth and cared for in a setting much like the nurseries in
our hospitals. After one month, these monkeys were caged with three same
aged peers. The other 57 monkeys were able to be raised with their birth
mothers.
When the monkeys were six months old, they
were all separated for a brief time from their mothers and peers to observe
how they would respond to that stressor. They were each placed into separate
cages where they could hear and see each other but could not experience
touch.
Blood levels of both groups were tested for
a stress hormone and found to be double the average levels. The levels
for the mother-reared monkeys, however, were much less than the peer-reared
group.
By the ages of three to five, these two groups
were observed for the differences in alcohol consumption. Both groups had
equal access to alcohol and water. What the scientists noticed was that
the monkeys raised with only peers drank much more alcohol than those raised
with their mothers.
The researchers noted that when the monkeys experience stress,
they had double the normal levels of stress hormones. Long after the stress,
they, and probably we, WILL consume higher levels of alcohol.
So what does this mean for us? Early life experiences can have
a long-term effect on our future. If our goal for our children is to have
as happy a life as possible, and be as productive and successful in meeting
their potential, then I imagine we may consider some of the following principles:
MINIMIZE SEPARATIONS from significant caregivers.
Divorce, carelessness, illnesses, extreme work commitments all rob us of
valuable time with our infants and children.
RESPONSIBLY BE IN CHARGE of our children’s
lives. The benefit when we clearly communicate that we, as parents, are
united in creating a routine, predictable, and consistent environment for
these precious, impressionable lives. Limits and consequences intertwined
in the routine of life become the fence that keeps out negative stressful
forces. Regular bedtimes, regular mealtimes, eating around a table, talking
together, playing together, laughing together are the posts to the fence
that make it sturdy and protective.
KNOW and trust who is caring for your child.
Many children are severely traumatized by those entrusted to love and care
for them.
Parenting can be challenging, but the joys
and rewards far outweigh the burdens and slight inconveniences.
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Child's play a good
thing for esteem
“Theraplay” is an approach which helps children connect with others
in healthy ways. Connection enhances their sense of belonging, trust in
others, self-awareness, and self-esteem.
When parents play with their children and teens, there are
four areas of benefit. The next four columns will outline activities which
can benefit your child. If you can do these with your children, you will
definitely see a difference in their level of cooperation, happiness and
sense of calm. This first set of activities is designed to help aggressive,
disruptive, defiant children as well as fearful, insecure and withdrawn
children respond to parental control.
Children can feel comfortable when they realize that mom and
dad can set limits that are fun. Parents need to be in charge rather than
the child running the lives of the family members. This set of play activities
will make a difference if done only 15 minutes a day for a month or two!
Remember, you give the directions and insure they are followed.
BEAN BAG GAME. Place a beanbag or soft toy on your own head,
give a signal and drop the beanbag into the child’s hands by tilting your
head toward the child. Take turns.
COTTON BALL HOCKEY. Lie on the floor on your stomachs. Blow cotton
balls back and forth, trying to get the cotton ball past your partner’s
“handmade” goal.
DRAWING AROUND HANDS, FEET. Make a picture of the children’s
hand or foot by drawing it on a piece of paper. Talk lovingly as you draw,
for example, “I’m coming to your precious little finger.”
EYE SIGNALS. Hold hands and stand facing each other. Use eye
signals to indicate direction and number of steps to take; for example,
when you wink your left eye two times, both you and the child take two
side steps to your left. For forward and backward movement move your head
back or forward. Hold a pillow between you while moving.
POP THE BUBBLE. Blow a bubble and catch it on the wand. Designate
a finger, toe, elbow, shoulder or ear and have your child pop the bubble
with that body part.
RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT. Ask the child to do something, for example,
run, jump, move arms. Green light means go. Red light means stop.
THREE-LEGGED WALK. Stand beside the child. Tie your two legs
together with a scarf or ribbon. With arms around each other’s waist, walk
across the room. Direct by telling your child which foot to move. You can
add obstacles (pillows, chairs) to make this more fun.
If you happen to have other family members, games such as follow
the leader, “Mother, May I,” and “Hokey Pokey” are great for helping your
child have fun with structure provided by an adult.
You can be much more confident that your children will mature
into cooperative, team-members as they enter the real world of rules, requirements,
and policies. You’ll be able to sleep at night knowing they are secure
in knowing that it’s OK for someone else to be in charge.
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Playing with children
offers nurturing
“Theraplay” is an approach which helps children feel nurtured and important
to the adults willing to devote their time and energy. When children feel
love, they are much more willing to cooperate. They have something in their
“love tanks” to share with others.
When parents play with their children and teens, there are four
areas of benefit. This is the second in a series of four columns outlining
activities which can benefit your child. Doing the following activities
every day for 10 to 15 minutes will help your child relax and feel calm
in the peace of knowing they are really loved and cared for.
Nurturing play shows that the world is safe, secure, warm and
predictable. Children begin to feel valued when they are accepted and desired.
The comfort of being cared for allows children to feel less anxious and
fearful. Below are a number of simple nurturing activities for you to enjoy.
CARING FOR HURTS. Check those precious hands, feet, face, etc.,
for scratches, bruises, hurts, or “boo-boos.” Put lotion on or around the
hurt and touch with a cotton ball, or blow a kiss. Check for healing
in the next day.
COTTON BALL TOUCH. Have your child close their beautiful eyes.
Touch them gently with a cotton ball. Have the child open eyes and point
to where you touched.
DECORATE CHILD. Make rings, necklaces, bracelets with play-doh,
crazy foam, crepe-paper streamers, or aluminum foil. Talk about how special
they are.
DOUGHNUT/MARSHMALLOW CHALLENGE. Put a doughnut or marshmallow
on your finger. See how many bites the child can take before breaking the
circle.
FACE PAINTING. Paint flowers and hearts on rosy cheeks,
or make your child up like a princess. Mustaches and beards are interesting
for boys and their fathers. A variation on this is to use a soft dry brush
and pretend to paint the child’s face, describing the wonderful cheeks,
lovely eyebrows, and sparkly eyes as you gently brush each part.
FEEDING. Take your child on your lap face to face. Feed
them, listening for crunches, noticing whether the child likes the snack
and when the child is ready for more. Take this time to make a lot
of eye contact.
PAINT/LOTION PRINTS. Apply lotion or paint to the child’s
hand or foot and make a print on paper, or a mirror.
LOTIONING/POWDERING. Lotion or powder your child’s arms/hands,
or legs/feet. You can sing a personalized song as you do this, “Oh lotion,
oh lotion on Sarah’s feet/It feels so good, it feels so sweet. Oh
lotion, oh lotion on Kelly’s hands/It feels so good, it feels so grand.”
LULLABY. Cradle the child in your arms in such a way that you
can look in each other’s eyes. Sing your favorite lullaby or any quiet,
soothing song. Add details about your child to the traditional words.
MANICURE. Soak the child’s feet or hands in warm water.
Using lotion, massage the feet or hands. Paint the child’s toes or fingernails
using colors the child chooses.
Before you know it, you will have a child who is kinder, sweeter,
and more willing to please. They’ll be even more easy to love!
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Child's play
a good thing for esteem
This is the third in a series of play activities that
help children develop well-balanced personalities. The purpose of the “engaging”
activities described today is to establish and keep a healthy connection
with your child. When we focus on a child in an intense way, we surprise
and delight the child. They begin to look forward to enjoying new experiences
and people.
Playing with children is their school for successful adjustment
in the future. The neat thing about it is that it is fun and powerfully
beneficial for the rest of their lives.
BEEP AND HONK. Press your child’s nose and say “beep!” then press
chin and say “honk!” Guide child to touch your nose and chin.
Make appropriate beeps and honks as you are touched. Child
may be able to supply noises also.
COTTON BALL HIDE. Hide a cotton ball somewhere on the child.
An older child can hide the cotton ball on himself. Have the other
parent find the cotton ball.
BLOWING OVER. Sit facing your child and holding hands. Ask your
child to “blow you over.” When they do, fall back as the child blows.
Once the child understands the game, you can blow her over.
CHECKUPS. Check body parts, such as nose, chin, ears, cheeks,
fingers, toes, knees to see whether they are warm or cold, hard or soft,
wiggly or quiet, and so on. Count freckles, toes, fingers, and knuckles.
HAND-CLAPPING GAMES. Older children enjoy these games very much.
They can be simple “patty-cake” or elaborate rhythmic clapping patterns
that have familiar chants such as chants with tunes. You may find many
chants at the following website: http://www.gameskidsplay.net/jump_rope_ryhmes
MIRRORING. Face your child and move your arms, face, or other body
parts and ask child to move in the same way. For a very active child
you can use slow motion. Take turns being the leader.
PIGGY-BACK/HORSEY-BACK RIDE. With your child on your back, jog
around the room. Ask the child to give you signals, such as “Whoa!”
and “Giddy-up!”
POP CHEEKS. Inflate your cheeks with air and help the child pop
them with his hands or fee. The child inflates his cheeks and you
pop them in turn.
STICKY NOSE. Put a colorful sticker on your own nose. Ask
child to take it off. Or stick a cotton ball on your nose with lotion.
Have child blow it off.
PUSH-ME-OVER, PULL-ME- UP. Sit on the floor in front of the child.
Place child’s palms against yours, or put child’s feet against your shoulders.
On a signal, have child push you over. Fall back in an exaggerated
way. Stretch out your hands so that the child can pull you back up.
SPECIAL HANDSHAKE. Make up a special handshake together, taking
turns adding new gestures; for example, high five, clasp hands, wiggle
fingers, and slap. This can be cumulative over several sessions and
can be your beginning or ending ritual.
Other typical games that contribute to a child’s ability to develop
socially are Peek-a-boo, hide and seek, and activities with songs. Parenting
can be fun as well as a great benefit to our children. Enjoy!
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Play contributes
to confidence
The purpose of this last in the series of beneficial play is to help
your child feel more competent and confident by encouraging them to take
a slight risk and accomplish an activity with your help. Within six weeks,
you will notice a difference in your child if you do these fun activities
for 20 minutes a day with your child.
BALANCING ACTIVITIES. As your child lies on their back with their
feet in the air, place a pillow on their feet and help them balance it.
Add extra pillows one at a time as long as the child is successful.
Or, balance books, pillows, or hats on the child’s head and have her walk
across room.
BALANCE ON PILLOWS, JUMP OFF. Help your child to balance on pillows,
starting with one and increasing as long as the child can easily manage.
Once the child is balanced, tell him to jump into your arms when you give
the signal.
BALLOON BETWEEN TWO BODIES. Hold a balloon between you and the
child (such as between foreheads, shoulders, elbows) and move across the
room without dropping or popping the balloon. See if you can do this
without using hands.
BALLOON TENNIS. Keep balloon in air by using only specific body
parts: heads, hands, no hands, shoulders, etc. If you choose feet,
lie on the floor and keep the balloon in the air by kicking it gently.
BUBBLE TENNIS. Blow bubbles high in the air between you and the
child. Choose a bubble and blow it to the child. The child
blows it back. Continue until balloon pops.
COOPERATIVE COTTON BALL RACE. You and the child get on hands
and knees at one end of room. Take turns blowing a cotton ball (or
a ping-pong ball) to the other side of the room. You can try to better
your time on repeated trials.
CRAWLING RACE. You and the child crawl on your knees as fast
as you can around a stack of pillows. Try to catch the other’s feet.
NEWSPAPER PUNCH, BASKET TOSS. Stretch a single sheet of newspaper
tautly in front of child. Have your child punch through the sheet
when you give a signal. Hold the newspaper so firmly that it makes a satisfying
pop when the child punches it. For the basket toss, crush the torn newspaper
into balls. Have them toss this into a basket you make with your
arms.
PICK UP SOMETHING WITH TOES. Have child pick up a cotton ball
with his toes. Increase the challenge by having them hop around the room
with the cotton ball between his toes.
SEED-SPITTING CONTEST. Feed your child chunks of watermelon,
orange or tangerine with seeds. You should eat some too. Both
save your seeds. Have your child spit her seed as far as she can.
Try to spit your seed as close to it as possible.
STRAIGHT FACE CHALLENGE. Your child has to keep a straight face
while you try to make him laugh either by gently touching him (avoid sensitive
spots or prolonged tickling) or by making funny faces.
WHEELBARROW. Have child put her hands on floor. Stand behind
her and clasp her firmly by the ankles or just above the knees. Child
“walks” on her hands. This is hard work for the child, so stop as
soon as it becomes tiring.
If you have more children, games like musical chairs and
tug or war offer the kind of challenge that boosts your child’s ability
to love to learn and feel curious and confident that they can face the
world.
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Teaching
our children integrity
One of the greatest gifts to children is a strong
sense of personal values. Helping children develop honesty, self-reliance
and dependability is as important a part of their education as is teaching
them how to read or how to cross the street safely. Values are their best
protection from the influences of peer pressure and the temptations of
our materialistic society.
Values such as thoughtfulness, respect, self-discipline,
trustworthiness, fairness, confidence, responsibility, service, cooperation,
generosity, moderation, sincerity, courage, and contentment don’t just
evolve. Integrity develops by daily experiences that reinforce healthy
principles which guide life.
Daily we make choices about how to respond
to others in life. Life’s experiences either reinforce traits of integrity
or break them down.
Thoughtfulness and respect for others doesn’t
become a way of acting unless children have seen random acts of kindness
and consideration toward others.
Self-discipline expands as limits are clearly
outlined and consistently observed.
Children learn to trust and become trustworthy
as their needs are met. They become suspicious of others if they see hurt
and betrayal modeled by those surrounding them.
Justice and fairness grows only as it is exhibited.
Confidence and self-esteem grow as a child’s
success is recognized and appreciated.
Responsibility is nurtured as children are
given chores and expected to contribute as a member of the family working
together to survive as a team in this world. We learn to serve others in
a spirit of compassion as we feel the warmth of helping someone in need.
We become cooperative as we realize that we ALL have freedom to our own
unique opinion.
True generosity comes not out of guilt or
shame, but out of the joy of helping those who can’t help themselves.
Moderation and balance arise out of a recognition
that our burdens can be shared– as parents become partners in setting a
child’s boundaries and consequences.
Sincerity and honesty is a result of consistency
and routine–knowing that what is promised will happen.
Courage is learned as children see parents
doing the right thing even in the face of difficulty and from feeling supported
as they face the bumps in their pathways.
The spirit of contentment comes as we know
we are doing what is best for us and brings honor to those we respect.
Integrity is a complete package. It doesn’t simply evolve. A good life
is built on principles, consistency, boundaries, logical consequences,
and a lot of love.
Businesses desire employees that will produce
and help the company grow, not workers that will steal from them by taking
extra time at breaks, or by overlooking flaws in their product. Consumers
want the quality they pay for. The hard work of successful parenting is
definitely the most important job in this world!
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Alternatives
to spanking
Specialists in parenting are discovering
that harsh spanking is viewed by a child as a violent act and violence
produces violence.
One specialist wanted to research whether
spanking (defined as “striking the child on the buttocks or extremities
with an open hand without inflicting physical injury, with the intention
to modify behavior”) had effects on children later in life. She believed
there was such a thing as normal use of spanking that would prove not to
be harmful and indeed that is what she found.
Spanking as she defined it did no harm to
children. When parents were seen as loving and caring, teens who had been
spanked as young children did have positive feelings about their punishments.
Punishment, however, doesn’t have to be the
main form of discipline. Spanking says: “I’m bigger, I’m stronger, and
I will control you with pain.” When yelling or criticism is added, our
children’s negative messages become even more harmful than a simple
spanking.
Making mistakes is how learning takes place.
When we constantly try to ”fix” our children through punishment, criticizing,
or yelling, they begin to believe they are bad or not good enough for us.
Punishment is not the only way to give children
defeating beliefs. When we choose an activity other than interacting with
our children, they begin to feel that the other person or activity (like
work, drinking alcohol, watching television, talking on the phone, or dating)
is more important to us than they are. Consequently, they conclude: “I’m
not valuable or important, and maybe I’m not even lovable. If my parents
can’t love me, who will?”
Children function best when they feel good
about who they are. The messages our discipline sends would benefit their
future if it gave them the messages that: they are valued, capable, lovable,
secure, and important to us.
Consistency in enforcing rules and limits,
and relying more on positive consequences contributes more to their security
than pain to control a child’s behavior. What if we became creative in
developing consequences to communicate what we want our children to believe
about themselves when they are adults?
We may have more children doing helpful acts
for neighbors; more children helping around the house; more books being
read; more stories being told; more children running several times around
houses; more children sitting on mom’s laps while they are getting a refill
of love; more children doing something besides watching television and
playing Play Station games!
Positive consequences for socially unacceptable
behavior will bloom into valuable children with lovable personalities and
principle-driven lives.
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We automatically send
secret messages to our children
In talking with children, I discover that parents are sending
messages they never intended. The interpretation may be far different from
the message. When the tone of our voice is harsh or the expression on our
face disapproving, the words are inconsequential.
Sure, we may have missed sleep and had a rough day and feel unappreciated.
Maybe they seem to be ignoring us and we’re really serious! Their rivalry
challenges us to yell above the cacophony. After all, we are their
“boss,” aren’t we?
Frustration mounts. We have no outlets!
It seems we almost don’t exist since they don’t hear and don’t respond.
How else will they know that whatever they’re doing or NOT doing is unacceptable?
When we yell at our children, they hear “You’re not lovable!”
“You’re not good enough!” “You are bad!” “What a disappointment you are.”
“You are in danger!” “Why do you exist?”
Are these messages going to benefit a child? We are shaped more
by our interpretations of events than the event itself. As inaccurate as
these interpretations seem, continually screaming and yelling at our children
destroys their future.
How much better would life be for all of us if we could commit
to refrain from talking in anger. We could simply say to ourselves “I won’t
talk if it may send a message I don’t intend. I’ll wait until I can clearly
let them know what I need and tell them precisely what will happen if they
choose differently.”
Parenting is the most significant job in the world. The result
will determine whether a society will survive. The terror we are seeing
in our world may be a result of disconnected parents and children because
of misinterpreted messages during childhood.
As you have the precious privilege to interact with a child,
enjoy the moments with an inner knowledge that you are contributing to
that child’s positive regard about whom they are in this world. Every message
sent can communicate value, security, and love.
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