Parenting Articles
2000
Return to Tom and Arlene's Home Page
Giving healthy roots
The root system to trees and plants determines
the health of the fruit. With our children, it is very similar.
If they face adulthood with a weak root system, they will have problems
bearing the fruits of happiness. Rarely does a parent want
to cultivate a legacy of weak roots.
Parents have the awesome responsibility to
nurture and strengthen the important sources for future self-confidence,
self-reliance, and self-discipline. It is the consistency of daily
patterns that keep these vital roots healthy. Which patterns, you
ask?
Allowing feelings. When our children
are crying, instead of saying, "Why are you crying? You'll be OK,"
we say, "It really hurts doesn't it?" When there is anger, recognize
it and acknowledge the reality that when things don't go the way we expect
them, it is frustrating. Only then can we negotiate ways to avoid
that toxic emotion in the future.
Respect. To harm or destroy another
person or their property with words or actions strangles the root system
of a child. To hear yelling, cursing, or to see violence toward each
other or toward animals binds the roots and prevents emotional wholeness.
Physical and sexual abuse of children puts that child's life on hold sometimes
for many years.
These mutilations of root systems plague future
relationships. Vital to healthy roots are limits on any form of disrespect
combined with logical consequences.
Memories. Spending fun times with our
family, perhaps simply reading or playing games, throwing balls or frisbees,
working on projects around the house together grows roots. The memories
we make as a family are deposits for future withdrawals when our children
encounter some disappointments, discouragements, and hurts.
Talking and sharing. Everybody thinks.
How valued we feel when someone listens to our ideas and thoughts.
We learn from each other as we share the stories that shape the way
we see the world!
Understanding our differences helps us accept
each other more completely. Through sharing we grow to appreciate
each other and strengthen the bonds that hold us together.
Learning together. Family outings that
teach, books that explore the past, TV or community programs that expand
our world, have the potential to bind us together. Spending time
researching a topic of interest on the computer can even pull a family
together.
In this era of technology, the principle remains
the same. Our emotional health depends in a large part upon
the family that brings us into the world. Experiment! Keep
this list of "root-builders" on your refrigerator. Check it each
day to make sure you have cared for the roots that give your children healthy
wings.
When they fly out into the world, they will
fly with a much higher chance for happiness.
Top of Page
Giving our children a pair of wings
We not only want to give our children roots. They need wings
to fly into the world as a young adult.
Too late, we sometimes learn that adulthood requires some skills
that we did not get an opportunity to develop in our childhood and adolescent
years. The wings for our young adults have been growing since birth.
Giving our children wings is the most important job of parenting.
Trust develops as parents consistently cuddle, feed, change,
provide routines, protect, and talk gently to their infants. If they
do not gain trust during this first year, they will become adults that
are jealous and suspicious of others.
Self-confidence is nurtured when we give our toddlers two safe
choices. As they make "good choices," they begin to believe in themselves
and the decisions they will face in the future. Experiencing logical
consequences when they make dangerous or immoral choices will contribute
to a pattern of making the right choices more often.
Responsibility begins as our children have assigned chores that
we know they can do well. Feeling good and having an ownership about
what they contribute to the family functioning gives children that satisfying
feeling of belonging and approval. If we criticize or fail to notice
the things they do for us, they will begin to do less and less to
contribute to the family. Being successful in school work contributes
to this willingness to accept responsibility. If the wings of responsibility
are inadequate, the young adult may tend to blame others and fail to accept
responsibility for their behaviors.
Self-motivation develops during the school years as we affirm
our children for the hard work of learning and working at achieving.
If they have learning disabilities or attention disorders that go untreated,
the resulting underdeveloped wing will leave our young adult with little
interest or desire for learning or growing intellectually and emotionally.
Self-esteem wings are tested during adolescent years. If
the other wings have a good beginning, this period will be more comfortable.
They will not have to wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Gap to be accepted.
They know their value lies in who they are, not in what they wear.
Integrity in relationships blossoms into the commitments that
they will make as they fly into adulthood out of our nests. With
a healthy development of the previous wings, their marriages and career
ventures will be positive and rewarding. Infidelity will not be a
problem. Dependability will be assured.
When we have given our young adults well-developed wings, we
can relax as they fly into the world from our family nest. They will
be back as our friends.
Top of Page
The hickory stick brings
a cycle of bad feelings
What is really taught to the tune of the hickory stick?
Did it ever really help a child learn to read or write?
Think back to the thoughts you had when you were being physically
punished.
Did you get the idea that you could only be loved when you were
not being yourself? Could children come to the conclusion that there
must be something wrong with them? That they must not be OK?
Through the eyes of that child, what must it feel like to be
painfully spanked by someone three or four times bigger and stronger than
they are? Do they begin to believe that the power and privilege to
hurt others comes with size and strength?
What other emotions might form at a time like that? Anger?
Defensiveness? Hurt? Shame? Guilt? Humiliation?
All are emotions that damage the spirit of a human being.
How much more we can give to our child if we allow them to suffer
consequences that help them grow in self-confidence, self- control and
self-esteem. We can avoid the negative emotions and encourage positive
ones like feeling loved, respected, and adequate. How different would
a child be as an adult that experienced mostly positive rather than negative
emotions?
Well, the research shows that when we harbor negative emotions
toward our parents, we have a much more difficult time in our marriage
and parenting responsibilities. If we treat our major hurts as insignificant,
we are more likely to experience a divorce and have behavior problems with
our children and teens.
Rather than punishment, why not try discipline? A child's
life filled with logical consequences can teach them big lessons.
It may take a little more time, but it will be well worth it!
Prepare. Anticipate problems ahead. Grocery
store trips don't have to be miserable. Let them know what you expect
and what the consequence will be if they can't stay within your limits.
Ownership of the problems they encounter when they step outside
of your boundaries is important. When they suffer disappointment
when they lose a privilege after making a poor choice rather than feeling
physical pain, they are less likely to make that choice in the future.
Options to solve their problems can be given very early.
Do they want to play with the blocks or the toy phone? They learn
that we trust them to make right choices.
Dignity can be preserved by discipline rather than punishment.
We can give the message to our precious children that they are valuable
and their feelings are acceptable. Who could ask for anything more?
Top of Page
About Divorce
When couples divorce, they are not free from
the emotional grip of their ex- spouse. Divorce marks the death of
the family, but not the death of emotional ties. This is especially
so if there are children involved.
Children have no say in a decision that profoundly
affects them for the rest of their lives. During and after divorce,
children describe their response as feeling very empty. Many times
they feel they really don't have a place to call home anymore.
Problems that lead to divorce can usually
be solved. There are remedies for poor communication, a lack of affection,
feeling controlled, unfaithfulness, and nagging. What if we divorce
the old marriage and start over with new patterns and the same partner
with whom we have a history and children?
Divorce may not be the best solution to an
uncomfortable problem. This is the most important decision a married
couple will ever make.
Divorce is emotionally, financially and spiritually
devastating for EVERYONE involved. The problems it is supposed to
solve, poor communication, nagging, controlling, being unfaithful, having
a low desire for affection, are still going to be present in future relationships.
A piece of paper doesn't magically change faulty patterns of behavior.
The two most common reasons people divorce
is to escape a painful or loveless and destructive relationship and to
enjoy a more satisfying life. These goals are not always accomplished
through divorce.
Life after divorce is almost always more complicated
and difficult than expected. The explanation for this truth is that
both partners have developed roles, beliefs, and habit patterns that have
contributed to the disastrous marriage.
Divorce creates new problems. A woman's standard
of living decreases by 73% while men's increases by 42%. Alimony
is becoming a thing of the past.
Forty percent of women who divorce after 30
do not ever remarry. Loneliness becomes a major reality.
It is difficult to escape the sadness of the
loss and failure.
Children of all ages ALWAYS lose a great deal.
Divorce becomes the most central experience of their lives.
Anything couples can do to make their marriages work can prevent the adverse
effects of severe conflict or divorce.
Instead of staying in marriages for children,
we need to be studying how to stay happy for the kids! Living for
years with conflict and strife is not doing any favors for children.
Even if divorce is the only solution, parents
can work hard at cooperating with each other and being respectful to minimize
the discomfort for their precious, innocent children.
Top of Page
A Most Important Decision
The idea that we choose our spouse based on the
quality of parenting they will give to our future children may seem bizarre.
However, it is one of the most important things to consider before becoming
a participant in procreation.
Unfortunately, many realize too late that
they failed to consider the potential partner's parenting abilities.
Several years later, after many disappointing
experiences, it is evident that we made a poor choice. For example,
our uncontrolled anger sometimes results in the suffering and trauma of
abuse to our children. Our children may be fearful from witnessing
and receiving violent acts or words within the family unit.
In addition, our financial inability to provide
food, adequate housing, diapers and clothes gives our children a sense
of insecurity. Often our immature attitudes toward our own parents
and other mature adults separate us from their emotional support.
They could help give our children a sense of belonging in a world that
makes little sense.
Sometimes, too late, we realize that we cannot
deal with the life we have created. The state or relatives are forced
to take the responsibility of parenting our children. While they
may really love our children, the separation places a devastating belief
of inadequacy in the hearts of those children. They begin to wonder
what they did that would make them unlovable by the very people who should
have loved them the most. Needless to say, they did not ask to enter this
world and they did not get to choose who would love and nurture them.
The responsibility of future parents to their
unborn children is great. If unprepared, the cost is high.
In the aftermath of abuse, neglect, separation, the child begins to believe
they are undesirable. A lifetime of difficulty follows. A volatile
beginning presents itself through a child's poor self-image, fear, sadness,
and lack of hope. Consequently, our society reflects this in
the high rates of school dropouts, suicides, arrests, promiscuity, teen
pregnancy, divorces and bankruptcies.
Not all children who have had a difficult
childhood are doomed, but many are. A decision that creates a precious
life is made with such brief preparation and thought.
How would this community be different if all
parents of children would discuss the importance of considering the consequences
of such huge, important, decisions? Success in making
important decisions is based on considering all the options, the possible
consequences and on showing respect for all the potential human beings
involved.
Our children deserve to feel loved.
Our children deserve to feel secure.
Our children deserve to feel proud to belong
to their family and community.
Our children deserve the best!
Top of Page
Consequences
make sense
Word gets around! Five-year-old Abigail
set up her own business because her parents held her responsible for buying
her new bike. It seems she had left her bike behind her dad's truck
three times. Three times, he had run over her bikes, twice he had
replaced the bicycles.
This time was different. Her parents
made it clear she would have to figure out a way to buy this third bike.
This was the consequence for her negligent actions. Before long,
this little industrious entrepreneur created a profitable business
in a place where people were extremely thirsty. She stood by a cooler
and called "Hey! Ya'll need a drink?" to hot and sweating golfers.
Soon she had enough to buy her own "wheels!"
It was a proud moment when she bought her new bike, especially since she
had worked so hard for it.
Consequences really are the best teachers
when learning is wanted. Most adults would agree that they have forgotten
the reason for most of their childhood spankings. Yet none have forgotten
logical consequences that resulted from their offenses.
These experiences have taught them many lifelong
lessons. For example, one adult remembers a childhood incident.
His school was selling candy to raise money for playground equipment.
Instead of selling the candy, he was eating it like vitamins—"one-a- day."
Consequently, his parents made him take his allowance to pay for the carton
of candy bars he had eaten. Soon his savings had gone down by $20.00,
and twenty years later, he still remembers that lesson.
Life's experiences are chock-full of lessons
we learn from consequences. For example, we learn a lesson when our
insurance rates go up after we disobey the speed limits set by the state
and get traffic tickets.
We are sincerely discouraged from repeating
this offense. Not all consequences have to be negative. Some
are positive. Earning a scholarship is the consequence of hard work.
We learn valuable lessons with positive and negative consequences.
Consequences encourage us to grow in responsibility.
Parents must remember this consequence strategy
when their children behave inappropriately. Consequences are most
effective when they are logical, reasonable and practical.
If parents are miserable when they execute a consequence, the suffering
has been misplaced. The parents should not be hurting while the offender
is going happily on his way.
Other strategies can improve our child's behavior.
When we spend quality time with our child, they are delighted. They
enjoy playing games, talking, pretending, helping, or just doing simple
things with their parents. It doesn't have to cost anything. Just
enjoy the simple pleasures with them.
When our children really feel loved, and when
they know they will receive a consequence for offenses, they will be a
delight to us and to all around them!
Top of Page
Teen Talk
Today's teens will be shaping our future.
Many parents find it difficult to talk with teens. Talking together
can be fun. It is important that parents initiate conversations with
their teens. Often that will requires discussing topics that will
interest their teen. Parents know that teens and their CDs are not
easily separated. Parents could use the lyrics of these songs to launch
discussions about life enabling them to connect with teens on their
own turf.
The following lyrics run through our children's
minds: "Things will never change." "We're all insane!" "Your words
murder me." "I need you." "I'm the man who murdered love."
"I want to live with you forever."
These are serious, deep thought- provoking
lyrics.
Listen with your children even if the sound
is unpleasing. Parenting is not doing only what is comfortable.
Listen with your child. When you hear a lyric that triggers a thought
about life, DISCUSS it. Find out what they think about the truth or the
fantasy of the lyrics.
A common area of concern for parents is a
teen's relationship with the opposite sex. Most parents are interested
in helping teens to plan for lifelong relationships.
Therefore, when the teen hears a lyric that
says the following: "You should never try to change me," parents could
ask the following questions: "Do you think that changing our attitudes
or situations when they are hindering us is possible?" "What do you
see in me that you would like to change?" "What do you think your
future spouse would want to change about you?" "How do you think
we begin to want to change something about ourselves?""Do we change because
we love someone or because we want him or her to love us?"
Lyrics suggest "being hurt by words."
"How can words murder?" "Tell me the time someone's words have hurt
you the most?" A discussion between yourself and your teen can help understand
his/her emotional makeup.
If you hear lyrics, such as "What a girl needs,
what a girl wants," you might share some needs with your daughter that
you had when you were young. Ask what needs she has that you can
meet.
Ask your teen what they think is important
in a relationship.
A popular phrase, such as "no strings attached,"
could be another conversation piece with your teen.
The two of you can explore the feasibility
of having a relationship without having the responsibility or accountability.
What would a relationship be like if there
were no strings or consequences?
Talk to your teen about the importance of
honesty and integrity within a relationship. Music is important to
us all, and teens spend much time listening to
their CDs. Songs and lyrics are favored for a reason. A need
is being met each time they hear a song.
Let us capitalize on their ability to connect
through music and have some great discussions with future adults.
Top of Page
Helping Children
through divorce, Part I
Nearly 50 percent of all children in the United
States have experienced the trauma of divorce when their biological parents
separate. This traumatic experience can be particularly hard for children.
However, depending on how well the parents respond toward the divorce,
some children adjust well. Do the parents still get along? How have they
handled the divorce emotionally?Have they encouraged the child's relationship
with the other parent? Have they allowed their child to adjust at his or
her own pace and supported the child's strengths? How children react also
depends on how outside family members and care givers respond. Divorce
is a stressful process. Experts say that responsible adults can help make
their divorce less painful for the children in the following ways:
COMMUNICATE with children. Be honest,
clear and direct about how the divorce will affect them and their relationship
with both parents individually. Talk on the child's level to discover their
questions and concerns. The age-old questions are: "Was the divorce
my fault?" "Why can't we all stay together?" "Where are we going to live?"
"Will I still be able to see my friends and have my pets?"
Children do not have to be burdened
with too many facts, but you must be prepared with answers as well as patience
for repeated questions. Just because a child may seem to understand that
you and your spouse have problems, does not mean he or she will be able
to accept the divorce without some emotional scarring. A child's perception
of divorce can be very different from those of adults involved; children
understand it in terms of loss, change and/or uncertainty. Consequently,
adults and children have very different needs when a divorce occurs within
the family unit. The facts may often mean very little to a child.
REASSURE. Children are invariably frightened
and confused by divorce. It's a threat to their security and sense of belonging.
They need to be reassured that the breakup was not their fault. In order
to keep the child guilt-free, set aside special time to spend with each
child and keep any promise that you make to them. Material gifts cannot
replace quality time with your child. During the divorce process, children
need links to healthy, stable adults, not to new toys and entertainment.
LISTEN ACTIVELY. Allow your child to talk
about the divorce and how it's affecting them. Encourage them to express
their feelings in acceptable, constructive ways. Give them permission to
feel the way they feel; there is no right or wrong reaction. Try to put
their feelings into words for them.
Be alert to any discrepancy between
what they say and how they act. If children show signs of stress such as
behavioral changes, eating and sleeping disturbances or lack of interest
in a favorite activity, they may benefit from professional counseling for
childhood depression. Support groups can also give children a chance to
meet with others in similar circumstances. This can help to reduce their
feelings of isolation and being different.
This will be a two-part series describing
critical factors that will help a child successfully adjust to divorce
or the impending divorce: next week, part II.
Top of Page
Helping kids
during divorce
The children who have to deal with divorce
suffer needless stress that responsible adults inflict.
It does not have to be this way. The
misery after divorce can be minimized, and security within the child can
be a reality. Following are the remaining critical factors for a child's
successful adjustment to divorce:
PREPARE FOR CHANGES. Tell children in advance
about possible changes that might occur. Give them the time to prepare
mentally as well as emotionally.
Ask them how you can make the situation better
or more comfortable for them.
Remind them that difficult periods do pass with time.
GIVE STRUCTURE, PREDICTABILITY. Children thrive
on routine and stability.
Avoid changes in day care centers, schools and activities. Agree
with their other parent to keep regular bedtimes and consistent "house"
rules wherever they reside. Set limits on any inappropriate behavior and
agree on consequences that will be similar in both settings. Order and
structure increases a child's sense of security.
PRESERVE LOVE FOR BOTH PARENTS. Children benefit
from a positive relationship with both parents; They become very uncomfortable
when asked to choose one parent over the other. Children feel badly if
one of the parents that contributed to their gene pool is bad.
The less criticism a child hears about the
opposite spouse, the better the self- concept the child will. If
their other parent, however, is demonstrating outright dangerous behavior,
explain that that parent is making choices that only they can make. They
may be making poor choices because of the damage to themselves that they
have chosen not to resolve. Harboring sad feelings about a parent
is better than holding feelings of hatred. VALIDATE FEELINGS. Children
are very perceptive; they will know if you're taking sides. Conflict regarding
the children is best managed away from them because they are distressed
when used as messengers, or worse yet, as weapons between their parents.
They benefit when they see their parents polite and respectful toward each
other.
LET KIDS BE KIDS. Some parents feel so hurt
or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort
and direction. Our comfort is an "adult" responsibility, best derived from
our family and friends. Your children may act as if everything
is under control within them, but they may be doing a good job of suppressing
their emotions to prevent further stress on parents.
ROLE MODEL. Teach your children
the appropriate ways to deal with their grief, loss, stress and anger.
When you get support through a group or with counseling, you are
teaching them that there are times when we need outside help to deal with
life.
With much love and patience, you can make
a positive difference in how a child responds to divorce.
Top of Page
Divorce stress affects
all ages
Although divorce is a common experience, it is not a "normal" childhood
experience. For many reasons, divorce may be stressful for children.
Because of the associated fears, the obvious signs of distress may be hidden
by the child.
If parents are constantly arguing, children are distressed, especially
if they feel
forced to take sides. They may feel a tremendous sense of loss and
sadness when mom or dad moves out of the home.
The children must adjust to new living arrangements or even a
new school. Less money for basic needs is common after a divorce. Because
parents may become so absorbed by the demands of daily living and their
own emotional struggles, they seem to have less time or energy to help
their children cope with the divorce.
Eventually, many children of divorced parents have to deal with
one or both parents dating and remarrying. Then come difficulties
associated with the blending of new families.
Children may respond to the stress of divorce with strong emotions
such as anger, confusion, sadness, grief, depression, guilt, shame, anxiety
and sometimes, relief.
Some children may withdraw; others may act out. How children
respond depends on their experiences, developmental age, gender, temperament
and the behavior of their parents and grandparents in their lives.
Young children may regress in their development. They may
begin to wet the bed or suck their thumb again. They may become extremely
clingy for fear of further feelings of abandonment.
School-aged children's stress is often displayed in their body.
They may complain of frequent headaches or stomachaches. They may either
do poorly in school, or the opposite, become over achievers in their attempt
to cope with such uncomfortable feelings.
Teenagers are the most likely to act out and to show feelings
of anger and resentment toward their parents. They may seek their own romantic
relationships to express feelings they have about their parent's divorce.
Even after becoming adults, many who experienced a divorce as
a child, will still be trying to resolve and deal with how their lives
might have been different had their parents not divorced.
A child sees divorce as something that could have been prevented
if they had not been so much trouble, or so hard to manage. Despair
causes them to search for what they could have done differently that could
have kept their parents together.
With limited ability to put into words how they feel, they may
go through life believing that they were not valuable enough, lovable enough,
smart enough, or good enough to keep their parent's happy together.
As they try to map their future, they are commonly plagued with
the fear that if their parent could leave them, friends and future spouses
will also leave them. They approach life with an unease about their
value to others.
As parents we make daily choices about our relationships
and life. Let us weigh each choice by considering what is best for our
children. The greatest gift we can give them is to do what it takes
to learn to love the person we chose to be their other parent.
Top of Page
Quality Time
In a television interview, former President
Jimmy Carter described his early childhood. Since his parents were
busy with their plantation duties, which included extended trips away to
ensure the success of their operation, much of the parenting responsibilities
of the young Jimmy was left to an African-American couple who lived in
a one-room shack. Fortunately, they were a responsible couple who
took good care of the young man. He did not feel that his success
in life was determined so much by his intellectual abilities but by how
he had been parented by his parents as well as by the black couple.
Today, parents face the same responsibilities
that former President Jimmy Carter's parents faced. Both parents
of today's family find they must both work outside the home to provide
for the basic needs of their families.
Yet, unless children feel valued and secure,
their chance for future success will be limited. However, parenting
requires time and effort. If the majority of children's waking time
is spent in school, participating in competitive sports, watching TV, and
playing computer games, how can positive messages of worth be insured?
Unfortunately, most of their activities have a win or lose outcome, and
half of children will be in the bottom half!
Therefore, the time parents spend with
their children is by far the most important job in this world. Their
future is determined by the quality time that parents spend with them.
Positive messages which say "You are special and your feelings are worth
considering" will insulate them from future dysfunction and life problems.
The job-description for parenting calls for people willing to sacrifice
some of their preferences for this responsibility. Expensive homes,
furniture and cars demand valuable time from parents.
Are they worth it? Could we be content
with less material things if we could be assured that their children will
experience success? The gifts of self-worth, confidence, self-control,
and consideration for others will be transmitted to many generations to
come.
However, unless children have reasonable limits
imposed by their parents, they will not have a chance with their own relationships
later. They will either control, intrude on, and damage the people they
want to love, or they will feel controlled and smothered by them.
Being emotionally available to the other parent
of our children as well as to our children will give our children
a future with fewer problems in life. A loved husband or wife makes
a better parent. A loved child gets positive messages from peers
and other adults. Being emotionally available doesn't mean that we
watch TV or play computer games with them, however, that may be a part.
Involved emotionally means that we spend time watching our children play
freely.
We will make observations that contribute
to their sense of value. As we become familiar with their feelings,
likes and dislikes, special reasoning, spontaneous ideas, then we begin
to have something to talk about with them. This only happens when
we have time to relax and enjoy our time together.
Parenting takes time. Parenting takes
patience. Parenting takes creativity. Parenting takes kind
language. Parenting takes a predictable routine and schedule.
Parenting takes consistent limits with consequences. Parenting takes
love, laughter, and this wonderful institution called family. If
you are giving this to your children, you are doing the most important
job in the world.
Top of Page