Newly aware of the
pain her child was carrying because of a separation and potential divorce,
a hurting mother sent the following:
"The little boy sat cross-legged on the floor,
reading a book about Clifford, the very large dog. He was the picture
of innocence, his sandy brown hair disheveled. His mom was in the
bathroom a few feet away, lost in her thoughts, her own world of confusion
and pain.
"Suddenly she heard the words that broke her
heart. Similar to many things he had hauntingly spoken in the previous
months. This time it was different. It was a secret he had
been hiding in his heart for weeks. ‘Mom, I'm really sorry I made
Daddy not live with us anymore.'
"The words were like arrows to her heart.
She made her way quickly to him, and sat down beside him on the floor.
‘Darling, it has nothing to do with you. Nothing you could do would
ever make Daddy leave. Tell me why you think that?'
"‘I just think I did bad things' he said solemnly,
with downcast eyes.
"‘Danny-boy, you didn't do anything wrong.
Daddy will always love you' she said, her heart filled both with anger
and pain."
Our children suffer when we cannot genuinely
love their other parent. They may not always be as descriptive as
Danny, but they are filled with emotions. We aren't blessed with
children only to make them pay for our immaturity. As parents,
we are responsible to protect our children from the preventable major
hurts such as separation, divorce, and estrangement.
Many times the partners think they are the
only one hurting. We don't realize how we are hurting those around
us.
Even if only one partner is willing to work
on the marriage, there is hope. It does require effort and persistence,
clarity of limits, and honesty about feelings. Without that,
a marriage will get more hopeless every day. Eventually the souls
within the marriage are withered and lifeless. At that point, we
give up.
If your desire is to give the gift of
a whole and healthy marriage and family to your children, I want to give
you hope. There are some things we can't change. It takes courage
to change ourselves and wisdom to know what is impossible to change.
A unity of spirit coupled with counseling can help you see the issues clearly.
New patterns of acting and thinking can be established. You can begin
to love again. Isn't that what you really want?
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Best friends
They may call you on the phone often. Perhaps
they drop by your house. They may want you to go hunting, shopping,
fishing or walking with you.
Friends are fantastic. They can really make
it feel like life is worth living.
But, if your spouse is beginning to make comments
about how "you're always gone with them" or "you never stay home with me
anymore," that friend may be placing a strain on your marriage.
The underlying problem is that your spouse is getting
the message that someone else is more important to you than they are.
They begin to feel left out and believe that you
can share things with others, but not with them.
What happens next is the beginning of damage to
the marriage relationship. Distrust, jealousy, and hurt begin to
brew in their pressure cooker heart. Often, the seal is not really
tight, and the steam begins to leak out slowly as sarcasm, cutting remarks,
criticism, and irritability. Their leakage causes damage in
your heart.
"Heart damage" in marriages has the best outcome
if it is treated early.
Permanent destruction results when the symptoms are ignored.
So, how can we insure a healthy outcome? Acknowledge
the feelings of hurt, rejection, feeling abandoned, or taken for granted
when they first start. Start by expressing your response to the hurtful
behavior and follow it with what you need to reduce the hurt or make it
vanish.
What you are doing by talking about it is putting
a connection between your hearts. You will know each other a little
better. You will know what you both need to feel the most contentment
in your marriage.
You will have shared critical information that may
be needed to prevent further "heart damage."
You both then have the choice of doing what the other one requests.
So, if you'd like to be married to your best friend--you
can best do it by listening, really hearing, and choosing to do what makes
your spouse feel MOST important in your life.
It's the greatest!
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Infatuation: out of control
It is springtime! Everything
is blooming and full of color! School is almost over. Life
is full of promise! We waken to the songs of delighted birds. Calves
are born. All
of this seems to make it more likely to fall in love.
Except, "falling in love" isn't really love!
It's infatuation. We have all seen the absurd way we behave when
we're infatuated.
Infatuation is a time when we act without
reason. We are unable to focus on anything in the world except how
to be with the one with whom we're infatuated. It's a terribly exciting
emotional high.
Watch those "in love." They have all
the time in the world for the one they love. They can spend hours
on the phone long distance if they are separated. Watch them.
They don't notice that there is anyone else in the world. We see
them as "out of their minds!" Most people decide to get married because
of the "in-love" experience.
Then what? Well, a year or two later,
that feeling isn't as exciting at all. Routines are in place.
They suddenly notice annoying habits and tiny resentments begin to form.
The best resentment-prevention involves something we all can do. Most do
nothing. Try to:
Ask for the little things we need. We may need the house to look
neat, the car to be clean. We may need some solitude or we may need
some deep conversations. We may value sticking to a budget, or need
a small impulsive gift.
Perhaps we can't take criticism and need to
be told we're appreciated. We value peace and quiet without the TV
for a time each evening. We might need some regard after work, a
hug, or a hand to hold.
Whatever it is, our cooled-off partner can't
read our mind. We have to tell them what we need.
Share feelings about annoyances.Even slight
bothers can begin to form tiny resentments. Having dirty clothes
put in the hamper and shoes in the closet may be important.
Squeezing the toothpaste from the middle really
annoys. Hanging the paper towels backwards requires you change it.
Being ignored causes you to simmer. Time spent with the computer
sends you a loud message about your value.
Are you disgusted with the little white spots
on the mirror from flossing? Do you get nauseated every time he spits?
Do they spend too much time on the phone? Spend too freely?
Do they talk when you need quiet?
It doesn't take much to relate what we are
thinking.
By sharing, we are protecting the future of
our love. We're doing each other a big favor!
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Start
talking with spouse
Our society seems to claim sophistication
about sex. Marital sex grows out of the quality of our relationship.
Yet we rarely divulge the meaning of our personal sexual experience, even
to our spouse.
Sharing the meaning
our conjugal intimacy has may build a major wall of protection around our
marriage.
Much damage to the marital
bond is done when we operate under assumptions. Sharing our deep
emotional meanings is one thing that can help us get our needs met.
Allow the following
to help you start talking with your spouse about the meaning of sex
in your marriage.
Joy. Our joy is
doubled when we bring pleasure and satisfaction to the one we truly love.
The fun involved can fill us with wonder at the creation of such a union
of two souls.
Love. The
gift of our devoted attention can be returned to us like a well- placed
investment.
Source of value.
Occasionally, we feel useless to our partner in every way except that we
are valued in the sexual arena. Usually this degrades us to feel
that we are useless in all other areas of the marriage.
Power. Sometimes,
we get a sense of control over another. If this is power not freely
given, resentment will most certainly begin to breed. Manipulation
of an unwilling marriage partner breeds contempt over time.
Duty. Women tend
to feel their sexual "responsibility" as a wife and partner despite their
personal feelings. Acting out of chronic attitudes of duty can adulterate
the very structure of a marriage.
Relief. Sources
of tension bombard us from all directions. Work, family, church,
financial responsibility, inadequacies all contribute. Sometimes
sexual encounters provide a welcome release, however temporary.
Self-gratification.
Thinking of our own needs rather than the needs of our partner may be the
motivation for our sexual exploits.
Lust. Things forbidden
seem to raise the enticement value when we operate without the guidance
of principles. Concern for others and their feelings is disregarded
when this meaning is primary to us.
Substitute. When
we feel uncomfortable in verbal intercourse, sometimes sexual intercourse
serves to replace the very valuable discussion of emotions, attitudes,
goals and dreams.
We may feel we are expressing
much through our sexual experience. However, communication is incomplete
if they do not receive the message. So, we need to talk first about
what we are trying to express in this most intimate encounter of marriage.
Can you MAKE me love you?
"You made me love you. I didn't want to do
it. I didn't want to do it." Remember this old song about love?
Can love be forced?
Our deepest love relationships spring out
of gratitude and feeling accepted and appreciated. Think back to
the last time you really felt loved. What was it that took place
in the interaction between you and the other person?
My guess is that one of the following five
characteristics was involved in the interchange that helped you feel a
little bit more loved.
Appreciation. Another has acknowledged
something wonderful about you. They have received added joy in life
because of you. Perhaps you did something for them, or maybe your
character gives them hope or love. Affirmation or appreciation is
something that usually motivates us to repeat the act they so appreciated.
Affection. Being touched in a gentle,
caring, manner speaks to our soul. Holding hands or having a pat
on our back tells we are wanted, accepted, or approved. Touch
has the capability of hurting and comforting. Affection is a powerful
method of communicating our most vital need: that of loving and being loved.
Acceptance. When someone wants to spend
time with us, talking, listening, and regarding us as admirable, enjoyable,
and quite wonderful gives us a peace to know we are normal and desirable.
Gifts. A reminder someone thought of
us, and wants to express their love in a tangible way, gives us a sense
of value. Gifts linger long when tied to an emotional gratitude for
the acceptance, approval and affection someone has toward us.
Service. Getting help with everyday
chores, having something fixed just for us can give the message that others
care. They are doing something that makes our life a little easier
and more fun. Washing dishes folding clothes, cleaning, and mowing together
gives a sense of teamwork and partnership.
Force, shame, guilt or hurt was not likely
involved the last time you really felt loved. Others can make it
difficult to show our real feelings when those techniques are used.
If we are not showing love by using the techniques above, we must not care
if others' response is genuine love or pretending to love us out of fear.
If our predominant behaviors do not fall under appreciation, affection,
acceptance, gifts or touch, the people around us feel more like controlled
prisoners.
Love is an honest reaction, not a pretended,
forced, act. We cannot makeanother person love us. However, by treating
them with consideration and respect, they will feel loved. We respond to
love with our own natural, loving, action or word.
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Learning
to live together
Just like martial
arts, marital arts take years to refine. In fact, sometimes I believe
that is a big purpose to life--learning how to live with other human beings.
Are there some moves
that can help us be more successful with the marital arts?
Are there some underlying
principles that could guide us as we strive for improvement? Let
us see.
Freedom comes to mind.
The attitude that others have the right to see things differently and to
have an opinion unlike our own is basic to success in marriage.
When we give the opinion
that our way is the best way, the other party usually feels put down.
The message is, "You are not as good as I am."
I may want my husband
to enjoy this computer that produces these columns. Yet I cannot
force him to want to use modern technology and still expect him to love
me as richly.
We all need to feel
that we have that basic right called freedom.
Consideration
for the little things in life is important. Life becomes a little
easier for those around us.
This might mean we rinse
our dishes and put them in the dishwasher. We would hang up our clothes,
put away our shoes and use the hamper for our dirty clothes.
Perhaps we make something
special for dinner our spouse enjoys. When we can tell they've been
stressed, we might bring home a small thoughtful gift to say we care.
Encouraging our spouse
when they have suffered loss or disappointment really means a lot.
Letting them know we believe in them and appreciate the hard work that
helps pay the bills can make life a little better.
Regard is vital when
our paths cross to let them know we are interested in them. Talking
at meal times, muting the TV when they speak to us, or putting down the
book we are reading gives the message that we are glad they live with us.
Communicating with honesty
when we are annoyed or disappointed with openness. Hurtful
words will be much less likely. As we share our feelings kindly,
our hearts are bound together.
Integrity is tied to
commitment and contributes the glue that cements the bonds of marriage.
Knowing we can trust each other is at the heart of a marriage.
When we get the same
results all the time, we begin to feel secure and safe in our marriage.
Marriage is the work
of a lifetime. If any of these arts are missing from your marriage,
begin investigating or finding some counsel that can help you develop these
essential arts. It can always get better.
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