MARITAL RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
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Denying needs is needless
 Hanging on to one who leaves isn't love
 No such thing as 'fun' in dysFUNctional
Here's good advice if you want to be happy--and married
 Some people are on quest to find out exactly who they are We can improve our chances at staying married
What women really don't need in their relationships
 Hugs reveal reality of relationships
 Spouse-talk can be challenging, rewarding
Chances of staying married can be improved with these skills
 I get jealous because you like it

Denying needs is needless
    Nice people seem to have the notion that asking for their needs to be met is not ideal. If they have to ask, the meeting of their needs is less valuable.
    Each person has a unique set of needs. Some need a quiet environment while others need activity and social interaction. Some need conversation and others enjoy simply doing things together. Some like to work with others.  Some work best alone. What bothers one is joy for another.
    How are those around us supposed to know exactly what pleases us the most (assuming they get pleasure from pleasing)? The only way is for us to share that information with them.
    Women seem to withhold their needs more than men. They can go through many years of marriage before they realize that their unmet needs have formed a nest of resentment.
    Often they need help in the kitchen, with the laundry, or children. They feel more important when their opinions are considered or their reactions taken seriously. Because women tend to be less direct, messages to their husbands and children can be unclear.
    Needs that go unspoken must be expressed clearly. Here are some of the most frequently unexpressed needs of women:
    “I really appreciate being able to have some time with you to talk about things that are important to either of us–maybe current events, goals for our family, evaluating our marriage, learning about something new, or simply visiting uninterrupted for about 20 minutes about every other day.”
    “I need to know that you are committed to our marriage and will let me know if there is anything I can do to make it any better.”
    “I need some help with fixing supper, or playing with the children while I prepare something for us to eat.”
    “I would really enjoy a night out with you at least every other week just to get reacquainted.”
    “I need you to remember special days in my life, like my birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s day and Mother’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I’d be happy with something that you picked out all by yourself.”
    “It’s important to me that you talk to me with respect.”
    “I really need to know if there is anything that I am doing that is causing you to wish you weren’t married to me.”
    The list could go on. The point is that if we don’t ask, we may not receive. Life is much more peaceful and rewarding when we all get our needs met.

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Here’s good advice if you want to be happy–and married
    More and more people are beginning to believe “happy marriage” is a myth. If it doesn’t work out, “oh, well–I’ll find someone else to love me.”
    The problem is that we carry the same self-concept into each relationship. If it damaged the previous relationship, chances are it will damage future ones. That concept guides our choices and behaviors. Those choices and behaviors don’t change with a new partner.    
    True love isn't about short term feelings. Feelings change. Relying on how you feel today means that you may give up and never make it through tomorrow.
    So, what are some keys to holding it together while making it better? Here are a few keys:
    Demonstrate your partner’s value by making time for each other, listening to what is important to them, showing an interest in what interests them, and trying to see things through their eyes, from their point of view. Every chance you get, try to tell them what you think it must be like to be in their shoes.
    Ask for what you need  rather than stewing when you aren’t getting your needs met and resenting your spouse. Talk about your hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets.
    Be generous with your appreciation and recognition for all that your spouse does for the family–working for income, juggling family schedules, and sacrificing leisure to meet family needs. Acknowledge and affirm the positive  traits of your spouse’s character. What do they do right? Use random acts of kindness to communicate their specialness. Leave notes, cards, original poems, tickets for special evenings out, or sweet messages on the phone.
    Speak gently with a calm, kind tone. Many a violent act began with a threatening tone of voice. Instead of accusation, criticism, and blaming, simply say what upsets you and  ask if it is a good time to talk about it. Solve problems as they occur. Peace is much more enjoyable than conflict unresolved.
    Make regular investments in your marriage memory bank as a couple doing the things you enjoy. Demonstrating that you are committed to enriching the marriage is a great factor in security and contentment.  
    Share the responsibilities and duties that must be done in the business of running a family. When there is an imbalance, you can be sure that resentment is growing.
    Support each other presenting a united front to the children in areas of regulations and consequences. You can count on chaos when you are divided.
    Offer freedom for your spouse to think and believe differently. Somehow, this helps open the mind to new possibilities.
    Try out these keys to making your marriage more fun and rewarding.
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Hanging on to one who leaves isn’t love
    Breaking up can really be difficult. When your world comes crashing down, a sudden change in emotions and actions reveals a totally different individual. Compulsion to keep life the same causes people to do unimaginable actions. They become private investigators, following, driving by, tapping phones, secretly checking cell phones and charges on bills.
    When someone leaves, why do so many human beings want to grasp so tightly? Why is it so hard to give up? What forces us to become different people? Letting go of something that many times we don’t even really want makes one feel “crazy.”    The more we try to get untangled from the web of the relationship, the tighter the sticky tentacles of the web give us the sense that we really have no control of the situation.
The facts tell us that the future is bleak if we stay in the relationship. But, getting them out of our mind seems impossible. The one who has left may have been abusive, unfaithful, distrustful, unproductive, illegal, and selfish. What makes it so hard to let go?
    Enmeshment or an unhealthy connection with another human being dries up the soul of each one involved. The efforts to influence or control the other’s feelings and actions are hazardous to concentration, productivity, and peace.
    Apparently, letting go is a struggle of giving up what WE need in order to meet the needs of the one who wants to leave us. Anxiety over the loss results in giving in and giving up our own beliefs and standards. Dramatic scenes of the struggle are recorded in our memory banks that only produce a higher level of anxiety and regret.
    Seemingly, we become slaves of the person walking away, willing to give up our sense of self to reclaim what we have lost. If that is what we choose,  it becomes impossible to have self-respect. Not respecting ourselves, it becomes impossible to truly love another. The downward spiral kills the love we are so afraid of losing.
    Letting go involves the realization that we have done our best, the leaver has freedom to choose to leave, and their leaving has nothing to do with our lovability and value. This solution may be simple to read. Although it is complicated to be successful, the possibility and necessity remain. Love is not really love if it isn’t willingly given.   

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Some people are on quest to find out exactly who they are
    Frequently, when a marriage is struggling, one spouse may say, “I just need to find out who I am.” What exactly is the process which helps discover who we are?
    Parents are the major shapers of who we think we are. Extended family and peers continue the process that begins at home. We know who we think we are each and every day. What we are really doing when we find out who we are is deciding what is true and what is not true about ourselves.
    Parents who paid attention by spending time listening to, playing with, and talking to us told us that we were pretty important and valuable, and lovable. If that wasn’t what we experienced, there will be a future crisis which forces us to discover the truth. Are we really bad? Not good enough? In the way?
    Being in a marriage forces us to come to terms with who we really are. Marital harmony is dependent both partners knowing the truth about who they are. We tend to live out what we believe to be that truth. If we feel we are not acceptable, we will be shy and withdrawn from social interactions. If we believe that we are a failure, we are more likely to fail.
    So, how can a person find out who they are while they are still in the marriage? It takes some intense self-evaluation. We must honestly identify how we see ourselves. Each quality requires some meditation on all the evidence that contributes to that conclusion. For instance, if we believe we are a failure, what have been our great disappointments?
    What often becomes apparent is that we have been successful at many things. However, the message may have originated from early statements made by a damaged parent that told us we failed to dress right, wear our hair right, get the highest grades in the class, finish projects, succeed in sports or music.
    The tragedy is that if we never take the time to discover the truth, we may go through life believing lies about whom we are. Most often, the truth is that we did our best. We were just children trying to win the approval and acceptance of our parents.
    Finding ourselves is something that happens alone. It isn’t found in activities, substances, or material assets. We know who we are. No one knows us better or can change who we are by telling us what they think. Believing and acting as if we believe the lies make life uncomfortable. Pretending to be someone we aren’t is dissonant and distressful. We only need to look for and believe what is true. Living in harmony with the truth about whom we are is a great source of peace.
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No such thing as 'fun' in dysFUNctional?
     I’m not sure how FUN found itself in the middle of dysFUNctional, but we will look at typical dysfunctional family traits and see how much fun they really are.
    Abuse may release some pent-up anger for the oldest or strongest, but it begins a new cycle of anger that is forced to be held in for another generation. Dealing with these new roots of anger will be a tedious process years from the outbursts, and not very humorous or pleasant.
    Affairs are exciting and packed with intense feelings. However, the web-like strands that entangle complete families in a feud of hurt, discouragement, embarrassment,  cut-off, and revenge, outweighs any amusement that the two involved in the affair could possibly have.
    Alcohol use which leads to drunken brawls, hurtful threats, yelling matches, absence from the family circles, and diverted funds from the family budget, doesn’t even look playful for the one person getting drunk.
    Assumptions which many times lead to stinging accusations can take any fun out of the rest of someone’s life. Getting the facts before we jump to conclusions might result in a lot more enjoyment.
    Berating may give one a sense of having power or being on top of the world, but the ones being put-down are never entertained by this destructive activity. The memory lasts forever.
    Cutting-off emotionally or not talking to family members for months because they displease us, may seem logical, but it doesn’t solve any problems. While it may be necessary to protect yourself, it’s not a first-rate choice if you want to have satisfaction in your life.
    Enmeshment or being overly connected to anyone may appear to be devotion or loyalty, but it always robs someone of freedom. Sometimes, what looks like love, is really entrapment or giving up self for another.
    Jealousy and suspicion are usually intended to control those around us. Think of all the effort that goes into checking another’s cell phone or computer. The resulting fear is no substitute for genuine love which is freely given, not manipulated. Manipulation is like being caught in quicksand for the ones being controlled.
    Lying has many excuses. It is reputed to prevent others from feeling bad, or protecting love. The lost trust eventually crumbles a relationship.
    Rude disrespect appears funny on TV, but in real-life, the pain is remembered and designs the future for the receivers.
    Rules about things that won’t matter ten years from now and aren’t physically dangerous or morally wrong only complicate lives trying to keep up with the limits. The best rules are defined by principles.    
    Why not try having fun by simply being more functional?
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  We can improve our chance at staying married

  Love is wonderful. Some believe that love is all you need to be “complete.” Others think it makes the world go around. When the songs and poems are written about love, the mention of conflict and ugliness in love is rarely described.
    Statistics show married people and their children to be healthier, happier and financially more secure than families split by divorce. Whole families begin to disintegrate with divorce affecting future generations.
    The key to staying in love and therefore staying married, is learning how to communicate and negotiate. Expressing our needs is the most effective way of having a chance of getting them met. Setting boundaries or consequences heightens the likelihood that resentment will not get a foothold in the relationship.
    A young couple marrying today has a 40 percent lifetime risk of divorce. Anyone can change their odds of divorce. What are some of the facts about successful marriage?
If we had marriage classes in high-school and college the following skills could help partners achieve success and happiness in marriage:
    Plan for success by outlining your expectations and discussing them way before saying “I do.” If there is a serious disagreement, move on to the next candidate.
    Give each other space to be with other friends or family members. No person can meet all the needs of another. This freedom keeps a marriage fresh and alive.
    Keep each other as top priority. Show an interest in each others’ opinions, taking them seriously. Talk only positively about your spouse when talking to other people.
    Talk even when bad feelings arise. Find solutions to your differences and disagreements so both of you feel like winners. Communicate until understanding and agreement are mutually attained. Looking through each other’s eyes can add that much-needed support.
    Be affectionate even if it is uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean sex, it means touching, hugging, holding, kissing and caressing.
    Anticipate ups and downs and go with them. Welcome the natural growths of personality that happen with time.
    Fix any problem that invades the marriage as soon as possible. Getting professional help can be a valuable tool for repairing whatever is broken.
    Your marriage may never be perfect, but it can be a lot better. Within marriage lie the greatest challenges of a lifetime. With each challenge the reward is waiting to be claimed. Enjoy your marriage by following these keys to success in your home.   
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What women really don’t need in their relationships
       There are songs, movies and books about what women need, but there aren’t many looking at the underside of the quilt-top. It often looks much different and less appealing from below. But that is where we will explore today. Women don’t need:
    Disrespect. Conflict often leads to emotional and physical pain because of accusations, blaming, assuming, assigning value, defending self, and making excuses. Conflict is challenging and should be addressed, but when it is done with disrespect, more damage will result.
    Words are only one way for disrespect to ruin relationships. When other substances or people become more important, women have a hard time believing they are valued. Women dislike feeling second in importance to TV, computers, video games, newspapers, alcohol, drugs, books, sports, work, telephones, friends, and travel. Infidelity kindles this same spark of disrespect which can ignite and explode a perfectly good relationship.
    Rejection. Disgust and avoidance go to the center of whom we are. Ideally we can know that rejection by others doesn’t mean we have no worth or value. But, when women have devoted their life to a man, rejection nearly convinces them that their loyalty is misguided.
    Solving problems can be challenging and rewarding. When rejection is used in an attempt to make things better, the solution takes much longer to surface.
    Abandonment. Security is one of the top needs of women. Although females have a high capability, the sense of aloneness is a powerful negative force. Avoiding the devastation of being alone causes a variety of bizarre behaviors. This may be the weakest part of a woman’s heart, the great need for companionship and partnership. Knowing that a loyal commitment is theirs, creates calm contentment.
    Unpredictability. Women seem to function better when they can know what to expect. When uncertainty reigns, anxiety prevails. Hypervigilance is required to ward off any danger lurking in the environment. Home becomes a place of fear rather than a peaceful retreat.
    So, if there is a woman in your life, and you really want them to feel comfortably loved, show them genuine respect, acceptance and approval. For that which you can’t approve, just tell them how you feel when they do what irritates you. They will hear you and likely make some adjustments. Reassure them that you intend to remain with them, and respond the same way every time. That is, if you want a happy woman as your wife.
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Spouse-talk can be challenging, rewarding
       Women complain more than men that their spouses never talk to them. Would you like to feel that your spouse has come alive conversationally? Would you like to enjoy the conversations you have?
    Since men and women don’t think alike, they don’t quite speak the same language. So we either have to learn their language or teach them ours. Our other options are to continue trying to get through to each other with sign-language, stonewalling, or drama demonstrations, unless you want to hire a translator.
    Talking together in marriage is not something either of us can be manipulated or bribed into doing. We are much more comfortable when conversations are thoughtful and considerate and we offer each other the freedom to differ in our opinions.
    Silence in marriage is not desirable to most. Emotional intimacy is impossible without kind, thoughtful, talking.
    Some feel their expressed ideas or thoughts are never right. They are rarely approved, accepted, or affirmed. Feeling backed in a corner with no way out, silence becomes the norm.
    As children, if we showed feelings that met with disapproval or harsh words, we began to shut down and withhold the truth about how we felt. Then, in marriage, we are expected to do something we never had permission to do before.
    One quality that nurtures a rewarding conversation is validation (putting into words what the other must be thinking or feeling). Talking from the heart may not come naturally but we can appreciate their willingness and honesty as attempts are made.
    We can't force another to change their  behavior, but we can change our own. Our changes in attitudes and behaviors inevitably influence changes in those around us.
    Some examples of changes that we could choose would be like the following:
    After coming home and finding a brochure for a cruise to Mexico, instead of saying “What in the world are you thinking?” how would it be if we said, “What an interesting idea?! When did you first think of this? What else did you consider?”
    Or, perhaps instead of, “You must be out of your mind!” we could ask “Have you wanted to do this for a long time? Help me understand how you came to be interested in Mexico! What other options did you reject before you settled on this?”
    After hearing an astonishing and ridiculous opinion to us, we could say either “That’s absurd!” Or, we could try not to reinforce the separating wall by observing, “This is really important to you, isn’t it? You must really value that?”
    Notice the questions and comments attempt to understand your spouse better. The key is to begin to understand their reasoning rather than forcing our own opinions on them.
    When they feel free to be themselves, they will feel free to communicate with the  one that gives them that freedom.
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Hugs reveal reality of relationships
    Have you ever felt uncomfortable in a hug?
    Everything has a purpose and reason. Hugs reflect the quality, intensity, and depth of a relationship.
    There is the comfortable, warm hug, the brief, pat-on-the-back hug, the one-handed and two-handed hugs, the bear hugs, and the long, lingering hugs.
    How do you know when a hug is over? A hug with your spouse may communicate tension, aggravation, warmth, frustration, desperation, love, and relief.
    This is valuable information for a marriage.
    Begin to notice the response of your spouse when you hug a little longer, with more purpose or more meaning.
    Who lets go first? Who tries to hang on the longest? Does it feel like you are just going through the motions but are not really connecting? Does it feel empty? Do you feel anything at all?
    To get the most out of a hug, first look at how YOU feel inside when you hug.
    Criticizing your perception of your partner’s hidden meaning in their hug is counterproductive.
    Share your own meaning with your spouse. Are you anxious? Are you afraid your hug (love) will be rejected?
    Do you feel a wall that you have built? Are you trying to protect yourself? Or do you feel safe, loved, and protected?
    The shared meaning of your hug will begin to improve the intimacy of your relationship.
    Even if discomfort is present–at least it will have been put into words and shared with the one person who is trying to understand you the most.
    Discussing your individual meanings and interpretations during a hug may help pinpoint areas of the relationship that can use some improvement or help.
    Perhaps one of you is trying to “hang on too tight.” If so, the other one is probably trying to “get loose” before they feel “trapped.” This could perfectly describe the complete picture of the relationship.
    You can begin to ask questions about yourself and your role in the relationship.
    Do you want to force someone to stay in your hold? Do you want to make your partner do what they are uncomfortable doing?
    Freedom in marriages brings a much higher level of intimacy. There is even more.
There is a added bonus to you doing a little research on your hugs.
    Being in a hug that soothes, results in a calm relaxation. Brain transmitters are released that lower anxiety and stress. No trips to your doctor and pharmacy.
    And hugs are free!

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Chances of staying married can be improved with these skills
    Love is wonderful. Some believe that love is all you need to be “complete.” Others think it makes the world go around. When the songs and poems are written about love, the mention of conflict and ugliness in love is rarely described.
    Statistics show married people and their children to be healthier, happier and financially more secure than families split by divorce. Whole families begin to disintegrate with divorce affecting future generations.
    The key to staying in love and therefore staying married, is learning how to communicate and negotiate. Expressing our needs is the most effective way of having a chance of getting them met. Setting boundaries or consequences heightens the likelihood that resentment will not get a foothold in the relationship.
    A young couple marrying today has a 40 percent lifetime risk of divorce. Anyone can change their odds of divorce. What are some of the facts about successful marriage?
    If we had marriage classes in high-school and college the following skills could help partners achieve success and happiness in marriage:
    Plan for success by outlining your expectations and discussing them way before saying “I do.” If there is a serious disagreement, move on to the next candidate.
    Give each other space to be with other friends or family members. No person can meet all the needs of another. This freedom keeps a marriage fresh and alive.
    Keep each other as top priority. Show an interest in each others’ opinions, taking them seriously. Talk only positively about your spouse when talking to other people.
    Talk even when bad feelings arise. Find solutions to your differences and disagreements so both of you feel like winners. Communicate until understanding and agreement are mutually attained. Looking through each other’s eyes can add that much-needed support.
    Be affectionate even if it is uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean sex, it means touching, hugging, holding, kissing and caressing.   
    Anticipate ups and downs and go with them. Welcome the natural growths of personality that happen with time.
    Fix any problem that invades the marriage as soon as possible. Getting professional help can be a valuable tool for repairing whatever is broken.
    Your marriage may never be perfect, but it can be a lot better. Within marriage lie the greatest challenges of a lifetime. With each challenge the reward is waiting to be claimed. Enjoy your marriage by following these keys to success in your home.
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“I get jealous because you like it!”
    The lyrics of a song I heard said exactly that–“I get jealous because you like it!” I have yet to meet anyone who liked their partner being jealous.
    Jealousy is a potent manipulator. It usually is accompanied by an accusation or attempt to control another person. Jealous feelings and comments tell others that someone may lose IF they continue to cause the jealousy. Who could like that?
    One reality of human behavior is that when they feel pushed, coerced, pulled, or manipulated, they WILL resist. Knowing that truth, jealousy really has no chance working successfully. Nobody enjoys jealousy. The jealous person seems to doubt the level of trust and devotion. The one being told of the jealousy feels disappointed that their loyalty is doubted and not obvious. It feels like getting all dressed up for a person who is blind.
    Jealous comments and actions reveal a lack of security and a fear of losing the affection or support of another person. The problem is, that the receiver of jealousy gets weary of accusations and begins to withdraw affection and support.
    Roots of jealousy don’t usually lie within the relationship where it is demonstrated. Usually, there has been someone who betrayed the trust of that jealous person when they were a child.
    Parents who were unfaithful to their partner, or abandoned their children through neglect, abuse, or simply leaving the child’s other parent usually constitute the history of a jealous individual. Frequently, there is very little or no contact with one or both parents. For some reason, men are jealous more often than women.
    The logical solution for jealousy in relationships is to go to the source of those feelings. Revisiting the hurt from parental abandonment helps discover the truth about who that child has grown up to be. They didn’t cause the breakup. They were precious, lovable, normal kids. They deserved better than they received.
    The process of healing takes place only in therapy or with a true friend that helps discover the real truth and meaning of a childhood filled with injustice. The virtues in jealousy result only when it is unstated and helps resolve and eliminate hurtful behaviors by others.
    No one wins in jealousy. Both parties lose. There is no virtue in jealous thoughts or actions.

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