MARITAL RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
Return to Tom and Arlene's
Home Page
 
 
Denying needs is needless
 Hanging on to one who leaves isn't love
 No such thing as 'fun' in dysFUNctional
Here's good advice if you want to be happy--and married
 Some people are on quest to find out exactly who they are We can improve our chances at staying married
What women really don't need in their relationships
 Hugs reveal reality of relationships
 Spouse-talk can be challenging, rewarding
Partnership needs respect from all I get jealous because you like it
 Learning how to raise libidos in women isn't that difficult
What traits help make up the ideal husband?
Planned separations can bring healing to your relationships
 Dying relationships can be revived with right techniques
Fear can kill human spirit
 Winning marriage partners must pull together like a team
 Promote understanding by sharing withholds
Wars at home and abroad
 When arguing, winning can be losing
Denying needs is needless
    Nice people seem to have the notion that asking for their needs to be met is not ideal. If they have to ask, the meeting of their needs is less valuable.
    Each person has a unique set of needs. Some need a quiet environment while others need activity and social interaction. Some need conversation and others enjoy simply doing things together. Some like to work with others.  Some work best alone. What bothers one is joy for another.
    How are those around us supposed to know exactly what pleases us the most (assuming they get pleasure from pleasing)? The only way is for us to share that information with them.
    Women seem to withhold their needs more than men. They can go through many years of marriage before they realize that their unmet needs have formed a nest of resentment.
    Often they need help in the kitchen, with the laundry, or children. They feel more important when their opinions are considered or their reactions taken seriously. Because women tend to be less direct, messages to their husbands and children can be unclear.
    Needs that go unspoken must be expressed clearly. Here are some of the most frequently unexpressed needs of women:
    “I really appreciate being able to have some time with you to talk about things that are important to either of us–maybe current events, goals for our family, evaluating our marriage, learning about something new, or simply visiting uninterrupted for about 20 minutes about every other day.”
    “I need to know that you are committed to our marriage and will let me know if there is anything I can do to make it any better.”
    “I need some help with fixing supper, or playing with the children while I prepare something for us to eat.”
    “I would really enjoy a night out with you at least every other week just to get reacquainted.”
    “I need you to remember special days in my life, like my birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s day and Mother’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I’d be happy with something that you picked out all by yourself.”
    “It’s important to me that you talk to me with respect.”
    “I really need to know if there is anything that I am doing that is causing you to wish you weren’t married to me.”
    The list could go on. The point is that if we don’t ask, we may not receive. Life is much more peaceful and rewarding when we all get our needs met.

Top of Page

Here’s good advice if you want to be happy–and married
    More and more people are beginning to believe “happy marriage” is a myth. If it doesn’t work out, “oh, well–I’ll find someone else to love me.”
    The problem is that we carry the same self-concept into each relationship. If it damaged the previous relationship, chances are it will damage future ones. That concept guides our choices and behaviors. Those choices and behaviors don’t change with a new partner.    
    True love isn't about short term feelings. Feelings change. Relying on how you feel today means that you may give up and never make it through tomorrow.
    So, what are some keys to holding it together while making it better? Here are a few keys:
    Demonstrate your partner’s value by making time for each other, listening to what is important to them, showing an interest in what interests them, and trying to see things through their eyes, from their point of view. Every chance you get, try to tell them what you think it must be like to be in their shoes.
    Ask for what you need  rather than stewing when you aren’t getting your needs met and resenting your spouse. Talk about your hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets.
    Be generous with your appreciation and recognition for all that your spouse does for the family–working for income, juggling family schedules, and sacrificing leisure to meet family needs. Acknowledge and affirm the positive  traits of your spouse’s character. What do they do right? Use random acts of kindness to communicate their specialness. Leave notes, cards, original poems, tickets for special evenings out, or sweet messages on the phone.
    Speak gently with a calm, kind tone. Many a violent act began with a threatening tone of voice. Instead of accusation, criticism, and blaming, simply say what upsets you and  ask if it is a good time to talk about it. Solve problems as they occur. Peace is much more enjoyable than conflict unresolved.
    Make regular investments in your marriage memory bank as a couple doing the things you enjoy. Demonstrating that you are committed to enriching the marriage is a great factor in security and contentment.  
    Share the responsibilities and duties that must be done in the business of running a family. When there is an imbalance, you can be sure that resentment is growing.
    Support each other presenting a united front to the children in areas of regulations and consequences. You can count on chaos when you are divided.
    Offer freedom for your spouse to think and believe differently. Somehow, this helps open the mind to new possibilities.
    Try out these keys to making your marriage more fun and rewarding.
Top of Page

Hanging on to one who leaves isn’t love
    Breaking up can really be difficult. When your world comes crashing down, a sudden change in emotions and actions reveals a totally different individual. Compulsion to keep life the same causes people to do unimaginable actions. They become private investigators, following, driving by, tapping phones, secretly checking cell phones and charges on bills.
    When someone leaves, why do so many human beings want to grasp so tightly? Why is it so hard to give up? What forces us to become different people? Letting go of something that many times we don’t even really want makes one feel “crazy.”    The more we try to get untangled from the web of the relationship, the tighter the sticky tentacles of the web give us the sense that we really have no control of the situation.
The facts tell us that the future is bleak if we stay in the relationship. But, getting them out of our mind seems impossible. The one who has left may have been abusive, unfaithful, distrustful, unproductive, illegal, and selfish. What makes it so hard to let go?
    Enmeshment or an unhealthy connection with another human being dries up the soul of each one involved. The efforts to influence or control the other’s feelings and actions are hazardous to concentration, productivity, and peace.
    Apparently, letting go is a struggle of giving up what WE need in order to meet the needs of the one who wants to leave us. Anxiety over the loss results in giving in and giving up our own beliefs and standards. Dramatic scenes of the struggle are recorded in our memory banks that only produce a higher level of anxiety and regret.
    Seemingly, we become slaves of the person walking away, willing to give up our sense of self to reclaim what we have lost. If that is what we choose,  it becomes impossible to have self-respect. Not respecting ourselves, it becomes impossible to truly love another. The downward spiral kills the love we are so afraid of losing.
    Letting go involves the realization that we have done our best, the leaver has freedom to choose to leave, and their leaving has nothing to do with our lovability and value. This solution may be simple to read. Although it is complicated to be successful, the possibility and necessity remain. Love is not really love if it isn’t willingly given.   

Top of Page

Some people are on quest to find out exactly who they are
    Frequently, when a marriage is struggling, one spouse may say, “I just need to find out who I am.” What exactly is the process which helps discover who we are?
    Parents are the major shapers of who we think we are. Extended family and peers continue the process that begins at home. We know who we think we are each and every day. What we are really doing when we find out who we are is deciding what is true and what is not true about ourselves.
    Parents who paid attention by spending time listening to, playing with, and talking to us told us that we were pretty important and valuable, and lovable. If that wasn’t what we experienced, there will be a future crisis which forces us to discover the truth. Are we really bad? Not good enough? In the way?
    Being in a marriage forces us to come to terms with who we really are. Marital harmony is dependent both partners knowing the truth about who they are. We tend to live out what we believe to be that truth. If we feel we are not acceptable, we will be shy and withdrawn from social interactions. If we believe that we are a failure, we are more likely to fail.
    So, how can a person find out who they are while they are still in the marriage? It takes some intense self-evaluation. We must honestly identify how we see ourselves. Each quality requires some meditation on all the evidence that contributes to that conclusion. For instance, if we believe we are a failure, what have been our great disappointments?
    What often becomes apparent is that we have been successful at many things. However, the message may have originated from early statements made by a damaged parent that told us we failed to dress right, wear our hair right, get the highest grades in the class, finish projects, succeed in sports or music.
    The tragedy is that if we never take the time to discover the truth, we may go through life believing lies about whom we are. Most often, the truth is that we did our best. We were just children trying to win the approval and acceptance of our parents.
    Finding ourselves is something that happens alone. It isn’t found in activities, substances, or material assets. We know who we are. No one knows us better or can change who we are by telling us what they think. Believing and acting as if we believe the lies make life uncomfortable. Pretending to be someone we aren’t is dissonant and distressful. We only need to look for and believe what is true. Living in harmony with the truth about whom we are is a great source of peace.
Top of Page

No such thing as 'fun' in dysFUNctional?
     I’m not sure how FUN found itself in the middle of dysFUNctional, but we will look at typical dysfunctional family traits and see how much fun they really are.
    Abuse may release some pent-up anger for the oldest or strongest, but it begins a new cycle of anger that is forced to be held in for another generation. Dealing with these new roots of anger will be a tedious process years from the outbursts, and not very humorous or pleasant.
    Affairs are exciting and packed with intense feelings. However, the web-like strands that entangle complete families in a feud of hurt, discouragement, embarrassment,  cut-off, and revenge, outweighs any amusement that the two involved in the affair could possibly have.
    Alcohol use which leads to drunken brawls, hurtful threats, yelling matches, absence from the family circles, and diverted funds from the family budget, doesn’t even look playful for the one person getting drunk.
    Assumptions which many times lead to stinging accusations can take any fun out of the rest of someone’s life. Getting the facts before we jump to conclusions might result in a lot more enjoyment.
    Berating may give one a sense of having power or being on top of the world, but the ones being put-down are never entertained by this destructive activity. The memory lasts forever.
    Cutting-off emotionally or not talking to family members for months because they displease us, may seem logical, but it doesn’t solve any problems. While it may be necessary to protect yourself, it’s not a first-rate choice if you want to have satisfaction in your life.
    Enmeshment or being overly connected to anyone may appear to be devotion or loyalty, but it always robs someone of freedom. Sometimes, what looks like love, is really entrapment or giving up self for another.
    Jealousy and suspicion are usually intended to control those around us. Think of all the effort that goes into checking another’s cell phone or computer. The resulting fear is no substitute for genuine love which is freely given, not manipulated. Manipulation is like being caught in quicksand for the ones being controlled.
    Lying has many excuses. It is reputed to prevent others from feeling bad, or protecting love. The lost trust eventually crumbles a relationship.
    Rude disrespect appears funny on TV, but in real-life, the pain is remembered and designs the future for the receivers.
    Rules about things that won’t matter ten years from now and aren’t physically dangerous or morally wrong only complicate lives trying to keep up with the limits. The best rules are defined by principles.    
    Why not try having fun by simply being more functional?
Top of Page

  We can improve our chance at staying married

   Love is wonderful. Some believe that love is all you need to be “complete.” Others think it makes the world go around. When the songs and poems are written about love, the mention of conflict and ugliness in love is rarely described.
    Statistics show married people and their children to be healthier, happier and financially more secure than families split by divorce. Whole families begin to disintegrate with divorce affecting future generations.
    The key to staying in love and therefore staying married, is learning how to communicate and negotiate. Expressing our needs is the most effective way of having a chance of getting them met. Setting boundaries or consequences heightens the likelihood that resentment will not get a foothold in the relationship.
    A young couple marrying today has a 40 percent lifetime risk of divorce. Anyone can change their odds of divorce. What are some of the facts about successful marriage?
    If we had marriage classes in high-school and college the following skills could help partners achieve success and happiness in marriage:
    Plan for success by outlining your expectations and discussing them way before saying “I do.” If there is a serious disagreement, move on to the next candidate.
    Give each other space to be with other friends or family members. No person can meet all the needs of another. This freedom keeps a marriage fresh and alive.
    Keep each other as top priority. Show an interest in each others’ opinions, taking them seriously. Talk only positively about your spouse when talking to other people.
    Talk even when bad feelings arise. Find solutions to your differences and disagreements so both of you feel like winners. Communicate until understanding and agreement are mutually attained. Looking through each other’s eyes can add that much-needed support.
    Be affectionate even if it is uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean sex, it means touching, hugging, holding, kissing and caressing.   
    Anticipate ups and downs and go with them. Welcome the natural growths of personality that happen with time.
    Fix any problem that invades the marriage as soon as possible. Getting professional help can be a valuable tool for repairing whatever is broken.
    Your marriage may never be perfect, but it can be a lot better. Within marriage lie the greatest challenges of a lifetime. With each challenge the reward is waiting to be claimed. Enjoy your marriage by following these keys to success in your home.
Top of Page

What women really don’t need in their relationships
       There are songs, movies and books about what women need, but there aren’t many looking at the underside of the quilt-top. It often looks much different and less appealing from below. But that is where we will explore today. Women don’t need:
    Disrespect. Conflict often leads to emotional and physical pain because of accusations, blaming, assuming, assigning value, defending self, and making excuses. Conflict is challenging and should be addressed, but when it is done with disrespect, more damage will result.
    Words are only one way for disrespect to ruin relationships. When other substances or people become more important, women have a hard time believing they are valued. Women dislike feeling second in importance to TV, computers, video games, newspapers, alcohol, drugs, books, sports, work, telephones, friends, and travel. Infidelity kindles this same spark of disrespect which can ignite and explode a perfectly good relationship.
    Rejection. Disgust and avoidance go to the center of whom we are. Ideally we can know that rejection by others doesn’t mean we have no worth or value. But, when women have devoted their life to a man, rejection nearly convinces them that their loyalty is misguided.
    Solving problems can be challenging and rewarding. When rejection is used in an attempt to make things better, the solution takes much longer to surface.
    Abandonment. Security is one of the top needs of women. Although females have a high capability, the sense of aloneness is a powerful negative force. Avoiding the devastation of being alone causes a variety of bizarre behaviors. This may be the weakest part of a woman’s heart, the great need for companionship and partnership. Knowing that a loyal commitment is theirs, creates calm contentment.
    Unpredictability. Women seem to function better when they can know what to expect. When uncertainty reigns, anxiety prevails. Hypervigilance is required to ward off any danger lurking in the environment. Home becomes a place of fear rather than a peaceful retreat.
    So, if there is a woman in your life, and you really want them to feel comfortably loved, show them genuine respect, acceptance and approval. For that which you can’t approve, just tell them how you feel when they do what irritates you. They will hear you and likely make some adjustments. Reassure them that you intend to remain with them, and respond the same way every time. That is, if you want a happy woman as your wife.
Top of Page

Spouse-talk can be challenging, rewarding
       Women complain more than men that their spouses never talk to them. Would you like to feel that your spouse has come alive conversationally? Would you like to enjoy the conversations you have?
    Since men and women don’t think alike, they don’t quite speak the same language. So we either have to learn their language or teach them ours. Our other options are to continue trying to get through to each other with sign-language, stonewalling, or drama demonstrations, unless you want to hire a translator.
    Talking together in marriage is not something either of us can be manipulated or bribed into doing. We are much more comfortable when conversations are thoughtful and considerate and we offer each other the freedom to differ in our opinions.
    Silence in marriage is not desirable to most. Emotional intimacy is impossible without kind, thoughtful, talking.
    Some feel their expressed ideas or thoughts are never right. They are rarely approved, accepted, or affirmed. Feeling backed in a corner with no way out, silence becomes the norm.
    As children, if we showed feelings that met with disapproval or harsh words, we began to shut down and withhold the truth about how we felt. Then, in marriage, we are expected to do something we never had permission to do before.
    One quality that nurtures a rewarding conversation is validation (putting into words what the other must be thinking or feeling). Talking from the heart may not come naturally but we can appreciate their willingness and honesty as attempts are made.
    We can't force another to change their  behavior, but we can change our own. Our changes in attitudes and behaviors inevitably influence changes in those around us.
    Some examples of changes that we could choose would be like the following:
    After coming home and finding a brochure for a cruise to Mexico, instead of saying “What in the world are you thinking?” how would it be if we said, “What an interesting idea?! When did you first think of this? What else did you consider?”
    Or, perhaps instead of, “You must be out of your mind!” we could ask “Have you wanted to do this for a long time? Help me understand how you came to be interested in Mexico! What other options did you reject before you settled on this?”
    After hearing an astonishing and ridiculous opinion to us, we could say either “That’s absurd!” Or, we could try not to reinforce the separating wall by observing, “This is really important to you, isn’t it? You must really value that?”
    Notice the questions and comments attempt to understand your spouse better. The key is to begin to understand their reasoning rather than forcing our own opinions on them.
    When they feel free to be themselves, they will feel free to communicate with the  one that gives them that freedom.
Top of Page

Hugs reveal reality of relationships
    Have you ever felt uncomfortable in a hug?
    Everything has a purpose and reason. Hugs reflect the quality, intensity, and depth of a relationship.
    There is the comfortable, warm hug, the brief, pat-on-the-back hug, the one-handed and two-handed hugs, the bear hugs, and the long, lingering hugs.
    How do you know when a hug is over? A hug with your spouse may communicate tension, aggravation, warmth, frustration, desperation, love, and relief.
    This is valuable information for a marriage.
    Begin to notice the response of your spouse when you hug a little longer, with more purpose or more meaning.
    Who lets go first? Who tries to hang on the longest? Does it feel like you are just going through the motions but are not really connecting? Does it feel empty? Do you feel anything at all?
    To get the most out of a hug, first look at how YOU feel inside when you hug.
    Criticizing your perception of your partner’s hidden meaning in their hug is counterproductive.
    Share your own meaning with your spouse. Are you anxious? Are you afraid your hug (love) will be rejected?
    Do you feel a wall that you have built? Are you trying to protect yourself? Or do you feel safe, loved, and protected?
    The shared meaning of your hug will begin to improve the intimacy of your relationship.
    Even if discomfort is present–at least it will have been put into words and shared with the one person who is trying to understand you the most.
    Discussing your individual meanings and interpretations during a hug may help pinpoint areas of the relationship that can use some improvement or help.
    Perhaps one of you is trying to “hang on too tight.” If so, the other one is probably trying to “get loose” before they feel “trapped.” This could perfectly describe the complete picture of the relationship.
    You can begin to ask questions about yourself and your role in the relationship.
    Do you want to force someone to stay in your hold? Do you want to make your partner do what they are uncomfortable doing?
    Freedom in marriages brings a much higher level of intimacy. There is even more.
There is a added bonus to you doing a little research on your hugs.
    Being in a hug that soothes, results in a calm relaxation. Brain transmitters are released that lower anxiety and stress. No trips to your doctor and pharmacy.
    And hugs are free!

Top of Page


“I get jealous because you like it!”
    The lyrics of a song I heard said exactly that–“I get jealous because you like it!” I have yet to meet anyone who liked their partner being jealous.
    Jealousy is a potent manipulator. It usually is accompanied by an accusation or attempt to control another person. Jealous feelings and comments tell others that someone may lose IF they continue to cause the jealousy. Who could like that?
    One reality of human behavior is that when they feel pushed, coerced, pulled, or manipulated, they WILL resist. Knowing that truth, jealousy really has no chance working successfully. Nobody enjoys jealousy. The jealous person seems to doubt the level of trust and devotion. The one being told of the jealousy feels disappointed that their loyalty is doubted and not obvious. It feels like getting all dressed up for a person who is blind.
    Jealous comments and actions reveal a lack of security and a fear of losing the affection or support of another person. The problem is, that the receiver of jealousy gets weary of accusations and begins to withdraw affection and support.
    Roots of jealousy don’t usually lie within the relationship where it is demonstrated. Usually, there has been someone who betrayed the trust of that jealous person when they were a child.
    Parents who were unfaithful to their partner, or abandoned their children through neglect, abuse, or simply leaving the child’s other parent usually constitute the history of a jealous individual. Frequently, there is very little or no contact with one or both parents. For some reason, men are jealous more often than women.
    The logical solution for jealousy in relationships is to go to the source of those feelings. Revisiting the hurt from parental abandonment helps discover the truth about who that child has grown up to be. They didn’t cause the breakup. They were precious, lovable, normal kids. They deserved better than they received.
    The process of healing takes place only in therapy or with a true friend that helps discover the real truth and meaning of a childhood filled with injustice. The virtues in jealousy result only when it is unstated and helps resolve and eliminate hurtful behaviors by others.
    No one wins in jealousy. Both parties lose. There is no virtue in jealous thoughts or actions.

Top of Page

Learning how to raise libidos in women isn’t that difficult
    Married women commonly complain that something is missing. Bliss has disappeared or never shown up in marriage.
    In this age of technology, I was able to get an honest glimpse into the life of a midlife female and her frustration by typing “recliner,” “TV,” and “husband” into my search engine.
    Here is a synopsis of what I found: A woman with a low libido was confused about whether she was getting tired of her husband or if a lack of hormones were making her feel tired of what she was getting in her 30-year marriage.
    She admitted she kept her intense feelings at bay. She didn’t want to upset the balance in her marriage. Expressing them in the past had only left her feeling worthless and hurt. She felt her husband wasn’t interested in her hidden feelings of loathing and a sense of seething resentment inside.
    Her observations about her husband included that he no longer seemed to care about his nine-month pregnant appearance. She had concluded that the most valuable factors in his life were work, his recliner, a drink in his hand, and his TV remote. If he lived in a shed out back and dropped in on occasion their marriage she guessed their marriage would possibly improve.
    Often, the crack in the marital foundation begins with an imbalance in the division of labor. Since often males bring home the bigger pay check, there seems to be a sense of entitlement to a served meal, clean laundry and a clean house with a built-in nanny. Women feel at least they deserve a break on the weekends, especially if they have worked a 40+ hour week, too.
    After spending some time silently eavesdropping in that chat-room, I exited with some libido-enhancing tips for men.
    Get out of your recliner and hug your wife. It seems to turn off their tendency to nag and irritate you. Do some fun things together.
    Offer to help your wife in the mundane responsibilities of life that have to be repeated over and over.
    Press the power “Off” button on the remote and listen without trying to have all the answers. Talk with a kind voice. Look in her eyes and let a twinkle out. That way, she senses your interest.
    Be polite when it comes to bodily functions. Crude noises and odors reduce loving desires.
    Take care of your health and weight. Out-of-shape bodies make it more difficult to be appealing.
    Finally, clean up any mess you may make. Rinse your dishes after eating, leaving glasses and plates in the sink without a hardened crust. For an even higher libido, offer to help clean up the kitchen or fold the clothes while she sits in your recliner! You are better than hormones!  
Top of Page
Partnership needs respect from all 
 
    We all have fragile egos. In marriage, we usually see ourselves as a little better than our partner. Partnership can never be about whom is better. Partnership is about recognizing each other’s strengths and about recognizing only our weaknesses.
    What kills relationships is the lack of mutual respect. Telling someone how they should do something or how they should feel is disrespectful. If we simply get permission to offer advice before giving it, we can convert the disrespect to respect. Freedom to think and act is the highest form of freedom.
    Respectful input, if requested, needs to be delivered in a positive, pleasant voice. Sarcasm, complaining, control, and criticism have no room in a respectful partnership. Be sure to address the behavior instead of the person. Instead of saying “You are so selfish!” Say “I feel unimportant when you spend all of our budgeted savings on a fishing boat for yourself.”
    Before giving helpful advice, the other person seems to hear better if you first focus on what they have done right. With an attitude of encouragement, tell them precisely what their strength is.
    Believing in your spouse is communicated in many ways. Eyes, facial expressions, body posture, voice tones, as well as the words and actions let others know that you see them as competent and valuable.
    Mutual respect allows partners to admit problems and seek to find solutions. Mutual respect means that we don’t give up or give in to each other. We work to devise a solution with which both are comfortable.
    Mutual respect creates power from having twice the manpower solving problems. If one feels they have to “give-in,” or “give-up,” automatically one partner becomes weaker. The weakness is like an aneurysm in an artery. The marriage less likely to survive under pressure.
    Even when someone’s behavior is not deserving of respect, when respect is given, the disrespectful behavior is more likely to clear out. Disrespect, when responded to with more disrespect, only causes a decline in the quality of the environment. Let’s each do our part in creating an environment of respect.    
Top of Page


Planned separations can bring healing to your relationships
    When relationships are wound and damage partners, a planned separation can revitalize and renew patterns that aren’t working. Well planned separations bring more healthy, fulfilling interactions.
    The purpose of a separation is to execute a plan for investing in personal growth as well as relationship enrichment. Sometimes, addressing a disorder such as depression, ADHD, or bipolar greatly improves the relationship. Other times,  working on old wounds from childhood changes the way we interpret present events. Yet other times, the focus may be on communicating in more healthy ways and learning techniques to enhance the relationship.
    Some key decisions must be jointly agreed upon to benefit from a separation. They are:
    How long will it take to achieve the goals? The period may vary from a few weeks up to six months or longer in the case of addictions or abuse.
    How much time should be regularly spent together? Practice of new patterns must take root before returning to the relationship.
    What does each partner plan to do for optimum growth? Counseling? Treatment? Rehabilitation? Demonstrate new behaviors?
    Emotional space is needed to gain as much personal growth as possible. Separate living arrangements need to be made. Living in the same house during a “separation” doesn’t seem to work as efficiently as living apart.
    Financial arrangements must be made. New accounts may need to be opened, responsibility for bill-paying will have to be designated, a budget will need to be developed. Money can create a major source of irritation and block advancement in the growth of the relationship.
    Postpone sexual activity until a decision is made for maintaining the relationship. Issues get clouded with emotional confusion. Also, postpone changing titles to cars, houses, and other possessions until the set period of time has  ended.
    Children are the most important consideration when a separation is planned. What will bring the least damage, the least confusion, the least turmoil, to their lives? Include activities to change their world the least. Decisions need to be weighed for their needs to feel loved, valued, and secure.
    The purposes of separation are to give time and space to grow personally, socially, spiritually, and emotionally. It is a time to determine your own needs and expectations for the relationship. A decision must be made regarding whether or not your needs and expectations can be met in the relationship.
    If there is no planning for a separation, it will fail. Planning for a healing separation can create a much more loving, rich, and healthy relationship.
Top of Page
What traits help make up the ideal husband? 
 
    On a recent trip to visit a special daughter and her husband in Washington, D.C., we attended Oscar Wilde’s play, “The Ideal Husband.” 
    While the husband in the play was a charming, ambitious, successful, politician, and demonstrated some truths about ideal husbands, he also possessed some of the characteristics that detract significantly from the positive traits.
    An ideal husband possesses:
    Loyalty to the wife he has chosen. Even if past relationships beg for a division of devotion, the commitment remains true.
    Honesty with integrity is always the best policy. The truth can prevent a multitude of discomforts, even if telling the truth is temporarily uncomfortable. Concealing the past in order to keep the future is a prescription for failure.
    Contentment with what is his brings a peace and happiness into the marriage. Trying to gain power and wealth many times skews the picture enticing some men to have to pretend to be someone they are not.
    Relax and enjoy time with your spouse. Worry and anxiety robs the day of joy. Each together moment is stored in a memory bank to draw upon in the future. When facing death, those memories can sweeten the winter of life.
    Take responsibility for your behaviors, attitudes, and feelings. Blaming is a smokescreen that quickly becomes noxious.
    Industriousness balanced with leisure allows time to nurture the relationship that will be primary. Wives enjoy that feeling of security and being taken care of.
    Polite in manner, voice, and words is a quality that helps wives overlook other faults. Being treated with respect and kindness renders feelings of high value and importance.
    Admitting mistakes and offering an apology demonstrates a largess of character. Repeated apologies for the same offense, however, begin to dilute the sweetness.
    Setting limits on self to avoid being alone with other women can prevent a tangled web of complicated disasters in marriage.
    Sharing the dreams and feelings of each day allows your hearts to merge into a unified whole. Intimacy is impossible without this quality.
    Equal balance of rights and responsibility in making decisions and managing the duties of a household creates a sense of partnership. Feeling  like a team rather than two mules pulling in different directions accomplishes a bountiful harvest.
    The purpose of life finds a treasure in relationships. We can all work toward healthy, nurturing, balanced marriages. This treasure doesn’t come without effort from both parties.
Top of Page
Dying relationships can be revived with right techniques
    Discerning whether a human is dead or alive is not extremely difficult. A throbbing pulse, muscle strength, air exchange, skin color and temperature are usually “dead giveaways.”
    Sometimes we remain in relationships long after they have died. The “life” has gone out of the interactions, fun is gone, comfort has vanished. When a relationship is dying, we experience high levels of pain trying to figure out ways to resuscitate the connection.
    If it’s any consolation, the fact that there is pain can be a clue that life can be restored or created in the relationship. Pain is a clue that something needs to be improved or changed.
    Almost always, if we find ourselves in a dying relationship, the patterns which are killing it arise out of our distant past. When childhood connections were filled with uncertainty, doubt, fear, shame, and guilt,  our adult relationships will duplicate those patterns.
    Believing we are unacceptable or bad, we will behave in unacceptable and bad ways under stress. If a child is ignored, criticized, constantly scolded, they come to expect the rejection they feel and form new relationships repeating this early pattern.
    Often, poorly connected children become poorly connected adults. Their relationships develop out of an intense need to be loved, supported, and cared for in predictable ways.
    Relationships are damaged or destroyed when mutual respect for each other is not demonstrated.
    There are CPR techniques we can learn to do if we find ourselves in dying relationships are:
    Care about discovering the truths we believe about ourselves. Are we really worthless and unwanted? Or were those who raised us simply damaged and desperate?
    Procure what you need, knowing you now deserve to be treated as valuable. Respectfully setting limits on pain you don’t deserve can begin to revive a dying relationship.
    Responsibility focused on your own choices, and actions that have been destructive in the past, not others’, will narrow your focus to changing only that which you truly have control over.
    Begin to act with respect in all relationships, whether or not it is earned. Use the truth discovered about yourself to reshape the way you interact with others.
    We stand at a crossroads when we realize our relationship is dying or dead. We can do CPR, or we can let it go. By letting it go, we create the doom of certain death in the next generation.
    One person’s actions can change the future for many others.
Top of Page
Love has no boundaries, but fear can kill human spirit
    They say everyone experiences love at some time. Love can make us cry. It can make us soar. Love nurtures the soul. Only through love can we experience unity.
es.
       Why would anyone want to kill something so wonderful?
    The paradox of most wonderful things is that the dividing line between the greatest and the worst of experiences is a fine line.
    When we love, we expose ourselves to the possibility of hatred. When we experience joy, it is only because we have known sadness. We crave safety more after being in danger.
    Why would anyone try to kill the glory of love by introducing fear into the relationship?
        Nothing makes love more impossible than control through fear and threats. Love is most possible when experienced in freedom. Only then can the love we get in return be true.
    If love is given in fear, it becomes a type of slavery.
    Most likely, we inject fear into a relationship because that is what someone else did to us. Usually that fear was given when we were young and lacked adequate defenses.
    In order to eliminate fear from your relationship, there are two things that can help. One is to revisit the original fear that was given to you. The second is to commit to control only yourself.
    Revisiting the original fear only means to look back and ask yourself what you began to believe about yourself at the time of the fearful event.
    Did you begin to conclude that you were weak? Not good enough? Not lovable? Worthless? Guilty?
    Those messages may have been completely false. But, if you have carried them with you through life, they are your current beliefs about yourself.
    The truth must be discovered. Are you weak? Are you good enough? Are you unlovable? Are you worthless? Are you guilty?
    If the answers to those questions are discovered, you will be able to relate in a much more positive way. Giving others the freedom to have an opinion different from yours becomes easier. Allowing others to make their choices with your acceptance communicates love. Helping others look positive in public makes you stronger.
    While love is holding on, it is also letting go. While it is giving, it is also accepting.
    Love may contain walls, but others can reach through, and you can reach out. Love is knowing what you are responsible for and allowing others to own their opinions, attitudes, and actions.
Top of Page

Winning marriage partners must pull together like a team
    Every year at Ider we have the annual “mule-pull” event. To win with mules is a lot like winning in marriage. Both require unity of purpose either with the rider or the partner mule. Oneness, harmony, or unity don’t just happen. These vital characteristics are worked for over time with purpose, planning, and just plain hard work.
    Mule competition, like marriages are most successful when they are in great shape. Great shape requires good nutrition, and regular feeding. On those winning days, a sense of pride is absolutely appropriate.
    A bridle and harness sets appropriate, sometimes uncomfortable limits to maximize efforts. In a team-pull, eveners allow one to pull more than the other.
    Events of mule competition are similar to events in marriage that contribute to a healthy productive life include pleasure, obstacles, and team-pulls of heavy-weighted burdens.
    Pleasure or fun is necessary to provide the impetus for the work that is necessary in order for marriages to be successful. Deposits in memory banks can be available for future withdrawals during crises and difficult times. Fun doesn’t just happen. Planning and making time for pleasure always precedes memory-making pleasure.
    Obstacles in marriage are the times when we go out of our planned pathway to avoid unnecessary confrontations or discomforts. Obstacles keep us alert and constantly judging which path is the best to take. Were it not for the obstacles, opportunities appear that make life more interesting and produce wisdom.
    Team pulls illustrate best how successful marriages must constantly accommodate, adjust, and use energy wisely. To win with mules as in marriage, pulling in the same direction, unity of goals, purpose, and harmony, are required.
    Celebrations bring families together to enjoy the daily efforts at excellence. Fun is had, work is accomplished. At the end of the day, memories have been made. All of the days of regular work and boundary-setting pay off.
    Next year, we might begin an event called “Marriage-pull” honoring those who work at teamwork, partnering, and harmonious pulling together
Top of Page
Promote understanding by sharing withholds
     There are millions of ways our thoughts keep us from opening up to each other.  Here are just a few of those thoughts that arrest the development of our relationships and limit other’s understanding of who we really are.
    "He doesn't care what I think . . . "  "She just wants me to do it her way." "It would only hurt him to know . . . " "I only need to get these kids through college . . . " "I wish he wouldn't . . . " “It’s just not worth telling him . . . ” "We just can't seem to communicate. " “She’s such a nag. ” “He’s so lazy!”
    Having these or similar thoughts,  how can we stay open and respectful to those we love? When we think others are being unreasonable, irrational or otherwise, how can we let them know? This is at the core of whether two people can live together happily or not.
    Being aware of your own thoughts and feelings on a moment-by-moment basis allows the opportunity for being in connection with others.
    Let’s say John frequently comes home late. His wife Judy is exasperated. It may seem simple. John could call when he is going to be late but he doesn't.
    Maybe John is procrastinating, maybe he forgets and loses track of time. Maybe he's passive-aggressive, or maybe he secretly feels like he is controlled by Judy.
    Both have a responsibility to draw closer in situations like these. John can be more aware of his commitment to honor Judy.
If it looks like he's not going to get home on time, his commitment is to call Judy and let her know. This is not designed to restrict his freedom. It is simple respect for Judy.
    Judy's inner work, on the other hand, is completely different from John's. She knows he has challenges getting home on time and staying focused. Her job is to remind herself that he loves her and acknowledge that he has these challenges. The odds of him improving go up if she can catch him doing it "right" and say something like “Thanks for calling. I can’t wait till you get home!”
    If he fails in the future, Judy should let him know about her upset or disappointment AND at the same time be loving anyway (That's the tough part).  Here’s how.
    1. Know that person loves you and is having a non-typical moment.
    2. Speak from your heart and not from your head describing how you are feeling about the challenge.
    3. When you communicate, talk to and listen to your partner as if he or she is the most important person to you. Respect adds vitality and richness to an otherwise dull relationship.    To have the best relationship possible, focus on sharing the little “withholds” that make a difference in your relationship and can determine your level of happiness, loyalty, longevity, connection, trust and passion.

Top of Page
   Wars, at home and abroad
    Presently, there are 39 major wars going on in the world. Many of these wars are within the countries rather than against another country. Differences of unresolved opinions and feelings of tribal superiority and the right to control others fuel animosities that keep a war going.
    Misery, grief, and suffering abound. Fear, insecurity, damage and destruction are natural results of war. Financial drain occurs. Relationships evaporate.
    In our private homes exist mini-wars bringing the same type of damage. Expressions of irritation mushroom into rage behind closed doors every day. Wars at home are estimated to be taking place in more than half a million homes every year. Domestic violence takes the lives of three women every day in the “land of the free.”
    While all violence is not against women, women are five to eight times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner. Keeping our police force and legal systems ensnared in these wasteful battles drains our country’s vital resources.
    Feeling trapped and controlled, women commonly return to the battlefield only to repeat the same wars over and over. No effort has been made to resolve the conflicts that repeatedly surface. Often, they return with their children to be traumatized by the conflict or to the chaos of being in the custody of the state.
    Children watching and hearing violence grow up to be anxious, fearful and depressed. Watching the fuses and stacks blow, the handles flying and the collars getting hot leaves a lasting impression.
    The wars begin with threats in loud, hostile, steamy language. These can be almost as damaging to children as the actual fights or shootings of a guns. To the child, something akin to a “near-death” experience occurs every time the rage erupts between the people they are counting on to give them security, love, and peace.
    These home-wars don’t have to last a lifetime. Counseling can help resolve issues, separations can prevent further damage and destruction, support groups will provide tools to manage life in a new and better way.
    No one deserves to be treated with force or control. Conflict can be managed in a civil, logical, rational manner. Everyone can feel content and secure that peace will last. A plan can be developed to set the limits on future wars. Understanding the certain consequences helps discourage can be made plain in the event of breaking those limits.
    Complaining about the wars abroad doesn’t make sense as long as we are tolerating the wars at home.
Top of Page
When arguing, winning can be losing
    Most people argue because they think they want to show that they are right. They are smarter, wiser, and more powerful. There is always a loser when someone wins.
    Perhaps a more noble reason to argue is to get at the truth. But does arguing have to involve loud voices, angry faces, and mean words? No. Both may have different ideas about what needs to happen, but a third way of accomplishing the same goal may be superior to either one.
    There are some great skills for allowing both parties to come out as winners after a disagreement. Are you interested?
    Summarize. Let’s say someone asks for 15 minutes a day of your time. Instead of being defensive and explaining why you haven’t been spending that time, watch the miraculous change that occurs when you say that you realize more time together is needed to stay in touch. Say what you hear. “It seems . . . ” “If I hear you right . . . ” Act interested in seeing the world as they  describe it.
    Be genuine. Look at the other’s standpoint. Show an interest by keeping eye contact, avoiding interruption, labeling, sarcasm, or demeaning. Others can detect sincerity or pretense.
    Give examples. Stories, metaphors, and allegories always make a point easier to understand. Using topics interesting to the other will help. If he likes football, tell him every time you have gone a day with him you feel like he feels when he goes a Monday without football.
    Tell the truth. With ordinary words be credible. Being yourself and saying how you feel is powerful. To be open and real and afraid, if you are afraid, is powerful. Truth is power.
    Say what makes sense about their request. Justice is appealing.
    Admit what bothers you about their request. Explain what complicates the issue for you. Ask for what you need regarding the request.
    Respect at all times. Resistance to great ideas develops in the presence of accusations, sarcasm, scorn, ridicule, insults, and cynicism. Defensiveness is an automatic response to feeling manipulated. Arguments also don’t lend themselves well to humor. Danger and hurt lurk behind the half-truth of most humor.
    Agree to a solution that both of you are comfortable with. Set a specific time to try out the agreement. See how it is working for both of you.
    As in the martial arts, the best argument is one conducted with maximum efficiency and minimum effort. Arguing to win creates two losers. Arguing with respectful kindness to discover solutions results in two winners.
    Loving respect keeps arguments from becoming sanity-robbers. It just makes more sense!
Top of Page