Parenting Articles
2001
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Defusing
bombs in teenagers
Bombs. Destruction. Devastation. Damage.
Death. Injury. Trauma. Loss. Pain.
We all probably agree about wanting
to avoid bombs. Yet, in a sense, we allow the bombs of impatience, anger,
and temper to go off frequently, leaving destruction of human souls in
the wake.
Fuses of bombs can be defused, rendering
them safe and impotent. How can we defuse our tendency to blow?
The flame for our fuse is generally
an unmet expectation, or a perception that something is unfair. Dealing
only with these two triggers, which set off our human bombs, let's see
what techniques might make our world a little safer.
For the unmet expectation, we have
several choices. We can change our expectation, or we can choose to react
differently to that expectation.
For instance, if your rebellious,
dissatisfied teenager is disrespectful and rejecting, you probably expect
them always to be polite and considerate. That may be an unrealistic expectation
for an individual trying to decide whom he or she wants to be. Teens often
vacillate between childhood and adulthood.
They often feel like they don't belong.
During our teen's adjustment, if we expect rejection, we won't be as disappointed
as if we don't.
Then, when they make a disrespectful
comment, if we expect the rejection, we can say to ourselves, "They must
be having a tough day. It's not much fun feeling out of sync. What can
I do to help them feel more loved today?"
For the other technique of defusing
the bomb, we will explore a way of defusing the injustice component of
the disrespect.
Usually, when injustice occurs, most
humans feel the burden to balance the wrong. Some lash back and give the
offender words or actions of equal hurt and disrespect. Both parties lose.
Both have lower levels of respect for each other. Both usually feel bad
about the choice to be disrespectful. Consequently, both have damaged self-esteems.
How much differently would the result
be if the adult in this make-believe situation settled the matter of injustice
with more creativity?
What if the response were something
like, "I know you love me. Yet when you talk in that tone of voice, I don't
feel very respected. I'll tell you what, --try getting the message across
again. This time, do it in a tone that helps me feel more respected. I
could hear your message better and I can guarantee you that I will want
to be more cooperative with what you need. I know being a teenager is difficult."
Armed with these two techniques, the
next time you sense a bomb about to blow, pull out these two new ways to
react to an attack from another. You now have the skills to be on the bomb
squad! The self you save may be your own.
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Writing on clean slate
New life, new miracle, and a new grand
baby! He's here after nine months of phenom growth! Unbelievable. One out
of millions of chances that he was born instead of all of his possible
siblings, and we were thinking winning the lottery would great.
Also, he's healthy, and one very important
fact is that although he doesn't know it, two people he will grow to know
as parents get the privilege of writing on his clean slate.
Presently, he has not experienced
resentment, hatred, bitterness, or other emotional hurts. He hasn't
begun to know joy, excitement, anticipation. He has known only contentment
and comfort (he didn't have to be squeezed through the birth canal).
What lies ahead for this new life?
Our environment plays a major role
in whom we become as adults. The millions of interactions this child will
have shape his personality, in part. However, the most important interactions
are those contributed by the most powerful people in his life -- his parents.
They are the most important role models that Greg's will know.
Each day they will face choices. Their's
is the choice to react with support, patience and understanding, hurt,
or indifference. Their ability to anticipate and meet his needs are extremely
important this first year of his life. Being fed when he's hungry, having
adequate time to sleep and rest, being warm and cuddled, clean and comfortable
all give him the gift of trusting others in the future.
As he grows and begins to explore
his world, his parents will need to give him freedoms within safe boundaries
so that he will be gifted with a healthy self-esteem and confidence to
make good choices.
Harsh words, name-calling, criticismand
ignoring this precious new being can begin to drain his tank that contains
love. Seeming to withdraw love when he doesn't meet their expectations
could bring further damage to his being that otherwise has so much potential.
Choices. Parents have choices to either
contribute to, or tear down this vital spirit within this new grand baby.
Great gain can be realized if the choices are to validate and encourage
this child as he grows. Much loss results if they don't.
Parents, with each choice you make
in interacting with or around the child-gift that has blessed your life,
ask your self two questions. "Will what I'm about to do build up, or reduce
the quality of the being inside?" Making right choices will benefit everyone
in the future.
Choosing to yell, degrade, reduce,
show apathy, and misunderstanding, cause not only the child to lose, but
also you and society. They will have less to give as they grow into adults
and make choices. Less to give in their relationships, in their career
or work efforts.
So, be aware that it is a privilege
to write on the slate of the precious children in your care. Give the gift
of feeling valued, being cared about, and belonging. After all, a parent's
job is the most important job in the world.
The words of a wise man printed under
a picture of an infant's hand in the giant hand of his dad are: "Kindness
in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness,
kindness in giving creates love." As parents with this understanding, we
can change the world.
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Stress of
abuse shapes brain
The stress of child abuse and neglect may do more than
just affect the way a person looks at life, new research suggests.
Abuse may result in permanent physical changes to the developing brain
and as adults, these changes can cause psychological problems in adulthood.
Childhood stress may produce changes in both brain
function and structure. Dr. Martin H. Teicher, of the McLean Hospital,
Belmont, Massachusetts says "These changes are permanent, and they are
not something people can just get over."
Teicher's team identified four abnormalities in
the brain that were much more prevalent in adults who had been abused and
neglected as children than they were in adults who had suffered no abuse.
Consequently, the investigators found that adults
who had been abused as children were more likely to experience epileptic
seizures caused by changes to the part of the brain that controls the stressful
emotions.
“Emotions that accompany these seizures include
sadness, embarrassment, anger, explosive laughter (usually without
feeling happy), serenity, and quite often, fear," Teicher explains.
The researchers also found that abused children
were twice as likely as non-abused children to have an abnormal electroencephalogram
(EEG)--a reading that measures electrical activity of the brain. In addition,
abnormal EEGs were associated with increased aggression and self-destructive
behavior.
Consequently, it was noted that deficient development
of the left side of the brain in adults abused as children, may lead
to depression and memory problems.
The transfer of information from the left to the
right side of their brain did not occur as efficiently as those who
had not been abused, the report indicates. The researchers suggest that
this may be caused by a decrease in the size of the bridge between the
two halves of the brain.
Interestingly, Teicher and colleagues found a difference
between boys and girls in the response to type of abuse. Neglect
was more likely to reduce the size of the bridge in boys. But, sexual abuse
had no effect. In girls, sexual abuse caused a decrease in the size,
and neglect had no effect.
In a journal about brain functioning, Teicher explains
that the trauma of abuse causes various effects, including changes in hormones
and chemicals released by brain cells that result in sections of the brain
being changed.
"We know that an animal exposed to stress and neglect
early in life develops a brain that is wired to react with fear,
anxiety and stress," Teicher said. The same is most likely true of people.
Stress and abuse makes it difficult to deal with the trials of daily life.
It robs us of experiencing the joy of relationships.
For all of us that interact with children, one
question can determine our choice of words and actions. We could ask ourselves,
“Will what I’m about to do or say contribute to, or damage this precious
child’s ability to function in the future?” Hopefully, we will all make
the wisest choice; the one that will help create a brighter future for
us all.
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Emotional homelessness
Trust is learned
in the family setting because they are fed, clothed, sheltered, nurtured
and educated. This is what brings that warm sense of HOME. Unfortunately,
it is also where children are often manipulated, forced, degraded, and
filled with destructive beliefs about their being. Their survival is dependent
upon adults. Violence robs children of the sense of security and comfort
they deserve when they think of home.
Sadly, many homes are the most violent places in America.
In 1995, the FBI reported that 27% of all violent crime involves family
and often occurs in the home. Children often witness, or are victims of,
these violent crimes.
In-home abuse and domestic violence account for
the majority of physical and emotional violence suffered by children in
this country. This violence takes many forms. The child may witness the
assault of her mother by father or boyfriend. Or the child may be the direct
victim of physical or emotional violence from father, mother or even older
siblings.
Commonly, some children try to intervene and protect
their mother or sibling. Unfortunately, innocent children sense a constant
threat of physical harm or the threat of being abandoned. They wonder where
they might live, who would buy their groceries, where they would sleep
if their family is divided.
In homes where no physical or emotional violence
is present, children are still bathed in violent images. The average child
spends more than three hours a day watching television. Television, video
games, music and movies have become increasingly violent. The average 18-year-old
will have viewed 200,000 acts of violence on television. Even with solid
parental involvement and training provided by a healthy home and community,
this pervasive media violence increases aggression and antisocial behavior.
Daily exposure to these images brings a sense that the world is more dangerous
than it is. Also, children become less reactive to future violence.
Media images of power and violence are major sources
of social and cultural values. They serve to reinforce any violence youth
have seen modeled at home.
Outside of home, juveniles now account for almost
one in five violent crimes. Heinous violence in schools has placed fear
in the hearts of school children. Yet the more common forms of school violence
are intimidation, threat and simple assault between students. For thousands
of children, school is not safe. It does not feel like their intended home
away from home.
Evidence suggests that exposure to violence alters
the developing brain by altering normal nerve transmissions. The results
are certain increases in anxiety, which can cause a variety of physical
responses. The heart beats faster, adrenalin is elevated, thoughts become
jumbled, more stomach acid is produced, muscles tense, and sleep becomes
difficult. Eventually the body may show signs of wearing down. Depression
may set in and the tolerance for stress will disappear.
A stressed, worn-out nervous system motivates use
of illegal drugs and alcohol. Poor decisions which have permanent consequences
can make life difficult. All of this results when we allow violence
to enter our world. The importance of setting limits on the harmful pollution
of our personal emotional world can positively affect our grandchildren
for generations to come. Each of us is very significant and powerful. This
is a choice that we, as adults, can control and model for the children
in our world. Would any of us would want the children in our lives to feel
emotionally homeless?
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I am my parent
“I’ve become
just like my mom! And that’s the LAST person I want to be like.” Have you
ever heard that comment? It makes you wonder how much power we have over
our personality. Sometimes we may hear a phrase or tone of voice that sounds
very familiar. It may almost sound like a recording from a generation ago.
Or, the opposite, if we happen to have a parent that
was lacking in the area of responsibility or assertiveness, we have probably
become super-responsible or very assertive. Our early years leave their
imprint on our personality and behavior because of the internal messages
we were given.
Imagine a child being punished at school for something
they didn’t do. When their mom or dad doesn’t sympathize or believe their
innocence claimed, the message that child gets is: “No one believes in
me!” If that message is reinforced, a major purpose in life becomes the
drive to be either really dependable or completely unreliable.
Let’s watch a child who doesn’t feel important
because his parents don’t come to PTO or sports events to watch performances.
The belief they begin to hold is: “I am not very important.” Again, they
will be more likely to make their choices in life based on the motivation
to be the MOST important or the LEAST noticeable in their family and work
groups.
If I feel like nothing I do is good enough for
one of my parents, I will either go as far as I can in my efforts to achieve,
trying to please them. Or, I will be irresponsible and lazy.
We may also develop a predictable pattern when
one parent is inadequate or non assertive and the other parent is controlling
and abusive. Perhaps in a violent home, the mother doesn’t defend herself
and wilts when the father verbally or physically attacks her. At least
one of the children will likely feel the responsibility to protect their
mom. They become mature beyond their years. They may stand up to their
dad, forbidding him to continue hurting their mom. As a result, they miss
the joy and freedom of childhood. They have taken on adult responsibilities
as a child.
Perhaps their mom suffers from major depression
and doesn’t seek help. Helplessness is demonstrated by a mom not cooking,
not cleaning the house, and not managing the younger children. This often
places the oldest child in a parental role before they reach puberty.
Often children develop the opposite characteristics
of their parents. They work hard, make sure their children never feel or
experience the things that plagued their childhood. Or, if they give up,
they duplicate their childhood for their own children.
Children need peace and reasonable responsibilities.
Chores and reasonable choices are great for building their self-esteem
and sense of importance. But heavy burdens of responsibility deprive them
of the playful freedom of youth. Adult stability has its foundation in
childhood. That foundation is built by daily routines that are consistent,
predictable, and considerate of all in their world. Reasonable responsibility
with limits and consequences are the cornerstone. Feeling really loved
from time, touch, acts that serve, gifts, and words that build forms the
cement that holds the foundation together.
Without that firm foundation, children grow anxious.
Thinking and choosing grows clouded. Out of fear, they feel compelled to
become someone other than they were designer-gened to be.
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Weeds of Life
After tons
of sand and bags of fertilizer, our yard is a gorgeous spring green. But,
weeds and wild onions give this lawn an ugly green rash. Our dream is an
even-colored, smooth, consistent, lush, ground cover just like the beautiful
putting greens on a golf course.
Noticing these weeds I began to ponder life and the
weeds that clutter and complicate our days. Parallels and metaphors rushed
through my mind!
Weeds, like problems in our lives, keep cropping
up, not because we want them to, but just because they exist. Weeds result
when the lawn is not cultivated and fertilized, or when it is abused or
neglected.
So, like our lawns, how are our lives cultivated
and fertilized? Mostly by feeling loved, nurtured, and cared for.
When we belong to a family that is consistent and creates a sense of togetherness,
roots of the life-weeds can’t get started in our soul-soil. If random acts
and words of kindness are the rule, if time is spent talking and laughing,
if touch is appropriate and caring, if we give small tokens of our love,
weeds have a difficult time surviving.
Unfortunately, the roots of our weeds began many
years ago when we felt threatened or hurt by another’s behavior, attitude,
or words. We began to believe that we were worthless, stupid, guilty, or
maybe just not good enough.
These negative thoughts and beliefs seem to feed
the “problem-weeds” that mess up the present. Often, these beliefs
are inaccurate and unexamined. Fortunately, they can be “rounded-up” and
eliminated with therapy, sometimes combined with medication, for astounding
results.
Weed-seeds are often dropped by someone who flies
into our young life. It may be a neighbor, daycare staff, classmate, teacher,
or simply a part of our family. The pressure to door be something unnatural
in order to be loved and accepted can ruin the fertilizer for the healthy
life.
Water and sunshine are absolutely necessary for
a healthy lawn. Three human needs, if met, would provide the vital enrichments
which represent water and sunshine:
CONSISTENT ENCOURAGEMENT AND POSITIVE INTERACTION
from our immediate family members, DAILY. How would the yard look if it
only had sunshine and water every other weekend? What would be the effect
of constant harsh chemicals (words or actions) on this metaphorical lawn?
Wouldn’t neglect fade the rich color?
SPIRITUAL NURTURING from God and a larger church
family provides extra hardiness to life. During a drought, reserve nutrients
can be available to bring some sprinkling rain for soul survival. These
droplets can magnify the sunlight from the nutrient of encouragement. Without
this extra resource, the tender blades will fade and die.
POSITIVE EXAMPLES. Parents actions in the treatment
of others completes this trilogy of enriching nutrients. Kindness, consideration,
respect, and honor shown especially within the family unit deepen the roots
of the healthy life.
This security provides the nutrient that perpetuates
and expands the possibilities of the future excellent health of a lawn-life.
These vital components enrich the life so well that the weed’s seeds or
roots cannot take hold. The turf will be solid and sturdy.
The satisfaction of a healthy lawn is worth ALL
the effort. Much as the fulfillment realized when our children mature and
bring delight to their own children and their world
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Magic of the music
None of us
would debate music is powerful to a human being, but what happens in our
mind when music is absorbed? Music is a precious gift, designed to uplift
and inspire the soul.
The music industry banks on a culture that can’t live
without the intriguing harmony of voices and instruments combining rhythm,
lyrics, chords and pathos.
Something happens within us when we listen to music.
Some call noises music. I believe the purpose of
music is to calm the spirit inside us, move us to a deeper experience within
our human relationships, and change the electrical activity in our brains.
Babies go to sleep with lullabies, couples get married with music surrounding
the ceremony, teens study with music, and the music of funerals comforts
us with thoughts and memories of the loved one lost.
Students with musical training seem to have an
advantage in math ability, especially in areas related to reasoning such
as in calculations using fractions or proportions. Perhaps music should
be a core curriculum class rather than extracurricular.
Music seems to create a connection between the
two hemispheres of the brain.
Therefore, music is considered a right-brain activity,
while math is a left-brain activity. When music and math are combined,
a person is engaged not only in the process of thinking but also in areas
of social, emotional creative, language and physical development.
When a child hears “Oh, where is my hairbrush?”
they are matching and comparing tones as they learn to sing or play this
delightful tune. Their developing mind is unconsciously analyzing pitch,
volume, and rhythm patterns and sequences through the melody, rhythm, and
lyrics.
Add hand movements or clapping to the beat, and
you have an entire package of learning in one song. Music gives a wonderful
developmental gift to children.
Even for senior citizens, music-making greatly
improves the quality of life.
A recent study demonstrated noticeably lower anxiety
and depression scores after only 10 weeks of keyboard lessons. Scores for
loneliness were lower in the group learning to play music. In fact, this
group had almost double amounts of a hormone preventing wrinkling and osteoporosis,
while increasing muscle strength.
We can think more clearly, learn more easily, make
better decisions, and simply feel better when we aren’t plagued with anxiety
or depression.
So, if you want your children to do better in math,
and you want more calm, peace, and relaxation at home, turn off the TV
and turn on the music.
Better yet, sing a song or take some long awaited
music lessons! Life is definitely superior with the gift of music.
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Pure family fun
Frantic is a word that describes the pace most families
have these days. Schedules, appointments, overdue bills, television, computers,
games, lessons, church and work dominate our free time. Fun is something
that is becoming a rarity, a forgotten pleasure. But, coming in August
at the Tivoli Theater in Chattanooga, will be a play that is most delightful
for all.
We laughed our way through this play at the Playhouse
in Crossville, Tennessee. A valuable deposit was placed in our memory bank
for those days when it seems we don’t do anything but work.
“Honk” is a twist on the classic tale of “The Ugly
Duckling.” The waddling mother patiently awaited the frightening chain-saw
break-out of her last “duckling” egg. When she saw that he had drumsticks
like an ostrich, and was an oversized duckling with a big bill, she almost
instantly adjusted to this awkward child. She sang a precious song that
would touch the heart of any mother when she recognizes the uniqueness
in her own offspring. “Every tear a mother cries is a dream that’s washed
away.”
A universal doubt with which we all identify was
the theme of the play. “I’m different.” The ugly duckling tried, as do
we, to understand the rejection he experienced. He struggled with what
qualities in himself justified being left out, jeered and scorned.
Just like we tend to do, he assumed that because of the cruelty of others
toward him, the fault must lie within.
There was a “goose chase” to goose a pesty, nine-lived
cat after his deceitful pretense of being trusting Ugly’s friend. The duckling
lost a sparkle in his eye when he realized that others were willing to
use him just to get what they wanted.
One turkey friend seemed fairly depressed just
before Thanksgiving, but the way he strutted when he made it through alive
reminded me of the crises we all face. The relief on the other side is
something to glory in.
Though I don’t want to spoil the story for you,
more emotion surfaced when there was distance between this mother and her
special duckling. The joys of motherhood are always balanced with the fears
of inadequacy and letting our children down or losing them to one of the
many damaging forces in this world.
While lost and alone, this fearless duckling encountered
many colorful creatures. My favorite was the aesthetically challenged frog.
Attempting to encourage the star of the play, this overweight un-handsome
prince reassured him that somewhere out there was someone that could love
him, warts and all.
Airforce flying aces came to his rescue at one
point and tried to return him to the mother he loved and adored. A red-headed
housecat and her friend, the chicken, befriended Ugly for a humorous interlude.
Toward the end of the play, complications leave Ugly apparently dead in
a snowstorm.
If you want to know how it ends, call for tickets,
toll-free. 1-877-868-8710. The dates are on Fridays, August 10, 17,
and 24 at 8:00 p.m. Tickets for youth groups are $10 and $14. Children’s
tickets are $12 and $16 while adults cost $21 and $25. Group rates are
available. Make some memories having pure fun with the important people
in your life.
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All the world’s a stage
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women
merely players. They have their exits and their entrances . . . ” Our roles
may be somewhat beyond our control. The script for this play has already
been written by the choices made by previous generations.
Families remain in balance by each member taking
on different roles. Each role has an expected pattern of behavior and emotion,
which disguises the family sickness, and maintains the family balance.
The stronger these roles, the more difficult it is to break free of them.
Take, for example, an alcoholic family. A
parent has a problem with alcohol. The other family members are punished
when they confront it, so everyone pretends the problem doesn’t exist.
Usually, the other parent gives up confronting the problem directly and
becomes the "Chief Enabler." Their role helps to maintain the appearance
that everything is fine.
The children in the family will take on some very
specific roles as well. The 'scapegoat' is often the firstborn child. Instead
of the parents assuming responsibility and looking at the real issues in
their marriage and in the family, they put all of the family trouble or
badness on this scapegoat. All of the energy within the family is focused
on this child and their "problem."
The 'hero,' another very important role, is the
child who makes the family look good to outsiders. The ‘hero’ serves the
family well. If anyone suspects that something is wrong with the family,
they look at the ‘hero’ and say, "They can't be that bad. Look at their
wonderful son!"
If there are enough children in the family, another
role may be the family "Comic." This child offers comic relief in the family
when tensions from the dysfunction and pain build too high. Playing this
role is simply a means of coping with the pain felt from the neglect, abuse,
violence, and sickness of the family.
The 'lost child' is sometimes known as the "Perfect
Child," usually the youngest, who gets lost in all the family turmoil.
They do fairly well and seldom make any waves in the family. They don’t
feel the chaos the other family members feel because they are insulated
by the other children in front of them who serve as substitute parents
and raise this child in many ways. Because the ‘lost child’ isn’t a problem,
they are often overlooked by the parents. They often become an ‘enabler-in-training’
and often end up repeating the patterns of the parents in their own marriages
and family by hiding, lying for, and excusing the problem spouse when cover
is needed.
A final role that develops in families is
the ‘Violent Child.’ This is an angry child who learns to act out in aggressive
and violent ways, both within and outside the family. Often diagnosed with
a Conduct Disorder, the violent child may be a fire-starter, enjoy inflicting
pain on animals or other people, and be socially isolated and inept, and
is often picked on and bullied in school. He often shows a great interest
in guns, bombs, violent video games, and 'blood-and-gore' horror movies.
Their role distracts the attention and concern of the rest of the family,
bringing the balance needed to keep the family from falling apart.
A healthy family identifies the roles they have
been playing and faces the truth regarding the hurt and damage within.
Only then can each member be who they really are rather than the actor
designated to prevent dealing with the problems within.
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The other
option for discipline
Damage to fragile beings occurs in the context of discipline.
In order to gain compliance from children, adults who are many times larger
use tactics such as pain, verbal threats, intimidations, and depriving
strategies. These all dull the sparkle in the eyes of the receiver.
Besides positive reinforcement, negative consequences
and corporal punishment, the world hasn’t come up with many creative approaches
designed to discourage negative behavior. So, I guess we have to develop
our own North Alabama way to deal with misbehaving children.
What can be done quietly, in private, that will
be successful? What will benefit the child, while disrupting our lives
and their self-images the least?
Besides speaking the child’s love language by meeting
their needs which result in fuller emotional love tanks, something I call
enrichment has been very successful for some parents. When an undesired
behavior is demonstrated, the child earns a 10 minute block of activity
which resembles a homework assignment. The activity can be in any area
that you would like your child to excel. Perhaps it is simply reading several
pages in a book, or doing ten math problems. Maybe it is typing on a keyboard
improving their speed, or practicing a musical instrument. To improve their
vocabulary, give five new words that you can drill them on at the end of
their enrichment time. If they have an artistic bent, working in an art
workbook may be just the thing for your child. In the event that their
whining, begging, or disrespect continues, they may earn up to 30-60 minutes
of enrichment, depending on their age.
One mother’s success of how enrichments are helping
extinguish negative behaviors follows.
“I was running out of consequences that had any
meaning to my children. Enrichments get my children's attention and they
are much more positive than any other system that I have used.
“A piece of graph paper on the fridge tracks each
enrichment that is earned and completed. All enrichments must be completed
before playing, TV, computer or going outside.
“Enrichments are just that, something that helps
my children improve as a person. I choose skills my children need practice
or remediation in and that skill becomes their enrichment assignment. It
might be a math worksheet, a reading assignment, a book report or a session
with the typing tutor on the computer.
“To be fair, we had a practice week before beginning
the new system. We went over our family rules and then throughout the week,
I pointed out what behaviors and actions would be receiving enrichments.
The next week, we started our program.
“This is working very well for me. I am able to
be consistent and fair. I am also much calmer. Discipline no longer takes
the huge amount of energy that it used to. Instead of yelling, pleading,
lecturing and explaining over and over, I just dole out an enrichment.
I am much calmer, the children are calmer and they are getting a positive
consequence in that they are working on necessary life skills.
“I'll probably continue to expand the types of
enrichment as I think of creative ideas. At first, we had so many enrichments
that I thought neither child would ever be able to go out of the house
again!But, after a little over a month with this program, most of the enrichments
that I give are for hurtful habits and routines that we are trying to break
as a family. I am so glad that you helped me come up with a better way!
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The Perfect Mom
Most mothers want to be the BEST mom in the world.
However, most mom’s have times they feel like failures as parents.
A creative local 11 year old boy was gifted with
a creative local teacher last year in school. When she gave an assignment
to her class to write an essay about the student’s favorite person, the
young man’s essay found it’s way to my desk. Since it touched my heart,
I thought it may touch your hearts and give you the encouragement and reassurance
you may need to know how important the role of a mother is in the life
of a child. What follows is an unedited version--a glimpse into the mind
of a child.
“My mom is one of my favorite people. There are
four things I like the most about her. They are the way she looks, how
she sounds, how she acts, and the way she makes me feel when I am around
her.
“First, my mom looks like an angel from heaven.
My mom has brown, curly hair that curves into her shoulders. She has a
good-looking muscular body with an inny bellybutton. Her nails are long,
but not too long. She has brown eyes that sparkle when you look at them,
and her lips are pink with just hardly any red. She wears a little make-up
that makes her even more beautiful.
“My mom has kind of a normal pitched voice. When
she sings, it sounds like angels are singing. She sings in church and all
around the house. She is one of the best singers I know.
“My mom acts like she doesn’t have any stress,
but she does have stress, I know, because my brother and I usually cause
it. She helps my brother and me with our homework. She is very trustworthy,
and she doesn’t get mad over little things, like once we went into a store
and the casheir was grumpy and rude, but my mom still acted nice and didn’t
get mad.
“My mom makes me feel wonderful. When I am around her,
she helps me feel appreciated. When I am around her, I feel cool. I love
being around her.
“I hope what I wrote told you a lot about my mom,
and I hope now you know how much I love her.”
So, he summarized it for you pretty well. The way
she looked was his number one factor which made her lovable. The facial
expressions, the eye contact, keeping our physical being as attractive
as possible, are all important to children.
The way we sound makes an impact on maturing ears.
The tones of our collective voices when we make requests, and reply to
their’s has a great opportunity to draw their hearts to ours.
How we act, not only around the house but in public,
is noticed by childish eyes. They are taking notes which will write their
scripts when they are parents and adults.
How a mother makes a child feel when they are around
her is the greatest contributor to self-esteem and confidence in life’s
great challenges such as marriage, education, and career.
His letter convinced me that being a mother is
the greatest profession around! Why? Because mothers shape the destiny
of the world.
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Disaster and children
As I listened to the world-stunning telecast about
the recent disastrous tragedy, it was hard to sort out my feelings, let
alone figure out what it must feel like when sifted through a young mind.
As parents and important adults in the life of
a child, we must listen closely to learn what they are really thinking.
How can we reassure them about their future? Is there anything we can do
to help make their world any safer. Expect to discuss this for the rest
of their lives.
We are the only ones that can help our children
heal when they are hurting emotionally. There are specific actions which
will benefit our precious children.
Events like this make you realize you can't protect
them from everything. As a parent, our basic instinct is to want to keep
our children safe. We can try to make the world a more peaceful place by
paying attention to how our children feel and by giving them the tools
to make sense of their world with words.
To begin with we can do a lot of listening. Children
are helped just by knowing that they can share their thoughts or fears
with their parents. If your child is reluctant to talk, don't jump in and
say what you think they are experiencing. Start the conversation with gentle
questions about their feeling.
After listening, we can respond in supportive ways.
If your child does admit to being afraid, it's important not to ignore
or to gloss over his feelings. Comfort him, letting him know that you are
there for him and that the you will work through this together.
Preschoolers don't often have the vocabulary to
tell adults what they are feeling. So how can you tell if your child is
upset about the recent tragic events thye have seen or heard about? Here
are some signs:
Eating or sleeping habits change. Your child, who
used to eat all of his dinner, may suddenly have no appetite or want to
eat only his favorite food. He may also be afraid to go to bed or have
trouble sleeping through the night.
Your child may start acting out. She may be more
likely to display destructive behavior, such as picking a fight with a
sibling, hitting or pushing friends, playing roughly with a family pet,
or tearing apart a favorite toy.
Your child may crave more of your attention. Your
youngster may cling to you more than usual or resist going to school. This
may be because he is fearful and doesn't want to let you out of his sight
for fear a similar tradgedy may occur.
Your child could exhibit physical signs of stress.
She may have stomachaches or pull at her hair. If you see such changes
in your child, ask her how she's feeling or if something is worrying her.
Sometimes just talking out a problem with you can be a big help to an anxious
child
If your child's worry persists, it may be that
more is troubling her than just a tragic event. The events of daily life
can be extremely trying for a child. If these symptoms persist, speaking
to a professional may be a beneficial option for both you and your child.
Security is a basic desperate need for every child. Everything we can do
to promote this sense of security contributes to the future of our children’s
world.
Top of page
I became
the Father I never had!
In psychiatric circles a disorder that has been described
as Reactive Attachment Disorder arises from a damaged relationship between
the child and one or both parents. Most often, parents have an addiction
problem that prevents them from meeting the basic needs of a child. Children
desperately need to feel loved, secure, and that they belong.
Anything that prevents the child from having regular
contact with parents causes this bonding problem. Distrust is born. This
is one of the reasons that teenage pregnancy is so devastating. Very few
of the marriages succeed. Children are left to pay the price because they
interpret never having had a father or mother to mean that they are unwanted,
unlovable, unimportant, and worthless.
The child begins to react inappropriately to others
socially. Either they don’t talk much and seem to ignore the cues of others,
or they invade the space of those around them. Family members may notice
that verbal skills are missing or that they don’t respond to attempts
at hugs or playing with them. Sometimes it may seem that the child will
be clingy and affectionate even with strangers. Alternatively, they may
push others away.
Commonly in the history of a child with Reactive
Attachment Disorder is having been left with different caretakers most
of their early life. Often the people chosen to care for the child were
also inadequate in giving the secure love and belonging vital to a healthy
personality. The child’s need of regular schedules for sleep, feeding,
bathing or diapering were frequently ignored.
Child abuse not only occurs from physical damage
or sexual stimulation. Neglect of the child’s needs can do the same damage
to the being of a developing child. Neglect of human needs seems to alter
brain chemicals that govern thoughts, moods, learning, and reasoning.
It is possible to never really know our father
or mother because of neglect, inadequate management of divorce, death,
or adoption. As a result, much of our life is spent in inadequate efforts
to insure that our needs are met and that our children never experience
the deprivation we did.
However, because of faulty interpretations of who
we are, we form relationships that damage others and ourselves. Before
we know it, we have become the father we never had and have neglected or
deserted our own children. Guilt and shame rule. We become impossible to
live with and fail at most relationships. Anger predominates, addictions
rule, and our past repeats.
Our children are given away or taken away by the
state in an attempt to give them a chance. The sadness that follows robs
precious children in the next generation of being able to have a genuine
sparkle in their eye and the desire to bounce in their play.
As parents our greatest responsibility is to insure
that our children know they are very much wanted, loved, important and
most valuable to us. We do that by simply giving them a regular routine,
schedule, rules, consequences, having fun with them, consistently giving
affection, appreciation, acceptance, kindness, and respect.
As adults, we have choices. Meeting the needs of
children has the highest level of reward. You will have changed the world.
Who knows, you may have prevented a Sadam Husein, an Osama Bin-Laden, or
an Adolf Hitler.