WHAT IS A BOUNDARY?
LIMIT that protects our SOUL. (ability to love another)
EXAMPLES: NO,    DISTANCE, CONSEQUENCES.
 Children's needs center around  SECURE, LOVE, and a sense of belonging.
They are damaged when we WITHDRAW love, are HARSH, CRITICAL, don't set LIMITS, or are inconsistent in enforcing them.
       PRINCIPLES OF BOUNDARIES      WE REAP WHAT WE SOW
WE CAN ONLY CHANGE OURSELVES
RESPECT EARNS RESPECT
FREEDOM OF CHOICE MOTIVATES US TO CHANGE
IF WE CHANGE, OTHERS WILL CHANGE TRUTHS ABOUT SETTING  BOUNDARIES
BOUNDARIES ARE:
 1.  UNSELFISH
 2.  NOT HURTFUL TO US IN THE LONG RUN.
 3.  NOT HURTFUL TO OTHERS OVER TIME.
 4.  GUILT-FREE
 5.  FLEXIBLE
WHY DON'T WE SET BOUNDARIES?
OTHER"S:
 GET ANGRY
 INVITE US TO FEEL GUILTY
 HAVE PAIN FOR WHICH WE FEEL RESPONSIBLE
 BLAME US.
 THE BEST RESULTS OCCUR WHEN WE HAVE CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS.
 I BELIEVE OTHERS ARE VALUABLE
 I WILL TREAT OTHERS AS I WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED
 I WILL TREAT OTHERS IN WAYS THAT PRESERVE OUR DIGNITY.
HOW YOU CAN SET BOUNDARIES

ALWAYS:  1) EXPRESS AN EMOTION
  2) MAKE A REQUEST
  3) SET A LIMIT, AND
   (GIVE THEM THE CHOICE TO SAY THEY CAN'T DO WHAT YOU ASK.)
 

  I feel   ______________________________________________________________
  when you  ______________________________________________________________
  I would like to request that ______________________________________________________
  If you choose not to  _____________________________________________________________
  If you do,        _____________________________________________________________

EXAMPLES:

I feel scared when you yell at me.  I would like to ask that you speak to me in a calm, polite voice.  If you choose not to, I will still be afraid.  If you do, I'll feel less scared and more like cooperating.

I feel rejected when you don't talk to me.  I would like to ask that you read two pages from this book with me and talk about it tonight.  If you choose not to, I can accept that, but if you do, I'll feel better about our relationship.

I feel unloved when you don't want to hug me or tell me you love me.  I would like to ask you to give me a hug and tell me you love me every morning when we get up.  If you choose not to, I will still feel unloved.  But, if you do, you will have a much more loved wife.
 
I feel like a failure when you always find what's wrong with what I have done to help you.  I'd like to ask you to tell me three things good before you tell me the bad things about what I've done for you.  If you would, I'd feel more successful.  It's your choice.
 
I feel ignored when you talk while I am talking.  I'd like to ask that you wait until I'm finished talking and then raise your hand.  If you can, I'll feel better about the time I Prepare for being with you each week.  If you continue talking, I'll have to send for your parents and have them come and visit our class.

I feel disrespected when you talk to me like that.  It's OK to feel frustrated, but I'd like you to tell me in a way that is respectful and quiet.  If you can, I'll be able to help.  If you choose to be disrespectful, we won't be able to help with what is frustrating you.

I feel sad for _________(child left out).  I'd like to have us all join together in what we are doing.  If you can include her, we will all feel happier

I get confused when there's so much commotion.  I'd like to ask that you all settle down.  If you can, we can continue  If you can't, it will tell me that you want some quiet time.

I feel inadequate when you don't talk in class.  I would like to ask that you read one text and tell me what it means to you.    If you choose not to, I can accept that, but if you do, I'll feel better about teaching this class.

EXTRAS:

  1.  Every event leads to a thought which leads to a feeling which leads to a behavior, which starts another event!
  2.   Influence and empower rather than control and make kids mind.
  3.  Encourage rather than bribe and reward.  EVERY COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDREN SHOULD COMMUNICATE:
     I believe in you     You are listened to
     I trust you     You are cared for
     I know you can handle this    You are important
  4. Four Clues to Great Consequences
     R   -Reasonable
     S    -Simple
     V    -Valuable
     P    - Practical
  5.  Try to avoid saying "I'm angry."
  6.   Set boundaries only when
       a) it will matter 10 years from now,
       b) you or someone important really cares
       c)something is morally wrong or physically threatening.
  7.  Don't assume responsibility for other's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.
  8.  Don't ask "Why?"
  9.  Accept other's choice to fulfill your request.
10.  Provide logical consequences.
 
Based on the books "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend,  published by Zondervan  and   "Kids are worth it" by Coloroso