MARITAL RELATIONSHIP
ARTICLES
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Can you MAKE me love you?
"You made me love you. I didn't want to do
it. I didn't want to do it." Remember this old song about love?
Can love be forced?
Our deepest love relationships spring out
of gratitude and feeling accepted and appreciated. Think back to
the last time you really felt loved. What was it that took place
in the interaction between you and the other person?
My guess is that one of the following five
characteristics was involved in the interchange that helped you feel a
little bit more loved.
Appreciation. Another has acknowledged
something wonderful about you. They have received added joy in life
because of you. Perhaps you did something for them, or maybe your
character gives them hope or love. Affirmation or appreciation is
something that usually motivates us to repeat the act they so appreciated.
Affection. Being touched in a gentle,
caring, manner speaks to our soul. Holding hands or having a pat
on our back tells we are wanted, accepted, or approved. Touch
has the capability of hurting and comforting. Affection is a powerful
method of communicating our most vital need: that of loving and being loved.
Acceptance. When someone wants to spend
time with us, talking, listening, and regarding us as admirable, enjoyable,
and quite wonderful gives us a peace to know we are normal and desirable.
Gifts. A reminder someone thought of
us, and wants to express their love in a tangible way, gives us a sense
of value. Gifts linger long when tied to an emotional gratitude for
the acceptance, approval and affection someone has toward us.
Service. Getting help with everyday
chores, having something fixed just for us can give the message that others
care. They are doing something that makes our life a little easier
and more fun. Washing dishes folding clothes, cleaning, and mowing together
gives a sense of teamwork and partnership.
Force, shame, guilt or hurt was not likely
involved the last time you really felt loved. Others can make it
difficult to show our real feelings when those techniques are used.
If we are not showing love by using the techniques above, we must not care
if others' response is genuine love or pretending to love us out of fear.
If our predominant behaviors do not fall under appreciation, affection,
acceptance, gifts or touch, the people around us feel more like controlled
prisoners.
Love is an honest reaction, not a pretended,
forced, act. We cannot makeanother person love us. However, by treating
them with consideration and respect, they will feel loved. We respond to
love with our own natural, loving, action or word.
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Learning
to live together
Just like martial
arts, marital arts take years to refine. In fact, sometimes I believe
that is a big purpose to life--learning how to live with other human beings.
Are there some moves
that can help us be more successful with the marital arts?
Are there some underlying
principles that could guide us as we strive for improvement? Let
us see.
Freedom comes to mind.
The attitude that others have the right to see things differently and to
have an opinion unlike our own is basic to success in marriage.
When we give the opinion
that our way is the best way, the other party usually feels put down.
The message is, "You are not as good as I am."
I may want my husband
to enjoy this computer that produces these columns. Yet I cannot
force him to want to use modern technology and still expect him to love
me as richly.
We all need to feel
that we have that basic right called freedom.
Consideration
for the little things in life is important. Life becomes a little
easier for those around us.
This might mean we rinse
our dishes and put them in the dishwasher. We would hang up our clothes,
put away our shoes and use the hamper for our dirty clothes.
Perhaps we make something
special for dinner our spouse enjoys. When we can tell they've been
stressed, we might bring home a small thoughtful gift to say we care.
Encouraging our spouse
when they have suffered loss or disappointment really means a lot.
Letting them know we believe in them and appreciate the hard work that
helps pay the bills can make life a little better.
Regard is vital when
our paths cross to let them know we are interested in them. Talking
at meal times, muting the TV when they speak to us, or putting down the
book we are reading gives the message that we are glad they live with us.
Communicating with honesty
when we are annoyed or disappointed with openness. Hurtful
words will be much less likely. As we share our feelings kindly,
our hearts are bound together.
Integrity is tied to
commitment and contributes the glue that cements the bonds of marriage.
Knowing we can trust each other is at the heart of a marriage.
When we get the same
results all the time, we begin to feel secure and safe in our marriage.
Marriage is the work
of a lifetime. If any of these arts are missing from your marriage,
begin investigating or finding some counsel that can help you develop these
essential arts. It can always get better.
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Learn
how to divorce-proof your marriage
Having explanations for problems
doesn't necessarily solve them! Instead of looking at the past and
the problems we have had in our marriage, what might happen if we look
ahead. If we could imagine what life would be like WITHOUT the problems,
what would you have to do to get there?
We need to get very
creative. If we are irritated by the raised voices in our house,
what might we need to do as a family to eliminate this habit? Only
by asking ourselves this question can we begin to discover the changes
that can make a difference. As long as we continue doing what we
have been doing, we will keep getting the same results-- no change.
Work toward doing what works, rather than what has proven not to work.
The predictability of
human nature is such that if one person makes a significant change in the
way they relate in the family, the others will HAVE to make changes.
Habits that we all develop
over time CAN be changed. Sometimes one habit evolves in response
to another's habit. A divorce doesn't change the debates. It
just makes them more complicated and vicious.
So, ask yourselves:
"What changes in our marriage would make it more satisfying?" Drop
all the barriers of believing your partner is unable to do what you need
in your marriage. Sit down together and make a list.
Let's say that your
list looks like this:
* We could talk with respectful
voices and words.
* We would have 10 minutes
daily time together, plus a 1 hour date a week.
* We would work together on
household chores.
* We would take time to play
with the children twice a week.
* We would eat one meal a
day together.
* We would watch TV three
hours a day.
Now, begin your list
of what you can do to make the list happen. You may have to make
a few sacrifices. You may have to budget time. Maybe a budget
would help you cut back from working that second job.
No marriage fairy is
going to come and transform your marriage into something that is fun and
exciting. That is your responsibility. A good marriage requires
work--work that can be fun. The rewards are long-lasting and usually
can't be reversed!
An investment in improving
and divorce-proofing your marriage will pay off for generations to come.
So, what do you say? Sit down, come up with the solutions that can
make positive changes in your marriage. Next week, if you have any
problems with this assignment, we'll talk about some of the barriers you
may be encountering.
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Improving marriage
Did you make your list of solutions that might
be able to improve your marriage? One thing that prevents us from
trying what might help is a false, defeated belief. Are you saying,
"We won't ever change?" Or "My spouse could never change." Ask yourselves,
"Is there something that I believe is true that may not be accurate?"
Negative beliefs that prevent us from trying might sound like the following:
"Too much water has gone under the bridge. We'll never be able to
make a difference. It's too late!" Or, "My husband will never
be able to talk to me." Perhaps you believe, "We've grown too far
apart." "My wife will always nag." Or commonly, "I don't really
love him/her any more."
Our actions and responses to each other are
based on what we believe. There is a BIG possibility that we have
held onto some misconceptions. If we expect our spouse to behave
in a certain way, we let them know, not by what we say, but by how we act.
We create self-fulfilling prophecies.
The assignment for this week is to discover
what you believe about your marriage and each other. Write those
beliefs in a notebook.
Now that you can see what is guiding the way
you treat each other. Ask each other if the beliefs are true.
Knowing the truth can open a new window and bring in some refreshing life
and hope to your marriage.
What are the unwritten rules that determine
how you both operate? Things like, "We can't talk before breakfast?"
"We don't have to call home if we are going to be late?" "We must
go to church each week or we are worth less to the world?" "The wife
is responsible for buying groceries and cooking?" "The husband deserves
to be able to come home from work and relax all evening?"
"If the kids are acting up, it's the mother's
fault?" "We have to visit the folks every weekend?"
Your spouse is basically the same person you
fell in love with. You are just looking at each other through the
filter of new and different beliefs. You now know they aren't quite
perfect. Distance between you doesn't just happen. Each of
you has made decisions that allowed the spark to go out of the marriage.
Both of you have the ability to put the spark back.
This week, look at your beliefs. Examine
the rules that govern the way your marriage is operated. Ask each
other what the truth is. Agree with each other what truths you can
both begin to believe, instead of illusions from the past.
Begin to re-write the rules to what you want, rather than what has evolved.
Change isn't easy. The investment
time and energy in your marriage grows commitment. Love flows more
freely from what we give than what we get from others. Work this
week on a plan for your future. Your children will thank you — no
matter how old they are!
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Divorce-proofing
marriage
Misery! Why does it linger? Why doesn't
it get better? The secret is that all human behavior is maintained
by other's reactions and reinforcements.
When irritating behaviors are reinforced,
they persist. Also, these same irritating behaviors and conflicts
will continue to surface in the wake of a divorce. They serve a purpose.
They keep the dueling duo "super-glued" to each other. There is something
gained by continuing to engage the other ex-partner in the chaos.
Today we are going to examine the irritating
behaviors that keep annoying us.
What are we doing that allows those behaviors
to persist?
A common occurrence is that a husband may
neglect his wife when he comes home from work. The wife, in response,
begins to withdraw and hold in her feelings of rejection and hurt.
Detecting this withdrawal, the husband may tease the wife about being so
quiet. The wife will likely raise her voice and make a cutting remark
in an attempt to degrade this neglectful spouse.
Where in this sequence of actions can there
be an interruption of the progression of hurting each other?
Could the wife have said, "It's lonesome in
the kitchen? Can you sit in here and talk to me while I fix supper?"
By saying what she was feeling, he wouldn't have had to guess what was
bothering her.
What if the husband, after detecting the withdrawal
had said something like, "I notice you seem distant. I'm missing
you. Is there something we need to talk about?"
Are there some patterns that seem to repeat
themselves in your marriage? Map the sequence of events. Look
at the map.
Talk about what you could do differently to
avoid the predictable ending of hurt and damage to the relationship.
By identifying the destructive patterns we
have fallen into, we can untangle the web by devising new ways to avoid
the old irritations.
When a couple works on problems that
confront them, they become connected by choice, rather than cemented by
open wounds and hurts.
Life is like a picnic. Before any picnic
always comes preparation, planning, effort, and skill. After the
work comes the reward. Knowing you, as a team, have overcome a faulty
pattern of interacting, your life will become a little more like a relaxing,
fun, and satisfying picnic.
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Divorce-proof your marriage
Communication in marriage gets blamed much
of the time for the breakup of a family. The problem is voiced by:
"He never talks to me." "She nags all the time!" "We both hide
our real feelings."
Silence even communicates. We interpret
silence to mean that we don't have value, or we are resented, detested,
or unwanted.
Intimacy in a marriage implies connection.
Connection requires effective communication. We like to hear validation
for what we think and feel. We need to be challenged to see the world
from another's viewpoint. Talking, whether for exchange of humor
or soulful growth, requires skill and understanding.
Since men and women are so different in their
communication patterns, we have to learn the differences and work with
them. Men usually feel the need to solve any problem they hear about.
Their response to a challenge is more like: "If I were you, I'd . . ."
rather than "That is quite a challenge! I imagine that is really
difficult."
When women don't feel listened to, they tend
to attack men by degrading them for not listening, not caring and being
so insensitive. In response, men often defend themselves, and then
feel confused that their efforts to help solve the problem are inadequate
and unappreciated.
Over time, if this type of exchange is repeated
many times, both partners may begin to withdraw in an attempt to prevent
the hurt feelings that seem to come when they talk.
Women are famous for making requests in ways
that seem to imply complaint or criticism. This is well known as
"nagging" in order to get some of their needs met. Instead of saying,
"I've felt lonely lately. Let's go to the play at the college Saturday
night," the female gender is a little more likely to say: "You don't ever
spend any time with me. Your computer is more important to you.
You don't even notice I'm around!" Again, the higher levels of testosterone
in men bring about a counterattack which leaves the nagging wife feeling
even more hurt and rejected.
There are many skills in the art of communicating.
Our patterns have been in place a long time. Effort and study coupled
with determination and partnership can produce a new way of communicating.
Intimacy is much more possible.
Basically, if we determine to speak with respect,
express our honest feelings (not evaluating the other's actions), and make
requests for the specific needs we have, we can overcome many of the barriers
that come simply because husbands and wives are different!
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Marriage
murderers
The best chance for having
a healthy family is to have a healthy marriage. Children depend on
their parents to provide a family that provides love, security, and the
feeling that they really belong and are wanted. There are several
factors in our society that greatly reduce the chances of our children
receiving these priceless gifts.
Alcohol or addictions
bring confusion, resentment, guilt, rejection and fear into the lives of
marriage partners and children. The inconsistent hurtful response
of the addicted parent contributes to embarrassment and shame.
The family members begin to withdraw from interacting at school,
church, and their community. The isolation starves the members from
needed support and social interaction.
Children in homes with
addictions are likely to grow up and repeat the behaviors learned in their
family. They will attempt to rescue troubled friends. They
will likely copy the parent that made excuses or lied to protect
the addicted parent. Numerous failed relationships or repeating patterns
of addiction follow them into adulthood.
Televisions and computers
send silent messages that news, special programs, information or games,
are more important to us than our spouse or children. If we can schedule
times for conversations or quiet, those we live for will begin FEEL more
important to us.
Many families now have
a television in each room which further isolates family members.
No longer do we learn to negotiate and agree with each other on what programs
are worth watching as a family. We just each go our separate ways.
Bedrooms are a privilege to be confined to rather than a disciplinary "time-out"
option for children.
Thriving in a marriage
requires a thoughtful investment of time and attention. Working,
playing, talking together brings a guaranteed high return in the future.
Is anything invading
and deteriorating your marriage? It is your responsibility
to search out ways to control, eliminate or restructure your life to prevent
the destruction of this most-valued relationship. Children count
on their parents to preserve their security and source of consistent love.
We may have to consider
Alcoholics Anonymous or treatment for our addiction. Sacrificing our needs
for the good of our marriage may be needed. Examining, negotiating
and developing plans to eliminate the marriage murderers will nurture
everyone in your family.
Take some time to discover
ways you can discard the factors that are draining your marriage.
Your family will gain life-giving love, security, and a sense that you
all belong to each other. You'll be glad when you execute the culprits!
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Behavior molded by signals
Why do we hurt each other? We do it over and over!
All behavior is maintained by something that is reinforcing it. When
something is reinforced, it stays, just like a strong wall.
The question to ask this week is: What happens
before and what happens after the pattern in our marriage that we would
like to eliminate?
Whatever it is may serve the purpose of making
the pattern stronger.
We will use irritating arguments as an example.
Is either of you tired just before an argument? If so, maybe
you could agree to schedule your disagreements for times that you are both
refreshed.
Does one of you try to defend yourself during
an argument? What if you agree to admit that you are feeling attacked
or criticized and ask if there's another way to say what our partner just
said?
Why not learn the following sentence to avoid
that dispute: "I understand that is how you see it, but I see it differently."
Could it be that one of you feels blamed for
something and you are misunderstood? Instead of trying to offer a
defense, aborting the argument might be done by a simple statement that
you would like to help them understand the way you see it.
A second question that may provide a clue
as to how the event may be maintained is: What happens after the undesired
event? Does somebody cry? Do they withdraw? Do they throw
something?
Maybe they give up. Perhaps there is
some passion in the aftermath. Whatever happens afterward may be
part of the reason the negative event has been reinforced.
Sometimes we feel powerful when we are able
to control another human being and get them to accept our invitation to
get angry or do what we want.
Only brutal honesty will uncover the reinforcers
for the barriers that may be preventing your marriage from being ideal.
But, both of us are contributing to the faulty pattern.
It will take hard work and cooperation from
both of us to change the damaging patterns that kill intimacy to patterns
of security and warmth.
Together you can search for the answers by
asking the right questions. We don't always have to look into our
past in order to solve all of our current problems.
As we focus on the future and what we want
our marriage to be, we can find the strengths and resources to transform
our marriage. Your dreams and hopes can be realized in your marriage.
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Spark can come back
"But, we don't love each other anymore!" If
you hold the belief that your marriage must be over because you don't feel
the spark anymore, the belief may be most of the problem.
Think back. What was going on when you
begin to have those funny feelings in your body? What was different
when you couldn't spend enough time together? The past holds all
the clues for rekindling the magic.
Looking back, we probably invested much time
and energy in each other. We were always thinking of each other,
doing nice things and talking sweetly, looking into each other's eyes dreamily.
Love is more about what we give than what we get. As our love is
accepted and appreciated, we are invigorated!
Sit down together and ask yourselves: What
were we doing when we were so much in love? Develop a strategy to
start doing some of those things again. Plan dates. Sit in
the car and talk in your driveway and ask your kids to blink the floodlight.
Hold hands walking in the mall. Write love-letters or poems and read
them to each other. Simply doing some of the things you used to do
can really help make some new memories.
Now, ask yourselves: What would we like to
change? What do we want rather than what is going wrong? How
will we know when things are better? Write out your answers to these
questions and discuss them. You will have the key for your journey
to a satisfying relationship.
Translate your answers into very specific
goals. Let's say you both recognize the need for more respect.
Explain what it would take for you each to feel more respect. "Recognize
my efforts at work?" "Notice when I fix something special for supper."
"Speak without cussing." "Invite me to go fishing with you once a
month." "Get the children ready for bed three nights a week."
Your goals may revolve around the need for
more acts that reassure you that you are loved. What specifically
needs to be said or done? Make it very clear.
Dream together what it will be like when the
two of you have reached your goals. Talk about what will be the FIRST
sign? The SECOND? Etc. As you envision the changes, they are
more likely to become reality. If something doesn't seem to be working,
find something different to do. Don't repeat what is not working.
The patterns of interacting create the problems
in marriage, not the people within the marriage. But, the people
in the marriage can solve the faulty patterns by coming up with workable
solutions. Enjoy your new, rich marriage. Your children will
benefit from it for the rest of their lives!
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Isn't easy
for two to be as one
Two people. Becoming
one?
We hear the phrase at
every wedding. But, how does this happen? What does it actually
mean? In marriage, does one have to conform to what the other thinks
is right to become one? Will we see everything the same? Will
we agree on everything? Who of us wouldn't love to have others agree
with the way we see the world?
In chemistry, two separate
substances, such as sodium and chloride, combine to form a "life-supporting"
substance. The new compound is different from either of the original
substances. Something has changed.
When we become one,
we both change. We arrive at a unity of purpose. We have a
unity of our wills. This doesn't happen the moment our marriage
begins. It is a process we must work toward throughout our life.
How do we propel ourselves down this pathway to becoming one with our spouse?
When disagreements or
disputes arise, it becomes necessary to discuss, negotiate and resolve
the differences. That can only happen if we talk together.
Talking together is successful only when we are honest with each other
and relate in self- and other-respectful tones and words.
Berating, name-calling,
blaming, insinuating, criticizing, and being cynical aren't tools in the
briefcase of the successful negotiator. Things usually go better
if we simply explain our own feelings about the situation of concern.
"I really feel tired
when we let the children stay up past 9:00 on school nights. Can
we figure out a way to make 9:00 work?"
A major barrier preventing
a couple from converging into one purpose is the fault of being less than
honest. We may assume that our opinion will be rejected and withhold
the truth. Some feel selfish when they need things to be different.
As a result, they hold their opinion to themselves. Others prefer
peace rather than confrontation regarding their differences.
Self-esteem interferes
at times when one of us feels that we don't deserve things to be the way
we would like them. We never even take the chance to improve situations.
Taking the initiative
to move toward the merging of wills gives each of us the opportunity to
see the world differently. It gives us a chance to grow!
We can feel the surge
of goodness that comes with mutual submission. In fact, becoming
one can't happen without mutual submission.
Each partner must ask,
"Which choice will help my spouse feel more loved? Is my opinion
more important than our relationship? Will our marriage grow together
or apart if I stubbornly hold onto my view? Is there a middle ground?
Is this a moral issue? Is this decision potentially hurtful
to anyone?"
When we answer these
questions, we will begin to move toward that "marriage- supporting" phenomena
called "becoming one."
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Infidelity
complicates life
Affairs create intense emotions. They are
not about sex, but about pain, past, fear and empty love tanks. Most people
enter marriage believing that they would never have an affair. Marriages
are built by partners who laugh, cry, and share each other's soul. They
disintegrate without care. Distance, and hostility begin to dominate. Lives
begin to take separate paths. A noticeable lack of sexual desire
or emotional withdrawal becomes apparent. Vague, defensive answers
become the rule when questions are asked.
Research suggests that extramarital affairs are
not based on physical needs. The root often lies much deeper. There
is often a need for emotional gratification, attention, respect, or simply
a need to feel needed.
Infidelity tears down the foundations of a
marriage and family. Distrust prevails. Insecurity and fear
abound in family interactions. Extremely devastating, an affair does
not have to end a marriage. It can become a positive turning point
in the marriage. Partners can minimize the damage from an affair.
Cool down before taking action. The
anger and hurt can be so great that a divorce is final before the tremendous
reaction to the loss of respect, trust, and values has begun to be
processed rationally.
Two wrongs do not make a right. If you
react by doing something that you think would hurt your partner as badly
as you are hurting, the web only gets more tangled. A "devil's triangle"
is possible when another relationship forms. It brings the risk of
unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease or emotional damage.
Seek counseling to discover the real meaning
of the affair. What did your partner need? To be heard?
To feel special or valuable? Affairs open doors for communicating honestly.
Accept some blame. What did the affair
provide that was missing? Attention? Physical pleasure? Confidence? Companionship?
Did jobs, interests, or activities distract?
Look to the future. Dragging the skeleton
out of the closet with each argument makes for a rough road to recovery.
The pain of the affair costs valuable trust and time. It does not
have to cost your future. Plan for going through the pain together.
Rebuild trust. No one wants to be burned
twice. Eliminate suspicions. Confront fears. Negotiate ways
to construct trust. It will take a long time. Share feelings.
Honest communication will lead to trust in time.
Set goals. Go the extra mile.
Do the things that helped you fall in love in the first place. By
working together, you can build on your history and have an even richer
marriage. Together you can learn and grow from the trials.
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Recycled teens of
mid life crisis
Mid life crisis is the tornado that come from
nowhere and upset the stability of the family and the community. This crisis
has to do mostly with men who wake up one day and discover that they are
only ten or fifteen years from retirement and still lack major achievements.
Bernard Shaw said, "There are two tragedies
in life: one is not to get your heart's desire, the other is to get
it."
Stark painful realities emerge. He is not
perfect. His wife is not perfect. His children are not going to become
famous. He is getting older, uglier, fatter, and less desired.
He concludes it will al just get worse. As recycled teens
fearing never to experience the joys of life before it slips away,
changes erupt. Much of life has been focused on reaching school and
work goals. Relationships have been secondary. At this pinnacle,
men realize that value in life is not found in awards and achievements.
Relationships are the source of the richness
of life.
By this time the neglected spouse and children
have adjusted to a fatherless existence. He has almost become invisible
to his family. To diminish his loneliness and find meaning in life,
he makes crazy choices. New sporty cars are bought. Debt is
built. He becomes more interested in clothing selections and new
hairstyles. Often he will consider affairs and attempt them.
Of course, these are his way of finding meaning in life.
Now his life is like a tornado, destructive and uncontrollable. Not
only does this turmoil affect his life, but it also affects his partner's
life. Consequently, these daily experiences shape the core of the
marriage because both spouses create their unique relationship. However,
when one partner is dealing with a mid life crisis, a war can result.
The partner in crisis can try to win this war by defeating his spouse.
Therefore, change is trying to occur, and both partners must come to some
kind of agreement about new relationship. Both partners must talk honestly
and respectfully for change to occur. When emotions are boiling,
rational decisions can be very difficult to achieve.
The help of a therapist or a counselor can
help bring balance into a relationship. To effectively negotiate
an unhappy couple's future together, this third party can be critical to
the relationship. They will encourage the two partners to state their needs
plainly, so reality can be established. Also the counselor can lead
the couple to discover truth that has been unexamined in the relationship
and to discover possible solutions to deal with this mid life crisis.
The couple can begin to focus on the future of their marriage. When a marriage
is in a mid life crisis, it can be managed if the couple continue to share
with one another in respectful, loving ways. A new method of relating
can hold the keys to the future happiness of a couple.
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Creating Harmony
Like music, harmony in marriage is a blending
of two hearts in spite of differences.
Every time a couple differs, conflicts
or disagrees, they have an opportunity to create harmony or discord.
This opportunity is not something we anticipate with fond feelings.
Creating harmony takes practice, like learning
to play the piano. Although we have learned some great communication skills,
we often avoid practicing what we find painful.
Differences are not the real problem.
The way we "play" our differences is what makes conflict so painful.
We want control in conflict. Feeling controlled is what seems
to trigger most of the discord in conflict.
Techniques we have learned include everything
from a "cold shoulder" to a "hot temper." The result of this
discord is commonly feeling rejected, injured, and resentful. These negative
emotions grow into anger, fear, and the tendency to fight back.
The rejection and hurt are hurled right back at the one who hurt first.
Couples stuck in this painful pattern need to learn new strategies
of dealing with their differences. The harmony is lost in the wake
of the negative.
Couples can work together to make the needed
changes. How?
First, list all the techniques being used
to hurt each other. Some common offensives are bringing up the past,
becoming silent and withdrawing, accusing, blaming, judging, and attacking
with words or violence. Refer to your list throughout the week
as you let each other know when you would have used one of your "old" tactics,
but chose another more respectful method instead.
Second, identify the situations when the control
tactics have been used in the past. Those are the "high risk" times
that you can agree would not be a good time to bring up emotional issues.
Perhaps it is when you are tired, or hungry.
Pay special attention to the thoughts that
come just before the "eruptions" of hurt. Are there particular situations,
or emotional cues? Discovering these can help identify the times
that damage is more likely.
Thirdly, choose new strategies that build
rather than destroy your relationship. Refuse to continue the old
ways and practice the new tactics.
Fourth, let each other know how they are doing.
Tell about how different you feel as a result of the new actions.
This requires that we begin expressing some emotions. Beginning our
sentences with "I feel invisible." works much better than when we start
with "You are so unthoughtful!" As we begin sharing how our feelings
change with the new patterns, we can begin to ask for more of our needs
to be met. Success will be higher when defensiveness is reduced.
In marriage, we spend a lifetime working toward
harmony. Life keeps giving us new differences to work out.
As we each discard old habits that brought hurt and rejection, we begin
trusting each other to be kind and respectful.
Working together we can create harmony out
of discord.
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Tricking or treating in a marriage
Halloween, the evening before
"All
Saints Day," was a time to celebrate death.
A religious group believed
that on this particular night the souls of the dead returned to their former
homes to be entertained by the living.
If acceptable food and
shelter were not provided these evil spirits were believed to cast spells,
cause havoc and terror, and haunt and torment the living. They demanded
to be placated.
This was the beginning
of "trick-or-treat." Evil spirits demanded a "treat." If they didn't get
what they wanted, they gave you a "trick."
On this holiday of tricking
or treating, let us look at occasions within our marriage relationships
that we bring this tradition through the whole year.
"Give me what I want
or I might do something that could upset you!"
A common example in
marriage would be when we withdraw in hurt or display anger when our spouse
does not do what we think they know we want them to do.
The flip side is that
we do what we know our spouse doesn't like us to do because we don't like
the way they nag, control or manipulate us.
Does any of this sound
familiar? We hurt each other by tricking when we aren't treated the way
we expect. So, what are the solutions?
Well, we could change
the way we expect to be treated. However, usually we only want respect
from our marriage partner. That is normal.
We could, however,
tell them how we expect to be treated. To add meaning and motivation, we
have to share what we will be doing if they can't "treat" us as we ask.
Since the last suggestion
may be the most logical, how might that sound?
"Honey, I really feel
belittled when you talk to me like I am a child. I am sure you don"t want
to hurt me, so I will remind you each time I feel this way until you can
begin to treat me as your partner rather than your child."
Another example: "I
get really scared when you threaten in anger. What I need from you is reassurance
that you care about me and are committed to this marriage. I don't mind
you telling me when I do things that upset you, but the threats and anger
do not build our marriage."
By addressing the issue
we will not have to pull out our "tricks" of withdrawing in silence, lashing
out with hurtful words or actions.
We won't feel like seeking
revenge with a devious "super-trick" such as violence or abuse.
Actually, another "trick"
is necessary. The trick is honesty and openness in kindness and with calmness.
Feelings won't have to be scared!
Damage to our "spirit"
is not necessary. In fact, life is much more satisfying and fulfilling
when we don't play the "trick or treat" game in a marriage.
This is a tradition
that can be put to death! If we are successful, we can all feel that we
gained a "treat."
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Damaging four-letter
words
Relationships suffer from little things. Major disturbances
are usually the result of years of small damages in any relationship.
Many of these insults can be described with four-letter words.
FOOT and BALL rob families of the fun of creating, playing, joking,
and talking together. In the presence of a sports event, several
family members may feel LEFT out.
To YELL at a person we are committed to love is like throwing
a DART into their heart. To CUSS and use FOUL language inflicts an
even greater degree of disrespect. Adding NAME and CALL with a WORD
that is CURT to this list brings a variation on this problem--a degrading
accusation. The relationship is changed.
LAZY behaviors give messages that diminish the value of those
we care about. We give the impression that we are more important
than they, and that they don't deserve to REST like those of us who are
LAZY.
GONE is a word that leaves those who are LEFT alone with a feeling
of worthlessness that starts with the four-letter word LONE. Being LATE
without explanation has the same effect. Since life becomes meaningless
when we feel useless, this set of words can destroy what we call life's
purpose.
SELF at our center brings choices that may reduce the numbers
of those willing to call themselves our friends. Also our actions
become much more thoughtful and considerate when we focus on the unspoken
NEED of another. A relationship takes on an unfair balance when there
is no mutual GIVE and TAKE. Only when we are willing to submit to
those we love can we begin to experience the fullness available in a rich
relationship.
LIES become thieves of respect. There is a FEAR underlying
every lie, fear of being left alone, fear of losing love. Once respect
is lost, it is difficult to ever achieve the original level of respect
in a relationship. The value of respect can never be taken lightly.
In fact, respect is the measure of the quality of a healthy relationship.
PORN is another four-letter word that keeps cropping up on the
worldwide web. This little word has had a major impact on marriages
and has contributed to huge packages of negative emotions as well as broken
relationships--this little word PORN. Time can be wasted, lies told,
dreams destroyed. Guilt and shame burden the life devoted to
PORN.
MIND and GAME join forces to confuse and befuddle issues between
people. However, honesty and openness seem to have no use in destructive
relationships.
But, the four-letter word that steals all hope is the word WON'T.
I WON'T change, I WON'T listen, I WON'T consider your requests. I
WON'T try.
A little introspection will reveal whether or not any of these
four-letter words are wreaking havoc in your life or the lives of
those you love and share a common interest. LIFE IS TOO PRECIOUS
TO WASTE PRECIOUS MOMENTS. A pleasant moment gained with your friends
and family is a memory for future withdrawals. Your deposits benefit
you, as well as your family and friends.
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Everything for nothing?
After twenty years of marriage, lovingly participating in all
of the parenting activities, cooking healthy meals, carefully following
the budget, keeping the house clean, scrubbing the toilet, buying the groceries
and holding part- or full-time jobs most of the time, tears flooded her
eyes. She had postponed her concern over the feeling that she had born
the
bulk of the burden around the house as well as the full responsibility
of caring for the children for most of her marriage.
Now, she says she feels like she gave everything for nothing.
Life seems futile. The kids are fast-becoming adults. They
will not need her much longer. Her husband rarely speaks to her.
His work has become ever more consuming. He is a silent partner.
She does have several good children and they know she loves
them. Yet they have a plaguing belief cultured over the years: "Something
must be wrong with me since dad never talks to or does anything with me."
"I must not be very lovable." "Maybe I will never do anything good
enough to get his attention."
So, since this desolate woman has given much time and love to
her children, she has cultivated something priceless in them. Now, she
feels empty-handed. As she is about to see her children leave the
nest and form homes of their own, she has fears. Fear they will duplicate
the kind of family life they have seen for almost 20 years. Fear
they will feel desolation in their future like she feels now.
More than anything, parents want a fulfilling future for their
children.
Yet, we do not always do what will give them that gift.
What does it take?
CONSIDERATION for all needs.
SHARING our needs, chores, burdens, fears, joys, and allowing
others to show their love.
CONSISTENCY in responding to each other.
KINDNESS in our words and actions.
HONESTY about our reactions to each other's behavior and words.
INTEGRITY modeled in our interactions with the world of business,
church, family and friends.
ACKNOWLEDGING our appreciation for help received in random acts
of kindness.
VALIDATING feelings that may be spoken or unspoken. Communicating
that we understand hurt, joy, sadness, fear, excitement, and pride.
PLANNING family time to enjoy the simple pleasures of laughter,
food, fun, and togetherness.
ACCOUNTABILITY held for all members to participate jointly in
the everyday tasks required to operate the business of a family.
According to a marriage expert, the following are the top reasons
given by women for leaving a marriage:
"I feel lonely and abandoned." "We are no longer friends." "He only
pays attention to me when he wants sex." "He is never there when I need
him." "When he hurts my feelings, he doesn't apologize." "He lives as if
we weren't married." "We're like ships passing in the night." "I
don't even know who he is anymore."
Despair can be prevented. However, it takes some serious
action and cooperation between both partners.
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