| Kids That Sparkle and Bounce 10-14-97 | Helping
Our Children Make Better Choices
10-07-97 |
The Meaning Of "The Rod" 10-28-97 |
| Talk may be cheap but it really pays off! 10-21-97 | Father's role is vital to children 3-03-98 | Growing up in an alcoholic family is difficult 2-24-98 |
| Family Secrets affect us 1-20-98 | Whose problem is it anyway? 1-27-98 | Try ADD checklist 3-23-98 |
| Help for ADD kids 3-31-98 | What can you learn from kids? 5-19-98 | Helping Children through divorce 6-23-98 |
| Asking questions starts the wheels turning 7-21-98 | How to have an exceptional teen 4--4-98 | Why is it hard to love? 9-14-98 |
| The birth of self-discipline 9-22-98 | Shouting is hurtful to players 10-13-98 | It's the best kind of love 10-20-98 |
| When kids make bad choices 11-3-98 | Respect will earn respect 12-1-98 | Resolutions for new year 12-29-98 |
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I have always been enthralled by the joy a child demonstrates. I've mourned the loss of that bounce in their step and the sparkle in their eyes as they mature. What causes those qualities to go underground? In working with and observing children most of my life, I think it comes down to a simple explanation. The sparkle and bounce blossomed out of the hope and excitement of learning and feeling approval. Listen how we talk to newborns. "You are so precious! Oh, look! His eyes are open! I can't help but squeeze you!" Then, when they are around two, most of what they hear is, "Don't!" "No!" "Stop that right now!" As school kids, it's "Go wash your hands, they're filthy!" "Are you going to school looking like that?" Then as teens, positive contact is minimal and it seems they can do very little right. "Your room looks like a pig-pen!" "How can you stand that music?" "You want a car? Are you crazy?" We have stripped kids of their dignity by trying to help them see the world the way we do. What we could do instead is make an attempt to see how they view life. When they are doing something we think is a mistake, instead of berating them for their choice, we can give them ownership of the consequences by saying something like, "Sure, you can have a car, as soon as you have some income to take care of the insurance and gas." Or, "If you want to listen to your music, please don't assume we want to listen to it. Figure out a way not to force us to listen to it." In other words, let them know how their behavior affects you, hand over the problem to them, give them their options, and let them make the choice. Decisions are best made if they are approached with a system. I like the pencil and paper approach. At the top of the page, write what the problem is —the bottom line. Next, come up with all the possible, creative solutions. Then select your favorite two or three solutions. After that, write all the advantages and disadvantages to each solution they chose. When that is finished, ask, "Which solution jumps out as the best choice?" You will usually smile and pick the best choice. |
Kids are great! They are smart
and are learning to think. It's up to us to give them a
system and allow them opportunity to take responsibility for the choices they are making. That includes letting them endure the consequences that accompany the choices. Perhaps, if they choose to leave their dirty clothes under their bed, they may run out of clean clothes. If we clean out from under their bed every time we wash clothes, we aren't letting them suffer the consequence. They will continue kicking their things under the bed. If they choose to talk disrespectfully to you and you yell back, you haven't accomplished as much as if you let them know that when they talk with disrespect, you are hurt and they will not be able to achieve what they are trying to get by talking meanly. If they choose to drop out of school, they must join the real world of adults and get a job to pay for their share of the groceries and house payments. If they choose not to wear their jacket to school on a cold morning, they will only get a little chilly. We will still be comfortable. So many things in life that we get upset about and scold or nag about are just not worth the robbery of that sparkle in the eye and bounce in the step of our precious children that we have for a short time. In the words of one of my favorite parenting experts: If it isn't morally wrong, or physically threatening, it's not worth jeopardizing our relationship with our children. One question I used to ask myself when I felt my frustration level rising as I mothered my children was, "Ten years from now, what difference will it make if....." (they wear mismatched socks to school?; they go to church in wrinkled clothes because they left them wadded at the bottom of their closet?) Kids are wonderful. Why do we do our best to change them? If we can begin to value the way they see their world and recognize their great ability to think and reason, we will eventually have kids that are confident that no problem is so great that they can't solve it. I think they may even have a sparkle in their eye and walk with a bouncy step! FAMILY MATTERS October 14, 1997 |
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Talking to people sometimes makes me wonder how much free choice we really have in our relationships. If we grew up in a home with a hard-working, "no time for fun" parent, we usually marry someone with those characteristics. If one of our parents was an alcoholic, we invariably choose to marry someone who turns out to be an alcoholic. If we were abused or molested, we tend to marry someone who abuses or molests. We attempt to resolve our differences with harsh words if that's how our parents handled theirs. Why is this so predictable? As a child, most of what we take in comes from the atmosphere created by the relationships in our home. We feel "at home" and comfortable with people that have some of the basic personality traits as our parents, whether we enjoyed them or not! Usually, it's the parental traits we wanted to change the most that challenge and attract us when we choose a dating or marriage partner. With time, the same things that irritated our parents, now irritate or plague us. How much choice do we really have? |
So, how can we help the next generation
benefit from this realization? Try this
exercise with your children. Ask them to make two lists on a page. One list should be the positive character traits they recognize in their parents. The other list should be your negative traits. (Include any absent parent). Then, tell them that their future spouse is likely to have most of the negative qualities. They will promptly and vigorously deny it! Ask them if they can look forward to living with someone like that for a lifetime. After they've given that question some serious thought, have them make a list of traits that describe their idea of a suitable future spouse. If they fail to plan, they might as well plan to fail, so now it's time for the clincher. Write out and get them to sign THE CHOICE: " I choose not to spend my time with individuals that don't have these traits I value, even though I have a really strong attraction to them." Our kids will be so much more successful in life if we take the time and interest to turn off distractions, sit down at the table and talk with them! Their future is a delightful topic to explore with our children and teens. As parents, we have the capacity to help them shape their future, minimize their despair and hurt that comes when they carry on the family patterns we blindly inherited from our parents. FAMILY MATTERS October 7, 1997 |
| If you are a parent of school-aged
children and are thinking ahead, among your major fears is that you may
become a grandparent before you are ready or your offspring may get involved
with drugs. Despite the efforts of our country directed at these
problems, there has been no improvement in the numbers. I think I
have a method that I can guarantee won't hurt and may even make a big difference!
It is my belief that until our children are comfortable with us as their parents, they will always have problems in their marriage relationships and make choices that may be harmful to them. If we have wronged them, rejected them, or neglected them in a major way, they will react to their marriage partner with that unresolved hurt or anger governing how they respond. Many times the choices children make are a direct result of their perception of the wrongs we have committed or allowed to be committed. I've talked to many teen mothers over the last 7 years. They were good kids, getting good grades, getting along pretty well with their parents, and felt like they were making choices based on what was best for them. But, I've also talked to them several years later when they would have liked to have had the opportunity to do things differently. One young mother said, "I just wish I had picked a better daddy for my precious children!" My solution for helping our children make better choices has nothing to do with sex education or condom and needle handouts. It's free and has benefits that extend into many areas of life. The solution is: WE AS PARENTS NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME TALKING WITH OUR KIDS! We keep them so busy, there isn't much time to just sit and visit and get acquainted. |
They need to hear the stories about our "growing-up"
years. About the problems we had as teens, how we handled problems
we encountered. If we had conflicts with our parents, they need to
know. If we made some mistakes, they need to hear about them.
If we had some major losses they gain from hearing how we felt and responded
when we lost. If we were hurt by our first love, they want to hear.
When our children begin to see us as normal, imperfect human beings, as having experienced some tough times and pulled through, as having learned something from our mistakes, then they seem to no longer have anything they have to prove. There is no longer a need to reject us as their parents. They begin to see us as the friends they need rather than only the "parents who don't understand" and "won't let me do anything!" As our children feel no need to rebel, because their parents are among their good friends (the ones they respect and don't want to hurt), they generally will make wise choices. If sitting down for a chat at your table is something you haven't done for awhile, I challenge you to try it and discover what wonderful kids you have! If you're uncomfortable and don't get cooperation at first, it's OK to be uncomfortable. Keep trying, it's not only worth it, it's fun. Now don't expect a miracle over night. Give it at least six months before you expect to see a slight change in the way things are going around your house. If your kids have already left home, call them and tell them some stories of years ago. You might even set up your video camera and film yourself telling the stories as you remember them. However you do it, know that you are making it possible for the next generation to have a healthier future. FAMILY MATTERS October 21, 1997 |
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How many times have we heard "Spare the rod and spoil the child?" We have blindly accepted that this advice gave us as parents the right and responsibility to administer spankings when our child is noncompliant or disobedient. But let's look at the meaning of what a rod really was when the text in Proverbs was written. As I understand it, the rod was used by the keeper of the sheep. A rod was never used to hurt the sheep, but to monitor, guide, and protect.
MONITOR
GUIDE
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PROTECT
Flocks of sheep are endangered by wild animals. Especially if they have wandered away from the flock. In biblical days, when a lion would approach a flock, the shepherd would hurl the rod out beyond the flock and scare the wild beast and send the wayward sheep back into the flock. In the same way, as we see the dangers creeping up on our family, it is our responsibility to protect them by setting boundaries or rules which not only prevent invasions by outside dangers, but also prevent our family members from wandering toward that danger. Nowhere was the rod used to hurt the sheep in the flock. You may ask, "Are you saying we shouldn't spank our children?" What I'm saying is we need to stay in touch with our children, spending time with them, teaching them the values in life that will protect them. When we use the rod in this way, they still may behave in ways that are irritating or frustrating to you, but I believe there are alternative methods of discipline that may better meet your goal of communicating the messages that you believe in them, you trust them, you hear them, you care for them, and they are important to you. As a great parenting expert says,
"If we force children to submit and attempt to control them, we must accept
that as they grow older and stronger, we will face the
violence we nurtured in them, knowing indeed, we have taught them well."
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| A recent Times Journal editorial pondered the reasons
for violent crime in this country. One fact is that 85% of the violent
criminals incarcerated in the jails across the United States are products
of teen pregnancies. The factor is thought to be absent father figures
and the accompanying rejection which forms anger and hurt. The end result
is violence because the emotions are kept deep inside.
A Father's role is so important that it is better to have a bad father than an absent father. Fathers that give up their responsibility to their children are damaging our society. Mothers that are allowing it or causing it are playing a role too. What can we as a community do to encourage fathers to
take hold of their responsibility to guide, protect, nurture, support,
feed, and clothe the result of their thoughtless sperm
We've tried education. We've tried religion. We've tried
restrictions.
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The problem worsens. One thing we haven't tried is spending
extra time with our sons, beginning in infancy. We need to be talking to
our sons, telling them stories about when we were their age. We need to
tell them how we felt when we were in trouble, hurting,
shamed, proud, struggling, disappointed, frustrated, elated. Our sons don't know it's OK to verbally express emotions in a respectful manner. Instead they express their inner tensions in sexual ways. Anything we as a community can do to encourage our sons to feel accepted as they express their emotions and take responsibility for their actions will help. It may be that when we stay at home with them, turn off the TV, eat around the table, take a hike, sit down and talk with them, we will begin to experience some of the joys and rewards of parenthood. We stay too busy, and as a result, too distant from our sons. We need to hear from you if you are interested in talking
to your sons in our communities in an attempt to reduce violence and produce
happier futures. By writing the newspaper at the address below or by sending
an email request to me at: mcfarlnd@mail.tds.net, you may secure a list
of questions that your sons can ask you to help them see you as an advocate
or friend, rather than a distant parent.
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| The child growing up in a home where someone gets drunk
on a regular basis sees life through eyes that change the way the world
looks the rest of their life. Would you like a
glimpse of life through their eyes? That child is an adult now, but this is how they remember their world. "It was really hard! I was embarrassed a lot. I felt frustrated,
helpless and small when my dad would get drunk. We were all afraid most
of the time that he might lash out at any of us at any time. We were afraid
to say no. We were afraid to tell what our feelings were." "I felt neglected
much of the time. Since his personality seemed to change without warning,
I was confused. To be honest, I felt so much resentment, hurt, anger and
hate. But I couldn't tell anybody about any of that. "Most children
growing up with alcohol as a part of their family life experience an aloneness
that is isolating. They miss out on a real childhood because much of their
energy is spent trying to protect one parent from the other, or trying
to do what the alcoholic parent is not doing--caring for other children.
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The parent that does not get drunk has many disappointments
and frustrations. Those emotions cause them to say and do things to their
children that they wouldn't do otherwise. The resulting guilt then adds
to the tension in the environment of the child. "I now realize
that I made many unwise choices because I grew up feeling so insecure and
isolated. I am coming to the realization that I didn't get what I deserved
as a child."
This person was right! Each child deserves to be loved, cared for, and to have the feeling that they belong in their family. They didn't get to choose which family they were born into. They are saddled with the need to find other people that can give them what their parent was unable to give. Sometimes the people they find hurt them even more. The end result of alcoholism is sadness. The choice is ours. FAMILY MATTERS February 24, 1998 |
| Fear causes us to keep secrets. Fear of being thought
of badly, fear of being left, fear of not living up to someone's expectations,
fear of hurt, fear of humiliation, fear of
embarrassment. But, when we keep a secret, we still know it and react to others in a way differently than if they knew the secret. We have to be constantly on guard to keep from giving them clues about the secret. We have to pretend we don't know the secret. We have to act like it never happened. All of that deception alters the way we interact with others--especially those close to us. A generation ago, if a young girl became pregnant, occasionally
the family would send her off to a "private school," adopt the baby out,
and pretend like it never happened. The
The family secrets can be enormous or slight. Commonly,
secrets result from guilt, shame, and fear. The undesired pregnancy, the
secret abortion, the abandoned affair, the hidden
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In marriage, intimacy is developed through honesty, confessions,
explanations, and soul searching. Any effort to disorient your partner
is an attempt to gain power, eventually
hurting the relationship. When we keep secrets, we are hoping for an advantage. We are leaving the other person or persons out of the relationship. We have begun to create distance between us. We begin to feel guilt for the offense. "Surely you don't mean that I should tell my spouse everything? They would be upset! They would never forgive me! The marriage would be over." Yes, usually more damage is done by continuing the behavior and lying about it, even if we don't do it anymore. Telling assumes an equality in the relationship. How can we gain intimacy when secrets distance us? Intimacy between parents gives the children in the family valuable information on healthy relationships and intimacy for when they pass through adolescence into adulthood. A family secret can affect several generations. Intimacy is marred, disfigured, faked. Rarely, there is an old secret that would be better untold. Nevertheless, it will interfere with the level of intimacy you can achieve. Telling secrets may be difficult. You might want to write them down or practice the revealing of the secret in front of a mirror. Examine your feelings about it, examine your desires for your present relationship and explain that your goal for intimacy in your marriage is more important than your comfort while telling the secret. If it seems overwhelming to you, you may want to seek counseling for help as you attempt to restore intimacy to your marriage. Intimacy is what we all long for. We want to know we are accepted, secrets and all. FAMILY MATTERS January 20, 1998 |
| When your child is cold because he didn't put on his
jacket, whose problem is it? What about if they get into a squabble with
their brother over a toy? What about a low grade on their report card?
Is it your problem? Or is it theirs?As parents, we teach our children how
to think. In order for them to make the right choices in the difficult
areas of life, we must focus on teaching our children not just what to
think, but how. There are three major thoughts that can benefit them for
the rest of their life that can be placed in their minds with much repetition
and conscious effort.
What are these three magical thoughts? I like myself. By giving our children positive feedback when they are successful with small responsibilities and chores, they learn that they are needed. By figuring out what their emotional love language is (appreciation, being served, quality time, gifts, or hugs) and doing it, they learn that they are acceptable and lovable, and belong. I can think for myself. As our children grow, we begin
to give them small choices. "Which pair of socks do you want to wear?"
The white ones or the black ones? Both choices are appropriate, but they
feel good about having been successful in making a choice. As they get
older and choose something that causes others to laugh at them, they will
begin to feel the results of having made a slightly poor choice.
They feel uncomfortable, and learn to make a different choice if they didn't
like being laughed at.
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Mistakes and poor choices become a child's own responsibility.
Our responsibility is only to guide them without passing judgement. We
defeat our purpose to say things like "You look like a clown in that outfit!"
Let their peers handle it. Our children need to feel that we trust them
with their decisions. As a rule, if it's not life-threatening or morally
wrong, we need to leave it up to them.
There is no problem so great it can't be solved. This takes much practice! When they come in complaining about being cold because they didn't wear a jacket, avoid the mini-lecture: "If you'd have put your coat on . . . " Instead, say something like: "You really have a problem, don't you? What is your plan?" Turn the decision and the results of the decision over to them. This helps them learn to be responsible individuals who can act in their own best interest, stand up for themselves and exercise their own rights while respecting the rights and legitimate needs of others. Parents who solve problems for their children rescue them, giving children the message that they are not capable enough to handle their own problems. They interpret that the parent will always take care of them. This may be one of our most important jobs as parents.
You can change the future of your child in a positive way when you lovingly
give them responsibility for their
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Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a condition that effects about 1 out of every 20 people, adults as well as children. ADD or ADHD can result in a life of frustration, hurt, and poor performance. Do you think you or your child has ADD? If most of the descriptors below apply to you or a loved one, you most likely would like to have some relief and would welcome more information about the disorder and strategies for dealing with it. Check those that apply: __ Excessively fidgets or squirms. Always be "on the go." __ Has difficulty remaining seated in school or meetings __ Is easily distracted __ Has difficulty awaiting turn in games or in lines __ Interrupts frequently __Has difficulty following instructions __Has difficulty sustaining attention __Shifts from one activity to another
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__Often talks excessively (even when trying not
to)
__Often doesn't listen to what is said __Often loses things __Often engages in dangerous activities __Often acts impulsively __ Is often accused of over-reacting or flying off the handle __Often feels that life is overly stressful Many of these behaviors
are typical in most children at one time or another, but the child
with ADD will exhibit more of these behaviors most of the time.
Adults reviewing the list above, may want to think about how these descriptors
may have applied to them when they were a child.
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| With the growing numbers of children diagnosed with ADD,
there are many frustrated, discouraged parents. In addition to seeking
medication treatment and possibly therapy for ADD, the following items
can help your child immensely.
1. Give Advanced Warning about changes (for example . . . "you need to be ready to go in ten minutes"). 2. Provide Check Points. For long term projects or tasks, try breaking it down for them into small attainable goals with transition aids. Rewards or interventions by someone acting as a coach, help the child move on to the next task. Help the child learn to plan a project with built in check points along the way. Then the child can focus on one small thing at a time. Eventually your child will be able to plan and execute a project on her own. 3. Clarify Rules and Consequences. Begin by setting clear rules and then be sure to enforce them. Help the child understand what the rewards are for good behavior and what consequences there are for bad behavior. Time outs and removal of privileges are commonly used consequences for inappropriate behaviors. 4. Provide Structure and Consistency. Children with ADD do better in a predictable environment. Many people thrive with a comfortable amount of structure, so it isn't surprising that this would help. 5. Work as a Team with other Adults. Teachers and parents can work together on specific goals reinforcing specific strategies.
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6. Create a positive environment. Create and maintain
an environment that helps your child to succeed. Experiment to see what
works. Sometimes a quiet place in a classroom or at home can help a child
concentrate. Sometimes (believe it or not) a radio or TV going will
help tune out distractions and the student can stay focused.
7. Keep Time. Using a timer can help keep a child on a task by providing a reminder of what they are supposed to do. Sometimes just the ticking of the timer will work. It can also be used to help manage time so that specific tasks are accomplished within a certain time period. A watch with an alarm can be set to provide reminders to do certain tasks. 8. Take Time. Realize that your child might just need more time than other kids. Allow extra time for them to find and get on their shoes. Talk to teachers about providing reasonable extensions to due dates. Let your child live at their pace! By allowing kids to take some extra time now and then you can significantly reduce some stress around your house! 9. Take Time Off. Allow for down time. Kids with ADD (like all kids) need time to burn off steam. They need time to play, run, and laugh. Engaging in sports and physical activities can help children to harness their energies and learn to focus it when they need to. 10. Don't Forget to Laugh. Don't forget to keep a sense of humor and remember that your kid is just a kid who will enjoy a good laugh with you now and then! Bonus Tip! Connect with others who understand! Join a self-help support group.March 31, 1998? |
| As a culture, we seem to dread the stage of adolescence.
Yet, I know parents who have really enjoyed that season with their children.
I met some young people at Northeast Junior College that any parent would have been proud of and happy to parent. They gave me some valuable insight into why they were what most of us would identify as successful (honor students, leadership positions, not in trouble, cooperative with authority, in control of all their reasoning). The first question for these students was: Why do you want to do your best? Answer: To honor God, because we represent Him and are valuable to Him. Question: What role do your parents play in your success in life? Answer: They do things with us, talk to us about what's
going on in our life, they tell us stories about when they were young,
they set some limits on us, like curfew and TV/video viewing.
They let us make a few mistakes and learn from them. We have part-time
jobs
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One of the students helps pay for her vision contacts.
Our parents didn't give us a choice about going to church. Now we
go because we want to and are involved in some of the programs.
Question: Have you ever doubted that your parents loved you? Answer: Never! (Very quick response) What can parents learn from these wonderful young people?
I think there are several things:
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| Nearly 50 percent of all children in the U.S. have experienced
the divorce or separation of their parents. Loss of any kind is stressful
and difficult. But, there are ways adults can help make this process
less painful for children.
Divorce is not a "normal" childhood experience. We all grow up hoping for a "happy ever after." Children may have a great sense of loss and sadness when mom or dad moves out of the home. If they have to move, they have a new environment and new schedule to adjust to. They may become really uncomfortable as their parents begin dating and remarrying. Children may respond to the stress of divorce with a variety of strong emotions and behavior changes. As parents we may see them withdraw, or begin to act out. Their reaction is affected by how we as adults handle our conflicts and emotions. How can we help them through this most difficult event? Talk to the children. Talk on their level with honesty. Let them know what to expect in regard to their friends, pets, and seeing their parents. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. It's important to keep any promises you make. As they express emotions, try to accept the way they feel. If they look sad, say: "You're really sad, aren't you? Come sit with me for a few minutes." Common unspoken questions are: Why can't mom and dad stay together? Where will I live? Will we have to move? If I had been better, could we still be a family? Spend time together. Set aside a special time
to spend with each child alone. Many parents fall into the trap of
trying to buy back their
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quiet quality time with a child. During the divorce
process, children need exposure to healthy, stable adults, not toys
or excitement.
Be Predictable. Children thrive on routine; they need as much stability in their lives as possible. Try to keep them in the same day care center, schools and activities. Keep regular bedtimes and consistent "house" rules. We frequently overlook inappropriate behavior out of guilt. But, it is important to set limits at this time. By providing order and structure, your child senses security and peace. Nurture positive feelings toward both parents. Children benefit from a positive relationship with both parents; They are the ones damaged when we force them to choose one parent over the other or bad-mouth the other parent in front of a child. Avoid violent conflict in front of the children. It is possible to settle differences with respect toward each other. If that's not happening, getting professional help will save the children from having their "love- tanks" shot full of holes. Witnessing violence will make it difficult for them to love in the future. Don't ask children to be adults. If children are acting as if they have everything under control, they just may be doing a very good job of suppressing their emotions which is hurtful to their future. How you handle your grief, loss, anger and stress teaches
your children how to deal with theirs'. Seek support
groups and counseling, if necessary. With respect, control, love and patience,
you can make a positive difference in how a child responds to divorce.
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| Would you like to have your child more ready for school?
Or would you like them to love learning? Enjoy doing homework?
Do better in school? Well, this is one of the most fun parts of parenting.
As you choose to spend quality time with your children, begin asking questions
to start the wheels in their mind turning. There is so much to wonder
about in our world.
Several people around town have submitted questions their children have asked. I'd like to share some of them with you. By showing an interest in our child's wonder and by beginning to wonder yourself, you can make learning really fun! Feel free to use these questions with your children as you spend time with them discovering their world. What turns clouds into rain?
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What makes my heart keep beating?
Where does the picture on the TV come from? How does a hot engine in the refrigerator make it cold inside? Why can't I hear the music from the radio until I turn this switch? Where do the stars go during the day? and the sun at night? How can a cow eat green grass and make white milk? What is happening in my brain when I imagine? think? dream? pray to my self? How does the copy machine make copies? What makes drinks like 7-up so fizzy? Were there really dragons? Inquisitive minds want to know! As you spend time
with your children, stimulating those brain cells, take them on short field-trips,
encourage them to explore their world, read encyclopedias, or search online
for answers you don't have. Ask them questions to get them started.
There are no limits to learning. And there is nothing more rewarding
If you have some unique questions your children have asked
over the years--keep a journal to read to your grandchildren one day and
send them to me at:
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| The earlier you start, the better! But, in this
short column will be three of the biggest keys to having a successful adolescent.
These main principles are:
Responsibility, Consequences, and Unconditional love. Responsibility. In most families, there are some mundane things that have to be done to keep the household operating smoothly: Cleaning, laundry, cooking, lawn-work and play. If a child/teen has been delegated a part of that responsibility on a regular basis, they will feel valuable to the family. When they are recognized for their contribution to the smooth running of the operation, they feel good about whom they are. This doesn't mean they won't protest on occasion. When they know what is expected of them, there are much less nagging and voice-raising to get things done. Privileges are our child's most valuable responsibilities when they are earned. Having free access to a car is best saved for older teens. Do we want our most valuable possession (our child) being driven around by a youthful driver? Perhaps doing their best in school can earn the privilege of a monthly investment in their college fund with a percentage going into a car fund for graduation! Phone privilege may be earned as respect is demonstrated by tones of voices, words, and cooperation in the home. A key is that both parents are in agreement on the planning
of requirements as well as consequences. It is important that both
parents participate in the execution of consequences in unity.
Otherwise, when problems occur, the parents end up with stress and disappointment
while the teen stomps off in control.
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Consequences. If, as commonly happens, the child fails to carry out their designated responsibilities, a prearranged, clearly communicated consequence should be in place. As unified parents, we can then say: "I'm sorry you chose the consequence rather than doing your chore. You still have to do the chore, but as your parent, it is my job to give you the consequence." We execute the consequence because we love our kids! We want to protect that. If they are making poor choices, we begin to be hurt by them and our love for them is not as rich as it could be. We want them to learn self- control and self-discipline. For example, if a teen has a curfew and they come in 30 minutes late, the prearranged consequence may be that the next time they go out, the curfew is shortened by twice the amount that they are late. So, the next time they have a date, they must return an hour before their curfew. They may not be happy with it, but they won't break curfew many times. Besides--when parents are in agreement and unified about consequences, it puts them in the position of being in control of the family, rather than the teens. When teens have no limits and no consequences, inside they feel scared and insecure. Unconditional Love. This special kind of love is demonstrated in so many ways. Just the fact that we are there with them, listening, can tell them we care. It can be in the tone of our voice as we set limits and execute consequences. It can be in the expression on our face when they come home and tell us they just got a speeding ticket. It can be in the way we continue to enjoy their personality even though they have disappointed us. It can be in the way we invite them to do something with us. It can simply be seen in a small gift when we get back from a trip to the store. It is imperative they know that while we feel disappointed in an action, we still value them as our priceless child. FAMILY MATTERS August 4, 1998 |
| The old song "I don't know why I love you like
I do" has a flip side to it. Sometimes, we don't know why we can't
seem to be loved. Our hearts are broken and we don't know what we
could do differently to "earn" love.
There may be no problem with us at all. The explanation for this puzzle may lie in the history of the one we want so desperately to love us. It is possible that they never learned HOW to love. How can that happen? We can only learn to love if we FEEL loved as a child. This is most important in the first three years of a child's life. During this time if feelings of neglect and rejection predominate, the child's most important need for love and belonging are left unmet. If children don't get what they need, they will be looking for it the rest of their lives, many times in harmful ways. As adults, how can we insure that our children get these
needs met? Since life is made of little events, we can make deposits
in their "banks" by talking and playing with our children instead of watching
TV. We could sit out under the stars and contemplate the
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greatness of the universe instead of working overtime.
We could take our children to visit an elderly neighbor to share some baked
goods instead of joining a sports league.
We can sit around the table to eat meals and play table games instead of playing alone on the computers. We could read a chapter in a book together each evening rather than separating for our "own thing." The way we talk to our children has a lot to do with how loved they feel too. Many children feel they can never do anything well enough to please mom and dad. They don't hear about all the things they do well. The tone of our voice may put fear in their hearts. The look on our face can be clouded and harsh. Imagine a world where we all delight in our children,
spend time with them, talk with them, teach them, and play with them.
In that world, those children would grow to be able to communicate love
effectively. They would be able to let their spouse know when they
are happy or hurt, lonely or elated, rejected or accepted, uncomfortable
or satisfied. In other words, they would be able to really love in
an intimate way. The end result is that joy and satisfaction in relationships
can reign. We can know why we love like we do.
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| As parents, we can give our love, but we can't force
anyone to think like we do! Trying to accomplish this can be one
of life's greatest frustrations.
Our children can achieve self-discipline coupled with honesty about their feelings if we follow these important guidelines. Express our feelings. "I'm delighted!" "I'm frustrated," "I'm hurt," "I feel ignored," "I'm afraid." If we are crying, we admit we are sad. If we are angry, we don't deny it or blame someone else for it. As they see and hear us being honest with our emotions in respectful, constructive ways, they learn it's OK to express them. Do something about our feelings. "I can handle
this!" "I'll talk to them about this." "I'll get some help."
One of the most powerful things we can do for our children if our marriage
has problems, is to get help and let them know we can't handle everything
by ourselves. Children learn that when they have a problem, they
can take a positive action to solve that problem.
Acknowledge our children's feelings as real and legitimate
without judging them.
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you alone, doesn't it." "It's sad to lose your pet."
"Being on restriction is confining, isn't it?" As children learn
that their feelings are important, and that you understand and trust them
to handle those feelings, they learn how to manage life, one feeling at
a time. They learn how to get help when they need it, in acceptable
ways.
Teach our children to handle their feelings in a positive way. Imagine a child who throws a temper tantrum when they are not bought a pack of gum in the store. Instead of being condemned for whining and begging, we might say something like "I know it's frustrating not to have everything you want in the store." They are shamed if they are spanked and yelled at for being bad in front of others. Shame is a destructive emotion in the long-run. It causes them to hold their feelings in over time. As we present an alternative plan, they learn there are other ways to handle their frustrations. "You have $1.00 in your pocket to spend on what you want. If you choose to spend it on this, that's your choice." They grow to manage the bigger things in life in positive
ways. Life is made of these small things. The control children feel,
when you validate their feelings and allow them to make simple choices,
contributes to their feeling loved, accepted, and valued. You have
the power to give your child a most valuable gift!
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| Years ago, to be able to decide what was worth
worrying about, I came up with a question that has helped me discard many
of my frustrations. It is: "Will it really matter a year from now?"
I wonder if this attitude could help as we sit at ball games watching the children of our community doing their best to be on a winning team? As bleachers are packed with parents, and the suspense is high, and a player knows their effort could determine the outcome of the game. Will it change that score for an observer to yell "What, can't you see the ball?" "Pay attention!" "What in the world do you think you are doing?" Sensitive children feel humiliated, pressured, and like failures when adults berate them in public. Do we want our schools filled with children that feel bad about who they are simply because they are trying to learn how to play team sports? The real reason for being on a team is to learn to create strategies that help them be all that they can be. The team members strive together to meet their potential. They know when they have done their best. It should feel exhilarating, not condemned. |
Another benefit of team sports is that children
learn to work with others that may see the world differently than
they see it. We learn to understand each other better, we learn to
tolerate a difference of opinion, and learn that our way is not always
the BEST way.
As adults, we have a responsibility to our children. The game they play this week really will not matter that much one year from now. But, if we allow others to yell insults at our children this week, that MAY really matter next year! I would like to challenge all the observers of children's games to limit others in their hurtful outbursts toward children at sporting events. Go to them and say: "I'm disappointed that you would want to hurt a child. I would like to ask that if you want to yell that you say one of two things: ‘Great play!' or ‘Way to go, team!' I'd really appreciate you helping to give the children of this community a boost. If you choose to continue, I want you to know that you are destroying the future for a child." A year from now, IT WILL MATTER! FAMILY MATTERS October13, 1998 |
| Keeping our children and each other on "best behavior"
requires that we take the responsibility to keep their "love tanks" as
full as possible with premium love. Imagine living in a world
where everyone FELT and acted loved!
As we try to convey real love, it might be a good idea to figure out what it really is. Ideal love accepts and affirms a person for who he is, not for what he does. The other person knows, beyond a doubt, that our love for them is not based on their performance. We communicate conditional love by giving or withholding rewards, raising our voices, hitting, withdrawing, or treating someone differently than we would have if we had approved of their choice of behaviors. If this kind of love predominates, our children grow up believing that they have to earn love, or they don't feel valued, or have a constant feeling of being rejected. Negative behavior grows out of these beliefs about themselves. Too many times children can grow into adulthood and never really feel loved by anyone. As a result, they are unable to pass any love on to their children. It is a major tragedy of our time. How can we raise children that really feel loved? The
first answer is: By speaking their love language (Appreciate them, spend
time with them, do things for them, give gifts, and touch them).
The second answer is: By lovingly allowing them to suffer consequences
of the choices they make.
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This works best if we can anticipate some choices they
are likely to make and talk about it BEFOREHAND. We can set the consequences
for each choice they might make. Then, if the child chooses the option
we don't think is the best, we can lovingly say: "I'm sorry you chose to
do that. You knew what the consequence was going to be. I feel
disappointed that you made that choice, and hurt, because I love you so
much, but, it was your choice."
See how much different the outcome would be than if we had yelled, "Just wait until your Daddy comes home! He's going to tear you up!" They leave your presence feeling shamed, fearful, and full of guilt. All of those emotions are damaging if they are the unpremium contents of the "love tank." Instead, if disrespect is the behavior you have planned ahead for, and the child is disrespectful, and the consequence was set in advance, you may say: "I'm sorry you chose to be disrespectful and yelled at your sister. You just chose to go outside and pull weeds from the flowerbed for 10 minutes. I'm sorry, because you were in the middle of a fun project, but you made that choice when you yelled. I'll set the timer and let you know when your time is up." The responsibility for the consequence falls on the child
and the choices they make. The "bad guy" isn't the parent.
The parents who really love their children set and enforce limits lovingly
and consistently nurture their children. It is only then that it is possible
for those kids to grow up and really love their spouse and their children
effectively. Most of the time, our patterns, good and bad,
repeat in the next generations.
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| What can we do to protect our community's children from
getting involved in drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex, reckless driving?
Is there an answer? Or do we just give up?
We have increased education concerning drugs and sex. We invite specialists to speak to our students. We buy teaching videos and develop drug awareness programs. Kids still participate in dangerous behaviors. Making dangerous choices is a result of having some uncomfortable feelings inside. Those feelings can come from messages that we as parents, teachers, and significant adults give them. Sometimes our messages tell them they are not important, or that we don't really want them around, or that we think they can't do anything quite right. Sometimes our messages tell them we don't care much how they feel, or that their thoughts are stupid. A few facts might help us develop some effective strategies. Most teenage young women become pregnant between the hours of 3- 6 p.m. in their own homes. Half the teenage crimes are committed between the hours of 3-8 p.m. Could we be providing inadequate supervision? What can we do to communicate our concern and our care? |
Work at understanding. As adults, we can try to
understand how our children feel. We can put their feelings into words.
We can talk with them as if they matter and are important to us.
Miraculously, they will begin to make a higher level of choices.
Surround them with loving adults. If possible, find an older adult with love to give that is willing to spend some time with your family. This may mean that you will have to repair old hurts, and damaged relationships between you and your parents. Create limits. Set aside precious times that can be spent together before they grow up. Turn off the TV. Focused time communicates that our children are more important than anything else in the world to us. Do fun things together. Take a walk, go outside after dark and look up, sit and watch a sunset, play a game. It really does not matter what you do, just that you care enough to spend some time with them. Maintaining good relationships prevents poor choices.
Good relationships are maintained by efforts made to spend time together
trying to understand the feelings in each other's hearts.
FAMILY MATTERS November 3, 1998
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I have never met a parent that did not want their child
to grow up to be respectful to others. Disappointed parents abound.
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Share problems. As conflicts arise, let children
take part in the solving of problems.
They can take part in developing the consequences for problem behaviors.
They can be consulted for meal-planning, purchases, and everyday hurdles.
As they realize that their opinions and thoughts are valued, they learn to respect. Respect their parents. Every child needs to feel as good as possible about their parents. If we mistreat, hurt, and run each other down, our children are deprived of a dream of having wonderful parents and begin distrusting others and loving inappropriately. There is something in children that compels them to protect a parent who is being hurt. If they take on the protective parenting role, they are deprived of a peaceful, free childhood. Manage our anger. As adults we can learn positive ways to deal with our hurts and disappointments. If we have to get help, we get it. We learn and practice new ways to tell others what we can and cannot tolerate. We are kind while being honest. Love them. Do what tells them beyond a doubt that they are loved. Ask them, if you are not sure. Our respect for them teaches them better than anything else how to respect others. FAMILY MATTERS November 17, 1998 |
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The new year is almost here! You can still make some resolutions that make a difference! Clip the resolutions below that you are willing to do faithfully this next year and witness the rewards for yourself! You may be a parent who wants to start early to prevent behavior problems. Or you may experience frequent misbehavior from your child. Perhaps you would like to calm your child's attempts to gain attention in annoying or hurtful ways. You can do that by supplying his normal need for attention in positive ways. Plan regular times together. Make attention and quality time with the child a priority. Let it become a ritual to spend 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted time with your child two or three times daily -- after breakfast, dinner, at bedtime--whatever fits the family's schedule. Turn the answering machine on. Listen deeply. When you interact with your child put work and events of the day on the back burner. Use everything within you to listen. Focus on your precious child. If you can't stop what you are doing at the moment, make a date with him. "I want to listen to you, but I need to finish this first. Can we make an appointment to talk when the big hand gets to the six?" |
Show interest in my child's progress. Be sincere.
Give spontaneous encouragement and attention when children show progress
socially, physically or intellectually. Celebrate progress, focus on their
effort. Don't wait for perfection or completion. Let your child know
he is moving in the right direction.
Get into my child's world. Have fun and laugh with him. Do things with him that he enjoys. Attend all athletic and special events in which he is involved. Enjoy his enjoyment of them. Touch my child every chance I get. A simple touch, arm around the shoulder, or a spontaneous hug are attention and affirmation delivered without words. Validate my children. Instead of ignoring the hurts, and trying to change the emotions of your children, try to put yourself in their place. Experience things through their eyes and minds. When they are enthusiastic: "You are really excited!" When they are mad: "Something really has you upset, doesn't it?" Simply state what you think they are feeling. Sometimes, positive discipline may also be necessary, but positive attention is always needed. Rejection in any form hurts. Positive attention heals. FAMILY MATTERS December 29, 1998 |