MARITAL RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
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Creative talking helps build relationships                                    4-16 Breaking up is hard to do                   4-9  Infidelity is absurd             5-18
Intimacy defies isolation                6-11 Married but alone                               7-2 While marriage may be hard, divorce can also be difficult      10-10

Building relationships through creative talking

 None of us enters marriage knowing everything about communication. Nor do we know how to read each other’s minds. But, we can use techniques that help us learn about our partner and have fun at the same time. After many years, maybe it will be possible to predict your wife’s reaction when you fall asleep on the couch.
 Following will be some suggestions a group of experts developed for those of us that can’t seem to think of anything to talk about when we happen to find the time!
 ASSUMING: “I assume that you know . . . ” Each of you takes turns testing each other about something your partner assumes he or she knows.
 MORE/LESS/JUST RIGHT. Each of you makes the following requests: “What I need more of from you is  . . . ,” “what I need less of from you is  . . . ,” and “what I am getting that is just right from you is . . .”
 HOPES & DREAMS. Each of you shares specific descriptions of an important dream-come-true. Perhaps you can dream of that “perfect relationship” and begin to make it come true.
 SPEAKER/LISTENER. Paraphrase what the other says, one sentence at a time. Think about it and put it in your words with the parts that were unsaid and check out your insights into each other
 LOOKING AHEAD. Agree to talk at the earliest sign of discomfort or difficulty rather than waiting until the conflict builds to an explosive level.
 PREDICT the other’s response to this activity: “If I were to  . . . , I would guess that you would . . .”
 PUZZLES. Tell each other “What puzzles me about you is . . .”
 “ON A SCALE of one to 10, rate the level of our . . .” (trust, commitment, loyalty, etc.).  Then, talk about your ratings and the reasons for your respective numbers.
 ROLE REVERSAL. Act like your partner for a few minutes. Look through the other’s eyes at a problem or conflict. After you are through, tell each other how well each of you did. You will have just experienced life through the eyes of your partner!
 SELF-DISCLOSURE. Tell each other important facts about yourself that your partner may have never heard before.
 REVELATION. State: “Right now I am thinking . . . ” or “Right now I am feeling . . .”
 THREE BAGS FULL. Create and exchange thoughts about a.) What is easy to tell you about you, b.)What is uncomfortable to tell you about you, and c.)What I wish I didn’t have to say to you about you.
 I KNEW I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU. Although you may have told each other before, repetition is fun. Recall the moment or event that convinced you of love for each other.  See if you can remember a new detail about that magic moment.
 METAPHORS. Exchange descriptions of what your partner or relationship is like. For example, “Our relationship is like two sailboats tossing on a rough sea and neither of us have hydraulic fluid in our steering mechanism!”
 RECALL early memories from your childhood that brought some of the same emotions that you have in your marriage when something else completely different happens. “I feel . . . when you . . . It is just like when I. . . . What I needed then was . . . What I need now is . . .”
 Enjoy the glue of marriage we have come to call “quality time.”

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Breaking up is hard to do
 As goes the song, “Breaking up is hard to do!” Breaking up is always devastating. The pain of breaking-up comes from our varied interpretations. We may conclude that we are a failure, we are unlovable, we are worthless, or we are at fault. Any way we look at it, we  may feel like complete losers.
 Because of this defeat, our behavior can appear to be out of control. We may harass, annoy, withdraw, yell, spread lies, and triangle with family or the law. These dysfunctional reactions have great potential to do major damage to any children involved.
 At the time of our absurd acting out, children are not the focus. But, they watch in fear and terror as the adults they depended on fall apart. Their sense of security is dashed along with the feeling that they belong anywhere in this world. With all the distraction and drain from the conflict between their parents over the break-up, they have little hope that they are cared for or loved.
 How can we help children survive this societal solution to human conflict? As adults, we are responsible for the safety, security, love and sense that our children belong. Following are a few things the parents can do to reduce the stress for their children in divorce.
 MEET TOGETHER to determine reasonable visitation arrangements for children under 12. Then, present your agreement to the children. They don’t need to be saddled with the responsibility to make a decision that could hurt one of their parents.
 REFRAIN FROM discussing visitation changes with the children. Reserve that for their other parent only. Children don’t deserve to be caught in the middle.
 EXCHANGE CHILDREN when they are clean, well-rested, and well-fed. Take responsibility for the clothes that are soiled while you have the children.
 PLACE NO LIMITATIONS on allowing the children to talk with their other parent. Using caller ID or answering machines to reduce connections between your child and a source of love, security, and belonging is depriving your child of highly needed resources.
 USE A CALM, polite, tone of voice when talking with your ex-spouse. If that seems impossible, set a time when you can talk together as two sane adults.
 DEAL DIRECTLY with each other. Children are placed in an awkward position when they are the go-between for messages or money.
 MAINTAIN the principle of speaking only good about the other parent and their family. If there isn’t anything positive to say, it is better left unsaid.
 AVOID QUIZZING children for what happened when they were with the other parent. A cycle of necessary “cover-up” begins. They attempt to protect you from feeling bad. They need to remain as neutral as possible. You are not their responsibility.
 ARRANGE with their other parent regarding schedules for sleep, meals, homework, limits and consequences. Expecting consistency gives children a great sense of security, even if they don’t like the rules. Knowing you partnered on the rules helps them see you as reasonable adults with logical authority.
 ENCOURAGE your children to talk honestly to each of you rather than asking you to be their go-between. Respect for direct communication is important for all of you.
 POLITE, courteous behaviors help your children feel they come from good genes. Go to the door to pick them up, or have them ready at the appointed time
 We are adults for our kids!

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Infidelity is absurd 
 When a marriage no longer meets our needs, or when we convince ourselves we are dissatisfied with the personality that dazzled us in our younger years, life loses meaning. At this crisis in our marriage, attempting to make things better, an affair begins that will definitely ALWAYS be remembered.
 Instead of improving, life begins to get complicated.  Lies begin.  Pretending adds confusion, while creative explanations must be devised to cover up forbidden trysts.
 Infidelity takes place in around seventy percent of marriages. Most of the reasons for affairs have to do with the passive-aggressive expression of anger by the person having the affair. Believing they are being deprived, the root system for an affair begins. Holding these thoughts in seems to magnify this imagined reality. The only choices they see are to either live a secret life, live in solitude, or live together while feeling alone and sometimes at war.
 The logical option COULD be to make efforts toward being honest about things in the marriage that would need to be different if the marriage survived. Questions that need to be addressed are: “What can I do to make our marriage better? How did I contribute? What needs are unmet?” They can either separate, or change the structure of their marriage.  It belongs to them.
 Affairs are not only destructive to relationships.  They are devastating to the family members, the community. The future must be reconstructed.
 When someone says “I just don’t love my husband or wife anymore. I need to discover WHO I am,” they usually are involved in some form of infidelity, or anticipated infidelity.
 While affairs are not usually planned, they are “designed” to get the attention of the partner. Because of real or imagined wrongs, they subconsciously need  revenge and destruction.
 If the infidelity is discovered, and here is the absurd part, there is usually an effort at justifying the choice to be unfaithful usually including blame for the faithful partner! Perhaps the affair had the intention of infuriating the spouse enough to abandon the marriage. Essentially, after deciding something is wrong with their marriage, they have gone and created a much larger problem.
 When the affair has been revealed, the major crisis begins. This begins a process which can result in the marriage becoming more intense, closer, with more communication than ever before.
 Of course, the affair must be ended. However, most attempts to end them usually serve to strengthen them. Only after termination can the problem, which prompted the affair, be dealt with. Work toward intimacy and equality can begin. Efforts toward repairing the relationship can have no losers, only winners. Both partners must express the standards by which to guide their new relationship.
 After defining the real problem that propelled the affair, solutions can be generated. Both partners must be involved and both must express a willingness to commit to the marriage. Any attempts at control are useless and antagonizing to the process of rebuilding the marriage.
 The fun CAN begin again. Richness CAN pervade the relationship again. As we learn from our past, we give hope for our future. The effort CAN be worth it!

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Intimacy defies isolation

 Humans seem to need intimacy desperately, yet try to get it in self-defeating ways such as getting involved sexually before a solid relationship is in place, seeking stimulation through contacts on the internet, and maintaining a frenetic pace of life. Those who study human nature have concluded that we aren’t really ready for intimacy until after high-school graduation, and that’s just the beginning. Intimacy takes years to develop.
 Efforts toward achieving intimacy result in the ability to loyally commit to the future. Sacrifices, understanding, and negotiations are required to gain this valuable quality.
 A young adult who chooses isolation over intimacy does so because their self is weak. They are afraid of losing what they have. A self-absorption and getting only their needs met prevents the pure emotion we call true love.
 If we withdraw from those around us out of disdain or disgust, we may temporarily postpone expressions of anger. We believe we are making our world safe by denying our real problems and feelings, but the alienation and isolation eventually shrivel our self.
 Gaining intimacy protects us from fear while preventing us from being destructive in the face of conflict. Successfully achieved, two individuals are able to share love, trust, a sense of belonging and security. These qualities are essential for producing emotionally healthy children.
 Intimacy allows us to share who we are with another person we can trust, thereby becoming a  richer, more secure human being. Our ability to resolve the negative emotions of fear, anger, rejection, hurt, and disrespect improves as our level of intimacy increases.
 As older persons lose friends, family, and work, a sense of distress and anguish replaces intimacy. Facing death becomes  overpowering when we have no intimate connections with others. The sense that we belong is vital to life.  Aloneness may, in fact be the deepest sickness of the human spirit.
 What do we do that promotes this magical quality of life? It’s just the little things. I think of park benches, picnics on blankets, initials carved in trees, walks in the woods. Intimacy is discovered in playing games together, listening to music, and laughing at private secrets and life’s absurdities. Sharing explorations of mountain streams, starry skies, the wonders of oceans, words, ideas, and feelings all make life worth living. Joy joins intimacy as we watch children’s delight on discovering their world, as we share the pleasure of a job well-done, or talk around a table as the homemade ice-cream melts. Intimacy intertwines our selves while maintaining our unique personhood. Isolation alienates us as we only watch movies, television shows, without learning from them. A barrier is placed between us and the world when we read the paper, a magazine or book, or spend hours with a video game, to the exclusion of connecting with others.
 When we are able to form loving relationships, we can survive loss, have healthy, tolerable emotions, make adjustments more easily, and avoid the risks that come with depression and anxiety.
 Community programs that have been designed to connect people by helping each other demonstrate improvements in depression, anxiety, annoying physical complaints, and self-esteem.
 Defying isolation is a choice we can make each day as we pick up the phone, send a note, email or visit a friend, do a kind act. Intimacy and its risks are well worth the potential rewards.

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Many are married but alone
 The majority of young people spend much energy planning, plotting, discussing, and executing the ritual of marriage. Yet, several years after this most glorious goal has been met, a sense of aloneness begins to pervade.
 Children, jobs, hobbies, friends, and duties have taken first place with our partner and we feel married but very alone. The reality of a dream turning into a nightmare disturbs us. But, since we pretend so well, no one close to us is aware.
 What factors have crept into that most intimate relationship to destroy the valuable qualities that dominate our youthful preoccupations? What role did we play in our becoming alone? What now? Is there a remedy for reclaiming what was so special that vows of commitment were sworn?
 The destroyers of intimacy are subtle. Our hurts that are borne silently are the major component of this slow-motion bomb. Decisions to replace intimate moments with the busyness of housework, overtime, hunting, shopping, gossiping, eating, phoning, reading, watching TV, being on a computer, and so forth become the adulterators.
 If this describes your marriage, can the delight of early marriage be reclaimed? Most definitely. Unwinding the cords of your homemade bomb will take some intense concentration and effort.
 CONCENTRATE on learning about the needs of your partner, even though it isn’t natural for you. Ask what they need from you to really feel loved, then do it.
 TALK to each other, not as parent and child, but as partners. If you don’t know how to be serious in a conversation about your feelings, do something to learn how.  Perhaps marriage therapy or books about communicating can help if your conversations seem to always end up triggering hidden anger bombs.
 SET ASIDE TIME to spend with each other doing the things that you both enjoy. Make valuable deposits into your marriage bank that can be withdrawn during difficult times.
 ADDRESS YOUR PAST hurts and deficits. We have all interpreted adult deficiencies as meaning that we are stupid, not good enough, unlovable, at fault, or bad. Talk to those who gave you those messages. Check out your interpretations so they don’t keep interfering in your marriage as you continue to interpret your partner’s actions and words as having those same meanings believed as a child.
 SET CLEAR LIMITS on the destroyers of your marriage. Protect the precious time you can have together. Let others know when you prefer to answer their calls or have them drop by. Make clear the message that marriage and family are most important to you by setting limits on your self with your work, church, extra-family activities and extended family.
 INCLUDE OTHERS in a balance that is comfortable to both of you. Our connections with others give us valuable information about ourselves. Friends and extended family are trusted enough to give us the doses of reality about ourselves to help avoid or get through difficult times. They give us and our children a sense of being valued, loved, and secure. The needs in a marriage can’t all be met simply within the partnership.
 Enjoy defusing any bombs that have found their way into your home. The results will be delight, satisfaction, and joy. Most importantly, you won't feel alone.

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Pre-divorce considerations


 So you think you can't stayed married to your spouse and you'd be better off divorced?  The following is from a person who has had several years to contemplate some serious thoughts that weren’t apparent in the emotional chaos of the divorce.
 “We all want to be great parents and a significant part of our children's lives. Looking back over a number of years as a divorcee with children, I would suggest that you consider:
 Are you getting divorced for you or your child(ren).  If it's for you, will your child(ren) be better off with divorced parents?  What is best for your child(ren)?
 You may not feel love in the marriage, but you will still have to communicate and cooperate with your ex regularly just to deal with day to day activities of the kids. You are not going to be free of them.
 Will you avoid school, church or sports activities of your children just because your ex will be there and "what will people think?"
 There is a possibility your ex will remarry and your child(ren) may call someone else Mom or Dad as they do you.  Is it OK if your children are with their step parent more time than with you?
 Do you mind spending some holidays alone while your child(ren) are with your ex?  It will probably happen.
 What if your ex and child(ren) move, either across the country or just the county?  Even if you have custody, you'll have to work out visitation times, will you meet half way?
 If your ex has different morals and beliefs than you, who's going to be with your child(ren) to tell them your values when they are with the other parent?
 If money is a problem, it won't go away just because you're divorced. Instead of having one mortgage, one water bill, one power bill, one cable bill etc. there will be two.  And if you manage your money well and your ex doesn't, your ex will probably claim you don't help enough financially with the kids. If they can't manage finances now, they won't when you're divorced. You won't really have any say in how they spend their money after you're divorced.
 What about cars or college for the children. They may be young now, but you know how fast time goes by. If you can't communicate with your ex, how are you going to make this decision? Who or how is it going to be paid for?
 Are your children going to feel like misfits with their friends from intact families? Will their parents let them spend the night with you and your child since you are single?
 Some people will think there has been infidelity whether there has been or not. If you're the man, most of the time it'll be assumed it was you.
 Are you divorcing because you have lost trust? You'll have to trust your ex with your children on a regular basis.
 After you've been divorced for a while and you meet someone you'd like to date. What are you going to say to your child when they call you and beg you to do something with them when you've got a date planned? Who are you going to disappoint? It will happen. Will your date understand?  Not if they don't have children of their own.  If they do have children you'll have to work around their children's schedule as well as your own children's. I could go on and on but I think you get the point.  No, it's not easy being married and making a marriage work, but, divorce isn't easy either.

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