Website\persrelation

MARITAL RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
2001 Return to Tom and Arlene's
Home Page

Love contemplated 2-13-01	Secrets of staying together 2-20-01	Living dead 3-20-01
Interfering fear 4-17-01	He who speaks little loves little 5-1-01	Deformed when infatuated 5-8-01
Control kills relationships 5-15-01	Freeing our slavery to negative thoughts 5-22-01	Like dogs are we 6-19-01
Seeing things differently 6-26-01	My worst enemy 7-10-01	Lies & secrets 8-14-01
Let's make a deal 8-21-01	Making the right moves 9-5-01	Faulty faulting 9-11-01
Sports and marriage 9-25-01	Football and marriage 10-2-01	Baseball and marriage 10-9-01
	Submission in marriage misunderstood 10-30-01

Love contemplated

Love, Valentine’s Day. Does it really make the world go around? Music and poetry seem to glamorize love. Does true love just happen? Is it all that natural? If it is, why do so many seem to have such a hard time surviving what they call love?
Could it be that it wasn’t love at all? Or is there a virus infecting relationships that eats away at love until it has evaporated? Love has to be nurtured, or it dies. Nurturing takes time, energy, planning, and commitment.
In this fast-paced world, who has time or energy to plan? The key must be the last factor: commitment.
No matter how different wedding ceremonies may be, there are always three solemn declarations promised before serious witnesses: I will be married only to you; I forsake all others; I will be lovingly committed to honor and cherish you for life.
Marriage isn’t a trap. It is a commitment to love, care for and nurture each other. It doesn’t require only 50% from each partner. It requires 100% from both involved!
Commitment is more than a determination to stay together through life, no matter how miserable you or your partner is. It is more than a promise to be faithful sexually. It is more than a promise not to go away. It is a commitment to grow together through the joys, the amusements, the trials and conflicts, the differences and the weariness.
When a couple is committed, they will spend time alone, together. They will read and discuss topics that interest at least one of them. Committed couples plan ahead, set goals for the future that keep them motivated. They encourage each other and seek to understand each other. When a committed partner feels alone or rejected, they honestly and openly reveal that part of their heart to the other. A specific request for their emotional need is made clear. Freedom is given to each other to meet those expressed needs. Limits are placed on actions or behaviors that fail to communicate love. Fun is experienced in just enjoying the uniqueness of each other.
Commitment does require time, energy and planning. So, if there isn’t enough time, and the energy is running low, commitment makes the necessary changes in order to create the time and the energy to plan and dream together. The creation of a much deeper, stronger relationship is well worth it.
All of the qualities we think of when we think of love will follow in the path of commitment. Respect, loving acceptance, responsibility, intimacy, and prompt conflict resolution become natural when the emotional tanks of individuals feel relatively full.
So on the national day of love, why not do something totally loving. Relax with the one you love and begin planning for your tomorrow. Ask each other what it will take for the next day to be a little bit better than today.
Life is made of little choices. We make hundreds of them each day. Commitment to love another person is a choice. This choice is the key to happiness, loyalty, fidelity, motivation, unity and harmony. Why would we choose anything less?
Happy Valentine’s day!

Top of Page Secrets of staying together
On the glorious day of our marriage, very few of us plan the arrangement to be temporary. Our thoughts are filled with dreams of the future which include bright, satisfying times of achievement, fun, enrichment, nurturing, comfort, and support. Yet, for only about half of us does our altar-dream come true. Are there some secrets that those who succeed can share? Following are some of the valuable gems that help them stay together. HONESTY & OPENNESS help abort what can become the seeds of discontent and resentment. As soon as we sense a discomfort from our spouse’s action or attitude, we can address it calmly by saying: “I notice you are a little upset.” Or “I’m hurt by what you just said.”
MUTUAL SUBMISSION to each other eliminates the feeling of one or the other partner feeling nagged or controlled. Human behavior is such that any force only results in resistance and grudges. Both partners have value. When we respect each other’s right to see things differently and work to negotiate an agreement, we can solve problems more easily.
VOICE EXPECTATIONS that you have for your partner. Mind reading isn’t possible. The only way they can know what you would like from them is for you to make a request in a polite tone with a loving expression. Our needs ARE valuable and marriage is the best place to have many of them met.
STUDY TO DEMONSTRATE LOVE to your spouse. Discover what helps them really feel loved. A person who feels loved is much more fun to live with than one who thinks they are unlovable or unwanted. Therefore, listen to what the complain about. Watch what they do for those they love.
MAKE DEPOSITS in your memory banks by planning some time to have fun together. The activity doesn’t have to be expensive, just something that helps you appreciate each other a little more and gives reassurance that you both care about each other.
HUMOR during the rough times can go a long way toward soothing any hard feelings. We can laugh at the predicaments and absurdities life throws at us. Humor helps us enjoy the attempts we use to manipulate each other or to gain control of a situation.
REACH OUT to others in your world. Family, friends, church, school, and community connections help absorb much of the shock that can enter our life. Their value can be immeasurable. Our world becomes more manageable and more liveable as we give as well as receive.
RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS help confirm an attitude of love and caring. It doesn’t have to be much. Perhaps a note affirming one quality you appreciate. Maybe a small token which can remind your partner of how you consider him/her fondly--even if it includes helping your partner with mundane tasks to give him/her a break.
OVERLOOK that which we cannot change and will not make a difference in our relationship anyway. If it’s not morally wrong or physically dangerous, it’s not worth taking the risk of damaging the richness of our marriage.
Enjoy the challenge of keeping your marriage healthy and satisfying. You will find that the work involved will reap very rich rewards.

Top of Page

Living dead

Staying in a marriage when you feel unloved, is like being dead, yet alive. It may seem impossible to survive outside of the marriage. It is then that the human spirit loses purpose. Fear predominates, and anxiety and confusion distract us and make life difficult. We feel imprisoned in a dead-end marriage.
Most marriages are entered through the door of joy and happiness. Initially, our bright dreams are full of hope and promise, only to be shattered by disappointment, hurt, disrespect and a lack of consideration.
What is the root cause of this emotional estrangement? The picture on the other side of the door that causes a slow death is one of arguing, yelling, fighting, nagging, suspicion, jealousy, control, and betrayal. A lack of nurturing, sometimes withdrawal, and the feeling that caring is absent complete the background. Hopes wilt. Beliefs about oneself change from being lovable and able to bring joy, to feeling rejected, unlovable, and degraded. With this new, despicable picture, our responses to each other reflect our pain and bring further damage to the marriage.
How can the spirit become revived? Is it possible to change this picture after it has been desecrated? Yes, but it requires much effort and planning.
Patterns will need to change. Our critical comments will need to be rephrased. Schedules that leave no family time or separate spousal time may need to be revised. Our family may have to plan meal times together in order to share and have the chance to say nice things to each other. How we prioritize or order our time can demonstrate accurately what we really value.
Observation of human behavior demonstrates that we always have time for what is really important to us.
Communication of our true responses to the hurt and rejection must be phrased in an open, honest manner. Attempts at hurting back with words and actions should be eliminated from our repertoire.
Televisions may need to be turned off. Nintendo games limited will give family members time get reacquainted and appreciate each other’s uniqueness.
Freedom of choice is absolutely necessary in order for this new picture to bring life back to the spirit. Giving each other the privilege of seeing things differently and still being OK can be learned.
Feeling dominated and controlled by another causes bitterness, resentment and loss of joy in life. Further, that loss of freedom reduces the ability to reason soundly. Decisions and choices are determined by negative circumstances more than wisdom.
Professional help may be needed to sort through the distorted expectations and beliefs we hold. Our emotions result from our interpretation of the events in our life. Those negative emotions block success in relationships and distort our perception of what is truly happening.
Considering alternative options such as separation or divorce AFTER all the remedies have been attempted may be necessary in order to revive the human spirit which has been so damaged. It is our responsibility to protect this most important quality which makes us WHO we are.
Interactions in our homes determine our future happiness and success as well as that of our children. Feeling badly about who we are, we have less capacity to love, less ability to give to others that hurt. When our primary relationships fail to meet our needs, we become incomplete and empty--the living dead.

Top of Page
Interfering Fear
An epidemic of anxiety pervades our society. The average American child and adult are partially impaired from forces such as the fear of nuclear war, violent crime, AIDS, divorce, global warming, energy shortages. One in ten children and adolescents could be diagnosed with this limiting, treatable disorder.
Anxiety blooms from fear when an individual feels of no value, and that life is meaningless. In fact, we may fear we are unwanted or unloved. Perhaps our greatest anxiety is the fear of dying before we find the meaning in our life. At the core of anxiety are uncertainty and the inability to feel in control. These emotions sap the energy out of life.
Anxiety has a powerful effect on the human body. Chemicals are released that effect the heart, blood pressure, blood sugar, immune system, thinking ability, muscles, and digestion.
The opposite of anxiety is contentment, peace, and the feeling of freedom to be who we really are. The irony is that the source of these positive feelings can only be realized in the same arena as the fear and anxiety--in our relationships. More specifically, the source depends on the relationships of the family and community.
Our capacity to realize the peace and contentment relies on our ability to interpret events in our life with self-confidence, assurance, and independence. The key is that we become the enemy when our early years are filled with inconsistencies and insecurities. Before we are three years old, we have a sense that we are really loved for our own unique personality. We have learned a pattern of reacting to others with a sense of fear or security and love.
It is in the family that we can perceive a threat to our existence. The fear of death may be imagined in the heart of a child when they hear loud voices arguing. Fear looms when they witness adults fighting physically, slamming doors, threatening with weapons, or throwing objects at each other. The threats are very real to a tiny, innocent, child.
Resultant fears and anxieties permeate relationships of the future. Distrust leads to further insecurity. Jealousy creates more distrust. Barriers are placed between the anxious individual and others in their life. The cycle of fear and anxiety escalates if no intervention is sought.
Until people feel both safe and connected to each other, anxiety will likely remain at levels which impair judgment and the sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. Safety and connection can only happen when we feel free to express our opinions knowing others around us may not agree, but will still care about us. Safety and connection happen when those around us are the same every day in every situation. When children are given choice and responsibilities, they feel secure. When respect is expressed in actions, words and tones of voices, when depression of those interfacing with children is treated, anxiety can be quelled. When harmful substances such as alcohol and drugs are eliminated because of the effect on tolerance levels or financial security, children will feel safer. When differences are settled with reasoning and negotiation, families can survive.
Among the greatest gifts we can give children are these gifts that wrap the blanket of security and acceptance around our children and grandchildren. Now this is a gift that keeps on giving for generations to come!

Top of Page He who speaks little loves little

Shakespeare really had a way with words! In a small theater in the DC district, “The Two Gentleman of Verona” gave insight into human relating that was a treat. The play was loaded with phrases that succinctly described interesting truths of life. Sharing some of them with you in the future became one of my goals as I jotted them down in the darkness of the theater.
“He who speaks little loves little” was demonstrated in several love-triangle plots of this play. The more the characters refused to communicate, the more tangled the web of betrayal became.
First, Valentine decided to travel to Milan for a little adventure. His friend Proteus was compelled to stay in Verona because he loved Julia. However, as soon as Valentine wrote a letter inviting him to come to Milan, Proteus spoke not at all to Julia! It seems he loved little since he didn’t consult her regarding his travel plans.
After arriving in Milan and discovering the love Valentine had for a woman who was about to be married to another man she didn’t love, Proteus promptly fell in love with her too. But, he didn’t tell his best friend, Valentine. He didn’t feel comfortable sharing his feelings with his best friend. Doesn’t love motivate the sharing of emotions with those we love?
The plot thickens when Proteus goes behind his friend’s back and tells the lovely Silvia’s father about Valentine’s plan to elope that night with Silvia. Of course, Silvia’s father is angered and enlists all of his forces to intercept the plans of the infatuated couple.
Soon, Valentine is banished from the city, during which time Proteus makes his attempts at winning the hand of the beautiful Silvia. What treachery! What disloyalty!
In the meantime, the betrayed Julia has come to Milan disguised as a boy. Proteus hires her to be his page and sends her to make offers to Silvia trying to steal her devotion away from Valentine.
Of course, Julia is heartbroken, but she speaks little and can’t confront Proteus with her feelings for him. How complicated and twisted life can become when we withhold our reactions from each other!
Needless to say, Proteus was disappointed because his love was never returned by the heartsick Silvia. In the end, Valentine returns and is honest about his feelings for Silvia. Her father recognizes the true feelings the couple has for each other and blesses their union.
Since Proteus lost that one, he seemed joyous to discover that Julia was right there. I believe he settled for less than he wanted, but he probably never told sweet Julia his feelings.
Openly sharing our honest feelings is a gift of intimacy. Without this most important gift, a relationship is based on assumptions and suppositions. Consequently, inaccurate beliefs follow which cause us to become hurt, feel degraded or just disappointed.
Imagine how much closer a couple could feel if they planned regular time to focus on each other. With no distractions, if they could talk about the things they fear, they desire, they dream about, they need — maybe the tangled webs of complications would be sorted and dissolved. If we love much, we must speak much. Our families would begin to feel peaceful, harmonious, predictable, and well-regulated.
Families that share in kindness and honesty possess the ingredients that preserve the sparkle in a child’s eyes and keeps the bounce in their step!

Top of Page

Deformed when infatuated
Remember Valentine from “The two gentlemen of Verona?” He was accused of being “deformed” in his love for Silvia. I believe Proteus’ accusation referred to a deformity in his original personality and character. He thought he loved Silvia, and was consumed with figuring out how he could be with her constantly. He had no interest in holding a job and saving for his future. He had no goals for education or career. All he could think of was winning Silvia from the detested man her father had arranged for her to marry.
Dishonorable, sneaky actions became routine. He planned a cover-up operation with a rope ladder to sneak his love from her second-story bedroom to be married secretly.
Choices like that take a long time to repair with the future grandparents! It’s a risk that obviously show little forethought. Supportive in-laws make life much easier. Conflicts are fewer and emotions calmer because we aren’t wasting energy trying to change them into our ideal.
Valentine was so disoriented by his infatuation that he had no consideration for his friend. In fact, he asked Proteus to leave his lovely Julia just to come to Verona to help him win this struggle for Silvia’s hand. Unfortunately, infatuation has a way of distorting our reasoning ability and decision-making.
However, we call it love. But to onlookers, it probably does look like a deformity. Infatuation overwhelms the being with tunnel vision. Logic and reasoning are shut out. Decisions to marry are made in this operational mode. Logic and reasoning are shut out. The infatuated lovers also have a great hearing impairment. No matter what a well-intentioned friend or family member says, it does not reach the frontal lobe where decisions are processed. In fact, the emotional portion of the brain is in complete control.
If we could have a vaccination to prevent this deformity, what would it be? Is this something we can plan for? Could a plan be initiated once the deformity has disfigured our logic?
Planning ahead using the following guideline seems the only logical possibility.
DETERMINE to date more than a year. This amount of time should give most people a chance to return to reasonable thinking. Many awaken to the reality of major errors in judgment when they have rushed into a lifetime commitment after a whirlwind romance lasting only several months.
PARENTS usually have our best interest in mind. They have acquired high levels of wisdom, hopefully, from their many years of combined life experience. Generally, no one has more of an interest in you than your parents.
PRINCIPLES established before dating can help guide decisions faced during infatuation. If we have a black and white list of guidelines or principles for anticipated dilemmas during our deformed period, we can operate from a sound position.
RESOLVE any issues which have been avoided with the past generation. Usually, this means admitting some hurts and regrets to parents. Resolution usually includes some exchanged forgiveness along with intentions stated for the future which bring heightened understanding between you and those who shaped your being.
Getting through the deformed stage of life doesn’t have to leave emotional scars. Pre-infatuation efforts can pay off for the rest of your life!

Top of Page Control kills relationships

Clutched too tightly, delicate items can be damaged or killed. Loving relationships have no room for control. A controlled person perceives that they are inadequate, have impure motives, or don’t deserve love.
Tightly controlling people damage our God-given being. Controlling actions may seem insignificant. For instance, restricting a spouse from taking guitar lessons may be done in an attitude of concern. Or it could be more obvious such as not allowing a wife to hold a job outside of the home, or limiting a child’s choice in when to do chores or homework.
Many factors contribute to control issues in relationships. First, our thoughts usually precede our actions. Unexpressed, those thoughts cause tension, resentment and the need to control elements around us.
Unexpressed and unrealized fears perpetuate the need to feel in control. They usually arise from experiences that made us feel completely out of control such as repetitive rejection, abuse or neglect.
A controller is really thinking, “I’m afraid of losing you.” “I am uncomfortable when I’m not in control.” “I have learned not to trust anybody.” “I fear being let down.” “I’m afraid you don’t know what is best.” “I’m afraid you are incompetent.” Fear drives the need to control.
Controlling another individual begins with words or a tone of voice that commands or intimidates. If these strategies lose effect, actions are substituted to insure the power remains with the controller.
Devastation occurs whether the control is exerted through words or hurtful actions and abuse. Trust is shattered in only a few seconds. With trust destroyed, the relationship is hindered for life. Not only is that particular relationship harmed, all future relationships bear the scars of lost trust.
A controller becomes ineffective when their victims refuse to succumb to the control. But, that is more difficult to do than to say. The following are strategies that may prove helpful if you feel you are in a controlling relationship:
ALWAYS RESPOND respectfully to any threats. For example, in response to, "If you loved me, you would let me have what I asked for!” you could say, "I love you and I think we would be unwise to go into debt for a luxury item."
RESPECTFUL HONESTY in kindness restricts one’s control over another. When asked to do something dangerous, a truthful response such as, "I've thought about your request that I try some speed, and even though I enjoy making you happy, I've decided that I won’t risk my health and job to do drugs with you."
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES discourage attempts to control. Strategies will be used less in the future if a description is given of what to expect in the event of a repeat episode. To your adult child, you might say: “I will lend you up to $200.00 no more than once every three months. And I expect each loan to be repaid within three months. If it isn’t, I won’t be able to lend any more."
Or, you may say to your newly divorced friend who calls often to rehash her hurt and anger, "I have to go in five minutes." If she goes beyond the five minutes, simply say, “I know you are hurting but my time is up. I have to go.“
Others control us only as much as we allow. Breaking free from control protects our being and is always our choice.

Top of Page Freeing our slavery to negative thoughts

“I’m worthless, I’ll blow it, I’m unlovable! I’m going to fail. I don’t deserve . . .I’m stupid, ugly, can’t do it, It won’t change, It doesn’t matter, I should be perfect.” Negative thoughts become automatic when they are replayed over and over.
If we allow our negative thoughts to determine our attitudes, choices, and actions, without challenging them and discovering their validity, we will definitely be miserable. The brain chemicals that determine our state of being and thinking become toxic to our ability to feel energetic and happy.
Usually our negative thoughts have a main theme or emotion behind them. Fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of not being loved or valued all involve that damaging negative emotion of fear. I wonder if the light bulb would have ever been invented if Edison had given up on his 1100th attempt?
Negative feelings are usually generated by our interactions with other people. If we seek treatment through only antidepressants and antianxiety medications, the interactions will likely continue to cause the brain chemicals to be toxic. The system from which the depressed, unhappy individual comes must undergo change in order to complement the treatment with medications. Every interaction in which one person gives up or gives in produces a quick spurt of depressive brain chemical.
These negative interactions are unresolved conflicts or issues. One way to begin to resolve these without the help of a family therapist is to follow a conflict specialist, Dr. Susan Heitler’s, self-activity.
First, identify the conflict by asking yourself, "If I were going to be mad at someone, or at something, not myself, what image comes up of whom you could be mad at."
Notice all the details. In that scene, what do you see him/her doing? How do you respond? What do you want? What do you feel, and think? Check relative sizes. Who appears bigger, you or the other? Is the difference a little, or a lot? (If there are no size discrepancies, you are not dealing with depression, or have not yet identified the beginning of your negative thoughts).
Alter the sizes, increasing the patient's sense of power. Picture yourself suddenly growing very tall, like Alice in Wonderland, shooting way up tall. From this new height, and perspective, what can you see now that you may not have noticed before when you were small?
Find solutions. Knowing what you notice, from this bigger size, what are some new ways you might handle the problem to be more effective in getting what you want?
This activity can reestablish normal power, eliminate the negative thinking of depression, and reestablish a sense of positive humor and well-being. For well-being to be sustained, however, the pattern of depressing interactions needs to be changed. For this reason, when conflicts occur, both will need to make the changes necessary for cooperative, rather than dominant-submissive, interactions.
When issues are resolved, life begins to feel free and wonderful. Beginning to clean out the clutter of unresolved issues requires courage. If the conflicts loom too largely, it may be time to seek professional help. Your effort will be rewarded with heightened peace, positive feelings, and a much more rewarding future!

Top of Page

Like dogs, are we?

As humans, we pride ourselves on being the highest functioning mammals on earth. However, in the event of conflict, we often react much like dogs. Yet, dogs have no human ability to reason together with language, negotiate sensibly with caring, or problem-solve using a high level of keen understanding. When we behave using lower animal techniques to gain control, we pay a price. In the face of conflict, does your behavior resemble that of dogs? Or a high-level human?
DOGS FIGHT by growling or biting each other over a desired object or territory.
WE FIGHT by insisting our way is the best way, ignoring the preferences of another person. We use techniques such as raising our voices or growling in an irritated, demeaning tone. Angering, blaming, accusing, criticizing, and belittling another, we cunningly hope to minimize their influence and power.
Quiet fighters use passive-aggression, such as agreeing but not following through, sulking, manipulating by guilt, brooding, or fuming. This can become quite an intricate game played by humans.
WHEN DOGS SUBMIT, they allow the other dog to take the bone, while sitting or lying, tail between their legs.
WE SUBMIT by giving in or giving up, lowering our expectations and settling for less than we want in order to stay in a relationship. Some humans agree just to end the miserable conflict and keep the illusion of peace.
After years of submitting, dogs as well as humans become depressed and feel hopeless and helpless. Those who are known as caretakers and “co-dependent” are many times products of a life of submitting, never having their needs considered.
DOGS FREEZE, hovering over a bone without anything but a defensive stance and an evil look in their eyes.
WE FREEZE when we take no action, and use a wait-and-see approach. Humans may be acutely aware of a problem, yet seem immobilized. No information is gathered. No choices developed and prioritized. Instead, anxiety and feelings of panic may eventually determine a very limited array of choices.
DOGS FLEE, moving on to something else rather than risking a fight.
AND WE FLEE and escape by withdrawing and avoiding the underlying issues. When we leave the room or change the topic, talking and problem-solving are no longer possible. Some humans will then escape the resulting negative thoughts by resorting to other distractions. In cases where the threat of being completely controlled is perceived, obsessional thinking and compulsive behaviors develop. Fleeing from the real problem is the beginning of addictions and eating disorders. The problem is believed to be successfully dealt with but, essentially it is only successfully denied.
DOGS CAN’T TALK.
BUT WE CAN PROBLEM-SOLVE! Finding options by talking, listening, gathering information, and generating options can provide solutions that are satisfying for both parties involved. Problems can be solved. Then the barriers that form in relationships will be removed. We have the capacity then to have warm, healthy, rich feelings of well-being. Rather than being in either a dominating or dominated state, we can have a healthy and loving relationship or marriage.
As humans, we get to choose. Will we fight like a dog? Or will we problem-solve like the high-level functioning humans that we are?

Top of Page

Seeing things differently

"Do you want to know the definition of anxiety for women?” a friend’s husband asked. Interested in the humorous side of life, I took the bait. His answer rang with global truth for all mankind. “It’s when nobody sees things the way she does!” Conflict in life revolves around differing views of the world, seeing events through different lenses. The lenses are shaped from our early beginnings, shaped by our families’ interaction with each family member and how differences were dealt with and reacted to. Completely different traditions and patterns were formed.
Many of these superficial events regularly interfere in relationships. The damage always has an underlying issue that runs much deeper.
For instance, if a husband complains of a wife that nags, the deeper issue may be that he needs acceptance or approval. Or, if she spends time with her friends often, what hurts him is his belief that her friends may be more important to her than he. Then, he might complain of a disorganized, cluttered house. The real concern is that he works hard to make the house payments and would feel more appreciated if it were valued the way he learned to value expensive investments.
Partners in marriage often complain repeatedly about the same things. To bring peace and balance to a marriage, there is a simple way to resolve the real issues.
EXPRESS YOUR REAL NEED. You may say: “I just need to know you really love me.” “I would like to have some time for just the two of us.” “I really need to come home to a fairly organized home.” “I need some help with the household chores.”
EXPLORE THE REAL CONCERNS that lie underneath the need. Both involved can talk about what bothers you about the need expressed. Get to the truth about how you interpret each other’s needs differently. This part of the process may sound like: “I feel unloved and insecure when you remind me of the things I know you want me to do.” “I feel disconnected from you when we don’t get to talk and spend some time just with each other.” “I don’t feel very appreciated for my efforts at providing a good income as well as for spending time with our children when I come home to find the house in such disarray.” “I feel taken for granted and as if I am the hired help when I do all of the housework alone.”
Each concern, if heard and explored, can begin to help two people understand each other much better. The understanding fosters a willingness to work together as a team rather than two mules pulling in different directions.
CHOOSE A SOLUTION that is satisfying to both of you. For example, when the wife begins the nagging mode, perhaps the husband agrees to remind his wife that she is “nagging,” so she can choose to retire those techniques of motivating from her repertoire.
The wife that enjoys a night out with her friends may agree to spend 30 minutes every other evening talking to her husband without the television on giving him her attention and interest. Complete satisfaction for both partners is the solution that works the best.
Concerning housework, if each person in the house helped, the average house can be straightened up in less than thirty minutes. Agreement to have the full cooperation of everyone could be made. To celebrate, a week of a neat environment, they might arrange a picnic to celebrate their teamwork.
Remember, just because we see things differently now, doesn’t mean we can’t change the view. Stamp out anxiety! It will be worth it!

Top of Page My worst enemy

When you think of your worst enemy, whom do you think of? As I have become more aware of my silent thoughts, the culprit is “myself!”
When someone doesn’t agree with me, my thoughts may be, “they must think I’m stupid,” or “they must not respect me very much.” Instead of thinking the truth, we often think a thought that has resounded for many years. These defeating thoughts may resemble the words of someone who was very damaged and was unable to love us the way we deserved.
If you burn the toast, or forget an appointment, what is your most likely thought? “What a jerk?” “That was SO dumb!?” “I must be the most disorganized person EVER!?” Sometimes we even expect perfection from ourselves. As humans, we don’t really have the ability to be completely perfect.
Perhaps you have had a poor job evaluation or your production at work is below average. Instead of hearing yourself say “You can’t do anything right,” or “You’re just a giant failure with a capital F,” you could hear that inner voice say “I know I can do better, I’ll figure out some ways to become even more efficient and effective than I have been in the past.”
Our expectations of being the best, having the most, never hearing disagreement, will never be completely met; therefore, we spend much of our energy feeling discouraged and disheartened. Frustration rather than joy dominates our life.
As we substitute the automatic messages with new messages, we can enjoy our days just a little better. Instead of “I am STUPID!” the new revised edition might be: “I am human and will make mistakes. What can I learn from this one?”
Imagine if your belief has been, “They must not care much about me since they never spend time with me.” Now the belief can be, “Since they never are available, it’s their choice. Look what they are missing. Now, that’s their loss.”
Instead of feeling defeated, we can enjoy the challenge of discovering new ways to handle the necessities of life. As we begin to affirm ourselves and validate or acknowledge our humanness, the pressure to be perfect will lighten. The absurdities, the joys, the interesting parts of life will be more amusing and entertaining. We will be more available to concentrate at work, participate in fun with our family, enjoying the quilt-patch moments of each day a little more.
Finally, as life comes to a slow-down, our memory banks will be full of contented, satisfied thoughts rather than disparaging, defeating, resentful, regretful memories.
We will be able to view the quilt of our life from the top rather than from the underside. What will stand out will be the beautiful patchwork combination of moments and memories tied together with the many human connections that have made life well worth living.

Top of Page

Lies and Secrets

Family secrets, lies and false beliefs, or myths within a family, help a family stay in dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Family secrets are those shameful things that 'good families' never acknowledge or talk about. The secrets are protected by unspoken rules that quietly guide the family’s interactions. Family members have broken family rules, but no one ever talks about it. If they do, there is a hidden fear of being punished and shut out of their family.
Secrets can be the obvious, such as drug abuse, alcoholism, a family member's incest, abuse, affair, pregnancy, or the parent's loveless or previous marriage that is never spoken about. Secrets can also be as seemingly innocent as the 'crazy uncle in the institution' that the nephews and nieces never learned about until adulthood.
Secrets can also be hidden in an unspoken rule: Certain emotions, like anger, resentment, hurt, or excitement are to be held inside. These emotions are never expressed nor are they acceptable in the family.
Families are as sick as their secrets. Keeping these family secrets is like having an orange elephant in the living room that no one is ever to talk about. Eventually the elephant grows and takes over the living room, spreading its waste on everyone and making it impossible for anyone to be comfortable in that family. Still, no one ever talks about the elephant. Guests come to the house and have to walk around the elephant and its waste, but somehow quickly learn that they are not to ask about the elephant, perhaps because they too have an elephant or something similar in their living room, and don't want you to know about it.
Family lies are just the opposites of family myths. The purpose of lies is to exaggerate the badness of certain family members. These lies develop to cover problems that have never been resolved. Like the ugly but funny exaggerations that comics use when they contrast good and bad members of the family. Commonly seen in divorced and blended families, much conflict in remarried, blended families revolves around family lies.
Lies and exaggerations are told about the ex-spouse, stepparent and stepchildren. Stepparents will often compare their own or favored 'perfect' child with the 'black sheep' stepchild, and stepchildren will contrast their 'perfect' but lost-to-divorce natural parent with the 'mean and hateful' stepparent.
Family false beliefs or myths operate much like secrets. Myths are what we talk about in our family, but aren't really there. All families have their myths to project and exaggerate a picture of family goodness. Some of the most common ones sound like: “We're very close.” “We never fail.” “We’re fine and upstanding!” “We’re a model family.” “We love our get-togethers.” “Dad is wonderful.”
When talking about our family, we inevitably start with our family myth. But, on close examination, we have selfish, ungodly, greedy, controlling, and petty family members.
The important idea is to recognize how family secrets, lies, and myths, help to maintain a sick balance in a dysfunctional family.
Understanding these dynamics suggests that in order to have a healthy family, we may need to acknowledge our secrets, lies and myths. They keep our family system in denial. In denial, we fail to grow close to each other. Only when the truth is honestly confronted, can we begin to function as comfortable, happy, families.

Top of Page

Let’s make a deal!

Conflict in marriage can be dealt with in several ways. We can ignore it and withdraw, pretending conflict doesn’t exist. We can control it by hostile, accusing, violent words or actions. Or we can discuss it and negotiate a solution that brings contentment to both.
Let’s take a common conflict such as dissatisfaction with the frequency of sexual intimacy. Following, will be numerous approaches for resolving this dilemma. With both partners contributing and including specific requests or suggestions, satisfaction can be achieved.
“On a 1 - 10 scale, this issue is significant in importance to me about a five.” By giving the number that reveals how critical the issue is, your partner can choose how critical the situation is to you.
More/less/right amount. “The frequency I would be comfortable with is about twice a week.” Being specific as to your comfort zone helps your spouse understand discrepancies in attitudes.
“What it means to me is that I feel unloved when you are tired and I am interested in an intimate time with you. And when you never initiate our times, I am afraid that you aren’t interested in our closeness.”
“What do you need to feel more satisfied with the sexual part of our marriage?”
What makes sense about what your partner is saying? By asking yourself this question, you can eliminate the common defensive, accusing, or blaming responses that are sometimes common in marital conflict. Instead, you will be able to affirm and communicate your understanding of what they are saying. They will really feel like they have been heard.
Metaphor exchange. “This part of our marriage reminds me of a dusty, neglected heirloom. It is something that is really valuable, yet goes unnoticed for long periods of time.”
When you . . . I feel . . . “Right now I am really feeling loved since you are willing to have this discussion. When we work on improving our sex life and our marriage, I feel very excited.”
What/How. “WHAT one thing can I do that will help you enjoy this part of our marriage? HOW would you like me to check with you about how I am doing with the changes we have agreed on?”
Remember when we were childless and it was just the two of us? I wonder how we might recapture the playful fun of that time in our marriage again?
By using as many of these different conflict resolution approaches, it is possible to design a solution that can be 100% satisfying to both partners in a marriage!
Why settle for less? Life is made of relationships, and conflict is part of life. Facing the challenge of conflict brings new wisdom, understanding, and the rewarding feeling of nurturing another human being.
Is it possible that conflict resolution is what gives meaning to life? Try it and see!

Top of Page

Making the right moves

The dance of marriage requires skill, planning, coordination, consideration, and respect. Unity and togetherness don’t just happen. Confronting our little daily decisions makes up most of what we call life. The security of young children depends on how their parents work as a team to peaceably solve these frequent mini-dilemnas.
Much of the success in arriving at a mutually satisfying solution to a joint decision is in the presentation of the situation. The starting move is many times the one that sets the course for whether your decision making will be cooperative or antagonistic. Is that part of the dance going to be solo? Or exquisitely and dynamically choreographed for successful, coordinated teamwork?
When we make a statement that concerns only our self, it gives a unilateral or solo move. Our partner feels excluded and is left standing on the sidelines wondering if they have any value or importance to you.
The unilateral approach might sound something like this: “I’m going to go shopping tonight. You’ll have to handle the kids on your own” On the other hand, the partnership approach would go like this: “I’d like to go shopping tonight. Will you be OK with the kids on your own? Is there anything you’d like me to do to help out before I leave?”
The first approach leaves the partner feeling that there are only two options. They either stay home with the kids and keep you happy, or blow up and upset everyone. Both options leave someone in the family discontented and resentful.
The partnership approach offers consideration and appreciation for the big favor being requested. The stay-at-home parent has the options of being honest about whether or not they can handle things as requested, or responding to the opportunity to outline what would make it easier to handle the evening alone with the children.
Now, you try to rewrite this next unilateral approach before reading on. Devise your own more positive way of asking for something you need.
“I want you to start coming home from work earlier and at a predictable time. That’s it on coming in whenever you feel like it!”
Go ahead--write down something on a piece of paper or say it out loud before you read on.
By putting the partnership in top priority, the first move that would elicit a much more positive response than the above approach, would sound like this: “I’d feel better if you could come home at a regular time after work, and preferably earlier. That way I’d have more incentive to make nice meals, and we’d have more pleasant evenings together with the kids. What are your thoughts on that?”
As in dancing, most of our moves in marriage have countermoves. By developing the partnership strategies, your marriage can have greater rewards not only for you, but for all of those connected to you and your family. We all impact the world in the way we interact with each other.
The ones who will benefit the most are the children who can’t understand the solitaire “games” and “dances” of the parents in their life, whether they are married, single, or divorced. Let’s all help the world make sense to the children in our life by making the right moves and relating with integrity and cooperation.

Top of Page

Faulty Faulting

It is conservatively estimated that between two and four million women are battered each year in the United States. There are two thousand deaths each year. Battered women account for 25 percent of depressed women who attempt suicide.
Many times, these women question, "What did I do wrong?" "Is it all my fault?" "What could I do differently."But, what is the truth of these questions?
When things don't go the way we think they should, we usually ask the same question, "Why?" Just as an inquisitive child wanting
answers to all the mysteries of life, when we are faced with
strongly emotional events, our mind begs to have an explanation.
Criminally controlling actions that result in domestic violence can't help but nag our conscious mind. However, we often conclude faulty faulting. Most of the time, victims of violence claim that it is their fault.
While it may be possible to trigger another's anger, hitting,
in order to intimidate or manipulate is never acceptable. As the offended person complies to the demands of the offender, not only is the violence reinforced, but their love for the offender turns to fear, dread, and eventually hatred.
All negative emotions do great damage to the spirit of every human being. We were created to be cared for, loved, and respected. Any time we get something different, our human spirit is damaged. Almost like genetic mutations, we begin to become someone different from whom we really are.
So, who is at fault for these violent attempts for control? Well, that gets complicated. Just like a tree that grows crooked after
a severe storm, we are changed by the behavior patterns of those in our lives as we develop throughout childhood. So, part of the fault may lie in the storms of the past.
However, the choice to abuse another human belongs completely to the offender. They cannot be forced. Remember, the abuser is the one choosing to force and control.
The one abused has done nothing to invite the abuse, except that they may have chosen to spend time with a controller. Or they may have the delusion that they can make a helpful difference in the usually sad or pitiful life of the abuser.
There is usually nothing the abused could have done differently. Learning to more politely ask for needs to be met may prevent a specific violent episode. Many uncomfortably walk on eggshells thinking they can prevent the manipulator from erupting. But it does not change a controller into a non-controller.
The only successful action that may help an abuser re-think their choices to hurt others to gain control is to experience a logical consequence. All violent acts are illegal, most of which are never reported.
Reporting crime gives the offenders the potential to make new healthier choices in the future. Refraining from reporting criminal events allows the abuse to be perpetuated and many times it will be intensifed. If the abuse continues, the least damaging choice for the abused may be to sever the relationship or to separate until therapy has made changes in these destructive patterns.
So, if you have been abused, you haven't necessarily done anything wrong, it's not your fault. Many times, there is nothing you could have done differently. We all really do deserve to be treated with respect.

Top of Page

Sports and Marriage

Sports and marriage go together like . . . Let’s see. This may take several weeks, but let’s begin to examine the parallels, metaphors, and similarities between varied sports and marriage. Like all sports, marriage requires much study of the rules, respect for those boundaries and teamwork seems to give an added edge to the developed skill.
The goal in both endeavors is to do our best. As in all sports, a well-executed hit, basket, drive, or pass is admired even by the opponents. The amount of practice and skill that bring success is a thing of awe.
Marriage is like tennis--he who serves well wins. The concept of mutual submission and desiring to serve and meet the needs of each other in a marriage is tantamount. The score is “love” as long as neither one dominates the other. Both have the same level of hope.
Winners result from respecting the boundaries of the other player in our game. We may have some “faults,” but after they are called, we do have a second chance.
When addressing the tennis ball or challenges of life, we have several choices. We can be underhanded or deal with them honestly and directly. After hitting the ball, it is possible to be caught in the net which might be likened to a web. Webs of confusing and complicated relationships can prevent successful play by stopping the advance of the ball and sending it backwards for a time.
Tennis rackets and the balls they direct both have a considerable degree of flex and give. This flexibility allows the momentum of the ball to be maximized by the player if the ball is struck in the middle of the racket. So, in marriage, when thoughts or opinions are bashed if they are on the left or the right, less is accomplished.
When worn-out, tennis balls don’t bounce well. Just like us--when we are worn out we don’t think or act at our best. At times like that, it may be wise not to try to play at all, or confront the conflict or issue at hand. The nice thing about humans is that we can repair somewhat when we feel worn out by getting rest, regular food intake, and exercise.
A miscalculation can send a ball the wrong direction, similar to the husband or wife that assumes or assigns value to their partner’s actions or behaviors without first checking for accuracy. When the ball is in our court, we can’t ignore it if we plan on staying in the game. As we return it, if we are only thinking about winning or losing, our level of concentration may be impaired. Mistakes are more easily made when we aren’t focusing on simply doing our best.
Dead balls don’t make much of an impact on a game. Neither do we when we’re dead. So, by staying healthy we have the privilege and opportunity to remain in the game of life. There are many challenges to meet, games to play, and fun to be had.
Enjoy the game of life, love, and marriage.

Top of Page Golf and Marriage

This is the second in a series about the parallels, metaphors, and similarities between varied sports and marriage.
Golf is a sport in which, like marriage, you can always do better. It takes a lifetime of daily practice and skill-building to excel. Golf is a sport that when well-played, results in the admiration of others and great rewards. Each effort at playing the game can fluctuate between the greatest feeling and the greatest frustration.
A beautiful golf course requires constant, caring maintenance just like a marriage. Rainy days are needed for both. They help us to more appreciate the rest of the days.
Without rules, neither golf nor marriage could flourish. Rules may be a challenge, but they add great security. When another cheats, the integrity of the game and marriage is compromised. Sometimes players think they are getting away with cheating and that no one notices--but secrets always do damage.
The goal in golf is to get a tiny ball in a small opening a long distance away by hitting it the fewest possible number of times. Obstacles such as trees or lakes add challenge to the game of golf, just like financial responsibility and child-rearing bring to marriage. Both, when dealt with confidently and with training and preparation, have much more positive outcomes.
Striking the ball squarely, using the whole body rather than just the upper body adds much distance to the well-hit golf-ball. A great marriage also requires a total-being involvement for best success. When the focus of our life seems to be our career, hobbies, or even church, our family and marriage begin to become disappointing.
Experts say that you do better in golf when you relax and quit thinking about all the ingredients necessary for success, such as “keeping your eye on the ball, not swaying, keeping knees flexed, elbows straight, pivoting hips.” Is it the same in marriage? Do we try too hard, when all we need to do is enjoy each other and quit focusing on the problems? Simplifying our life rather than trying so hard might eliminate some of those problems. “We must put our kids in a sport,” “We should be in church every time it opens,” “We have to have an expensive car or truck,” may place unnecessary stress on our family as a whole.
When we “fade” “hook” or “slice” in the game of golf, we may end up with complications and difficulties. In marriage, if we fade in our efforts and enthusiasm, the complications can end in great disappointment. If we slyly try to hook or slice another family member, the connections begin to weaken and family support evaporates.
In golf, knowing you played your best is satisfying whether your score is high or low. You aren’t fiercely competing, just trying to do better each time you play. In marriage, as in golf, if we notice that we aren’t doing our best, we may need some outside help where we can take some lessons from an expert. They almost always pay off in the long run.
Enjoy the game of life, love, and marriage, we are all professionals!

Top of Page
FAMILY MATTERS Marriage, football can be the same

This is the third in a series about the parallels, metaphors, and similarities between varied sports and marriage.
To be honest, football is a sport which has brought me some disturbance. When I think of the hours spent watching this sports that are not given to family activities, I feel sadness. It is a struggle to find the similarities between a good football game and marriage.
Football is a sport in which, like marriage, you are likely to get hurt. Some of the injuries incurred during this game can cause a lifetime of discomfort and pain. A marriage that involves abuse and violence robs the victim of trust in all others. Much rehab is required to return to what appears a state of wholeness.
From what I see, opponents in this game seem to be trying to prevent each other’s progress. Sometimes it almost seems they have homicidal thoughts! A well-played game of football usually means that someone walks away as a loser while the other wins. That means that half of the participants end up saddened. Wouldn’t it be neat if they could all go home 100% satisfied like you can do when you are in a marriage that experiences some conflict?
Because the players expect to be attacked, they wear all kinds of protection for their head, face, teeth, necks, and other physical structures. Marriage partners expecting attacks also build protection which reduces freedom and openness.
Now, the teamwork efforts of a football team can really be admirable. Working together while following the guidance of an experienced coach helps them operate like a well-oiled machine. Being married benefits from the guidance of parents, surrogate parents, and counselors, who understand the rules and have proven successful in their execution of marriage.
As a teammate tries to gain an edge and go offsides, the play has to start all over again. Penalties result when illegal and unfair actions take place. Marital unfairness and disregard of the “rules” always result in a penalty or destruction of the “team” effort. Whether the consequences are reaped directly by the offender or not, the team suffers. The quality of the future play has lost some of the spirit and satisfaction.
Sometimes when a touchdown is made, the one who succeeded in crossing the desired goal occasionally tries to make the other team members feel bad by prancing and celebrating, bringing glory to themselves. To me, it seems that by winning, they really lose respect. Admiration of a well-executed play is not dependent on a person’s bragging and bringing attention to self. Skill is admirable regardless.
After several years of professional football, joints become deteriorated, dysfunctional, and painful. Unlike football, after successful marital experience, the skill is improved, the pain is minimized. Practice at teamwork and consideration for the family members only builds function and smoothness of operation.
Love and marriage just doesn’t seem to resemble a good football game at all, does it? No wonder I dislike the game!

Top of Page

Baseball and Marriage

This is the fourth in a series about the parallels, metaphors, and similarities between varied sports and marriage.
Baseball, hotdogs, apple pie and Chevrolet. All-American items. With two grandsons named after two baseball greats, lets spend some time reflecting on some baseball principles that can make marriage successful.
Home runs, foul balls, walking, strikeouts, running for home, and great catches all encompass the great sport of baseball. How are they metaphors for a successful marriage?
The goal of baseball is to get home safely after running carefully and as efficiently as possible without having any opponent put you out because you made an error.
We can’t all make a home run, but we can dream of them, can’t we? In marriage, would a home run be likened to a truly honest, happy connection that IS a “sweet spot?” It would probably be accomplished by a sense of wanting to please each other so much that we are willing to ask ourselves, “what makes sense about what they are asking for?” Having the willingness to listen to each other and the desire to submit as long as we are not bothered or hurt by our partner seems to make home runs in marriage much more possible.
Foul balls never give the player a chance to get to first base. And, it is possible that the player is made out by a fly ball. So, in marriage, foul play never ends in the goal of a scored run for the family.
Poor pitching can bring a walk. As the hitter, no skill is made evident. When you know you are good, and you don’t get a chance to demonstrate it, the level of satisfaction is just not as great. Poor pitching may come from someone who is tired or very nervous and pressured. Maybe it is best to avoid pitching out comments that may be controversial when we are tired or highly anxious. However, at least the batter has a chance to get on base and score a run when the pitches are all balls instead of strikes. So, getting balls are better than foul plays.
When a player is running for home, all of their energy and focus is on that goal! In relationships, if there are things that are distracting us from our goal of a happy, functional marriage, we may need to adjust the time-consuming distractions such as financial distress, relationship stress, job dissatisfaction, and spiritual sadness. Only then will we be able to focus on our family’s home plate.
When out in the field, running to catch that ball for the team requires every fiber of focus and concentration to protect their team from losing.
Much of the time of the players is spent sitting on the bench. We need time to relax and plan our strategy for our marriage and family. From that bench we cheer for and encourage the member that is “up to bat” confronting their problems or “issues.” How well would they perform if all they heard was criticism, nagging, begging, or even silence?
In any sport, practice is what brings a great degree of success. We practice because we know we can be even better. We are constantly learning from the mistakes or failures we are experiencing. So, embrace failure. It is our greatest source of wisdom!
Love and marriage does resemble a good baseball game in some ways. However, in marriage, when you run in circles, you usually aren’t credited with a prestigious home run.

Top of Page

Submission in marriage misunderstood

In marriage, is it possible to love and submit at the same time? I believe submission is a misunderstood and misapplied term and concept. Many women are making choices in the name of submission, believing they are doing what is best for them and their marriage.
However, some of the fallout from submission is very negative. Resentment, feeling inferior and degraded are very negative emotions that damage our being. Yet, submission goes on for years bringing destruction to the relationship designed to fill our hearts with joy, delight, and wonder.
Is it possible for submission to bring satisfaction and unification in a relationship?
We submit to our employer’s need for us to be on time at work and are satisfied that we have done our best at work. We drive the speed limit and feel secure and safe. We eat healthy food and have a degree of confidence that our health will benefit. We play games with our children and enjoy the closeness it brings.
When we submit in marriage, the needs of the partner are top priority. At the same time, our own needs beg to be expressed. If we don’t care for our own needs, they are not likely to be discovered and met.
As an example for illustration, let’s consider that Drew would like his wife, Angie, to let him read the paper after supper every night while she cleans the kitchen. True submission would reply with honesty and truth. “Drew, I am glad to clean the kitchen three nights a week. Since I work full-time, I would like to ask you to help me four nights so I can spend some time reading with you in the evening. I value having time with you and want to avoid feeling resentment which is what I would begin to have if you never helped and we never had any time to relax together.”
Angie outlined exactly what her needs were in relation to Drew’s. Had she kept those needs to herself and harbored the resentment over time, the negative emotion would eat, like worms in an apple, to the core of her being. The relationship would suffer. Drew would begin to wonder why Angie was withdrawn and indifferent to him in other areas of life.
As we consider and strive to meet our needs and the needs of our marriage partner, a mutual submission will automatically evolve. When a human being feels considered and valued, they will usually do all in their power to meet the needs of the one responsible for considering and valuing them. It seems to be a natural law which governs human behavior.
This natural law even works with children. They, like marriage partners, become much more cooperative and willing to please when their needs are validated and seriously considered.
When a person is submitting because they fear the consequences, it is not submission. We are being controlled, manipulated or forced. The best antidote for those negative destroyers of relationships is honesty in openness and kindness.
“I can understand that you would feel resentment if I never helped around the house or spent any time with you. I don’t enjoy cleaning the kitchen, but if it means I will have a happier, more contented wife, I’ll be glad to help you. Pleasing you is my highest priority!”
What a great potential for a home that exudes loving compassion and teamwork! The reward is seen when you are able to witness the next generation duplicating the attitudes and actions they witnessed when they were children in your home. It will be worth it all!

Top of Page