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WHY? Clash of interests, clash of values or unmet needs Goal: 100% satisfaction for both of you.
CHOICES:
Argue and Fight, letting emotions rule, one or both will suffer
damage, possible destruction of soul
One of you can give in and escape, ending up with depression
or passive aggressive behavior
One of you can win by controlling
One of you can avoid conflict and withdraw, putting yourself
at risk for drugs, alcohol, disorders, impulse
One or both of you can freeze with anxiety
RESOLVE THE ISSUES!!
If this process becomes blocked, there may be something such
as anger, anxiety, depression, or drugs.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION SEQUENCE SECRETS TO SUCCESS
Express your initial positions regarding the issue at hand.
AVOID asking WHY Say it, don’t hint. Both of you express your
initial positions. Summarize by defining the problem in a no-fault
way that includes both and blames neither.
Explore both of your underlying concerns Use the Four Ss. If
you are getting stuck, ask: Do we have
Symmetry? Short chunks? Specifics? Are we summarizing?
Compile a list of all of the solutions that are possible.
“What can you do to come up with a win-win solutions?”
What makes sense about what each of the solutions you select? Create solution
options by adding modifications to your original positions and devising
completely new options
Think is in terms of solutions that take into account all concerns.
Summarize the plan to be sure you both understand.
Ask: Are there any pieces that feel unfinished?
The
Basics
Avoid
Be Sure To
| 1. Say It
2. Verbalize Feelings
3. No Trespassing
4. No Toxicity
5. Listen to Learn
6. Listen to Feelings
7. Both take turns listening
8. Share your talking
9. Use the 4 Ss
10. Use climate controls |
Hinting, Wondering Don’t wants Acting out feelings rather than using words.
Speaking about your partner’s thoughts and feelings, or telling him or her what to do Disparaging comments toward your partner. Pressing the mute button, but listening for what’s wrong with.
Ignoring, criticizing, or brushing aside your partner’s feelings
Selfishness: hearing only your concerns. Excessive altruism: hearing
only your partner’s concerns.
Responding “Yes, but. . .” oppositional or parallel dialogue.
Unequal airtime
Letting emotions build and getting overheated.
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Say aloud your concerns & preferences. Convert don’t wants to would likes. Put feelings into words so they can guide you to understanding. Use “I feel. . .” Speak your own thoughts and feelings or ask your partner’s. Use “When you . . . I . . .” to speak about something your partner has done. Give feedback with comments, not criticism. Use kindness & tact. Listen closely. Give evidence of hearing. Listen for what’s useful, what makes sense, in what your partner says. Explore feelings. Focus first on feelings, then return to thoughts when you see or hear evidence of emotions. Make the concerns of both of you count when you discuss opinions, decisions, or conflicts. Respond “Yes, . . ., and. . .” Intertwine your perspectives, building a shared information pool as you talk. Symmetry
Monitor for heat and speed, tired or hungry, or overloaded. Use
word patrol. Pause or exit when dialogue gets hot.
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Human needs which are common in conflict. Which are yours?
____Recognition
____Development of self
____Security
____Identity
____ Bonding
____Target for hate
What makes you “enemies”?
____Finances?
____Discipline issues?
____Control issues?
____Misunderstandings?
____In-law disloyalty?
____Sexual issues?
____Emotional needs unmet?
____Clash of values?
____Clash of interests?
What do you each want?_______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________
How can you get what you want without having to get your partner to change?_____________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Other than what your partner did or didn’t do, how did the problem happen?