| Ways To Love In The Right Language 9-23-97 | We do need each other. 11-18-97 | It's no joke when you end up broke! 12-02-97 |
| Trust lost is hard to get back 1-13-98 | Can you believe it? 3-10-98 | So, you want to get married? 6-2-98 |
| Talk with your future mate before walking down the aisle 6-9-98 | Why living together first should be avoided 6-30-98 | Sex and marriage 7-7-98 |
| Agreement on matters of the spirit is important 8-11-98 | What we believe is important 8-18-98 | What is it
you are you afraid of?
8-25-98 |
| False beliefs about marriage 11-17-98 | No place like home? 12-7-98 | False beliefs about marriage are harmful 11-7-98 |
| Have you ever
been treated wrongly?
Has it been by someone you thought knew you loved them? It is possible they didn't really feel loved. They may have known it with their head, but did not feel it in their heart. Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages" has helped explain this mystery. Imagine each man, woman and child as having a tank that can contain love. We act "ugly" when we don't feel loved. We don't feel loved because our tank is on low or empty. Sometimes our tanks are low because they have little holes that are leaking out the love being poured in. Those holes are a result of having been hurt over and over by abuse, neglect or rejection. Because of our growing-up years and the experiences we had, we each are unique and have a different "Love Language" (LL). Usually we marry someone with a different LL than we have. We have to LEARN how to speak each other's language. If we speak one language, and they have a different one, they WILL NOT feel loved. Here are the five ways people can receive love: 1) Quality Time or focused time together. Going shopping, playing games, seeing a movie, talking, reading, walking, etc. Doing something that is desired by one and that the other is willing to do in order to communicate love. 2) Words of Affirmation or telling the other person about the things you really appreciate about them. Praise for the things they do and the things that are there to stay — like their attitude, their personality, their generosity, their joy- giving. 3) Acts of Service which simply means doing things with or for the person you love. This can be as easy as taking the clothes out of the dryer and folding them, helping fix supper, clean-up, bathe the children, do homework, lawn work, or a special project. 4) Gifts of any kind that become a reminder of your love. Something simple to put on a desk, a refrigerator, a bulletin board. 5) Touch in a gentle, loving manner. A hug, an arm around a shoulder, a pat on the hand, intimacy that is welcomed. If we "speak" one LL and the person we love "hears" in another one, they will not feel loved. For instance, my husband needs Quality Time in order to feel loved. If I spend all my time doing Acts of Service, like fixing him tasty, wonderful meals and staying busy cleaning the house, he will not feel loved. I must make an effort to set aside time that is devoted especially to him. |
Many times fathers work hard at several jobs and
think their children should know they are loved because their dad is
working so hard. But if the child's LL is touch, and the father is
never around to play with or hug that child, they will not feel love and
their love tanks will begin to have holes in them.
A person who needs Words of Affirmation is crushed if they have done an Act of Service and are criticized for it or even worse, not even recognized for it. Dippers full of love are lost from their tank. A person who really needs touch but is pulled away from or physically hurt by the person they think should love them, is devastated. Again, their tank is emptied. How can you tell what a person's LL is? What do they complain about most of all? Do you hear: "I wish you would talk to me once in awhile" (Quality Time). "You never help me around the house" (Acts of Service). "You always find the one thing I do wrong" (Words of Affirmation). "You never bring me flowers" (Gifts). Or, "You never hug me" (Touch). You can also tell what their LL is by what they do for those they love. If you really want to know, ask the person you love, "Which one of these five love languages could you notlive without." You have in your power the ability to change lives, not only your own, but those that you love, by beginning to focus on and speak their specific LL. I especially challenge you to visualize the love tank in your child. When they are acting in ways that irritate you, let the first thought be, "What can I do to put a little love in that empty tank?" You will be amazed at the improvement in their behavior over time as you make an effort to pour love in their tanks regularly. As we become aware of what our LL is, we can begin to let others know. It's OK to say "It would make me feel more loved if you... had the house clean when I come home." "...held me for a few minutes before sex." "...didn't forget our anniversary." "...helped me in the yard." "... read this book with me, one chapter a week." "...told me how much you appreciate me working so hard." One person in a family does have the power to change how that family behaves, because our actions bring reactions from others every time. So many times we act based on how we feel instead of what we know is best. You may not see results overnight, but over the span of only weeks, or maybe months, you can begin to see life smooth out and become more satisfying. Life is meant to be rich with love. FAMILY MATTERS September 23, 1997 |
| On a recent trip to Montgomery, I noticed a bumper
sticker that prompted today's column. It read "Women need a
man like a fish needs a bicycle."
I run into the attitude frequently. And although I'm not really sure where the source of this feeling is, I'll take a guess that part of it lies with how men and women relate sexually. A cartoon I saw in a therapy journal we get pictures a man and woman sitting comfortably in their living room. They are both holding signs. His said "No sex, no love." Her's said "No love no sex." It illustrated so well the different view of sex held by men and women. Women must feel loved to enjoy the sexual pleasures of marriage. If a women is being treated with disrespect by her husband, she will generally not desire sex. A man can enjoy it no matter how his wife may have yelled at him earlier that day. Men would be received much better sexually if they were willing to speak the love language of their wife. That means that women need their husband to talk to them about feelings , help them fix supper, or care for the children. Women also need to be touched and caressed for at least 20 minutes before they can be expected to respond enthusiastically. For men sex is largely a physical need. They begin to feel an uncomfortable physical tension if they experience a long time in between sexual encounters. We must be willing to talk about our own sexual needs and feelings with our spouse in order to rise to a higher level of sexual enjoyment. Many times, because of the |
messages concerning sex that we received as children,
we are uncomfortable talking about the one part of our marriage that has
the potential to bring us the height of closeness.
A common complaint is that there just isn't enough time, with the demands of a job, work, school, and family. One solution for that problem is to schedule time together. It may even work for you to alternate weeks for the responsibility of setting aside the special times. If a spouse has experienced sexual abuse their response to touch may trigger negative emotions. That must be dealt with in counseling and group support to diminish its power in the sexual relationship. Couples benefit from talking about the things that trigger negative feelings and what they need to feel more secure and loved. Another factor that interferes with the potential joy of the sexual relationship comes from the fact that many women feel "obligated" to meet the needs of their husband. Rather than talk honestly with their spouse, they resent the feeling of being used. The couple could benefit greatly from saying, "I don't feel up to it tonight, could you just hold me for 30 minutes? Let's plan on it tomorrow night, OK?" So, the sexual relationship can be enhanced by a few basic principles. They are: Have realistic expectations based on the differences between men and women. Be willing to talk about how you really feel, not only about sexual encounters, but about your life in general. Seek help if you have been wounded or damaged in this area. FAMILY MATTERS November 18, 1997 |
| This week's article is
the last in a series of three about the things that cause trouble
in marriages: Sex, in- laws, and finances. Last
week on a radio station playing old blues music, I heard a song with the
words that claimed "Ain't no romance without finance... it's no joke to
be broke!" We don't usually think of these two topics as in the same
category. But, are they?
If our bills are piling up and we are feeling the weight of the hopelessness of the situation, are we going to see the world as nicely as if we are in the black and have some savings set aside? I don't think so. Our emotions determine our behavior. In that sense, finance and romance are intimately linked. Usually one partner in a marriage is stronger than the other when making sound financial decisions. Whichever partner that happens to be, it would be wise of the other partner to submit to the advice and planning of the more frugal partner, even if it is the wife. Wealth is what we accumulate, not what we spend. It is important that both partners review the status of their finances regularly (biweekly or monthly). We need to know what we are spending. There is no partnership when one spouse takes full responsibility with no sharing of information or decision-making. The most frequent problems in marriages that revolve around finances fall into two categories of counsel: Being realistic and taking responsibility. REALISTIC. It makes sense to spend less than we earn. But the practice of spending as much or more than we earn is far too common. We have to be realistic when we want to do or buy something that will hurt our financial status. Instead of going to a concert, we could buy the CD. Instead of buying a new vehicle, we get a used one. Instead of buying everybody gifts at Christmas, draw names. Instead of buying new fishing and hunting gear, check out the "for sale" ads or pawn shops. Instead of stopping for an ice cream cone, stop by the store and buy a half-gallon for what you would have paid for 3 dips in a restaurant. Young couples starting out in a marriage |
won't be able to live like their parents who have
worked 20 years to get what they have. That's realistic.
RESPONSIBILITY. It's obvious that a budget is the responsibility of each household. Many couples like to maintain his and her money separately. That's fine. But, a joint budget that both contribute fairly to will prevent resentment. Each spouse should be able to have an allotment for cash each pay period, even if it's only a small amount. It is humiliating and resentment- producing to have to ask for spending money every time you need to buy the little extras. Within the joint budget, the more future oriented, the better. We know we will have to get a new vehicle someday. We know we have insurance bills. We know we get sick and need medication sometimes. We know Christmas comes around every December. We know we have dentist bills routinely. We know our house and car need maintenance at times. All of these things can be programmed into any budget. Now, if in-laws are bailing you out on a regular basis, it is your responsibility to say to them: "I really appreciate your concern for me, but until I can take full responsibility for my choices, I'll never feel like a mature adult and won't become successful." Wouldn't that blow them away? Savings is another area that falls under responsibility. As parents, it is our obligation to save wisely for our retirement and our children's education. If amarried couple could put $5,000 in a mutual fund on the day they get married and add $100 a month until they retire, they'd have around $1.1 million! We frequently face the problem of one spouse not adhering to the budget. What then? A joint decision must be made about the logical consequences before the offense has been made. Then, when the time comes, the "sentence" is executed. Credit cards may have to be destroyed Difficult? Maybe, but it really does simplify life. Being broke certainly is not a joke! FAMILY MATTERS December 2, 1997 |
| When I was only 21, I had to have emergency surgery to
remove a kidney. Now, years later I still have an expansive 12-inch
scar as a permanent reminder of that threat on my
life. Betrayal or deception is similar in nature. Something important is lost, and there will always be reminders. Betrayal in a relationship is permanently damaging, introducing a fear and anxiety that stay forever. Life can look like it is back to normal again. It never will be quite the same again. A loss of trust can occur in a fleeting moment or in a series of minor acts that slowly erode trust. Without trust, we are deprived of security and stability in our relationships. Little incidents can trigger an emotional reaction which resembles the reaction to the first time the trust was lost, not only with the betrayer, but others with whom we associate. How do we lose trust? By being treated unpredictably,
by being rejected, neglected, hurt, or offended by another's actions or
words. Those actions and words are many times
|
Can trust be rebuilt? It is possible to rebuild trust,
but it doesn't happen over night. Like a brick house, it is rebuilt one
brick of behavior at a time. Time and repetition are the cement that hold
the bricks together.
If you are the one who has been betrayed, you grow by
being honest about your reactions to how they are treating you and setting
the limit of what you are willing to live with in the future. If they are
willing to live within those limits, your life will be more tolerable.
If they aren't there's always the choice of distance or physical separation
until an agreement has been reached and a proving of behavior change has
been demonstrated. The amount of time that takes can range from anywhere
between six months and a year. The rewards are rich. "That which does not
kill us makes us stronger." The tough times in life can help us grow more
understanding, accepting, and creative when we direct our pain in constructive
If you are the betrayer, you may be faced with doing some
things you don't enjoy. You may choose to get help for your problems. You
may have to call home if you are going to be late. You may have to talk
about what your feelings really are. You may have to do things that don't
come naturally to you like destroying your credit cards, agreeing to report
in to someone, change jobs, turn off the TV, go to counseling. Whatever
it is, trust is one of the riches gifts we can earn. A good relationship
doesn't just happen, it is created. It is worth a million dollars to really
be trusted!
|
| The way we see the world is determined by our belief
system. Our emotions are shaped by the way we see the world.
Our behaviors are determined in large part by our emotions.
What do you believe that makes you upset when your wife doesn't keep the house clean, discipline the kids, enjoy football? Are your beliefs: My wife doesn't love me if she won't keep the house clean? She's too soft when she doesn't stop the kid's fights? She doesn't like to be with me when she won't sit down and watch football with me? It's very possible that her beliefs were: A clean house is a sign of a sick mind The kids have to learn to solve their own problems. When my husband is watching TV he doesn't notice me, my time is better spent by reading a good book. Both partners in that marriage see the world in very different
ways. If they don't share with each other the way they see the world,
they can go a whole lifetime feeling hurt, unloved, resentful, and ignored.
|
We have two choices:
1. Express the feelings that come when those little actions slightly hurt us. "I feel uncomfortable when the house isn't spotless." "I feel out of control when the children argue!" "I am lonesome watching this game by myself." 2. Consciously change the way we see the world.
We can change our belief systems much easier than we can change the way
we respond emotionally. Here's how:
See how the ambience changes? When we examine the
beliefs we hold dear, and begin to choose to change them, many of the negative
feelings that build up in our hearts begin to evaporate! Without
those negative feelings, we have room for the more positive feelings to
take over. Your life can be brighter and warmer!
|
| The marrying season is upon us! How many marriages
are based on solid love? We each have emotional needs that must be
met. When our greatest desire is to meet the emotional needs of the
other, we really love each other.
When we ignore our normal responsibilities and pursuits
for the one we care for, we are "infatuated." If our primary focus
is getting our needs met, it is infatuation. When we are infatuated
we are obsessed with the other person. We HAVE to be together. We
cannot see the flaws in each other. We cannot imagine that they may
one day leave hairs in
Being in love requires self-discipline. When we
are infatuated, we spend hours on the phone, travel unreasonably just to
be together. We are in an orbit unlike any other experience in life.
We see the other person as perfect. Research shows that this experience
can last up to two years. The problem is that most marriages are
based on this elation.
|
If marriage is in your near future, let me pose a few
true/false questions which might make your world a little more realistic:
___ I believe most disagreements we currently have will decrease after marriage. ___ We will keep our romantic love after marriage. ___ My partner's bad habits don't bother me. ___ My partner needs to be more careful in spending money. ___ I have some concerns about how my partner will be as a parent. ___ We disagree on some major issues. ___ We can't easily share our feelings. ___ At times I'll feel pressure to do things my partner enjoys ___ We don't agree on how much we will share the household chores. ___ We sometimes disagree on how to practice religious beliefs The more true responses you had, the more you might want
to seek premarital help before your wedding. Next week look for some
discussion questions to help you make a wise choice in this most important
decision.
|
| Someone who loves is very patient
and kind, never jealous, never boastful or proud, never selfish, conceited
or rude.
One who loves doesn't demand his/her own way. They aren't irritable or touchy. They don't hold grudges. They hurt when you hurt, are happy when you share yourself with them. You will be loyal no matter what the cost. You will always believe in and expect the best of each other. Marriage can be wonderful, but there are common areas that often cause trouble. Last week I promised a few questions to discuss over the next few months if you are contemplating marriage. When you have discussed some of them you will have a better idea about what the future holds. Budget Questions:
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Family questions:
If your mother wants you to come for the holidays and we can't afford it, what will we do? If your mom wants you to fix something for her, and I have something that has been waiting to be fixed, what will you say to her? Who will be the most important person in your life? When we have children, who will be your priority? Do you want children? How do you see the role as spiritual leader? If we don't agree on discipline, what should we do? How would you deal with a disobedient child, teenager? When should allowances begin? What responsibilities should children have--at what ages? What is the most important message to get across to children? Sex questions:
|
| QUESTION: Why is it not a good idea to live together
if two people have a committed relationship?
For starters, living together before marriage increases
your chances of divorce or separation more than 50% above the average rate
after 10 years! Cohabitation lends itself to living in the present
rather than planning for the future. It becomes simple to terminate
the relationship if one partner becomes dissatisfied. As a result
faulty patterns of interacting develop. One partner usually keeps
trying to satisfy the other while feeling some disappointment.
|
Our society recognizes marriage as the most secure
way to protect human beings from damage. Although many people are
damaged badly in marriages, the law is there to protect them.
If your relationship is dissolved after living together, a judge cannot
insure you will be taken care of since survivor benefits are not given
if there is no legal verification of a marriage (license, joint banking
account, common law). The laws of our land are in place to protect
us.
The best marriage is one in which deep respect is demonstrated for each other. This kind of respect would compel both partners to be willing to sacrifice anything for the other. It is a MUTUAL submission to each other, out of love, wanting to do whatever it takes to cultivate happiness in the relationship. Partners in the ideal marriage express their emotional needs, set future goals, make decisions, and negotiate till both are satisfied. Without commitment, it's impossible to have richness and clarity available within a marriage. If there are any children, young or adult, involved, they become confused and begin to make choices that reflect their confusion. Their foundations become shaky. True love takes years and working through problems together, growing emotionally and nurturing each other's growth. It's much more than passion. It really does require serious commitment. FAMILY MATTERS 6-30-98 |
| QUESTION: Why is it wrong to have sex before marriage,
and become OK after marriage?
The emotional commitment that is demonstrated in
the act of sex is not something to be taken lightly. Even if we remove
the possibility of pregnancy with the use of every birth control measure,
the act without the emotional commitment has the potential to really damage
us. Many times one partner believes commitment is certain, only to
be badly disappointed and hurt when the other one abandons the relationship.
|
Intimacy is not the ability to have sex. Intimacy
is the ability to talk over everything from the meaning of sex to the meaning
of life. Sexual intimacy rarely leads to instant commitment.
Sex, to a male, is a mode of releasing tension. To a female, it is
representative of great emotional commitment. If the male is really
committed, and acting out of unselfishness, he can find other ways to release
his tensions rather than put the woman he supposedly loves at any risk.
Early sexual experiences have the power to complicate your future marital
intimacy. Engaged in too soon, it can end up making you feel bad
about your self, desperate, and terribly alone and confused in the future.
Ideally, sex is considerate of the desires of each partner. It is not for selfish needs. The purpose is to express the high regard for each other that comes from the signed and sealed commitment of marriage. With that commitment, the partners will be loyal, not putting each other at any threat or risk. Emotional hurt damages our soul. It is our responsibility to protect it. If we don't believe in God, that principle is difficult to understand. The choice to have sex without official commitment should be based on principles that everyone has to figure out for themselves. If we want to be our best as future citizens, parents, wives, husbands, workers, we have to protect what is most valuable to us--our spirit, soul, heart, mind--they're all the same. FAMILY MATTERS 7-7-98 |
| What we believe is important. We have valid
reasons for our choices in beliefs. Marital harmony can result if both
partners see the world similarly. As we begin our families
and form principles upon which to guide our decisions, it's not that
we have to agree on everything, but it is important that we are united
in some of the basic foundations.
One of those basic questions to settle is: "Is faith in God important to our marriage?" Another question is: "If faith is important, which interpretation of God are we both going to communicate to our child? A God to be afraid of? Or a God that loves them unconditionally?" And, "How are we going to be successful in our attempts to give our children this spiritual framework? By family worship times? Regular church attendance? Volunteer work in the community?" Before we get married if there is disagreement or confusion about what we really believe about God, those issues need to be discussed, studied, and settled. Children deserve to get a clear, unified message from their parents. If there is dissonance in belief systems, or denominations, the children end up being the victim feeling pulled between the parents and disloyal to either the mom or dad whom they love. The way we act reflects what we believe. If we see
our ministry in life as one that reon those principles. Couples often
feel that agreement in these matters isn't very flects the principles of
the God we believe in, our interactions with others will be based
|
important. However, if we are going to teach our
children about God, we do it by the way we interact with each other in
the home.
If we curse and yell at each other when we are angry rather than expressing our emotions in a healthy way, we are telling them that God is out of control and angry. If we withdraw our love from them when they make mistakes, they will have a view of a God that won't love them if they aren't perfect. If we shame our children in front of others by saying they are stupid, mean, or bad, they will go through life with much shame and guilt, feeling they can never be accepted by God. If they see us being dishonest, or disrespectful, they get the message that we can hide truth from God. If they see disorderliness in our homes, they see God as disorganized and confusing. On the other hand, as our children feel loved, experience consistent limits and responses, feel caring, honesty and respect, they will be able to find strength in God during the times in their life that are troubled or difficult. Agreement BEFORE marriage on our beliefs and faith have
as much to do with a successful marriage as agreeing on policies with in-laws,
finances, discipline, and sex. If we are not in agreement, we end
up being forced to be disloyal to our God, or our spouse and family.
Premarital counseling can help define our belief systems. It would
be a great benefit to our society if all couples would seek counsel prior
to walking down that wedding aisle. How can our community begin to
make an impact in this area?
|
| How do I really know you love me?
Many times, the way we feel depends somewhat on how much love we feel. One problem is, we don't tell the people with whom we live what it takes for us to FEEL loved. Another problem is that the belief about what others would do if they loved us may be wrong. Below is a common list of what people expect from someone
that claims they love them. Why don't you take the list and check
off the items that fit you. Then, sit down with the important people
in your life and let them know your expectations.
listen to me.
|
be happy to see and be with me.
want to be with me. would spend time with me. put time with me ahead of spending time with other people do some of the things I like to do. not complain. keep your word. never lie to me or deceive me. never ignore my feelings. see things the way I see them. never belittle me. pick up your socks and dirty clothes. tell me that you love me. Some people say, "Well, if I have to tell them what I need to feel loved, I don't want it!" But, since most of us don't have the ability to read minds, it is perfectly OK to share your needs with those around you that have the responsibility to communicate love and caring to you. Another principle of human nature is that repetition is
the mother of wisdom. Just because you told them once what you needed
doesn't mean you might not need to repeat it several times for them to
completely understand. So, don't hesitate to remind in a loving way
what your needs are. The purpose of life is to meet the needs of
others. That can only be done if our needs are met and we feel loved.
So, try it, and help make the world a better place!
|
| Have you ever wished you really understood your
marriage partner? Much of what we do in our relationships is driven
by fear. Fear of losing the relationship, fear of not being liked
or loved, fear of their reactions, or fear of our own emotions.
When we recognize and voice those fears, much of the mystery of our behavior can be explained and understood. Which of the following do you identify with? Highlight the ones that describe you and share them with your spouse. I guarantee your marriage will begin to feel like it has more depth. If you criticize me, I feel inadequate.
If you do what I want, but not the way I wanted
you to, it doesn't count.
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I work very hard for you but am afraid you still
don't love me.
If I show you how much I love and need you in my life, I'm afraid I might drive you away. If you try to get close to me, I fear you will trap or smother me. If I distance from you, I'll lose you. If I need you, I will feel weak. If you comfort me, I feel less powerful. If I comfort you, you may not accept it. If I were to ask what you are thinking or feeling, I fear I would be intruding. If I don't ask, I'm afraid you would think I'm not interested, so you never tell me. If I tell you how I feel, you get angry. If I don't tell you how I feel, you get angry. If I tell you how angry I am at you, you distance yourself from me. If I don't tell you how angry I am at you, I distance myself from you. If I am angry, I can't tell you or you would withhold from me, retaliate, or leave. So much of our lives are governed by these lose- lose beliefs that we fail to share. We are in a double bind. A win-win setting is what we all would prefer! We can help our marriage become more ideal by talking
about what we believe about each other and ourselves. As we begin
to understand the thoughts and beliefs that drive our behaviors, we can
offer reassurance and share reality with each other and develop an exciting,
rich relationship.
|
|
What does it mean "Marriage takes work?" Why is it hard to enjoy loving and being loved? We see the world through different eyes because of our varied experiences. Our lives have to fit together like pieces in a puzzle. In order for that to happen, we may have to make adjustments and changes. Some beliefs, if we hold on to them, can contribute to marital misery. We are not really conscious of most of these beliefs. Changing them then, is difficult. Some common beliefs follow: IF ONLY YOU WOULD . . . be more understanding, listen more, be less critical, didn't complain so much, etc. I would not be so complaining, and critical. I could listen better, I'd be happier. In other words: "it's your fault I'm not happy in this marriage." Our response to what our partner does that irritates us is just as important as their behavior. We are responsible for our own actions and reactions. I CAN CHANGE YOU! When a human being feels like someone is threatening or manipulating them into being someone new, they resist changing. The things that give change the highest possibility are the freedom to choose and the consequences. MY SPOUSE SHOULD MEET ALL MY NEEDS. Often we simply feel unfulfilled. We aren't really sure what we need from our spouse. It makes it hard to tell them what we need when we don't know. |
I challenge you to write out what you really
need and expect from your spouse. Then, ask yourself whether he or
she can meet those needs. If they can't, we are responsible to either
get the needs met in appropriate other ways or accept the fact that our
spouse will not meet the need.
MARRIAGE IS 50/50. If our spouse "owes us" we withhold meeting their need until we feel there is a balanced "ledger sheet." This imbalance evolves as we withhold information from each other about what we feel we deserve or need. If the marriage is feeling out of balance, it is our responsibility to explain clearly what we are no longer willing to do, or what we need to feel appreciated, or what we need from our partner. Instead of expecting anything, whatever your spouse offers you is something you can accept and appreciate. Marriage gets a lot better when we give up our expectations of each other and replace them with expressed needs that, if not met, we meet in other ways. Yelling, screaming, withdrawing, demeaning, manipulating, intimidating them into giving what you want is not very healthy. It works better to ASK your spouse to reconsider, or for you to flex a little, compromise, give up wanting it, or, go take care of it yourself without being bitter. The truth is that spouses "owe" each other nothing in marriage. Becoming "one" in a marriage is impossible if one or both spouses refuse to change for each other. As we make our false beliefs conscious and then replace them with the truth, we can have a deeper, more satisfying marriage. Family Matters November 24, 1998 |
| "Be it ever so humble, there's
no place like home."
Have you ever wished there wasn't a place like your home? Are you feeling guilty about the damage and fear your children are experiencing because they live with violence? Complete the following questionnaire to determine if you are in a dangerous relationship. Use the following scale to determine your score: 3 = Often
Does the person you love
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Has the person you love ever?
____Struck or kicked you? ____Threatened you with an object or weapon? ____Given you visible injuries? ____Been violent toward your child or a pet? ____Forced you to have sex against your will? What your score means: 0 - 5 You're
safe.
The local 24 hour hotline number for Dekalb County is
845-9095.
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| What does it mean "Marriage
takes work?" Why is it hard to enjoy loving and being loved?
We see the world through different eyes because of our varied experiences.
Our lives have to fit together like pieces in a puzzle. In order
for that to happen, we may have to make adjustments and changes.
Some beliefs, if we hold on to them, can contribute to marital misery. We are not really conscious of most of these beliefs. Changing them then, is difficult. Some common beliefs follow: "IF ONLY YOU WOULD" . . . be more understanding, listen more, be less critical, didn't complain so much, etc. I would not be so complaining, and critical. I could listen better, I'd be happier. In other words: "it's your fault I'm not happy in this marriage." Our response to what our partner does that irritates us is just as important as their behavior. We are responsible for our own actions and reactions. "I CAN CHANGE YOU!" When a human being feels like someone is threatening or manipulating them into being someone new, they resist changing. The things that give change the highest possibility are the freedom to choose and the consequences. "MY SPOUSE SHOULD MEET ALL MY NEEDS." Often we simply feel unfulfilled. We aren't really sure what we need from our spouse. It makes it hard to tell them what we need when we don't know. I challenge you to write out what you really need and expect from your spouse. Then, ask yourself whether he or she can meet those needs. If they |
can't, we are responsible to either get the needs
met in appropriate other ways or accept the fact that our spouse will not
meet the need.
"MARRIAGE IS 50/50." If our spouse "owes us" we withhold meeting their need until we feel there is a balanced "ledger sheet." This imbalance evolves as we withhold information from each other about what we feel we deserve or need. If the marriage is feeling out of balance, it is our responsibility to explain clearly what we are no longer willing to do, or what we need to feel appreciated, or what we need from our partner. Instead of expecting anything, whatever your spouse offers you is something you can accept and appreciate. Marriage gets a lot better when we give up our expectations of each other and replace them with expressed needs that, if not met, we meet in other ways. Yelling, screaming, withdrawing, demeaning, manipulating, intimidating them into giving what you want is not very healthy. It works better to ASK your spouse to reconsider, or for you to flex a little, compromise, give up wanting it, or, go take care of it yourself without being bitter. The truth is that spouses "owe" each other nothing in marriage. Becoming "one" in a marriage is impossible if one or both spouses refuse to change for each other. As we make our false beliefs conscious and then replace them with the truth, we can have a deeper, more satisfying marriage. FAMILY MATTERS November 17, 1998 |